My 92 year old mother-in-law took a nasty fall on Friday morning. She insists on living on her own and we purchased one of those MedicAlert buttons that she wears around her neck. We got a call Friday morning that she had fallen and was being taken to the hospital by the paramedics. I couldn't get hold of my husband (he was in client meetings and not answering his cell phone) so I took off to the hospital (which is an hour away). She had stitches in the back of her head, the entire left side of her jaw is swollen and very bruised as well as her left hip. All the skin from her elbow to her mid shoulder was taken off in the fall due to her paper thin skin from being 92 years old. They did a CT scan on her hip and head and there were no fractures. All in all she was extremely lucky.

My husband finally got to the hospital and we met with her family doctor as well as her cardiologist at the hospital and they are both concerned that she is still living alone. They said that although she had a quadruple bypass 8 years ago and she came through it very well and has remained independent, her heart is worn out which causes her balance to be off and why she seems to have taken a few falls lately and also why she seems to sleep so much these days. Her blood pressure is also very low which could account for the falling. In the past we have tried to get her to move to a retirement home near us but she has always been adamant about not wanting to leave her home and we have honored her wishes and will continue to try to honor them. It would be easier to say the least to have her near us but this is not about what is easiest on us. She shared this home with her husband of 59 years and she is quite adamant about staying there.

We are hoping to meet with other family members later today to see if between all of us, we can come up with a schedule so that mom is not alone at night and we will be working with an outside nursing staff to see if someone can stay with her during the day. We currently have someone come in three days a week but after our conversation with the doctors on Friday we definitely need to increase that. Why is it that kids today do not want to be inconvenienced. She has 6 grandchildren who are so worried that their own lives are going to be effected by having to help out. It makes me SO MAD. She has ALWAYS been there for everyone and she just gives and gives and now when she needs everyone's help there are just a couple of us that are willing to put our own lives on the back burner and do whatever we can to make her life easier. I'm so frustrated and angry and DISAPPOINTED in all of them.

I love her like a second mom and the thought of losing her is so hard. I wish I didn't have to work so I could spend more time up at her place helping her out but unfortunately that is not an option. But if we all agree to do our part and work as a "family" then it would make life easier for all. Please keep her in your prayers and pray that we can find the right way to deal with all of this without having to move her from the comfort of her own home where she feels safe,secure and at home.

Thank you,
Gramz

If at all possible my suggestion is home health care.There are wonderful people who are willing to come into someones home for whatever time you need.I actually thought of doing this myself,but couldn't because my kids needed me at home.Look in your phonebook under elderly assistance.Or home health caregivers.These places require criminal checks on their caregivers,so you should be able to find a good one.Then your mom in law could be where she is happy,and you will feel better.GOD-bless

Gramz,

I can totally sympathize/empathize with you. My MIL, who died in 2004, needed care, but didn't want to leave her home either. She had in-home health care, like Lady E suggested. It worked out well, but then she did go to assisted living.

My own mother lives with us in an inlaw suite. She has advanced colon cancer and during chemo (which she will start again in about a week), it's very hard on me....emotionally and physically. There are 5 of us kids, but naturally I have the builk of her care since she lives here. I view it as a privilege, but I do have to say that sometimes I resent the freedom my siblings have. My sisters are very good to help, but it's just not the same as being here all the time. My brothers are worthless ;0) (not really, but everyone should be happy if they have daughters because they seem to take better care of their mother). I myself have 2 sons - I hope they marry nice girls ;0). Anyway, I feel the same way you do about certain family members who don't help at all. My mom has 12 grandchildren - ages 7yo to 31yo. My two are the youngest. The older ones NEVER come around and it just breaks my heart for my mom - she did SO SO much for them growing up.

It may come to the point where you have to insist she leave her home, but maybe in the meantime you can get some nursing help. Does she have a policy that would pay for it. I know Medicare will pay for some in-home services, so you might check with them.

(((((((((Gramz))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear about your MIL....perhaps visiting nurses and home health aides can be hired. Or, can she move in with one of you - does anyone have room for her...I know the others aren't willing to help but it's just a thought.

I hope you get some help for her...it's very difficult to leave a home you've been in for so long. My father was very stubborn and would not even consider going to a home of any kind....he passed away last March and was driving his car just a few days before he passed. It's a very difficult situation as they want to be as independent as possible and who can blame them really.

Hugs,
Karen

Sorry Gramz about your MIL...I agree with the others here regarding some home care/companionship. I send you my support during this time.

