[size="3"][/size]If someone told me a year ago that I would be diagnosed with breast cancer - ductal carcinoma in situ specifically, or rather, DCIS, an early form of the disease - I truly would have thought them insane. Though cancer has affected members of my family - my mother died from lung and bone cancer 33 years ago when she was 52 and I was 19, while dad had a brief bout with testicular cancer when I was 10 - I truly thought - hoped, really - that I wouldn't be affected by it. Though I have been an intermittent smoker throughout my life and have quit for extended periods of time, I never worried about breast cancer because no one in my immediate or extended family - on both sides - had it. Two cousins on my father's side were worried about the disease (in addition to worrying about ovarian and uterine cancer) because their mother's side of the family was devastated by it, but since I was not related to their mother in any way, I gave it little, if any, thought. The only cancer I did worry about was ovarian cancer because I had taken fertility drugs when I was in my 30's - to no avail - along with having had lifelong problems with my reproductive area....endometriosis, cysts, a uterine deformity, fibroids, whacked out hormones since I was 12 and got my first period, ad infinitum. In that case I was almost vigilant about my gynecological health, but with my breasts? No. I would go for my mammograms periodically, and with an almost cavalier attitude, would think cancer would never touch me....would smugly and stupidly think I had gotten away with it again scot free ...would think I could always be as I was, without a care or worry in the world, would think I would never be touched by such devastation in my life, the kind that turns your world upside down and you in a wild free fall. "Cancer? Nahhhhh...It won't affect me ", I thought. Right. On March 25th, 2008, my cavalier behavior would catch up with me and I would get the dreaded news. I had breast cancer. How could that happen?

Receiving a devastating diagnosis - although in my case it was actually good since my cancer was at Stage 0 - is like having the floor fall away from beneathe your feet, an elevator break its cables while you are in it, the wind taken from your sails, and having the sky fall right down on your head. Getting such a diagnosis makes you realize JUST HOW mortal and vulnerable you are, just as it forces you to realize that life, as you once knew it, no longer exists. Life is categorized into BEFORE and NOW, without any dreams for the future because the future is uncertain, an unknown quantity. The nonsense we fret about - work conflicts, issues with colleagues and our bosses, friends and family, gossip, and the perennial question of whether we are liked or not - ultimately are boiled down meaning absolutely NOTHING in the scheme of our lives and our selves, especially after receiving a dreaded diagnosis. To this day, I remember feeling as if I were suspended in mid air without anything to break my fall. It was as if I was floating away lke a wayward balloon....floating beyond all I knew, felt and had believed in throughout the whole of my life....floating away to the unknown with terrible fear and trepidation....a terror that is hard to define. I remember feeling as if I were living some surrealistic dream....my life suddenly was in slow motion, while it continued to move fast and furiously around me. I was numb and broken and raging like a firestorm. Hadn't I been through enough stuff in my life? Hadn't I already lived many tales of loss, hurt and tragedy in my life? Hadn't I proven myself to be a survivor, a woman with immense courage and strength, and most importantly, the will and determination to get through it all? Hadn't I proven that I could still smile after all I had experienced? Hadn't I proven that a positive attitude could stem the tide of bitterness? Hadn't I...? Hadn't I? I had, but it didn't matter. Cancer would be the next journey I would embark upon, another lesson in a life that had already had too many lessons to learn and contend with.

Even though the diagnosis freaked me out, early on I made a decision that I would share my experience with others to help them understand the absolute importance of getting regular mammograms and NOT avoiding, running away or panicking about call backs. Doing so only sets the stage for problems that can get worse with time especially if something IS, most definitely, lurking around within our breast tissue and cells. In most cases, call back mammograms are a whole lot of nothing; frightening and worrisome yes, but ultimately a small inconvenience in the overall scheme of our lives. It happened to me two years ago, which is why I expressed that here. But in other cases, call backs can reveal that which we fear after they are done - a suspicious area could be cancerous or not - and do necessitate invasive and painful tests to determine the final diagnosis and treatment. In that vein, I share this with you:

1. Get your mammograms regularly and without fail. If you are 40 and there is no breast cancer in your family, make sure you get the baseline mammogram at that age. However, if you have a familial history of the disease and you are younger than 40, speak with your gynecologist to ascertain WHEN you should go for your baseline. If you have hormonal issues, you should do the same. My cancer was estrogen and progesterone positive - which meant that it was being fed by excessive levels of those hormones. A few months before my diagnosis, I learned that I was estrogen dominant, an issue in the body that can and does set the stage for cancer. I believe my lifelong hormone issues, coupled with my use of fertility drugs, ensured that I would get the disease. Either way, do not put your mammograms off, even if you are terrified. JUST DO IT, as the Nike commercial expresses.

