Hi everyone,

Thanks to all of you and your supportive and informative posts, I have been doing relatively well lately. After 4 months of no periods, I've had 2 onths of periods with 1-2 day flooding episodes with both (at exactly 28 days apart, just like old times). I would have run off to the doctor thinking I was dying if not for your messages. Every time I feel a little down, I head here, and always end up feeling that sense of companionship and comfort that you somehow give.

Now for the panic - I've had 3 intravaginal ultrasounds over the last 9 months, keeping an eye on an ovarian cyst. According to the last one (in Jul), it is getting smaller. I've also had 4 CA 125 tests over the last 9 months (even though the doctors told me the cyst didn't have any solid parts). The test results were: Dec 08 - 37; Jan 09 - 41; Mar 08 - 38; last week - 94.

After the Jan test, because it was elevated (above the "normal" upper limit of 35) and had gone up, I was sent to an oncologist. She said she would have never ordered a CA 125 because they have an extremely high rate of false positives and should only be used in patients undergoing treatment for OC. She said benign cysts, lupus (which I have) and fibroids (which I also have), can all cause elevations. After 3 follow-up visits with her, she cut me loose and assured me I didn't have cancer.

So after my routine gyno check-up last week (everyone "felt" normal), my gyn is of the school that he DID want the follow-up CA 125 as they were all elevated previously. He called me today to say it was 94 and that they're scheduling me to see the oncologist again and to have another intravaginal ultrasound (the last one was in Jul).

I'm in full panic mode - swore I would never do this to myself again. I had just started to believe that I was really OK, and now I'm back, crying as I type, praying that I don't have cancer. (I even posted here instead of in the cancer board, because I'm afraid that will really make it cancer).

PLEASE HELP!! I don't think I'm really suicidal, but I actually just had the random thought that killing myself would be better than going through these total, debilitating health panics again and again. That is normal, isn't it - a random thought of killing oneself - but nothing constant or action taken or anything? (How bizarre is that - being afraid that you're dying and yet having a stray thought about killing yourself).

Thanks for listening. I'd hug you all, but I'd get your shoulders wet.
Pam

Oh Pam,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am sure all the thoughts are anxeity related and who wouldn't be anxious with what you are having to deal with. Is hter anyone around you can sit down with and have a cup of tea with, just to have company? HOw about a walk, fresh air may help. Some doctors have no idea what it feels like to be on this end and it isn't fair to put ayone through what you are going through.

I hope you feel better. Do you take anything to relax?

Good luck, Joan

Pam: Remember what the oncologist said, not the gyn. She deals with cancer all the time; your gyn is trying to cover his fanny. I don't think you have OC, it's actually very rare in women under 70. Follow through like he wants you to but I suspect the OC is going to tell you the same thing again. There is a saying in medicine "When you hear hoofbeats, don't look for zebras." You have three different conditions that cause the 125 test to show elevated resuts...so you need to expect it. Your gyno is looking for zebras. Doctors are so afraid of lawsuits these days that they refer you to a specialist for even the smallest thing.

Do have children? Did you ever take birth control pills? Both lower your risk of OC. It's also thought to have a genetic link; any first degree relatives with ovarian cancer? (sister, mother, aunts, cousins?) Do you have bloating, constipation, stomach upset, or a feeling of fullness/pain in your abdomen? These are just some of the symptoms of OC; but the most prominent one is bloating...and I don't mean a little bit, like you get with your period; I mean 9 month-pregnant belly type bloating.

Keep calm, don't worry...and let us know what happens. I have been through many cancer scares in my life (including an ovarian cancer one...I had a tumour on my left cyst that kept growing and growing...this over 25 years ago and doctors didn't do the CA test then. Thankfully, it was benign, but I still can remember the awful stress.) Everyone, sooner or late, has a cancer scare. Or two, or three. Hang on as best you can...keep busy and don't let your mind think about it too much. Try to do as much physical activity as you can muster, so you go to bed every night tired. Do you have something to take for anxiety?

I'll be sending good vibes your way...

Hugs,
RR

Dear Joan and Robin,

Thanks so much for your messages. They helped a lot!!

I went to the oncologist yesterday who said "Let's not jump to the 'C' word yet. It could be other things also." But then she said that it was time to take the ovaries out. She is referring me to a gynecological oncologist in Tucson (the nearest larger city from us - about an hour away). She said he would take the ovaries out, do a "wash" of the abdominal cavity to pick up any stray cells, and biopsy everything. She thinks that since I'm 54, have been skipping periods this year, having hot flashes, spotting in-between the periods I do have (plus many other meno symptoms), that I must be pretty near menopause anyway. She thinks it would be the wisest move just to take them out.

I went for another intravaginal ultrasound this morning. I was pretty upset. The technician said that although he wasn't a doctor, he couldn't see any changes in the cyst I have on the left ovary and could see nothing extraordinary about the right one. (He was also the one who did the previous USs). But then, when I was leaving, he said no changes in the ovaries anyway. He made it sound like there were changes elsewhere. I had a D&C in Nov 07 because of a thickened lining and another "abnormality" in the uterine lining that they ended up calling an "ulcer." Everything was biopsied and came up negative.

So I don't know what to think. I'm still panicking thinking about every other type of cancer I could have "down there" and haven't gotten OC out of my head either since he admitted he wasn't a doctor. I do have xanax left over from my breast cancer scare last year. I took one before bed and was really knocked out. I'll probably just take them daily until we figure out what's going on. The oncologist said the other oncologist would be calling to make an appointment. So I'm in waiting mode - not good at it at all.

Thank you SO MUCH again for taking the time to answer. It means so much to me to know you're out there and caring. I'll let you know when I hear anything else.

God bless you.
Pam