Sincerely,
Suzanne

Gramz, I will say a prayer for your mother-in-law. My Mom is 84 and lives alone. She is 900 miles away as is all of my family. I have one brother and two sisters. Older sister lives 90 miles away but does try to call and come to see her now and then. Older brother lives 20 miles away and does the same. Younger sister lives nearby but doesn't call much or go over to see her. My younger brother passed away in January and he was always there for her. She has 13 grandkids but only my daughter goes to see her, calls her, and take her out now and then. My younger sister's daughter will call and come over now and then. She lives in a mobile home that is falling apart. She still drives and her car is starting to have problems. My brother would like her to move into a seniors apt. My older sister has asked her to move in with her. But she won't budge. She was getting on a ladder to get on her roof to patch it. We have told her-stay off the ladder and the roof! Does she listen? No. I hope the best for your mom-in-law. Pam

Granz, I'm sorry. You and your mom will be in my prayers. I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you should have from your family but maybe once they see what everyone else is willing to pitch it they will rise to the call. Sometimes it just takes someone pointing out the obvious.

(((hugs)))

(((Gramz)))) your MIL is in my prayers. It sounds like you're on top of it.

It sounds to me like you are both very worthy of such mutual respect!!

XOXOXOXO

Gramz, I will pray for your MIL. My own mother is 95 years old, lives alone and has had health problems in the past 2 years, a triple bypass, heart attack, she has fallen, I got her the medi-alert thank goodness to give me peace of mind. But like your MIL, she is very independent, wants to live alone and do things herself. But I did get her home health care the last time she came home from the hospital and it was a big help. I hope that is something your MIL will consider too.

hugs,
Barb

Gramz, I'm so sorry to hear all this. I know how you feel about your MIL. I felt the same way about mine. I'm sorry so many of the kids don't feel the need to help. If each one could sleep there 1 night you'd be covered. On the other side, I could understand how scared someone could be if they were there and something happened. It takes a certain maturity and experience to be able to handle those situations. I'm not sure I'm there yet! .

My thoughts are prayers are with you and your family. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you.

Hi Gramz,
I hope your MIL gets better soon.
Its hard when they live on their own as you dont see when they fall etc. She probably feels that if she moves into a Rest home that she will loose her inderpendance. She has done really well to still be living on her own up to her age.

When my MIL died 13 years ago my FIL found it hard on his own for awhile but learned to adapt well. About 6 or 7 years later it was decided by the family that he needed to go into a resthome so he looked at a few with his Daughtwer and decided on one where he knew some people. He did well and enjoyed it. He had 24 hour care if needed and brought his own unit.
We all visited him often and took him out to places.

We brought his house when he moved into the resthome and had tenents in for awhile. We then sold our house and moved in where we are now which was his old house. We used to bring him our here for meals and he enjoyed seeing the changes we had made and liked seeing and spending time with our children.

Sometimes people get caught up in their own little world so to speak and dont like making changes but sometimes its for the best. I hope all goes well with your MIL.

Take care from Deb

Gramz: I'm so sorry your family is going through this. I'll be keeping you and your MIL in my prayers.

Gramz,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now and I hope that your MIL is better soon.

I know firsthand about caring for a parent. My Mom lived with us for 27 years. As she got older and developed health problems (stroke, broken hip, cancer) it did become difficult and my two sisters were content to sit back because they knew that I would take care of her. This was also true of her grandchildren (other than my own children). I was very close to my Mom so it was well worth it to me but make no mistake about it, it does take a lot of time and energy. In my area there is a ridiculously long waiting list for elder care spaces and because my mom lived with me (an able- bodied woman) there was no outside help for us. It was only at the end of her life that I was able to get a little aid and that was only with her bathing.

I know how much you care for your MIL but be careful of how much of an extra load that you can take on at this time of your life. I know that I went through meno at the same time that my Mom was dying and it was very difficult.

I hope everything works out for you.

Hugs,
Arla.

((((gramz)))),

praying for all of you & hoping that you can find a solution to a difficult situation. we are going though something similar with a dear friend/neighbor who is 85 & broke her pelvis a couple of months ago. she lives alone & has endured both an assault & cancer in the prior 2 years. this time we thought that there was no way that she would be able to come home, but she came home this weekend & we are all trying to make it work with the help of some outside assistance.

keeping you & your mil in my thoughts & wishing you all the best. take care of yourself as well.
xo,
ellen

Gramz,
Sorry to hear about your MIL. I hope she gets better soon. I hope you will get more support from your family. Visiting nurses or home health can help out while she is recovering. Sending healing prayers for your MIL.

LLW

Sorry to hear about your MIL, Gramz - I hope she gets well soon --


hugs

Thank you to all of you for your thoughts and your prayers. It means alot!!

