Hey everybody,

I'm completely freaked out about my memory. I'm 44. My periods are normal. Although I used to be exactly 28-29 days apart. And now it seems as though they're coming just a tad earlier--by a day or two.

Anyway, I have had a really difficult year. Lots of stress from a family situation. And all of this peaked this summer when I finally wrote my mother a letter than should have been written 25 years ago. Basically told her, "Enough!"

Right around that time, I started taking flax seed oil to help with my memory problems. My problems include:

Not having ANY idea which friend I have told what. I mean AT ALL. Not in a funny, cute sort of way. I have to ask nearly every friend, "Did I tell you ... blah, blah?" before I start because I have no idea if I've shared the information with them. I can usually retain what other people tell me. But when it comes to my own news--it's as if I have no memory of when I've said it and to whom.

And I'm really scared about it.

I also would be LOST without a calendar to write things down. A friend and I had discussed having tea this week. By the time I got back to my desk I had completely forgotten about it. I think I sent myself an e-mail to remind myself and that's the only thing that saved me. But had I not done that, it really would have been gone from my mind--COMPLETELY.

I have had a lot of panic attacks this year about health. I was convinced I had hyperthyroidism. Was so panicky about it that I couldn't manage the stress and took myself to the E.R. Was feeling as though I wanted to snuff out my life. (Had no plan but just couldn't bear the anxiety.)

I was cleared medically. Nothing wrong. (Oh--except essential tremor. I was diagnosed with that--it's a benign tremor. What Hepburn had.)

But then I started twitching and completely freaked out again. Was convinced I had Parkinson's. Went to two different neurologists and both cleared me.

I've talked to a lot of doctors about the memory stuff because I'm so scared this is early onset Alzheimer's. None of them think I have anything to worry about. But I'm truly, deeply scared about it.

They've talked me off the hyperthyroidism ledge and the Parkinson's ledge (I only was able to calm down about the twitching after finding this board and seeing that other women had twitching arms and legs--couldn't believe it!)

But I have this sick, sinking, depressing, terribly sad fear inside that my mind is on its way out.

Does anyone else have trouble remembering who they've told what? And I don't mean here and there. I mean with steady consistency?

I appreciate any feedback you would be willing to share.

(Also, the anxiety is sometimes unmanageable. OH--and a note to all you flax seed oil takers. If you have experienced a ramped up sense of anxiety since taking them, get off them! My anxiety was out the roof--making me have very scary thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore. A friend told me that they caused her perimenopausal anxiety to get much worse. I went off them and it changed the level of my anxiety drastically. I'm still suffering from a lot of anxiety--mostly around my health and fears that I have Alzheimer's. But when I was taking the flax seed oil, I couldn't imagine how I was going to live my life like this.)

Does anyone else out there feel like they're broken?

(By the way, not one doctor suggested perimenopause to me. And I've seen a lot. One of the E.R. doctors asked me if I was menopausal and when I said "no"--based on periods--he didn't say anything else and I was sent in to see the psychiatrist.)

I'm scared. Any thoughts?

Thank you.

Sukie

I am ten years older than you, and my memory is failing. If you are concerned, go to a neurologist, where they can administer testing, and you can get a CT and/or MRI to look for brain plaques, and other signs of early dementia.

I take a prescription drug called Provigil (modafinil). It is prescribed for people with narcolepsy, but it is also prescribed "off-label" for attention disorders in adults. It is a new class of drugs called "nootropics" which mean "smart drugs". Google this to learn more on how to improve your memory, and your brain in general. There are many nootropics you can get without a prescription, some in vitamin shops, health food specialty markets, and anti-ageing clinics.

Nootropics have been around for a while, but the medical community pays no attention to it. Just like menopause, most doctors are still ignorant of this process.

I actually did have an MRI of the brain and it showed that it was normal. I asked the doctor if lesions would show on an MRI and he said probably not. So I guess the only way to rule it out is a CT scan but I don't like the idea of that. (Very high radiation on CT scans).

No doctor seems to think I have Alzheimer's or dementia. But I am just very scared about not being able to remember conversations.

I'm glad to hear that the medicine is helping you.

I'm a little hesitant to try anything new right now because my simple attempt with flax seed oil was disastrous.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts out here with me.

