My family is going through a very tough time... My mother was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes about 10 years ago, and has pretty much ignored what would have to happen to manage it well. She's been on the diabetes pills (Metformin and another I'm not remembering) in those years.

In the past month, with sugars regularly in the 400's and 500's (determined only by her doctor's occasional blood testing, as she "forgets" to do her own daily testing), she was told she would have to go onto injected insulin.

This has been a MESS.

I've been taking her for instructions with a diabetic nurse, who gave her all the info, had her practice, etc. She is supposed to be doing two shots a day, just before breakfast, and just before supper. Yet still, my mother doesn't test her blood most days, and I'm not sure is even injecting the insulin very often. She's probably not doing it right on the times she does attempt an injection. I wrote her two large poster-boards of simple instructions, for both the sugars testing and injections, and the diabetic nurse saw to it my mother had the very simplest diabetic supplies to work with. I went over with my mother the techniques again and again, having her first shoot the "fake" injections into a sponge, then sitting with her while she attempting to do the real shots. All of my family members are checking in with her most days to see how she's doing, reminding her, asking if she understands, encouraging her, etc.

Throughout all of this, she is complaining constantly of having to deal with this. She ESPECIALLY resents any mention of diet, which we don't do much with her, as it's infuriated her for the 10 years since this began. We tend to make very general vague comments that we hope will be helpful, such as when she orders a Pepsi at a restaurant, and we say, "Mom, do you like diet Pepsi? Might that be better for your sugars?" Only one sister-in-law has the courage to actually say to my mother, "You should not be eating this," and my mother HATES her!

At times while on the pills, my mother would pick up a donut, wave it in the air at me, and mockingly say, "Well, my doctor wouldn't be happy about this!" And then of course, eat it... She says constantly, "I FEEL FINE, so I figure I'm okay!" I've told her several times that diabetes is called "The Silent Killer," because it works on the body over time, and that it can result in some awful stuff - blindness, amputations, kidney failure...

She has always hated exercise... once in awhile she goes for a walk up and down her street, but nothing more. She watches exercise shows on TV at times, and mocks the people doing the workouts!

I'm so fed up... My relationship with my mother has not been all that close through the years, and this isn't helping matters. I'm very dedicated to working to help her stay healthy and happy as possible, but feel like she's fighting all the way. Not fighting me, specifically, just determined to live exactly as she wants, even if it means the rest of us feel we're watching a train wreck!

We got a state nurse to come in and do an assessment, hoping that she'd help us get a home health person to come in and at least do the injections, but she came to the conclusion that my mother COULD do these things for herself... She recommended we call each day and remind her, and this is what we're doing, which just annoys my mother to no end. I live an hour away, and otherwise would probably go watch her do the shots, but she'd be very resentful about this. She is frustrated by how often I call about the diabetes as it is.

What do we do... just watch her die?

BTW, I have an older brother who is also non-compliant, for the most part. He also resents any talk of diet. He does, however, manage his testing and shots.

Part of me (and I hope you won't judge me for saying this, but it's what's in my heart) just wishes my mother would have some kind of "diabetic episode" that she survives, but would put her into the hospital, and from there, they'd determine she should be in assisted living, or something like that. As it is, she doesn't want to leave her home...

She is also showing some early signs of dementia, although this was going on well before that began... AND she passed the "Alzheimer's Test" her doctor gave her last month, with flying colors. She'd completely forgotten that I was taking her to the doctor that day, so that when I showed up she was sitting around in her old shorts and house slippers, but she remembered every single thing on the doctor's memory test!

Any advice??? Anyone else going through this?

(((HUGS)))

JJ

My mother never wanted any interaction with doctors, so it was very difficult dealing with her many medical issues the last few years of her life. One time her appendix burst and she was in extreme pain yet she had to be convinced to go to the ER. She was drinking whiskey, hoping that would ease the pain! Every doctor visit, every test was a struggle. She'd groan and moan, and I'd be waiting in the doctor's offices and she'd make disparaging comments about the way the doctors/nurses/other patients looked. I dreaded taking her.

I remember driving 100 miles round trip with my young kids in tow to visit the nutritionist while she was on dialysis. We'd sit there, I'd be taking strict notes, and when we got out of there she'd just laugh and say she had no intention of following the diet, and the nutritionist didn't know anything, and she'd just roll her eyes at what she said. Complete waste of time. She was going to eat whatever she wanted to eat, whenever she wanted it, rather than follow the nutritionist's guidelines. I think she just wanted to get out for a ride in the car.