My first inclination is to jump in and do it all. The fact that other family members did not want to step up made me angry and of course I was going to show them by just doing it all myself. That is my emotins talking rather than being level headed. So after reading what many of you said I decided to step back and give this alot more thought rather than just reacting. If I over extend myself I will end up sick and then I will not be able to be there for my own kids/grandkids/husband or mother-in-law. I called her doctor yesterday and he actually returned my call. He said for me to check her insurance to see what her coverage is and he is willing to write orders for the help she needs on a dialy basis. He said most insurances have some kind of benefits that help out for inhome care. So far we have just been paying for the help she has for three days a week.

I am calling the insurance company today. My husband and I talked about it last night and we tried to take the emotion out of it and to look at this whole situation in a sensible/realistic way. We both have full time jobs and we are raising two grandkids that require alot of time and energy as well. We have to be sure to take care of ourselves physically and emotionally because there are two kids that depend on us and need us around for a long time. Grandma has a savings account that she has put money aside in the event that she were to ever need to be put in a nursing home. We are going to work with the insurance company to see what they will cover and then we will pay from the savings account for the additonal inhome services. It will be a heck of a lot cheaper than an assisted living facility and she will be able to remain at home which is what she really wants to do.

We are going to try and get somone that can care for her in the day as well as stay at least four nights a week with her. We may have to get a couple of people (one for day and one for night). I contacted an inhome care facility this morning and they are going to provide us with a list of people and we can conduct interviews before making any final decisions. My husband and I as well as the kids will go up on the weekends to stay with her.

Thank you again for all your support and wonderful suggestions. They are most appreciated!!

Lots of Hugs,
Gramz

Hi Gramz!

I'm glad that your mother-in law is okay. My grandmother had a nasty fall a couple of years ago and also needed stitches. In Canada we have what we call PSW's. It stands for personal support worker and they come into the home and prepare meals, do household chores and assist their clients in bathing, dressing or whatever need me. I'm sure there is something like that in the States. They also are a great source of companionship. My grandmother is also steadfast about not wanting to leave her home of 58 years and it is a great source of comfort knowing there is somebody with her at all times.

Take care
Tara

A good suggestion, i am a community care worker over here in OZ and thats my job to look after people who are frail.

We do all sorts of things from personal care, shopping, taking to doc's appointments and housework. Yes we have to have police checks and also training.

Good luck with it and try not to get too annoyed at the younger one's, once they get older they will realise they should have helped.

(((((Gramz)))))

I am so sorry to hear about your MIL. You are so fortunate to have such a warm and loving relationship. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you and your husband.

It sounds like in home health care is your best option at this point. Hopefully her insurance will be able to cover it, and she will have care throughout the day. If that's not the case, is there a possibility that she could live with you and your family? Would there be enough room is it came down to that?

I'm keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. I'm just a short drive away, so please let me know if there is anything that I can do.

Big hugs,
Karen

Gramz,

I'm so sorry your MIL suffered such injuries from her fall. I hope she's on the mend, and hasn't suffered too much pain, poor thing...

You and hub were very wise to go through and consider what financially could be done. Those of us who know you, are not surprised when you say that at first you figured you'd just manage all the care! You have a HUGE heart. But there is only one of you , and your MIL did put some money aside against this possibility. You are wise to use it to keep her as happy and comfortable as possible for the remainder of her life.

We have dealt with a lot of concerns with my mom this past year - it's a whole other way of relating when our parents get old, and a little tricky, as our elderly loved ones can be very determined to stay in their own homes. It is not cheap to keep them there with help, but it is even more expensive to consider assisted living, or nursing homes.

I did a whole bunch of research about what might be eligible out there, talking to elder-care specialists in Maine, etc. Most states have an agency that will come in for free, and do an assessment of what your elderly loved one needs in order to remain in her home (or they will tell you if they feel it is not a good idea for the elder to be living on their own). In Maine this agency is called the Goold Assessments. You might do an online search of your state's elderly services and see if they offer this - here it's free for all elderly residents of the state. A nurse comes in and does a complete overview of your loved one's home, health, food intake, etc., and then makes recommendations on what services would be helpful.

Is your MIL low-income? If so, there are very good programs, but it does require finding out about them, getting onto waiting lists, etc. If not, you can still be helped by a good assessment, as it will guide you on how best to use her funds (how often should she be visited, what nursing care might she need, etc.).

Is your MIL getting Meals on Wheels, and would she accept that if not? For a very low fee, she'd get one very good hot meal delivered each day. My brother was a delivery guy for the program for years, and the "old ladies" LOVED him, because he is sweet-natured, and speaks beautiful French (which most of the elderly in my hometown speak).

