Here we go again. Another topic about how nutzoid perimenopause makes me feel. Ok, here's the situation. I actually have been a very introverted, inward person all my life. Having a calm strong outward focus can be hard for me at times as I tend to draw inward and close off during stress. I had to learn to deal with agorophobia and panic attacks when in my twenties. Then dealt with a life threatening bout of graves disease. Now I have come more out of my shell with age but still live a relatively lonely life. I find it hard to make friends and keep them. Hard to remain in activities and hard to remain in the house all the time. I feel torn between wanting to do something valuable and purposeful with my life and yet not taking big or bad risks to do so. I dread failure as I have felt such a failure most of my life.

Stop there. Now lets fast fwd to now. I am 48 now. I have dealt with mega periods and anemia for ten years, never go off iron really. Can't take it every day or twice a day like the Drs want as it makes me SICK. So my blood levels stay normal but my ferritin is subnormal. I take thyroid medication every day of my life, which I personally regulate the dose and do a much better job than any dr or endo ever did. For the past two years my periods have gone heavy and then lighter and then heavier and lighter, just like that and keep on going. They started coming a week earlier and then now just went back to a week later. That's nothing of significance. The periods themselves come on massive but slow down quick, within like three days the major bleeding is done and then some light bleeding for two days. The first day can be so awful between cramping, legs aching, hips hurting, major brain fog and stomach pain from the massive prostoglandins surge that I sometimes chair sit those days. I take ibuprofen at the beginning of the period to slow it down and reduce the sheer pain and that works if taken early and for a couple days... but it lengthens the period so I have more heavy days longer. Plus, its hard on the gut. So which is worse killer period onslaught or longer heavier period? Take a choice.

Now, even that, which I thought was just the worst thing that could happen in my life is nothing compard to the emotional symptoms. Last winter I found myself dealing with anxiety a week before the period, all through it and for days afterwards. This anxiety, which I chose to just work harder and harder to defeat the symptoms of by ignoring it completely turned into depression. I dunno how that happensed as I am very depression resistant but then I found myself stopping in the middle of my projects and crying all the time. Crying over song lyrics, radio talk shows, tv commercials, thoughts of the past and people and my children grown and gone. These crying jags turned into a monthlong spectacle that merely lessened after the periods. I realized I was depressed when other people noticed it and began immediatley taking my xanax to combat the low serotonin. Life did not even feel worth living at that point. It was just so repetitiously sad. It took about a week of that and amino acids to begin to bring me back out of it.

Ok, got through that. Got out of the house and began doing nursing home visits and bible studies. That helped. Now summer arrived, my favorite time of year and I found the anxiety beginning ten days before periods start and running a week afterwards. Now, I mean anxiety to the point of stomach cramping, acid leading to ulcers, shaking hands, irrational thoughts that would grip and terrify, unable to rest at anytime except to totally crash at night, only to wake up too much and too early. I would try to defeat this anxiety by working harder and ignoring the dreadful and terrifying, irrational thoughts. I woudl try to rationalize my way out of the irrational by telling myself how stupid it all was and harmless. Then when this hormone washout period ends I return to my almost normal self for a few days and wonder who the heck that ricidulous woman was living in my body? I have a few blessed days of feeling normal each month, of being able to rest, to focus on projects and actually get work done and have normal mental function. The emotions are not stuck in sad, hopeless mode but I actually look fwd to living in those few days.

This is just SO BEYOND wierd to me. I used to have a day or two with periods that I felt crabby and mind fogged in. Now I feel like someone else, some wierd, inside out, totally vulnerable nutzoid for half of each month. I'd feel sorry for myself only I have to live in here with me. This last period I became fixated with my breathing and kept trying to control it leading to hyperventilation and stomach pain. I felt like I was not getting enough oxygen. Yet I could sleep and breathe fine at night and when totally focused otherwise. This is the thing, I feel like my focus is taken from calm, rational outward meandering to stuck inward on something I cannot see or grasp. Some horrible painful tragedy that I cannot escape from on the inside. Its like the hormone loss is causing my brain to malfunction and creating this impossible inward focus that gets fixated on negativity leading to anxiety and panic, sticky irrational thoughts you could break your head trying to lose before you get rid of them. I HAVE TO TAKE XANAX during ALL of these days or I cannot function or rest AT ALL. Even with the xanax, which can make me groggy, I feel an underlying tremor surging underneath of what is happening. ONLY I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. I worry if I will end up on xanax the rest of my life just to survive.