2. Go for your call back mammograms even if you are terrified. DO not run away from it, please. Make sure you have someone with you to hold your hand if the stress of the call back is overwhelming. Chances are it is NOTHING, but if it is, be vigilant about following up with any further testing that is required. In other words, don't put off a biopsy because you are afraid of the pain. Time is important, so follow through quickly.

3. MRIs are painless but sometimes uncomfortable procedures because your breasts are squooshed as in a mammogram. You can get through it.

4. If you require a biopsy - I had stereotactic biopsy - please note that they can be painful while you are going through it. In addition to your breast being squooshed again, along with - as in my case - being placed on a table in an uncomfortable position, the actual process is difficult, especially when the instrument is inserted into the breast and tissue has to be collected. Typically a shot of lidocaine is used, but for me one shot didn't work. During my first biopsy I had to get 2 shots of it, and during my second - for my left breast as that had a suspicious area (that turned out to be NOTHING), I had to get 4 shots. Breathe and know you will get through it. Rest afterwards and follow the directions the radiologist's office gives you. DO NOT LIFT ANYTHING.

If it turns out to be cancer - and the waiting game is an arduous, aggravating and terrifying space - understand that you will have a lot of reactions to it, the chief one being terror, numbness and brain fog. Please note that the world of cancer is, as I have described it, one of two parts: the BUSINESS of cancer and the BUSYNESS of cancer.

The business of cancer is dealing with appointments with numerous doctors and their offices, asking questions, doing research about the disease and its treatment options, slogging through the health insurance maze and insanity, etc. Whatever you do MAKE SURE you have someone with you and that you bring a notebook. Let that person take notes for you because you can be in a fog because you are overwhelmed. I am a focused creature but suffice it to say I was OUT OF IT and heard only what I could digest at the moment.

The busyness of cancer is dealing with friends, family, colleagues and work, driving to and from appointments, or using public transportation. It is an overwhelming time and you will be faced with lots of questions and concerns, offerings of support and help. Take it. Don't try to be Superwoman because sometimes even Superwomen need a hand to hold.

Most importantly, please make sure that your partner is supported too. While it is understandable that ALL of the attention will be focused on you, the truth is that once cancer affects you it ALSO affects your family....your husband, partner, kids, parents, etc. My husband was immensely supportive of me and yet, had a lot of feelings, fears and concerns about my condition that all too often were ignored by others in our lives. This hurt him immeasurably,even though he intellectually KNEW and understood that the focus would obviously be on me. He needed support as well but found that his male friends could not offer any support in any real way but for a basic "How are she and you doing?" sort of way, only to find that they would change the subject when he verbalized his emotions too much. My female friends barely asked him how he was altogether, which was unfair. In fact, when I discussed this with my girlfriends as a way to give them a clue, their reactions continued to be focused on ME and my needs, rather than our needs as a couple, or on him. It was kind of sad but not all that surprising.

With cancer it is important to follow through on all of the treatment options that may be offered to you, including surgery, radiation treatments, chemotherapy (depending on the stage of cancer you have) or a combination of the two, along with preventative drugs to stem the tide of recurrence. The key is NOT to avoid doing any of this....get things done immediately to make sure it is addressed as quickly as possible. I know of one woman with cancer who had a lumpectomy and needed more surgery but she put it off indefinitely. I don't know her status now, but the point is to just do it.

Treatments, like radiation in my case, are difficult to contend with, create a host of feelings and issues (physical and psychological) that are maddening at times. Because I have fibromyalgia, the cumulative effects of radiation - specifically exhaustion - are made far worse and come far earlier than they are for people without the disease. I would have to learn my limits and know when I had to stop and recharge my battery, just as I would have to deal with brain fog, memory loss, forgetfulness, anger, rage, crankiness, and a very reddened, burned and sore breast. I kept plowing through and knew that in due course this, too, shall pass.