Please take into concideration that you started off by saying you wrote a letter to your Mom that should of been written 25 years ago. Emotional stress and or depression can leave little space for memory. I know that when I went through a depression I would cry with anger because I would completely forget appointments for my Girls, to return calls, to pass on messages. The whole lot. I really thought I was losing it. I went through testing and everything was fine. when my stress went down, my depression corrected, low and behold, my memory (concentration) came back.

Better to have a CT scan than to worry like this. See another doctor. Tell them you have noticed a significant deterioration in your short term memory. Be assertive and persisitent. If you get a clean bill of health, then you'll probably have to chalk this up to normal aging and stress. There are a number of things you can do...supplements, hypnosis, etc. But first rule out everything medically that you can. You have to put this problem 'to bed' so to speak, or it will ruin your life worrying about it...

Girlsmom,

Thank you for this. I am hoping that stress, anxiety and depression are the culprits.

This year, I came to terms with my mother's personality disorder, tried to release responsbility for that, grieved the loss of a relationship I can never have (even though she's still alive), and discovered--upon my confrontation with her--that my father was enmeshed with her.

(He took her side and basically told me not to visit them anymore until I could do so with a better attitude. This was hard because I thought he was an ally.)

So yes, there is a lot going on. I am still very concerned about the short-term memory issue. But I hope to experience what you experienced: a bounce-back once you were feeling better.

I keep thinking I'm "out of it" but I really don't have a sense of joy anymore. I guess that would indicate depression which could be impacting my memory.

Thanks again.

Sukie

RoundRobin,

I am trying to get in to see a specialist. I will take your advice and be persistent.

Thanks for the thoughts.

You're right: worrying about it won't help anything.

Sukie

My Gosh Suki, you really are goinjg the rounds. Don't compound the heavy head and heart you already have by burdening yourself with thoughts of losing your mind. You are losing it temporarily untill you *clear out the garbage* and allow space for good things, like memory and living in Today. Know what I mean? Usually the people that see Psychiatrists and are not mentaly ill, are there because an outside influence. I was that way with my Husband,,,year long ill when it turned out he was the sick one, very sick one. All along I thought it was me. PM me if you like or if you feel down. Worst feeling is that of being alone.
<Hugs> Gm

Suki, you mentioned personality disorder of your mom...is it BPD? I am dealing with a SIL with this and it is very hard...stress is definitely playing a role in my brain fog, memory and fatigue. I am now seeing a psychiatrist (I was at first VERY reisistant) and he is great and kind and very seasoned so I decided to try and trust him for now...I am not sure if all this will help...he thinks I may have sub-clinical depression (I still am not sure, but as I said I decided to trust for now) and I am try some antidepresents and some therapy...perhaps you too may benefit...I am quite sure that at least the stress of family and peri has significantly contributed to my brain problems and some of my physical problesm as well...hope this helps...Joan

Hi Suki - definitely stress wreaks havoc on our short-term memory. Buy some crossword puzzle books and do a few at night in bed. This helps...alot actually. Do some brain teasers...exercise this muscle.

Hang in there,
Suzanne

Suki --

I agree with Suzanne. Crosswords and word puzzles are a great relaxer and help you keep your brain occupied and working. I know it might not sound very helpful, but I know it's worked for me. I've noticed over the past 4 or 5 years -- since I began peri -- that my memory has not been as sharp as it used to be. I go into a room to do something, and forget what it was once I'm there . . . I think of something I need to add to my grocery list, and by the time I pull it out I forget what it was! And then I forget to take the list with me to the store! And some days/weeks it seems worse than others. So I have a few puzzle books around the house -- I work on one at night before I go to sleep, even have one on the shelf in the bathroom! They're a great stress-buster, too, just to get your mind off other things.

Anna

Hi Sukie:

I have problems with short term memory loss as well. I was checked thoroughly by a neurologist who I have been seeing for 10 years. Get checked over and talk to your doctor about the effects of depression and anxiety on your memory.

It is also my understanding that perimenopause can play with your memory too.

Hang in there, and be agressive with your doctors.
Hugs to you.

