This is just plain strange. I think I'm nuts. Please let me know if any of you have had this happen to you. I have NEVER, EVER, EVER EVER! felt like this until peri hit me. I"ll explain:

I collect things about the movies and bands I love. Always have and always will. I have a huge collection on a certain band with a rather "depressing" past.....and it's never bothered me before, in fact I have 2 shelves full of books and magazines on this band. LOVE 'EM!!! So yesterday, I'm feeling great. Better than I have in a LONG time and I'm at the mall. I see a new book on this band and I'm excited! I buy the book and the "heeby jeebies" start in my mind about this book......(I have No idea exactly what......just I feel a HUGE discomfort about having this book!!! WHY????? I'm in tears as I write this, this is SO NOT ME! The book iteself isn't to blame.....I just can't understand this feeling of dread. I love this band. I took a trip to another state to see where this band started out. It's just killing me to have these feelings about music and the artists who I admire. Am I nuts????

I don't seem to be strong mentally anymore. Is this normal?????
I'm really shocked by this.

IF I hadn't seen this book, my day would have carried on fine and I would be a happy camper.
For the most part....before this happened..there seemed to be a little light at the end of the peri tunnel......a "Little" light, but a light nonetheless.

Is this peri you guys? Can it make you feel nutso about things you love?????

And if it is, will I ever have me back again??

It took me a lot to write this....it's so horribly embarassing I can't even believe it myself.

I guess this is filed under "irrational fears"....but of *what* I have no idea........anxiety and depression????? That's the best I can do.

Any help or advice or best of all RELATING would be appreciated. I feel fine now, but I just don't get all these strange feelings. Oh, and after 3 months I started my period again. UGH.....maybe my hormones are freakin' all over the place.

Thanks much!!!

I don't think you are nutso. More likely what happened was you had one of those weird moments, when you totally don't feel "right" and it coincided with purchasing the book...therefore you put the blame on the book, when in fact it would have been something else if you didn't just buy the book.

I had one of my very first dizzy spells at Walmart, years ago....and to this DAY I have trouble shopping at Walmart. I know in the logical part of my brain that Walmart isn't to blame, it is hormones....and yet....that doesn't stop me from dreading shopping at Walmart!!!

It is a case of association, I believe. Wherever you were, whatever you were doing, at the times when you have an "episode" stays forever in your memory as the 'cause' of the episode, EVEN when we know better.

Hopefully you will not hold the book, the band, and the music as responsible.....when there is no doubt in my mind it was the timing.

On one of your good days, when you are feeling really well....take the book out and read it. Don't even try it when you are feeling "off" even a little bit. You need to build some new memories, to replace this bad one....and then your love of this band can return with no feelings of dread.

Hi Guitar - so don't think it is irrational. Sounds like you are depressed...either as a direct result of horror moans or situational. I become ultra senstive when in this state. My senstivity towards others, books, movies - heck even commercials is hightened when in this state. The first step is to recognize what it is you are"in" so to speak and then try and cut yourself some slack. Didn't you ever feel "irrational" like that just before your period? I sure did. Is it the new Curt Cobain Book? That is a band with a depressing past indeed. There are many bands though unfortunately that have depressing pasts.

I always love it when Larry King says - "look around and there is alot to be depressed about!" In other words, you are abnormal (in his and my opinion) if you aren't sensitive!

Hugs,
Suzanne

I agree with Floater...in fact, the same thing happens with panic attacks and agoraphobia. If you continually have panic attacks in public places, you begin to fear that it's the place that is causing it. So you retreat..and this is how people end up afraid to leave their house.

I think you are just feeling particularly vulnerable right now. It was your own little 'perfect storm'...your feelings, your hormones, the book; they all came together at once.

I go thru similar stuff...I love Janis Joplin; have posters of here all over my office; copies of every piece of music she recorded, (even bootlegs that were never released), all her biographies...and yet, I haven't listened to any of her music in months. I'm too..vulnerable. The passion with which she sang always touched me, but right now, I've "over-touched." Especially with the holidays rolling around...I can't stand that the stores are already pushing all the Christmas crap on us early...carols in the market, decorations everywhere. Spirit of the season, my foot. They just want us to shop earlier. But that's my problem..I have bad memories of Christmas from my childhood, so it's a painful holiday for me. I'll listen to my precious Janis again after the New Year...when my emotions aren't so raw.

You've got me so curious? Who is the band???

Guitar:

I agree with Floater! This has happened to me before and I think it is peri/anxiety related most definitely!!!!

do not be so hard on yourself.