And finally, having cancer has changed ME such that the woman I was before has ceased to exist and a new version of the self I was has taken shape. I am less intense about most things, less likely to freak out if a negative comment is made about me at work, less likely to go nuts in a traffic jam, on line at the bank or in the grocery store. Though I have always been a "live and let live" type, I did worry about a lot of things all the time and I did allow myself to become consumed by stress and things that really didn't matter in life. I try not to do that now for the most part. Everything else...all of life's niggly and annoying things....mean little to me. Further, I don't think about the past anymore and can only focus on the NOW, this moment and this instant.

There is anger, there is fear. There are good days, bad days and fairly mediocre days. There are days when I all but forget that I had cancer, and days when I am reminded of it too much, like when my right breast hurts me or feels strange as it does now. Though my anger has calmed somewhat, it still exists but has changed into more of a sense of resignation in me...a sense that this is my reality and that anything could happen to me, good or bad. I could live a long life or not really, so I choose to live life one day at a time, but with one important caveat: I will share my experience with others as a way to leave a legacy and help others cope with it. That mindset - that need to help, advise and support - helps me to get through it all, no matter how scared I still am.

There are other thoughts....I realize that I am mortal and that EVERY moment in life is precious and should be valued and appreciated. Every day I get up and go to work and simply live my life is a GIFT that I treasure, even if I find myself irritated and annoyed by someone or some THING on occasion. Even with that though, I no longer think about the future, just as I no longer make any plans for it. Although my prognosis is good, I still have many fears and anxiety about all I have been through. It is something I think about every single day when I am alone, at work or with friends and family. When my husband speaks about our future and when we retire, I smile and tell him that his ideas are wonderful, but inside, I wonder if I will be alive then, wonder if I will make it through and truly be a SURVIVOR in 5 years. Though I proudly proclaim that for myself NOW, it has only been 6 months since my diagnosis. Nonetheless, and with determination and my usual willfulness, I live my life as normally as I can. I push myself to live and function as I did before this occurred, even when I am tired or depressed or scared. Sitting back and wringing my hands over all of this and what I still have to go through (a possible hysterectomy or an oophrectomy to remove my ovaries as I may not be able to take the drug Tamoxifen due to my hormone issues) will only impede my progress and set the stage for a paralyzing depression that I will NOT GIVE IN TO. Never.

I am positive and hopeful, scared but determined to win and overcome this. There was a period of time when I was angry about the cruel irony of my diagnosis. My mother died from cancer at 52 and here I was, 52 years old and facing this disease. It was a cruel joke for a woman who had thought about loss and cancer, AND, most importantly, reaching her mother's death age - for 33 years of here life. Once I got the diagnosis, I thought life was just TOO UNFAIR TO ME, and that I didn't deserve this latest episode in my life. I was angry at the Universe, at God and people who seemed to escape from anything devastating in their lives, while it seemed I was always going through something difficult to cope with. I resented this, just as I resented the fact that, once again, I would have to search for inner strength and determination to deal with this when I had no inner reserves left (or so I thought). But time heals and soothes all wounds, ultimately. I learned something: perhaps my cancer is a way for me to right the wrong of my mother's death, a way for me to show others the way, a way for me to live life valiantly and determinedly in a way my mother could not. Cancer has been a strange gift for me...a gift that has taught me the importance of living life fully, even in the face of such adversity - and always a smile on my face.

TO all, I wish you love, blessings and good health, strength, courage, and determination to face life's issues like the warriors that we are and can be if we look inside the depths of our selves and our spirits.

MWMSdaughter:

I am not an eloquent writer and so I will not attempt to be. My wish is to extend to you all the wishes for peace and health that can exist in this universe. Thank you for posting your story. It moved me more than I am able to share. When I first posted on these boards some 2 years ago you responded to me in a sincere and beautifully touching message which expressed your keenly felt obligation to lift up other sisters. Please know that we are here to lift you up too! I am in complete admiration of the way in which you have shared your experience.

All the best in love and continued healing.

Linda

Thank you for taking time to share this. I've not experienced cancer myself but both my mom & dad have and this gives me insight into how they must have felt. I'm grateful for your generosity and your desire to help others. I wish you all the best and do hope your journey gets easier.