Some years ago, I really began to worry about having early onset Alzheimers. I began to forget names and conversations, and words would just not come. One of my friends is a renowned gerontologist, so I meekly told her how upset I was. Here is what she said: Alzheimers begins with the same kinds of symptoms manifested in the full-onset disease. So, she assured me, if I could not remember where I had put my keys, I could chalk it up to stress or overload or just normal aging. If, even for a second, I could not remember what keys are for, then she said to go to a neurologist. And I have not worried since.

Warm regards to all,
Marcy

Marcy:

Bless you for this.

Fortunately, I have not had any of the latter problems that you mentioned. I did find myself throwing a few spoons away without realizing it. But ever since I figured out that I was pitching the cat food spoons in the trash with the paper towels I was using to wipe them off, and that I didn't have a spoon-stealing ghost (can you believe I actually Googled "spoon-stealing ghost" to see if anyone else had any silverware-hungry goblins?) ... since I ruled all of that out, I've not thrown any more silverware out.

Thank you for sharing this information that your doctor friend shared with you. And thank you for sharing your similar experiences of being very frightened by this. I, too, have been so scared about it that I've been afraid to admit it to many.

Your note is very comforting.

Sukie

Stitchnanny,

Did your check-up with the neurologist turn out OK? Are you saying that you learned that depression and anxiety were the culprits for you?

I'm finally getting around to reading, "The Wisdom of Menopause" and it is bringing me much comfort. Like many of the other women on this board, I simply CANNOT believe that we don't know more about this.

You know, I actually found myself a little embarrassed to be reading this book on the bus on the way to work. And to have it out on my desk at work. And I've had to ask myself, "Why?"

Isn't it amazing and terrible how taboo this subject is? How it's perceived as ... well, almost a joke?

If men had to suffer through these experiences, there would be so much more research done, so many more answers and so much more help available. But because it's a female thing, it's chalked up to this laughable, psychotic, emotional female thing. And frankly, I'm pretty irritated.

I'm trying to do my part by proudly carrying this book with me on the bus. Leaving the front cover in plain view for all to see. And opening talking about my experiences with men and women alike.

Guess I sort of went off on a rant there ...

Thanks again, Stitchnanny.

Sukie

Suzanne and virtualhorizon:

I will try this. I'm going to try to just get my brain more activated in general. I work from home some days and I'm going to try to listen to foreign language tapes while I'm working. And I will pick up some crossword puzzles, too. I read in "The Wisdom of Menopause" that exercise really helps, too. She even had a statistic in there about women who exercise 2 x week being much less likely to develop Alzheimer's. (That might not be the exact statistic so don't quote me on that but the stats were startling in a hopeful way--in terms of good excuses to exercise.)

Thank you for sharing the specific examples of your memory issues. It's very comforting. The grocery list one was especially helpful to me. Because that's what I'm experiencing a lot of: having just said something or referenced something and then go back to recall it and it's gone. Very weird.

I had a long conversation with a friend last night. Was counseling her on some relationship stuff. Then I went to sum up the three points I had just spent an hour making and couldn't remember the third freaking point! (She eventually did, though.)

It's just scary and weird when it didn't used to be like this.

(Also, I suffer from anxiety in a way that I never have in my life. I could and should share some of those stories at some point. It's a good thing I have insurance because I've convinced myself beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have contracted several different diseases. The first landed me in the E.R. Was convinced I had hyperthyroidism: shakes, palpitations, HIGH anxiety, loose bowels, depression, faster that usual heart rate.) Came out of that fine but went to out-patient therapy for two weeks after to deal with the family issues I mentioned earlier. A few weeks later, I was convinced I had Parkinson's. (I started TWITCHING! And am still twitching! Anybody else out there have THAT?) I was cleared. And the most recent panic attack was about Alzheimer's. I actually wrote this post when I was in the throes of that anxiety attack.

Thanks to all of you for helping me cope. What would we women do without each other? I mean, really.)

Sukie

Dear Sukie
I was born with a poor memory!so you have come to the right lady.Seriously,when I am very anxious or depressed do lose things easily.Cannot even remember my own mobile number,have printed it on a piece of paper which I stuck on the front to give to anyone who asks me.

Foggy mind and spaced out feelings are part and parcel of Menopause .Sometimes ADs can help as Anxiety over this leads to depression which exacerbates that feeling "Of what did I come into this room for?"etc.Also compounded with what you have had to deal with over your Mum's problem.