WHAT IN HECK IS THIS? Has anyone out there dealt with it before? How do you escape this radical inward negative focus and sticky irrational thinking? I feel literally, like a turtle during this half of each month now. Only my head is stuck inside of some nightmare where I cannot find it myself. Then I wonder if this is what my life will be like when the periods end? NO WAY. I could not endure a life like that. Nobody could.

I have to mention that I take my thyroid WITH FOOD. I have to because I am a fast converter. If I don't, it goes in like adrenaline and I get heart palpitations and chest pain not to mention awful stomach acid. During my periods, not only do I have to take it with food, I have to take zantac FIRST to slow the digestion down even further. This is the first symptom I am going to enter the nutzoid period stage. It happens four to five days pre period and lasts through the period so I have to take the stomach meds before the thyroid meds. If I told a Dr I did that, they would go ballistic. But the stomach pain and anxiety go off the roof if I don't and leave me a shaking, quaking, stomach cramping mess. DOES THIS NIGHTMARE EVER END AND WILL I REALLY BE MY NORMAL SELF THAT I RECALL ONLY A COUPLE SHORT YEARS AGO AS HAVING SOME CONFIDENCE AND BEING HAPPY, FAITHFUL AND APPRECIATIVE OF THIS LIFE....IS SHE REALLY GOING TO RETURN? I WANT TO KNOW FROM WOMEN WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED THIS NIGHTMARE AND FOUND THEIR REAL SELVES AND LIVES AGAIN.

Before I started low dose birth control pills I dealt with the exact same thing.I had a constant strange feeling in my stomach,almost like a constant apprehension.It got to the point where I felt paranoid.I even thought my dear hubby was cheating on me during one of these periods.I completely understand and hope you find a way to deal with this.Prayer has helped me.The low dose bcp have helped as has taking walks.The xanax helped me as well.Thankfully I hardly ever need it now.take care of yourself and remember you are not alone--GOD-bless

Hi frozentundra,
I can relate to alot of what you just described....you have a wonder way with word by the way!
I just want to say you are not alone in this.....I and many others have and do get the same feelings.....
Have you had your hormones tested? I use prog and test from a compound pharmacy. The pharmicist works close with me constanly tweaking my dosage depending on how I'm feeling. This has been a long journey for me that I am still on....I was doing really great then just last month crashed so now I'm slowly working on getting stronger. The anxiety/panic attacks are my worst symptom....I just started taking xanax when needed. There are days I too just want to put the covers over my head and cry because I can't stand this anymore.....but I remember each day is new....and try and take it one day at a time. Stress is a huge factor for me....I can't seem to handle any (and I have 4 teenagers!!!!) I know that if I'm under alot of stress my symptoms will be worse and I try to tell myself "this is just my bodies way of reacting to the stress....it will pass". School is starting this week so I know to take it easy....make sure I don't eat to much sugar or caffeine....exercise....take care of myself because I will be under more stress.
You might want to try seeing if there is a compound pharmacy in your area and ask them if they can refer you to some doctors in the area that are open to hormone therapy....
Keep coming to this forum...the women here are the greatest. It's so comforting to know you are not alone.