Gramz, I have to be honest and say it's taken a bit of a "fight" to get my mom the help she's getting (home-health nurses assisting with her diabetes, which she refuses to manage on her own, and doesn't want us (her kids) to deal with at ALL). I went through a number of state agencies, and then finally this late summer pleaded a case with her doctor, and HE'S the one who made the arrangements. But he agreed to this only after his nurse asked me in an exasperated way, "Couldn't your mother come and live with you?" The services, if your mom is low-income, are much in demand, and they really throw up a lot to discourage people from using them. (BTW, I can't imagine how Mom and I could live together. She's dedicated to her 6 sisters, who are all elderly like her, and all live within a mile of one another. AND Mom and I have not been emotionally close - not my choice. )

I live an hour from my mom, and it's a relief to know that nurses are coming in every other day to help with her injections... She also has the medic-alert bracelet (which she often refuses to wear! ), and we are in the process of talking with banks about using equity in her home to build her a downstairs bathroom, as she only has one on the 2nd floor, and is having increasing trouble getting up the stairs.

My heart goes out to you, Gramz. Women our age really do have the whole range of caregiving - our parents who increasingly need help, our adult kids that we (of course!) still worry about, and our grandchildren - in your case, especially so as they live with you.

A million (((HUGS))) to you, you beautiful "Earth-Angel," and good luck as you help your MIL find a way to keep going that will make her as happy as possible. And of course, go gently as you can and take good care of yourself, as well.

Luv,
JJ

JJ....thanks for your supportive words. We have shared much throughout the years here on PowerSurge and I have taken your many words of advice to heart.....like remembering to take care of myself and learning that I cannot do it all.

I think many of us here are going through the same struggles with our parents. They are aging and they need extra care and regardless of whether they were great moms or just okay moms, we as daughters and daughters-in-laws want to do what is best for them but always trying to remember that we need to rememberto take care of ourselves.

We have made progress with my MIL. I took off last Thursday and took her to the doctor and had the stitches removed from her head and we had a good conversation with them about how to proceed going forward. We have one woman who was coming in three days a week for 3 hours each of those days and she has agreed to come five days a week and to arrive at 8:00am and let herself in and help mom out of bed and to get dressed and get her breakfast prepared and then to help bathe her and wash her hair a few times a week. She will do some laundry while she is there and do up breakfast dishes and make mom's bed for her. On the days that she has doctors appts that my husband and I can't get off work to take her to....she will take mom to those appointments. She and mom will make up grocery list and she will do the grocery shopping for mom once a week and pick up prescriptions when needed. Mom likes her alot and she is very kind and came highly recommended by a family friend.

We have a few more to interview for the evening shift and they will come in during the late afternoon and get dinner fixed for mom and eat with her (companionship will help her appetite during the week I'm sure because when we are there during the weekend and I'm cooking and preparing meals and we all eat together as a family she has a really good appetite). This person will do up the dishes and help to get mom ready for bed and to make sure she takes her evening meds and once she gets settled in she will leave. She will come Mondays through Thursdays. Both of them will help mom to the bathroom and to make sure she is testing her blood sugar daily and blood pressure daily and seeing that she takes her medications both day and evening. Having someone there to insure she doesn't take another fall is the biggest thing.

My husband and the grandkids and I are going up on Friday's after school and work and spending the weekends up there. The kids love it because her home is in the mountains and we have taken up bicycles, skateboards, lots of art supplies and of course the tree swing that my husband made in one of the big trees on her property. We have made it an adventure with them and they think it is pretty cool to load up the car and head up there for the weekends. Mom loves it becasue the kids are so good with her and she is not "alone".

I'm very blessed because she is one of those people that NEVER complains. She is just so appreciative of anything that we do for her. My husband and the kids go to bed at night and she and I sit at the kitchen table drinking hot tea and she shares the most wonderful stories with me of when she was growing up and about her family. With the economy the way it is right now she is sharing about growing up during the depression as a young girl and she is just one very smart woman with a heart of gold.

Thanks again to everyone for your words of encouragement and support. It means alot!!!

Hugs,
Gramz

WOW Gramz you sure have done a lot in short period of time! Bless you and your family - I know this cannot be easy. I hope you MIL continues to get the care she needs and that you can worry less. So glad to hear the kids will enjoy being there with her too , that will make it easier. Bless you dear.
xxxooo

Your MIL sounds like such a sweet heart - you are blessed and she by you! I'm glad it appears to be working out so well!!!

Zelma