I love my mother but she is rather cold and reserved I know she loves me but never verbalises it or hugs me spontaneously.I am always anxious around her and have to take Zanax more often.This is sad but is just the way it is.i am going tomorrow to London to visit and have already taken a Zanax to start calming myself down.This is also a pit as had really almost completely stopped them

Another thing,my spelling has really gone down hill.I was an English Teacher for many years and now have to substiute different words if I can't remember spelling.

Be careful to get enough rest and eat well.Cut down on the sugars and caffeine as these add to the jitters.Also a daily walk and like the ladies say Crossword Puzzles etc can help brain keep nimble.

However,from the clear concise way you express yourself am sure it is a temporary situation.Don't forget to read the Article on Brain Fogginess in The Power Surge Forum

Keep in Touch
God Bless
Elizabeth

slowbear,

Sadly it is Bipolar Personality Disorder (BPD). And what a trip that has been. It's been quite a year, I tell you. I have invested a lifetime in trying to have a positive, happy, healthy relationship with my family. A decade or so ago, I realized that could never be with my brothers. That was a loss--letting go of that fantasy. And this past year, I had a major freak-out when my mother suggested coming to visit. (Something she never does.) I thought I had buried all of my issues with her but something about her being on my turf sent me into a tizzy. I went back into therapy and was bemoaning all of this stuff with my therapist. And he is the first of many, many therapists to have suggested that my mother has a personality disorder.

I can't tell you how mind-boggling that was for me. I had spent a lifetime adjusting my behavior around hers to find the perfect balance of what might help us get along. The sad answer: Nothing could fix it. Because it wasn't my fault. As soon as I eliminated one aspect of my personality she might see as a threat, she would find something new to complain about. (Would you believe one of her last gripes with me was that I drove too carefully? That's how desperate she is to find fault in me.) So after a lifetime of unsuccessfully trying to get her to see my side of things. And more consistently, just muting my feelings and taking her abuse. Allowing her to tell me I looked terrible or was mentally unstable, etc., etc. After doing this for a lifetime, with the help of my therapist, I started to sloooowly come to terms with the fact that our relationship will never be what I spent my whole life hoping it could be. And that--even though she is 600 miles away--I have been living my adult life under her microscope. Allowed her judgments to live inside of me. And have cut enormous parts of myself off because I thought if she found out about who I really am (a progressive creative type--not terrible but seen as a threat! everything is!) I would lose my connection with her and all of my family.

So this year has been brutal. Having a name to assign to her behavior blew me away! I just thought she was mean and hated me. But my therapist was right. She has Bipolar Personality Disorder. I have read so much about it since he suggested it and it is SPOT ON. (Yet another issue we know little about, ladies. I tell you: this blew my mind and saved my a**. I would have wasted the second half of my life in the same way I had the first had I not made this discovery. And the discovery was THAT important because it can't be cured. BPD isn't fixable. So it forced me to let go and get on with my life.)

And this was the year that I did that. I spent 6 months working on a letter to my mother--explaining the new terms and that they were not negotiable. (This was after a hideous Christmas visit in which I was attacked at the breakfast table. After having traveled 15 hours on the train to be with my family and spending $600 to get there.) Something about that episode snapped something in me.

I can see now that it might have been perimenopause that brought me to the point of not being willing to tolerate injustices. (She talks about this in The Wisdom of Menopause. That it's a gift! Because we suddenly get up one day and say, "enough!" to the injustices and inequities we've been succumbing to our entire lives. I highly recommend the book!)

Anyway, my letter was not received well. I mentioned earlier that my father (who I thought was my ally) responded by telling me not to visit them anymore until I could do so with a better attitude. I responded to that letter stating that the terms were firm and that asking for peace wasn't too much to ask. My mother responded to that letter with an e-mail stating that they "weren't ready for any visits with me yet."

I'm being punished for stepping outside of the system. My birthday is in October and I ALWAYS go home to Pennsyvlania to get out of the city. My mother's tactic was meant to cause me to buckle. Because she knows how much being there in October means to me.

So this year, I've had to come to terms with the fact that my relationship with my parents is conditional. That I can't be myself with them. That I do not have the family support system that a lot of people are so lucky to have. And that I will have to--here in midlife--figure out a way to have a "family" of a different sort. (I'm single and divorced.)