Anyway, I really sympathize--I know what it's like dealing with someone who needs so much medical attention, yet is unwilling to take responsibility for her own health. My mother went along for many years without seeing a doctor, ignoring stuff, and I'd always tell her that we needed to get check-ups. But she refused to go, saying that doctors don't know much of anything, and once you get involved with doctors they have you going all the time, they're just making money off you, etc. You can't force an adult to go to the doctor's unless they agree, if they're lucid. Had she gone earlier to doctors she may have been able to avoid dialysis in the last few years of her life. Routine tests, such as mammograms were considered to be an invasion of her privacy. I remember one time she went to an audiologist who told her she could have surgery so she wouldn't have to wear a hearing aid--she was very angry with him for telling her that. I definitely wasn't dealing with someone I could reason with.

I really don't have any advice, since I really got nowhere with my mother, and you can bring a horse to water but you can't make them drink, I guess. We can't force our parents to do anything.

Can you tell her what a toll this is taking on you, and what a worry this is for you? Maybe she'll come around. I know my mother was pretty self-centered--didn't really think much about the time of others. Take comfort in knowing that you're trying your very best to get her good medical care and a good quality of life. You just can't do anything if the patient isn't willing to cooperate. I think some people are sort of in denial about their health problems. I know my mother kept wondering "Why me, why me?" when she was on dialysis. I think she wanted to be in denial for a long time, and maybe your mother is the same way, too.

Good luck with all this. I know how very hard it is.

Frisbee

((JJ)): I'm convinced this stuff is a generational thing. My own dear grandfather, whom I loved so much, simply refused to take his meds for high blood pressure (he didn't "believe in them." Whatever that means.) He died of a massive stroke at 79...and I miss him so much. I was angry for years because he probably could have avoided his death by simply taking a pill every morning. Ditto for his wife; she never had a mammogram, (it was unthinkable), a pap smear, and absolutely refused to inject her insulin. We lived for years on the edge of our seats, waiting for her to go blind, or fall into a diabetic coma. Miraculously, she didn't...and despite sky high blood sugars, lived to 87. She was miserable, however, and towards the end no one would even visit her.

The right to govern one's body is a fundamental, albeit sometimes selfish, one. Sadly, there isn't much you can do to force your mother to be compliant. I have a brother who is severely bi-polar who just won't take his meds. He lives what I consider to be an awful existence...periodically homeless..stints in jail...no permanent job. But it's his choice. He knows full well that if he takes lithium he will be able to function and hold down a stable everyday life. He hates the way it makes him feel...it "blunts" his creativity. And so he wanders the world half crazy...writing 300 page screen plays and going days without sleep. I learned to let go a long time ago.

If honestly feel your mother's reluctance to watch her diet and take her insulin are based on a reduced mental capacity, you could always request she be re-tested. There are usually social service agencies for the elderly who will make a more thorough assessment than one test administered in a doctor's office. They make several home visits, ask questions about diet and meals, inquire about social activities, etc.

Your frustration and sadness with this situation is common to many of the 78 million baby boomers in the US who are dealing with aged and ailing parents. I wish I had better advice for you....you and your family will be in my prayers...

Thanks for sharing your experience with your own mom, Frisbee - you're describing my mother as well.

My mother, like yours, has been so self-centered in her life, outspoken about anything that doesn't please her, railing against every single one of our neighbors when we were children... just a difficult person who wants the world to run the way SHE wants it to run.

Add to all this that one of the side effects of one of her meds, and the super-high sugars she has, is that she has fecal incontinence (terrible instantaneous diarrhea). Almost every time I take her anywhere, she has an "accident" - last week we were grocery shopping, and I noticed the terrible smell, and saw it all over the back of her pants and even her shoes... She simply said, "I should go right home after we're done here..." She wears Depends, but they don't quite do the job. I bought her a super-duper kind that's supposed to "hold more" (sorry for graphics), but she says they are not comfortable, and won't wear them.

I don't honestly think it will make a difference if I mention to her this is hard on me. My sense is that she will then tell her sisters, "Jacquie's complaining about having to help me!"

Aye-yi-yi...

How sad about your mom, Frisbee, and how hard you were trying to help, with kids in tow - and that sure as heck isn't easy, children don't understand...

You watched the train wreck, too.

Thanks again for sharing - you've made me feel a little better.

(((HUGS)))

JJ

Robin,

You've been through this, too!

Here's what's sad: hearing your story, I'm just praying that my mom is like your grandma - that she won't go blind, or have an amputation, but knowing that like your grandma, she will probably just be miserable for the rest of her life...