Hugs to you,
Jeaninne

OMG, Suz! Yep, it's the Kurt Cobain book!! I love Kurt! But I guess I'm too "over emotional" to deal with his suicide and at this point in my life, EVEN THOUGH I have 2 shelves full of his books....a large collection of music and bootlegs, and he and Nirvana are a HUGE part of my life. I lived for this band...so this is a scary feeling when I can't own this book without feeling "dread"....in fact, I think I have to take it back to the store and re buy it when I'm thru peri and all these feelings.....I dunno. It seems like that's the only way to let "dread" go...... And yet, here is my other HUGE collection of Kurt....news papers from the day he died...etc., you name it, I have it...including autographs and rare items. So this ticks me off. LOL I mean REALLY!!!!

Thanks so much to all of you for helping me see it's hormonal. I do think it's some type of association....maybe it's just too depressing for me to think about right now....I'm so emotionally "fragile" to things and feelings.

Oh, and I've taken the book out and read it...and I love it! But it gives me an odd feeling. A very fearful feeling.....hence this thread. SO not me.......so that's why I got scared.

Music is and always will be my life and I don't want peri to steal that from me!!!

THanks RoundRobin, suzpaterson and Floater, I appreciate your input!!!!

I may sound strange but... if this were to have happened to me I would have tossed the book. It's not the books fault but i would have taken it as my Sixth sense that this book wasn't for me at this time. I trust my nudges.. or at least I try too.

It makes sense that it could have just been an anxiety attack coinciding with your purchase and I don't want anyone to think Im loony.. however... I would stash it somewhere far away and wait another year or two.

I love his music by the way..

Stitchnanny, thank you!!!! I'm trying not to be so hard on myself but it's my music.. It's what I live for and it's a band I love!! I followed them all over Seattle...... I have little Kurt Cobain NECA figures in my "band room".....

But I haven't played their music for awhile....it's has been a bit too hard while I've been in peri....so I'm starting to see the light of why this happened with the help of all of you. I guess it brings up the subject of my irrational fears of which I've written many posts........it must trigger those scared feelings....

I want to thank you all. I'm going to have a GOOD day today and concentrate on things that make me happy. And you all make me happy.

THANK YOU...I was scared I was on the road to a rubber room. LOL

Love you all...and please, if anyone has anything else to add, please do so. It ALLLLLLLL REALLLLLLY helps!!!!

Love you all!

Hi CarolH!
I have to learn to trust my "nudges"...that's for sure. It's all so new to me!!! I never figured I'd feel all these weird feelings during Peri! Especially about things I've so loved in the past!

Yep, the book is on it's way back to the store for now. I'll buy it again when PERI leaves....and I'll be the first to kick PERI in the fanny on it's way out of my world!!!!

Can't wait for THAT DAY when PERI is never again....

I re iterate my slogan:

PERI IS SCARY>


Thank you!!!

Rock on Sister Guitar! Isn't that funny - I just knew it. I so understand why you are feeling the way that you do honey! It is SAD!!!! Such a great talent he was. You love him and Nirvana and now he is gone. Makes perfect sense to me. Every December I get really sad about John.

Hang in there,
Suz

Exactly!! It IS sad.. and one sad feeling brings another. Loss hurts. Sometimes we can "go there" and see the positive.. sometimes it just brings on the enormity of the loss and makes it all the more sad.

gutiarplayer... you're a sensitive person who sees the tragedy in that young man's death. Doesn't make you "nutso", in fact it makes you normal.

Sometimes I read those books and I get inspired, and sometimes my heart just breaks. There is nothing sadder than the loss of possibilities.

XOXOXOXOX

It's part being sad...but not all. I have been sad from the moment he died back in 1994....but it never stopped me from collecting and reading about his life. I've got books on conspiracy theories regarding his death, etc.... reading those NEVER bothered me this way. I have every book you can find on Amazon.....with the exception of the new one. It's on it's way back to the store. But I'll buy it when I'm emotionally stronger. I just don't understand hormones.......but Kurt did write a song called "HORMOANING"...so maybe he knew more about them than I do.

It seems I have irrational fears of losing my mind.....hurting people I love, heights, and things I've NEVER had fears of before.... etc....and although these are all just "thoughts" and I have more good days than bad recently...well... I guess certain things can trigger anxiety and trigger the strange doom feelings I get. I still don't understand it completely but that's what I've come to understand from the above posts and just from my past experiences since I entered this PERI "hell".....I have a thread on irrational fears here which is how I came to find this wonderful website and with the help of many of you and Clare Weekes' book I've moved on from that...but I still get triggers. And yesterday was a big one. I just hope the fears can stop here.............I don't want everything depressing thing I see or hear or that is in my life to trigger these eipisodes....it is bad enough going thru this time of life and also the CFS/fibro I deal with.
I want this PERI to stop.