My how I have rambled on.

So that's my story. Yes, it is BPD. And it might be one of the most difficult mental issues one has to deal with in life. Very tricky because the person can fake it around others. The mistreatment is usually reserved for a select few. I was deemed the "crazy one" in my house and when I insisted upon walking out of that role and not putting up with it anymore, I was banished.

Not fun. Not easy. Heartbreaking. Feel like I'm the parent of these two elders in my life. It has been a sucky, sucky year.

BUT!

With the help of friends and generous folks like you here on the board, I am trying to crawl forward and believe in the possibility that these trying times will churn us out the other side better and strong. And certainly more whole.

More prepared to live fully and do exactly what it is we were meant to do in our time here.

That is my hope.

That payoff awaits.

I wish that for all of my sisters.

Sukie

Elizabeth:

Thank you for your sweet note. I sometimes have a hard time with my cell number, too! I can usually recall it. But often after I give it to someone, I will open it up to the "phone card" setting that reveals my number and will check to see if I got it right! (Sometimes I think the stress of worrying about forgetting things compounds the forgetfulness! What a world!)

And THANK YOU for mentioning the spelling. That really, really freaked me out when that started going. I thought I had MS for a while. It's just so scary to be rolling along like one always did and then have all of these changes take place. (I am actually to the point where I'm longing for a hotflash or a skipped period so I can definitely attribute it all to this. My cycles are normal so all I'm experiencing is the emotional/mental stuff which is what makes is so scary. Well plus the d*** twitches.)

I was sorry to hear about the situation with your mom. There are some similarities between yours and mine. My mother has finally learned to hug her kids after not having seen them for several months. But it's forced and--get this--is one-armed. It's very symbolic: There is always a part of her that is pushed away from and almost repulsed by one's presence. Can't embrace it fully. (That's a neat and tidy way of categorizing what is actually some pretty abusive and demeaning behavior on her part.)

Anyway, I really feel for you and will be hoping that your visit goes well. If you have to take a few "helpers" along to get you through it, so be it. I have refused to go that route but have paid my own price. (I'm 44 but look like I'm 60. There are lines of war carved deeply into my face.) So don't beat yourself up about needing a little help from "your friends"--ha! (In fact, maybe you could make that your own little joke. Pop a few pills and sing the Beatles song as your own humorous secret to this unfortunate circumstance.) I'm learning that laughter is key during this trying time.

(BTW, I'm from western PA and we call our mother "Mum," too. Funny to see someone else doing it out there.)

Thanks for your support and encouragement, Elizabeth. And for sharing your personal story. I have cut back on the caffeine substantially and will try to do the same with sugars. And I have been making it a point to sleep a lot. And I will DEFINITELY check out the post you mentioned on brain fog.

I wish you a peaceful visit. Try to go with reasonable expectations. Go for you. Not in hopes that she's going to suddently be warm and receptive. Sounds like she gives one-armed love, too. That's not a statement on you. It's a statement on her.

Be proud.

Sukie

Sukie...sorry to hear you are having memory problems.......

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!.....I swear!.... I can be in a conversation and then in mid-conv I stop and completely forget what I was going to say...then I forget 'the word' for something (like a persons name, tv show, make of something etc.,)...it used to take me a few seconds to recover that word, but now it takes me minutes, and I feel real stupid!

And..yes, it's scary...I have also been 'struck dumb', where my brain has stopped functioning for a moment and no words come out my mouth....now thats when I feel like I have got early onset alzheimers!

Marcy (Malkachava) also told me about the fact that its normal to forget where things are etc., it's when you forget what they are for when you should go see someone.

I do exercise frequently, about 4 times a week, and I do sudoku now and again, but I can see I need to rev up
the 'brain teasing' exercises somewhat.

Don't you think also that at our age you have so much going on in your life - kids activities, what to cook for dinner, shopping etc.,- that our brain gets 'overloaded' and gets confused with 'stuff'?!

I really don't think it's anything for you to worry about, but if it eases your mind, then get checked out.

Hugs,

Caz

Caz,

Thanks for the note. And don't feel bad about not being able to recall words for a few minutes. One time, I couldn't remember the word, "treadmill" for THREE DAYS. And recently, I was trying to recall that one neighborhood in the D.C. area and I struggled for a WEEK before I finally gave in and Googled it. (It was "Georgetown.")