You are right-on about people having the right to govern their own bodies. I know that's true. How sad about your brother, and that you've had to let go, despite your loving him... It's brutal, isn't it? I'm so torn between doing the "right thing," and letting go completely, as it feels like dragging an angry child here and there...

I don't think my mom's reluctance is based on her reduced mental capacity... This refusal to deal with the diabetes has been going on since her diagnosis 10 years ago. It's in the past year that there are increasing diarrhea issues, and fatigue, confusion, etc., which is why my family became alarmed - that's when we learned she would have to go onto injected insulin.

Again, the Maine State Goold Assessment nurse gave her a lengthy checkover at her home (my brothers and I were there), and my mother downplayed all the problems, said, Oh, I eat very well, I can manage my shots, while my brothers and I shook our heads behind her... The nurse determined that my mom COULD do this if she intended to, which is true. She said, "The state can't send in help simply due to stubbornness."

And so my brothers, nieces and nephews, and I all check in on her - someone goes almost every day to visit, bring healthy foods, and urge her to keep trying with her meds. Of course, she complains about us all to the others, when we're not there...

Thanks for your prayers, Robin, and you have mine, too...

(((HUGS)))

Jacquie

JJ, my mother railed against the neighbors, too! It was always so embarrassing! I was a shy kid, and this definitely didn't help any! Maybe our mothers were separated at birth.

My MIL has the bowel issues, also. I've read as we get older we lose our sense of smell, and my husband and his sisters have had to talk about this many times with her. She really was in denial for a long time. She was in "independent living", but she had a caretaker who would follow her around to clean up "accidents". It seems like she was totally oblivious to this--she just didn't understand why she needed help. She would pass her Alzheimer's test with flying colors, too, yet she simply couldn't take her medications as instructed. Go figure.

My MIL really had to be convinced to wear the protection pants. She didn't like them, either. She refused to acknowledge that she had this problem, it seems. It was so obvious to everyone (stained clothes--urinary issues, also), yet she just didn't see it. Then others started complaining at her living facility. Now she's in a higher level of care, after having surgery for cancer, so hopefully it's managed better (we live far away).

One thing that I mention to friends who are taking their parents shopping--now some places have on-line shopping--you can order on-line and have the groceries dropped off. If you're an hour away, is there any place that will deliver? My mother resisted this, and so do the friends I mention it, too--they say it's a chance to get the parents out. But if getting out is so difficult (like with accidents), maybe it's better to have groceries delivered, if possible.

I know how hard this is. One time I saw a couple food shopping, and the husband looked like he was death warmed over--unshaven, gray looking, barely pushing the cart. They shouldn't have even been there. I still feel guilty, like I should have told the manager that these people looked really ill, and needed help. But some people just want to get out, or don't know there are services out there, or dont want the services even if they're available. It's hard to know the right thing to do when elderly people are in need.

Just do what you can, and try not to worry. I really felt responsible for my mother's help--it was like having another child. My siblings were far less involved--I think their stance was, whatever happens, happens. But it's hard to be that way, when someone has serious medical issues.

Frisbee

Mothers? I have a husband like this!!!!

Hi JJ,
I can only sympathize with you. My dh is a non-compliant diabetic. You cannot make someone do something they don't want to do. The symptoms just keep getting worse over the course of time if the diabetic does not take their meds and eat the proper diet. (((((HUGS))))) to you. All we can do is support each other the best we can.

MaryB26

Are you sure your mother isn't my mother??

My mother was extremely rebellious and resentful of being Type 2. As much as she tried to ignore it, it became the focus of the family and of her life.

But this was typical of her behaviour in general, it really wasn't about the diabetes. She wouldn't do anything to improve any kind of problem in her life. Sounds extreme, but she was really impossible and infuriating.

I feel for your responsibility and what you give to her.

My mother was just like the ones described.She had type 2 diabetes.She would go in the kitchen at night and eat a whole cherry pie.She would not exercise,complained of how she felt constantly.She ended up having a massive stroke in her fifties-she died.There are some people who will never listen.You can try all you like,they will not change.My mother hated my husband.We ended up not speaking because of lies she told,and trouble she caused.If you mentioned going on diets,or exercise she always had a reason why she just could not do that.tell your mom that my mom died because of this,if that doesn't change her mind-step back-you can't live her life,she is a grown up,don't let this take away your joy in life.GOD-bless

I went through this as well-my mother died while we were not speaking,I could not have her in my life,she was a constant stressor.I feel for anyone who goes through this because too often people act like families can do no wrong and you should just let them run over you.Not me.Have a great day and GOD-bless

JJ and you others, what a difficult thing you are dealing with!!

