My wife and I have been married for 18 years and we have two boys, 9 and 12. I have read this site to try to understand what is happening to my wife and how I can support her and myself. She has been showing signs of peri for the last three+ years. Hot flushes, erratic periods, irritable, total lack of affection and sex. I have tried to be supportive - doing jobs around the house, washing, ironing, cooking dinner etc, even cleaning the toilets! I tell her that I love her and support her but get nothing back in return. I try to talk but get no response. All I get is "I've nothing to say". She is very anti doctors, the medical profession and medication and says she won't go to the doctor because he'll just put her on HRT. She has bought books on the natural menopause etc but things seem to be getting worse not better. My feelings seem to count for nothing - the give, love and support is only one way.
I love her so very much but am really at the end of my tether. I am a very affectionate person and find the total and complete lack of any affection or physical contact for such a prolonged period really hard to bear. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Am I alone?
Full Version: Lost and Floundering
Hi Peter!
I'm so sorry your wife is having such a rough time and you as well, of course.
I hope you get lots of replies to your post and we are able to help you.
Perhaps you could encourage your wife to come here and find support?
I did not take HRT, but I did take tranquilizers and AD's as needed for a while.
I think we all try to see this as a natural transition time, but enough is enough and when our life is totally disrupted and our relationships suffer it's time to grab at any help.
I wish I had started taking medication sooner!
I too am totally anti doctor, but after getting loads of information here I did go, armed with knowledge, knowing what I wanted and got it.
Please encourage your wife to seek help or come here - we do understand how totally awful she feels and how copying with just the normal things in life can overwhelm her.
And thank you for being such a supportive husband!
And there is life at the end of the tunnel!
Jonie
I'm so sorry your wife is having such a rough time and you as well, of course.
I hope you get lots of replies to your post and we are able to help you.
Perhaps you could encourage your wife to come here and find support?
I did not take HRT, but I did take tranquilizers and AD's as needed for a while.
I think we all try to see this as a natural transition time, but enough is enough and when our life is totally disrupted and our relationships suffer it's time to grab at any help.
I wish I had started taking medication sooner!
I too am totally anti doctor, but after getting loads of information here I did go, armed with knowledge, knowing what I wanted and got it.
Please encourage your wife to seek help or come here - we do understand how totally awful she feels and how copying with just the normal things in life can overwhelm her.
And thank you for being such a supportive husband!
And there is life at the end of the tunnel!
Jonie
Hi Peter,
You took one good step here. It is hard to accept what is going on in your relationship, I know it was for me. However, if you do accept it and not "marter" yourself, you and your wife will probably come out of it pretty much intact. It's much easier for me to say now that things are on the upswing. But since we are on the upswing, I can tell you there can be one!
One thing I found was my wife was not interested in anything I had to offer, perhaps your wife will listen to you, perhaps not. Mostly I found that by listening to her and letting her vent about how she was feeling kept us connected through the toughest times.
Also, when she is having her worst moments, try and let her just vent, run away, cry, whatever. Don't take it personally and don't try to "fix" the situation. Don't try to fix it by doing things or whatever. Mostly I can recommend doing things for yourself and for your kids. Keep yourself healthy and happy.
I can't help you with ideas as to how to get her to go to the doctor, as my wife did and planned the whole transition with her doctors. I was pretty much out of the loop on that. She did a pretty good job and we are still married. Lots of the reasons we are still married is because of my tollerance and non-reaction to her few really serious outbursts.
Write more and we'll all try to help...if for nothing else giving you a sounding board.
You took one good step here. It is hard to accept what is going on in your relationship, I know it was for me. However, if you do accept it and not "marter" yourself, you and your wife will probably come out of it pretty much intact. It's much easier for me to say now that things are on the upswing. But since we are on the upswing, I can tell you there can be one!
One thing I found was my wife was not interested in anything I had to offer, perhaps your wife will listen to you, perhaps not. Mostly I found that by listening to her and letting her vent about how she was feeling kept us connected through the toughest times.
Also, when she is having her worst moments, try and let her just vent, run away, cry, whatever. Don't take it personally and don't try to "fix" the situation. Don't try to fix it by doing things or whatever. Mostly I can recommend doing things for yourself and for your kids. Keep yourself healthy and happy.
I can't help you with ideas as to how to get her to go to the doctor, as my wife did and planned the whole transition with her doctors. I was pretty much out of the loop on that. She did a pretty good job and we are still married. Lots of the reasons we are still married is because of my tollerance and non-reaction to her few really serious outbursts.
Write more and we'll all try to help...if for nothing else giving you a sounding board.
QUOTE (RegGuy @ Dec 1 2008, 07:34 AM) 
Hi Peter,
You took one good step here. It is hard to accept what is going on in your relationship, I know it was for me. However, if you do accept it and not "marter" yourself, you and your wife will probably come out of it pretty much intact. It's much easier for me to say now that things are on the upswing. But since we are on the upswing, I can tell you there can be one!
One thing I found was my wife was not interested in anything I had to offer, perhaps your wife will listen to you, perhaps not. Mostly I found that by listening to her and letting her vent about how she was feeling kept us connected through the toughest times.
Also, when she is having her worst moments, try and let her just vent, run away, cry, whatever. Don't take it personally and don't try to "fix" the situation. Don't try to fix it by doing things or whatever. Mostly I can recommend doing things for yourself and for your kids. Keep yourself healthy and happy.