So here I sit......3 months with no period until yesterday. Maybe in another year or so I"ll be DONE with peri......I can only hope.

And might I add...this past week has been GLORIOUS! I've felt better than I have in awhile......so this throws me when I get slammed emotionally like this over something I like! I have no feelings of depression as far as that "black cloud over your head" feeling......and I do take an AD for anxiety.
I do have anxiety. "DUH!" says me. lol

"Strange Days have found us"............to quote Jim Morrison.

Thanks Suz!

Don't feel bad. I dropped out of a book club a few years ago because they wanted to delve into some of the darker writings of the 18th and 19th century. I just couldn't handle it for some reason, although I had always been interested in all kinds of literature. At the time I thought I was nuts, too. I'm not sure I could handle it now, either. I try to stick with lighter topics now and refuse to call myself a wimp. The stories will still be there should I choose to go back sometime in the future. Right now it all has to be about making myself feel better. If it means putting some things aside for a while, then so be it.

Once again, I can so relate. I have found several times here lately when we start listening to music, I can go along just fine until a certain song comes on and a bad memory comes about and then, I am done. Music used to be our lives. My DH's best friend was in a band and my DH ran sound for them and we were out with them all the time. Almost every weekend, sometimes twice a weekend. Music used to be the thing that would pick me up when I was feeling down. I have found that not only music but several things I used to love irritate the crap out of me anymore. Whereas before, everything just rolled off my back. I dont know how long this peri H#l# is gonna last for me or anyone else but I sure do want my old self back again. The happy go lucky person I used to be and could handle pretty much anything. This is throwing me for a loop for sure! Thank goodness for you fine women, I dont know what I would do without all of you! You guys are definitely angels!

I know exactly how you are feeling, i have had a similar sensation that is so icky, I was afraid to say it out loud. I was with a friend and had this awful feeling of saying something mean about someone close to her. this wierd thought came to me and I suddenly got so nervous that I was going to blurt it out. I creeped myself out, my stomach got queasy and I had to leave the room and calm down. I went into a panic attack soon after. Even today, the thought of that "episode" gave me the heebie jeebies. I think it's all hormonal/anxiety/panic, I NEVER had it until peri hit and it is awful. Xnax calmed down the irrational fears.

Maybe you had a surge like that, the thoughts of reading the book, did it creep you out? Remember, it is just a thought, can't hurt you. Try to get past and song you way out of it, that is such a great release. Singing is good medicine.

I hope you feel better. And, I am glad you came here for help.

YES!!! It was EXACTLY A SURGE LIKE THAT!!!!!!


It was the same feeling but it had nothing to do with the book or the subject itself...something just triggered my irrational thought as I mentioned above....and yes, it was a LOT like the episode you had only I felt all those horrible irrational thoughts creeping back on me.

I love Kurt Cobain and I am sad he is no longer with us. He was an amazing talent. But I grieved for him after his death. I've been a fan for AGES..( since "Bleach")...so this is why this "episode" throws me so much.
You explained it well......it's an acute anxiety attack of being "afraid" like you mentioned. It is scary!

I guess the violence of Kurt's death maybe triggered my episode?????? Hormones made me "fear"...it's all about FEAR, BEING AFRAID, and ANXIOUS.
I dunno...it's weird.
I can't believe PERI does this to women...it's SO unfair.
That was a really cool book, too!!!!! For those of you who like Nirvana and Kurt, check it out. It had some great pics....artwork, a polaroid of Kurt with his little kitten, it was LOVELY!! There were some dark elements, but I've never reacted badly to those things before and I've got three copies of his JOURNALS. The Hardcover (two copies...one was a gift)...and I bought the paperback edition for the extras. I'm a hardcore fan. I have numerous biographies on him, I have special edition books on him, comic graphic novels, magazines, numerous t shirts I bought in Seattle when I visited Sub Pop......so you can see how this breaks my heart to have an episode like this when I should be over the moon at having this book!!! The "old" me would be blasting Nirvana's music and I'd be scouring the pages of that book for hours.... the "hopefully temporary" me...is freaked by something that
initiated a panic episode.......It's all FEAR.

Like I said, I have quite a few books, magazines, etc., in my collection. I even play Kurt's Fender Jag-Stang that he designed!!! So see? If you had something you loved and had an episode over it ...well, it's not fun.