My SO's father had Type 2 diabetes also, and he was non compliant. His wife tried to very hard to make him eat right, she cooked for him of course....he would just go to the store on his own and eat out on the sly. She would find stashes of candy hiding around the house or the garage. He ended up dying from congestive heart failure, and near the end of his life he apologized to his wife for not listening to her and complying....fat lot of good that did then!! Funny thing though (not funny "haha") the oldest son is type 2 diabetic, overweight and already has an enlarged heart....and he also is non compliant, history will repeat itself.

I will add a happy story. Both my grandfather and my father were/are Type 2 diabetic. My grandfather passed away from cancer. My father is 67, he is in excellent physical shape, he goes to the gym, he walks most days (up a mountain!!). He is extremely compliant 95% of the time. Because of this, he can afford to occasionally treat himself to the odd dessert. And it doesn't make his sugar levels spike. He has actually changed his body chemistry and has almost cured himself. He knows if he falls back into bad habits he will go back to having uncontrolled diabetes, but by choosing a healthy lifestyle he now can live a much more normal life. And because he feels so much better, it is easy for him to maintain his healthy lifestyle.

The last coherent words my mother said to me was "you'll be sorry!" as she slammed down the phone. I was in the hospital (alone) recovering from major surgery and told her I would not listen to her bitching. She was dead 3 months later. She knew she had breast cancer and didn't tell me. She was amazingly cruel.

She taught me more about letting toxic people go than anyone else. What a tough lesson. It boiled down to who was going to survive - me or her. I don't regret letting her go in the last months of her life. She would have taken me to the grave with her if I had let her.

After she died, I started chopping several key people out of my life I couldn't deal with anymore. The bigger lesson for me was finally understanding and accepting that there really are some people in this world that are completely disconnected and capable of making another person's life awful.

In the end it's my decision about what I will tolerate and what I won't. I refuse to be powerless. All of this realization also coincided with the start of peri-meno.

I'm in tears now...

You sisters understand the sheer pain of having moms/relatives who just downright break our hearts. All of the diabetes/health stuff is hard enough, but when it comes on top of a lifetime of not having had a close relationship, of memories of cruel things our mothers said and did, it's a huge boo-boo.

Stoneberry, what you said about your mother's lesson to you being to let go of toxic people - oh, that rings true. I have beautiful relationships in my life, that I work on each day - when we find good people, they are truly to be cherished, and it feels more important to do this, the older we get. We depend on each other more. And the toxic people we must contend with, we have to be cautious, as they can affect our happiness so profoundly...

You say that your understanding of all this coincided with peri-menopause - that's so interesting, as it's true for me, too. My old diaries are so full of pain about my mom, and now I look back and wish I hadn't suffered so. It was so futile. As all of this is, and yet still, I suffer.

Wow, Floater, your dad is an awesome model for someone handling the diabetes well... He is dedicated to his own care, and that is so healthy... Sometimes I wonder if those who don't do this, have some kind of death wish?

At any rate, BRAVO to him for being so strong - that's awesome.

LadyE, so sorry you dealt with a difficult momma too. It's true, we have to be careful who we speak to, as some people just don't accept any kind of complaints we might have about our parents, like it's not "right." Yet they can hurt us so badly! I know you are right about trying not to let my mom take my joy in life, but it's soooo hard! The mother-daughter relationship is so primal.

Mary and Alice, however do you cope with having husbands who are like this?!! That would be even worse, when it's right in front of your face every day!

Frisbee, thanks for the reminder about grocery stores that deliver - we are trying to employ more of these kinds of things. We are taking my mom out for shorter times, too, in hopes of getting her back home before the next diarrhea spell, etc... It's affected our lives so much.

Thanks, Sisters, for your encouraging words. It does help so much to know that others have dealt with these big, hurting feelings!

Love,
JJ

JJ,

I'm sorry you're having to experience this and I'm glad to see that others can relate to what you're going through. I have/had people in my family with diabetes but weren't close with them to see what happenend in their lives on a day to day basis. I do, however, have a friend who is 50 and got diagnosed last year and she is non-compliant and in denial a bit. She know that can happen to her but had a food addiction and can't get on the right path. I also have Impaired Glucose Tolerance...diagnosed 2 years ago...and I did very well for awhile but I slip up and eat ice cream here or there and a bit of chocolate. Reading all this has helped me realize that I need to make some major changes.....for the most part I am very good and eat extremely healthy...but I get stressed and eveything goes out the window. So, I will get back to dedicating myself to rid all the sugar from my diet. This is a controllable disease for the most part...if we eat properly and take care of ourselves.