I can't help you with ideas as to how to get her to go to the doctor, as my wife did and planned the whole transition with her doctors. I was pretty much out of the loop on that. She did a pretty good job and we are still married. Lots of the reasons we are still married is because of my tollerance and non-reaction to her few really serious outbursts.
Write more and we'll all try to help...if for nothing else giving you a sounding board.
You took one good step here. It is hard to accept what is going on in your relationship, I know it was for me. However, if you do accept it and not "marter" yourself, you and your wife will probably come out of it pretty much intact. It's much easier for me to say now that things are on the upswing. But since we are on the upswing, I can tell you there can be one!
One thing I found was my wife was not interested in anything I had to offer, perhaps your wife will listen to you, perhaps not. Mostly I found that by listening to her and letting her vent about how she was feeling kept us connected through the toughest times.
Also, when she is having her worst moments, try and let her just vent, run away, cry, whatever. Don't take it personally and don't try to "fix" the situation. Don't try to fix it by doing things or whatever. Mostly I can recommend doing things for yourself and for your kids. Keep yourself healthy and happy.
I can't help you with ideas as to how to get her to go to the doctor, as my wife did and planned the whole transition with her doctors. I was pretty much out of the loop on that. She did a pretty good job and we are still married. Lots of the reasons we are still married is because of my tollerance and non-reaction to her few really serious outbursts.
Write more and we'll all try to help...if for nothing else giving you a sounding board.
It's frustrating not being able to edit. I was fixing the spelling when I posted. I mean MARTYR...
Hi Peter,
Welcome. You are not alone and you have come to a great place for help.
RegGuy has offered excellent advice which I concur with. See also the thread I started to which many men and women have offered great help.
My own situation is very much like yours - my wife is probably in the middle stages of Peri and has not sought medical help yet. For me, I have had internal struggles to not take her distance personally, but I have found strength and patience by:
- Helping my wife as much as possible without getting in the way or pestering
- Being there when she needs me but I don't expect anything in return
- Remembering the good times we have shared and have faith that there are many more to come
- Directing new focus and energy towards my two great kids
- When I feel hurt or worried I redirect my energy toward doing productive things
- Rediscovering some of old hobbies and discovering some new ones that I always wanted to try
- Looking after myself and exercise, exercise, exercise: great stress reliever!
I know how you are feeling, and I know that there are some days when your strength and patience are gone. Keep your chin up, just continue to be a great husband and look after yourself and your family.
Welcome. You are not alone and you have come to a great place for help.
RegGuy has offered excellent advice which I concur with. See also the thread I started to which many men and women have offered great help.
My own situation is very much like yours - my wife is probably in the middle stages of Peri and has not sought medical help yet. For me, I have had internal struggles to not take her distance personally, but I have found strength and patience by:
- Helping my wife as much as possible without getting in the way or pestering
- Being there when she needs me but I don't expect anything in return
- Remembering the good times we have shared and have faith that there are many more to come
- Directing new focus and energy towards my two great kids
- When I feel hurt or worried I redirect my energy toward doing productive things
- Rediscovering some of old hobbies and discovering some new ones that I always wanted to try
- Looking after myself and exercise, exercise, exercise: great stress reliever!
I know how you are feeling, and I know that there are some days when your strength and patience are gone. Keep your chin up, just continue to be a great husband and look after yourself and your family.
Hi - no you are not alone. I too can be how you describe in your post. It's just not something that we can control much either. I think that we were made in such a way as to be very affectionate and loving in our early days in order to procreate. Now, however, our job is done. Now that we no longer have regular periods is a reminder that this part of our life is over. We react to this fact in different ways; for some it is more emotional/mental - but there are also physical maladies to be sure. With this loss hormones, we feel so much older as a result of the inevitable aches and pains. We just don't feel sexy period.
I would offer her some suggestions in the way of vitamin therapy. The absolute best place to start is flax seed. I hope that she is taking this. It may in fact get worse before it does get better for her. You are doing a great job - geesh even doing the toilets. Is this not something you regularly do? My hubby does. Hahahahahahahaha - in my dreams.
Okay, take care of yourself.
Sincerely,
Suzanne
I would offer her some suggestions in the way of vitamin therapy. The absolute best place to start is flax seed. I hope that she is taking this. It may in fact get worse before it does get better for her. You are doing a great job - geesh even doing the toilets. Is this not something you regularly do? My hubby does. Hahahahahahahaha - in my dreams.
Okay, take care of yourself.
Sincerely,
Suzanne
Hi Peter,
Menopause is easy for some and not for others. Its sometimes hard for a Women to tell their Husband or partner what they are feeling as our hormones can be so up in the air.
As RegGuy said make sure that you take care of yourself and your kids.
Let her vent and listen too. Try not to interupt I know its hard but be there for her as I know you are now.
Bladerunner has some good advice for you too. Keep up your strength and patience as he says.
Remember there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Keep us posted as to how you are all doing. Good luck with things and remember to Smile through it all.
Take care from Deb
Menopause is easy for some and not for others. Its sometimes hard for a Women to tell their Husband or partner what they are feeling as our hormones can be so up in the air.
As RegGuy said make sure that you take care of yourself and your kids.
Let her vent and listen too. Try not to interupt I know its hard but be there for her as I know you are now.
Bladerunner has some good advice for you too. Keep up your strength and patience as he says.
Remember there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Keep us posted as to how you are all doing. Good luck with things and remember to Smile through it all.
Take care from Deb
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