I took the book back, but I'm gonna go back for it when I'm better and feel like myself again....
Hopefully, it won't be long before that happens.

Thanks to all of you, I really appreciate the input and relating. IT REALLLLLLLY helps. It really does.
I'm very raw, and like an exposed nerve right now......my hormoes are screamin'. This is the time of month when I expect to feel a bit "off"....but I didn't think it would be this intense or at the expense of a music idol like Kurt!!!

I love ya Kurt. And to Borders books.....in the words of the Terminator...."I'll be back"...

Thanks you guys....keep the assurance coming....it has got me thru this hellish day.
Much love,
Sue

Hello dear Sue

It has been a while since I have seen you around.Am pleased that you are seeing some light at the end of the road but remember'the last mile is the hardest'

This particular fear you describe is very common on the Menopausal journey.I used to love horror films and even laugh at the rubbish in them now I can't even bear to hear about them.I feel literally ready to throw up if I hear of child or animal abuse.I simply cannot stand the thought of others suffering.We call ourselves'human beings' but if I have to be honest a lot of us have lost that humanity

You are by nature,as a muscian,a very sensitive soul and remembering someone who took his life is very painful as it is another reminder of our own frailty.

I hardly ever watch the news as the sights of War,severe malnutrition and sadness make me want to jump out of my skin.I have used Xanax,on as needed basis,when very overwhelmed.Thank God this is hardly ever now but I know my skin is several times thinner than when I was younger.

Anway,my love I know you are going to feel stonger and stronger day by day as you near the end of your journey.Have you ever tried listening to some gentle Country and Western or Inspirational Music till this phase passes?I have found this type of Music a little easier on my soul now.

Keep Posting,dear friend
Warm Hugs
Elizabeth

Hi,

I know exactly how you feel. It's like you can't "deal" with the book for some unknown reason. It makes you feel "funny" but you don't know why. When I was younger I would go and do anything. Always up for something new. Now......forget it. Nothing scared me, nothing made me feel "funny".. People would laugh at me cause I loved depressing movies where someone always died! lol........not now. Songs on the radio from the past make me feel "funny" too......I shut them off. Some days I feel fine and go about life not worrying about anything...other days I am stopped in my tracks. I don't know why this happens. I'm sure its hormonal but who knows because my hormones change by the hour now! Sometimes when I think of my kids ( 17 and 15) I get depressed because they are 17 and 15! Thats it, no other reason. Sometimes I can't look at pictures of them when they were small or any videos I took of them cause I feel soooooooooo sad that they are practically grown. I see myself in those pictures ( when I was like 28 and not hormonally challenged!)...........makes me soooo sad again. My Mom assures me that I will be fine and will get though this. She is 76 and very active ( does WAY more than I do and she has over 30 years on me)....she always tells me not to "worry about things that you have no control over, it's not worth it and you will drive yourself nuts"...she is right...but its very hard sometimes!

Sue, I can so empathize with what you experienced. The first time it happened to me, I was truly hysterical. Everything frightened me. A familiar book, a song, a television show theme song-- it seemed to have no rhyme or reason. I was afraid of taking a shower, and even more afraid of blow-drying my hair. I was terrified of certain stores, and going to the supermarket was pure torture. To this day, I do not understand what was going on.

Interestingly, my psychiatrist, who is analytically trained, does not harp on the triggers. We talked about the thought or the feeling, and if I could identify an association, we talked about that. If I couldn't, then we just let it go. He says that sometimes thoughts and feelings are really random (pretty radical for an analyst), and that I should not drive myself crazy trying to place meaning on something that does not seem to have any. Chalk it up to neurons firing in the brain.

I can assure you that these episodes have become pretty infrequent for me now. And anti-anxiety medicine helps a lot. Hang in my friend. We will all get through this together.