Dear MWMSdaughter,

What a gift you've shared with us - your story, your wisdom, your caring and insight. Thank you!

thanks so much for your story! hugs to you

Hello Mwmsdaughter,

VERY WELL SAID!!!

As a breast cancer survivor, I can certainly relate to your feelings and am thankful to read your post. Exactly one year ago yesterday, I had my first chemotherapy treatment for Stage 1 breast cancer and began a journey of treatments and doctor visits that, at times, I thought would never end. Remarkably, that year flew by and I made it through fine! Today, I feel absolutely wonderful, with a newer appreciation and a better understanding of life!!!

I hope your post helps a lot of ladies and gives comfort to all those who might be facing a similar journey, or who have friends and loves ones who are there. You said everything so well and thank you so much for sharing!!

Again, thanks, and I wish you the all the very best and continued good health!

Hugs from a BC sister/survivor,

Mary Jo

Like Mwmsdaughter said,

Just wanted to thank you for writing what I think.....

I have been away from the message board for a while because of dealing with my own breast cancer diagnosis on April 4th, 2006. I have been through a lot and your words should be read by everyone here on the powersurge boards. I came here in 2005 searching out all of my peri-menopause symptoms. Then breast cancer made a visit.....I really thank this board because I was paying close attention to my body.

Anyway....thanks for taking the time to write down your sound advise.

Always,
Terry

Just wanted to thank you for writing what I think.....

I have been away from the message board for a while because of dealing with my own breast cancer diagnosis on April 4th, 2006. I have been through a lot and your words should be read by everyone here on the powersurge boards. I came here in 2005 searching out all of my peri-menopause symptoms. Then breast cancer made a visit.....I really thank this board because I was paying close attention to my body.

Anyway....thanks for taking the time to write down your sound advise.

Always,
Terry

Wow, that was an amazing post!

Thanks so much for sharing it... Anyone who has been through battling cancer will relate, and many of us who haven't, can imagine the challenge, along with the way it would change your focus forever.

Beautifully written!

(((HUGS)))

JJ

Linda, I adore you and thank you with all my heart and soul for standing there right next to me, offering up an encouraging word and extending all the love and best wishes that you have done since we met two years ago, and now. I stand with you always and send much love.

xxooxoxo,
M

Thank you so much, JJ sweetie! You are absolutely most welcome! And I am so glad that perhaps my experience can shed light on this issue to those that have not experienced it (and won't!! I hope, pray, trust...), and unite those that have.

With love, thanks and bunches of hugs to you,

M

Terry, as a fellow sister in the breast cancer world, I stand with you and support you always - in spirit, wherever you are. We have walked a difficult journey, have lived to tell the tale and, as I know you know, have learned from the experience. Like you I came to Power Surge to understand perimenopause and though I have disappeared from time to time and returned in various guises since my peri fog encouraged me to forget my identity and password, I returned to share and pass on that which I have learned, and glean from the experiences of others. This is a great board and I feel as if I am with my friends, my truest sisters....YOU are among them.

Always, with love, hugs, and a smile,
M

Mary Jo,

You are a sister in this life, a fellow traveler in the breast cancer world, a survivor and, most importantly, MY INSPIRATION. I have been going through something of an emotional roller coaster of late - despite good news and cautionary advice - and I feel just a wee bit off kilter than when I wrote this missive of sorts. But, I guess this post treatment emotional reaction is par for the course and I will get through it. After stubbornly resisting joining a group because I was JUST TOO FED UP with EVERYTHING, I am going to a meeting on October 14th to get the show on the road. I am feeling better already.

You have encouraged me with your words and I thank you more than you know, but then you DO know..

With hugs, support and unity,
M

Thank you, honey....with hugs right back atcha!

Jasminetea,

Thank you honey! I am touched by yoiur comment and moved more than I can say. All of you are a gift to me, which justifies the one I gave to all of you in those words I wrote.....we are fellow sisters in this life, forever united.


Hugs always,

M

Carol, thank you and you are most welcome! I am glad that it helped but I would have been remiss if I didn't share my experience, you know. I send you love and thanks for your words,

M

Dear Ladies
Thank you very much for sharing your stories with us.Must say I was a bit of a Mamogram hider,not much breast to talk of anyway!I finally did pluck up the courage,got tested and all clear,Thank God so from now on will do the regular testing

You are all very courageous

God Bless
Elizabeth