I sort of know what you mean about the brain just sort of malfunctioning sometimes, too. I've actually started sort of stuttering. It's not exactly stuttering maybe more like a stammer. It's as if my thoughts are firing too quickly and when they reach my mouth there's a traffic jam. And I have to take a breath and think through what I'm trying to say and speak slowly.

I would like to blame it all on a busy schedule but I don't really have one. I don't have children so I'm only cooking for myself and feeding my cats once a day. I can't imagine trying to juggle all of the stuff that comes with kids--with a brain that's on vacation.

Commend yourself for keeping it together as well as you are!

Thanks for the support and for helping to ease my mind.

You all are great out here.

Sukie

Sukie,

Thanks for sharing the stuff about your mum... I've had a similar relationship with mine, and others on these boards have talked about similar stuff. You're not alone!

Parents of adult children MUST learn that they have to re-negotiate their relationships with them. They can no longer just bark out orders, or say any old mean thing that pops into their heads. It becomes a relationship between equals, but many parents are not willing to give up their perceived superiority.

It's very hard, but I'm so proud of you for laying out the terms, and sticking to them! If your parents can not accept them, how sad... for THEM. They have a wonderful, strong and smart daughter. Hopefully, one day they'll recognize that.

(((HUGS)))

Jacquie

P.S.

If my grown daughter (whom I adore) wrote me a note expressing frustration with something I'm doing, I would take it very seriously, and do all in my power to talk with her until we found common ground. Family is so important!

JJ

Sukie

Please try not to worry about this....its probably only happening because with all the symptoms of menopause, it kinda focus all your attention on yourself, and you cant keep up with the outside world . This will pass kiddo.....but from the sound of it...your in the very beginning of this roller coaster ride....once you get closer to the end...you will see improvment in your memory and in all the other areas. Just hang on...I was the same way in the beginning....but it does get better.

Peace
AA

Sukie-

I actually felt better when I read your post. I have been having the same problem for a couple of years now. My family relies on me to remember everything for them...including their childhoods. My short term memory of the last four or five years is horrible. And yes, I don't remember things I"ve told people, etc. And stupid stuff. The other night I bought some new mixing bowls. I took them out of the dishwasher today and could nto for the life of me remember where I bought them. How ridiculous!!

I think sometimes when life is so busy with kids, work, commuting, stress, more stress, school, etc etc etc our minds just get overwhelmed. I am trying to slow down and decrease my stress levels a bit. Take time to stop and smell the flowers so to speak. I am hopeful that once I slow down a bit and give myself "breathers' here and there it helps. A friend of mine gave me this advice. She was suffering the same problem. I think sometimes our minds just have so much going on at once that they let go of things....I hope.

Keep me posted. I hope you are well.

Oh, CluelessMary,

I'm so glad this post helped you out. I find comfort in the fact that one person's sharing can bring comfort to someone else.

I am feeling much, much better about things.

Friends and the women here on the board have helped me a lot.

I think it's hard for us ... so hard ... because we've been living in these bodies for so long and have come to expect them to behave a certain way. So when all of these strange things start happening, we have no way to process it--thanks in part to the lack of research and education on this subject.

I'm realizing now that a lot of my fears have had to do with ignorance.

I remember when I was in grade school, we had a special "girl seminar" in which menstruation was explained to us. Different samples of feminine protection were passed around. (One of the samples back then was a pad with a belt!)

We knew what to expect with menstruation.

But perimenopause? PERIMENOPAUSE?

We got nothing.

I thought perimenopause was a figment of overly dramatic women's imaginations. And I thought menopause was an inflammation of PMS symptoms that coincided with the end of menstrual cycles.

What is wrong with this culture? Why aren't we educated about this? Why aren't our doctors educated about this? I was absolutely blindsided by this experience. Why didn't any doctors suggest I get off the flax seed oil? Why didn't any doctors suggest I was experiencing anxiety because of perimenopause? Memory problems because of it? Depression because of it?

When I started to put two and two together, I had a chilling thought.