Oars

Dear Frozentundra, You basically just wrote my biography for the last 2 years. The only thing I don't have is the Graves Disease, my brother does however. I have had problems with my thyroid though. I have barretts disease which can be a precurser to esophogeal cancer. I have colitis. I tried xanax and it helped for a short while. I just couldn't deal with the sleepiness. I too started with anxiety right before my periods. Then it just kept expanding out. Then it turned really ugly with all of the twisted thoughts in my head and before I knew it I had spiraled out of control. I was great at pretending I was fine but inside my head was anything but fine. Then came the hopeless feelings, that I was somehow broken or something was really wrong and I was going to go insane and never see my kids. I prayed and prayed. That is when I found Power surge. I started reading all of the post's. They were so similar to what I was experiencing that it gave me somewhat of a hopeful feeling. The I couldn't bear it anymore. I had to try anti depressants. I finally found that 15-20mgs of prozac brought me back to feeling normal and functioning again. I was even smiling more. I had hope. Most of the strange symptoms started to alleviate themselves. My period however is a different story. I get very sick and now I have found out that my ferriton levels are abnormally low. I started on iron but they make me feel sick and weird. Today my doctor gave me a different iron formula called Ferralet 90. It is supposed to be easier to digest and gentler on the stomache. I would love to exchange phone numbers with you. I am also a christian and prayer has been very important in keeping my head straight. Joyce Meyers wrote a book called "Battlefield of the Mind" it is an excellent tool for the mind and taking these crazy thoughts captive. I am also 48. I will pray for you and I can certainly tell you that this is for a season. This too shall pass. You are not alone.............Debra

Well... there's good news, and bad news The good new is YES!! The nightmare ends, and you will be happy again!! The bad news is ... it take's a LONG time!! Hang in there! Sending big hugs your way!!!!!

Could it be that what is causing my anxiey. I went through a couple of months were I felt normal. Then I had my 40th b-day on Sat and now I am having major anxiety attacks all day and night long. I am on my period a well so now I realize that it could be a hormonal thing happening as well. I think that 40 could be a long year for me. My late ex husband died form a heart attack when he was 40 so now every pain I have makes me think that it's going to happen to me. Crazy huh? Logically I know that I am in reasonably good health, but sometimes my imagination runs away with me and go with it. Gotta try and stop that.

Talk about Anxiety...I have not had them for over 15yrs now and all of a sudden they are back in my life. Doctor has me on Xanax and it helps me when I get an attack had blood tests done and they tell me my thyroid and hormones came back normal....Come on who are they kidding?? I have a IUD put in me to stop my heavy bleeding which I am very thankful for as that was a very big problem I had for a very long time. Found out I had one large fibroid and that this will help shrink it instead of me having surgery I opted to have the IUD put in me. Now the OBGYN gave me Affexor to go and get filled to take for my anxiety and she says it will help with mood swing, anxiety and hot flashes....Does anyone know about this drug?? If so please let me know as I am going to be 46 in Dec and I am sick of having anxiety attacks already....I just want my life back,

Liz

I am with you on the haven't had panic attacks in like fifteen years. I think I had them in puberty only didn't know what it was. Used to get the shakes so bad I couldn't stop. Haven't had the shakes in like eight years or more and flat out panic attacks in 15. This menopause is really a nightmare come true. Add to that I cannot take any hormones now. Doesn't matter what. They tried to put me on lo dose birth control like ten years ago when the megaperiods started...raised my blood pressure and dropped my thyroid level. Then I went on natural progesterone cream for like eight years. That was great. Last ten days of each month. I loved it. Evened everything out. I was taking soy shakes every day for the five years before that until they said it was masking my TSH. Ok, now if I put on like one dab of progesterone I get bleeding and one day last week...hey, my brain felt better. Kool. So two days later when I felt like my insides were screaming for help I tried it again. This time it increased my anxiety and I got a mega headache from it.

There is no figuring this thing out. I feel so insecure all the time is actually painful. Painful. Like, it HURTS. I never feel secure for more than a few hours or part of one day if I totally keep my mind so busy I literally cannot think. The isoflavones help for like two days. Amino acids help for like two or three days then the effect is gone. I HATE FEELING THIS WAY. IN FACT I am beginning to hate FEELING. I'd like to be emotionally numb at times. I'd like to empty my head and bring some peace back into my life. All my thoughts want to run to insecurity, the way I feel, the emotions. the negative. Trying to focus on ANYTHING is a major effort but I struggle to do that EVERY DAY. My favorite time is at night so I can SLEEP. But even in my sleep I have dreams about fears and insecurities.