Hugs,
Marcy

You are all so wonderful! Thank you for your lovely and kind words and for your assurance.
When I came here in 2007 March....I was a 'basket case'....
Peri had hit me HARD. It was as if someone turned the light off on the "old" me and I have been struggling to find that light switch ever since to turn my inner light back on again. Back then, it started so suddenly I can almost give you a time. The day I remember well, I had all these irrational thoughts and fears that I was going crazy and would lose control and hurt someone. It STILL is very hard to admit that horrible fear.......but these days it just tends to depress me. It's a constant battle and it does get tiring and it gets STRANGE when it happens around things I love (as I mentioned in this thread). Music is my life and my career. I'm a rocker at heart....always have been...but I do love all types of music and will never forget meeting Karen Carpenter back in 1973. I was and still am a big fan of the Carpenters. I lost a friend to cancer who was the lead guitarist of the British band GIRLSCHOOL last year....she passed away of spinal cancer. I've had lots of stress in my life.....to say the least. I deal with CFS/fibro/migraines and worst of all, this mental distress. I guess it's an anxiety thing. I found along with the fear of hurting others, I've also got a fear of heights and can't stand to be by the edge of a balcony or sometimes even by a window. It IS SO NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These feelings are so foreign and so strange that they bring me down and I get depressed. But not like a clinical depression.......and I say that because I've been depressed. I KNOW how that feels. This is just like I'm majorly bummed because these thoughts don't leave me alone. When my hormones are at their worst.....the thoughts are worse. Some days I've gone thru happily and I've actually wondered later....."Hey! How where did all those horrible thoughts go?"
So that's what I deal with off and on....

This particular episode was freaky and I don't want it to happen again, but at least if it does I know you all understand and are here to give me a soft place to land.

For that I'm grateful.

I love you all.

Thank you for the reassurance and help and most of all, for being my friends. We'll get thru this. And if you need a friend, I'll be the first to help you. It's the least I can do.

I'm still not "great"....but I'm not as edgy as I was yesterday. I'm too embarassed to give details as it just sounds like I'm insane......but basically it all stems from irrational fears which I understand (and like you have mentioned) are very common during this stage of life. I want to move to another part of this stage now....take a bow...and move on to a happier time. I hope it's soon and this is the end of the rough road. I need a break from "me." Not to mention my poor family...for having to live with me.

Thank you. Sometimes all it takes is reassurance that you are "normal" (well.... ) and not losing your mind ...to get you thru. You got me thru yet again and I thank you!!!

HUGS,
Sue

Oh Guitar gallywag! I love Karen Carpenter's voice. Such a sweet and pure sound. I have a sticker in my kitchien that says "IF I were a Carpenter" with her and her brother. I am a Carpenter too - hahahaha as in last name (maiden - HATE that expression). That must have been pretty darned cool meeting her. Now there is another sad story - gone way before her time!

Rock on!
Suzanne

Yep, I loved the Carpenters since I was 14!!! Back then they were considered "rock!"....there was lots of controversy over them using an electric guitar in "Goodbye to Love".....Richard said people were acusing them of being to rock n roll. Funny thinking back on that!

Yep, my little moment with Karen. I met Richard, too...but he was busy with a blabbermouthed girl....and he sure looked bored. HAHAHA! Karen was sweet. I have my pics to cherish and I love their music. I was just playing a double album of their hits. Her voice was the best....and this song is one of my all-time favs....Karen looks so good in this video ...and HAPPY!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdfGLEEPeAo

Music runs in my blood! I'm VERY pasionate about what I love!

thanks so much!!!

Enjoy the vid!

Hugs,
Sue

UPDATE ON THIS THREAD:

All the "weirdness" is in the past. All the freakiness has left my mind. I'm "free" from the strangeness and am feeling like my old self again!

As a result: I BOUGHT THE BOOK BACK!! I LOVE IT!! IT'S AMAZINGLY AWESOME! If you get a chance, check it out if you can find a copy (I had a hard time finding one....Christmas time saw a lot of these books as gifts I guess)...but I tracked one down at Barnes and Noble and also found a cool documentary on Kurt called "Kurt Cobain - About A Son".

There might be hope for me yet as far as FINALLY getting out of this peri hell. THIS IS A GOOD SIGN.

Please see me as an example.........it DOES get better.

Hugs,
Sue

Dear Sue

Have been wondering where you were girl!It is great to see you posting again but I feel your pain.I have had a long bout at a certain time in my life about wanting to hurt people not just emotionally but physically.I reall felt like a nut case but when I talked to a Psychiatrist,who is also a friend,he told me that the people least likely to hurt anyone are the ones who think about it

He encouraged to get back on my Prozac,which I had been slowly trying to wean off and have felt better since.It seems that the amount of stress you have had in your life has increased your anxiety but in my book an animal lover and a musical artist is a very sensitive soul.

Take care of yourself,dear friend

Warm Wishes
Elizabeth

Thanks for your input, but please read the UPDATE!!!!! I"m doing WELL!!!!!

This is a success story so far!!!

I don't need any help or any well wishes or any support, this is just an update to tell you all how things CAN and WILL get better!!!! I'm living proof!

I re-bought the book, I'm enjoying the he$$ out of it and I'm feeling like the old 'me' I'd thought was lost forever! I'm back!

And I'm back to STAY if I have my way.

THANKS for your help on this thread!!