I believe, I really believe that some women have probably committed suicide because of perimenopause. I had many, many dark moments in which I felt I couldn't go on. And it was because I didn't understand what was happening to me. I was sooooo anxious. Sooooo sad. And I couldn't control it. I actually thought that I had broken something in my brain. That I had lost my mind. And I didn't think I could live out the rest of my life like this.

The second I started to understand that it might be perimenopause, the load instantly lightened.

I am troubled by the fact that there are some women out there who, for various reasons and circumstances, don't have someone in their lives to suggest perimenopause. (Lord knows none of my doctors did and I've seen A LOT of doctors over the past 3 months.)

Anyway, this is a long, drawn out way of saying to you, CluelessMary, and everyone else out there who reads this:

You are not alone!

If you are forgetting things, you have joined the ranks of many, many, many, many other women who have forgotten things, too. (That is something I would do, CM: forget where I bought my bowls!)

If you are feeling anxious and panicky, you are not alone!

If you are feeling sad and you don't know why, you are not alone!

If you are feeling as though you've lost everything: vitality, youth, opportunity, you are not alone!

AND ... there is a corner that you CAN and WILL turn if you understand the context of these new and confusing feelings.

I'm early on in my journey but the smallest things have made the biggest difference for me.

I'm really plugging this book (note to readers: took me 5 seconds to remember the word "plugging") but The Wisdom of Menopause is doing wonders for me.

This time feels like a loss because we think it means endings.

I'm learning that it means beginnings.

It's a time of taking our power back. Not easy. Requires a lot of examination of our relationships and our sense of self. A lot of honest and difficult analysis.

But I really am starting to believe that it's about a time for women to come into their own.

CluelessMary, your note brought me comfort. I love your bowl story.

I'm feeling much less scared about my memory.

It's pretty astounding how worrying about it makes it so much worse.

Once I tried to stop focusing on it and tried to start thinking outside of myself (engaging in others and not dwelling inside my own brain and judging what I could and couldn't remember) some of the pressure was relieved.

Don't get me wrong: I'm still forgetting left and right. I'm just not compounding the problem by allowing myself to spin into panic attacks over it.

And some other breaking news: I had recently told a friend that I wished I had some physical symptoms to match my emotional and mental symptoms. So that I could be sure that it was all part of the same package. I actually said out loud to her, "I wish I would just get some hot flashes so I would know this is what is really happening with me."

Get this: I was at work today and this lightbulb went off.

All this year, I've experienced intermittent night sweats. Of course, because we're not taught what that is, I just thought I was suddenly a sweaty woman! (Absurd, isn't it?!) I would wake up very hot and sweaty. Sometimes even tearing my shirt off just to cool down and get the sweaty shirt off. I NEVER put anything together with this. Again: just thought I'd become a sweaty woman.

This happened last night. When it happens, it's like a Match Box car could hyrdoplane across my chest. Not beads of sweat. Like a sheet of wet.

And at work today, ding! It all clicked.

Night sweats!

Even with all of the evidence, I still wondered if that's what it was. It's back to this weird thing of having no precendence. And as a result having a hard time attaching a "diagnosis" to it. We all know what it feels like to get a cold. But perimenopause is anybody's guess!

Anyway, I've really rambled on a long time here.

I'll sign off now.

Light and support to all,

(Sweaty) Sukie

joliejacq:

Thank you VERY much for your support. My therapist said the same thing. That good parents would really look at themselves and their own behavior if they received a note like mine. Especially given the fact that my oldest brother has almost no relationship with them (for the same reasons). I'm the second to walk away. The difference with me is that I'm trying to maintain a relationship with them.

Still, I'm getting very clear indications that their affection is conditional and when conditions change (I cave), their affection will return.

Conditions aren't going to change: I've crossed the bridge and I ain't turning back.

Sure is too bad so many of us have these sorts of issues.

Thanks for understanding it so well and putting words to my struggle. It is about relinquishing the parenting role and recognizing adult children as adults.

Your words helped!

Sukie

They have. My mother killed herself during "the change" when I was a teenager.

So did I. But I survived my suicide, and lived to tell my story.

Armadillo,

I am terribly sorry for your loss.

And am so glad that you are here.

(So glad.)

I feel compelled to incorporate this work into my life, somehow.

So much unnecessary pain.

You did live to tell your story, Armadillo.

Tell on.

xo

Sukie