Hope you found comfort from all that has been shared.

Hugs,
Karen

oh, I also meant to say...I will make sure that I also watch the carbs besides the sweet stuff...it's all about carbs with diabetes.

Hugs again,
Karen

Oh dear Karen...you didn't come her to get your bottom smacked!

Yes my husband is very bad at eating sweets. I found a chocolate bar wrapper in a bedroom wastebin yesterday. He can eat a bar in one session. He takes loads of tablets for a heart condition and type 2. He has lost weight recently by drinking water (he says) but doesn't alter his diet. He has a machine but doesn't check his blood and yes I nag and nag about him going to see his doctor.

My SIL has an aunt (diabetes type 2) who ate properly, lost weight and still ended up losing her leg from above the knee.

We all have naughty times... if you could see me you'd see I'd been naughty a lot , but no-one can "do it" for them, but themselves.

I wanted to add, that with most of the people I have actively let go, I have tried to remember them for the value they brought to my life even when things turned out badly and couldn't be resolved. But you know, I'm not sure if the problem was all with them. I think as I go through changes, the attractions and matches don't add up after awhile. The conflict becomes mutual and one person has to do the ending which never feels good. I never thought I would become "The Ender." I thought I always hung in there beyond reason.

I just wanted to add that diabetes can be deadly even when a person is compliant.

My Mother took her medicine faithfully, ate well, got exercise etc. and still had to have a foot amputated because of type 2 diabetes.

Three years after that, she had to have a toe on the remaining foot amputated. While at the hospital, she got one of those mystery staph-type infections. She died fighting it.

Both my parents died from complications from Diabetes. My Mom did take her insulin but complained every step of the way. The last two years of her life, she thought her Dr's were trying to kill her with all the meds she took. My Dad lived to be 84 but Diabetes really took it's toll on him also. They just did not like being told what to do, even if it meant their health. I too, think it was a generational thing.

Don't take on the responsibility of someone elses health if they won't even meet you half-way. It'll drive you nuts.

Yes, you aren't alone. I know 3 people who are diabetic and neither of them watch their diet closely. From my understanding, the craving for carbs is part of the disease. My DH, who has diabetes, a mechanical heart, a triple by-pass and now arrhythmias still continues to smoke. His valve and by-pass were done about 9 years ago. As much as he tries he can't seem to do it. He's tried drugs, gums, hypnosis, classes.... I quit 11 years ago because he asked me to. He said it was the only way he could quit so I quit... I didn't have any struggles at all so it's been hard for me to understand why he can't quit.. his doctor finally told me that the stress of trying to quit was worse on him than the cigarettes..... he still tries to quit but he still smokes.. Sometimes things are so much more complex than we can see on the surface.

This sounds easy and I'm sure it's not but... could you consider that there is a 1 to 1 chance that your mother is going to die, that life itself is a fatal disease... then release yourself from the responsibility to prevent it and just enjoy the time she has left? Another thought is .... could she be doing this for the attention?

Try not to worry......

Carol, I'm going to print this out... My mom has lived for 79 years, and I'd say she has enjoyed her life, overall. Thanks for the reminder that "life is terminal." That helps... I'm going to visit her sometime his Labor Day weekend, and will focus on just trying to do something enjoyable with her.

I want to thank the Sisters who said that they had family members who were compliant, and still had very, very serious complications with diabetes. I tend to think it's a matter of people not taking good care of themselves, but that's obviously not the case. It must have been devastating to your loved ones, to try so hard to be well, and still have these things happen. So sad...

Texasgirl, it may be a generational thing with my mum, too. That's a good point.

K2sad, how horrible for your mom.

Stoneberry, thanks for the reminder to keep in mind the value that others, even when they disappoint us, have had in our lives. I have to remember this more... my mom is very funny, a good story-teller. She has worked hard, and never had a lot of money. There is a lot of "good" about her.

Karen, so sorry if you took this in any way as a criticism, for you are the biggest Sweetie! If it helps you stay more healthy, then guess that's a good thing. You're a special lady, and I hope you come back to Maine every summer for a long, long time! We have to know each other as very old ladies!

Alice, so sorry about your hub. Has he ever tried the diabetic sweets? My mum doesn't like them a single bit, but my husband's aunt has coped better with her diabetes, by allowing herself some of these things at times.

I know this isn't easy, and given my own weight gain since peri, do understand how hard it is with diet. Guess the hardest part to fathom, is not using the meds...

(((BIG HUGS))) and thanks again so much for your words of wisdom.

JJ