If only ignoring it would make it GO AWAY. The only relief I feel is when night time comes, my metabolism drops, I get tired, shut the world out and it ALL GOES AWAY for a few short hours. I wake up early and wish I was still sleeping. Instead of being excited about the new day, I dread fighting the anxiety that day will bring. So I have to take the xanax when the pain and struggle are so bad I cannot stand them. I get physical pain in my body from the tight nerves in my arms, legs and stomach. I feel like a squished up accordian. Thank God my husband usually gives me a rub while I lean against him as he watches tv at night. Then I can focus on something PLEASANT for a change.

It's like my stomach does not want to work right lately. My anxiety has been off the charts into a new chart they haven't created yet. When the nurse says, what is your pain level, pick a number from one to ten, ten being highest. I pick a million. Is there a million on that chart somewhere? I have to take zantac to handle the xanax, which upsets my stomach. Sometimes I am so angry about all this, that I just cuss. I cuss inside my own head. Then I feel ashamed and guilty. I feel trapped in a body riddled with hormone imbalances it does not know what to do with. I want to come out of this body and have a break from it. That's how I honestly feel at times.

And the doctors just keep handing me prozac like candy. Take this. Take that. If only ALL OF THEM had to go through this hormone hell. Oh yes, the hormone protocol would surely change. I bet alot of them take stuff we don't even have access to. If the prozac does not work they have a whole slew of designer anti depressants. They even have antidepressants for antidepressants. The side effects are always minimal. Death, dismemberment, deeper depression. What have you got to lose? I was taking estroven which did help but it started increasing my already too heavy periods.

Now the wierd thing is, my periods are technically getting shorter. They have been for a few months. Sometimes they are a week early or a week late but shorter. My ferritin is finally coming up from zilch. My thyroid dropped a bit because I was cutting it back during periods because it keeps going in like adrenaline. It takes the other two hormones to keep thyroid in proper balance. Thats why so many women go into menopause and their thyroid suddenly drops. The thing keeping it in check was the estrogen. So the Drs slap them on thyroid, too. The thing is, with some quality thyroid supplements like selenium and iodized salt they could probably get it back up on their own instead of going on lifetime thyroid replacement, which in reality, will cause the TSH to tell the brain to quit making your own thyroid.

Which brings me to SSRI's. I know alot of people love and survive on them. I have just one teensy problem with SSRI, that is the fact they tell the brain (which brain is debatable, the one in your head or the one in your stomach) to stop making serotonin. The job of the SSRI is to keep serotonin recirculating in the brain. The problem with that is that all chemicals eventually break down and become less effective, which is probably why your body keeps MAKING THEM in the first place, so it takes more and MORE SSRI to do the same job. Then, when you go off them...which the warnings insist you never do quickly and for good reason, they can cause a sudden serotonin drop. The person can CRASH.

The way xanax works is by opening the fight and flight adrenaline closed serotonion receptor sites in the brain so serotonin can enter. I asked a very old nurse in the emergency last year why the pharmacy brain washed DRS all say that xanax and the valium class drugs are DIRTY. She laughed and said, "Because they work." She said that if a drug works they don't want you on it. IT just means they cannot put you on more drugs and get more money for money hungry pharma. Xanax has very minimal side effects unless you have an addictive personality type, then you may find you like the relaxed sleepy feeling so much you NEVER want to go off. The average person, however, does NOT like the drugged feeling and cannot WAIT to get off drugs.

I WANT TO BE THE FINALLY CALM SELF CONFIDENT ALMOST NORMAL REALLY LIKEABLE ABLE TO RELAX PERSON I WAS JUST PRIOR TO THIS WHOLE PAST TWO YEARS OF APPARENT PERSONAL DISINTEGRATION. GOD HELP US ALL IN MENOPAUSE AND GOD SAVE US ALL FROM IT. AMEN