I dont know how to begin this so I will just type.

My hubby has not been interested in sex with me. We have been married a little over 20 years and have not slept together in 4 years. I know he is completely interested in sex because of the magazines, dvds, and websites that I find. Pornography disgusts me and always has especially the stuff I have seen in his books. OMG! He loves it.

In the past, I was not too bothered by that stuff as long as I did not have to see it or have it in the house. Besides our sexlife was active and I thought normal. But lately all of this stuff is bothering me something awful. It is etremely hurtful to think that he is looking and watching this stuff all the time but will not even think about approaching me in that manner. Now I will admit that my interest in sex is limited these days but it is not nonexistent. He tells me that he is not interested in it at all. Well why is he spending all this money on it. Is he trying to prove that he is not interested to himself. I mean really.

I am posting about this today because I came across his "stash" of mags and dvds yesterday. I thought I would faint. Not only was it yuck but I could only think about how many hundreds of dollars was laying there.

I am asking myself if I have changed so much that I am no longer desirable. Does this mean he wants a much younger woman like the mags show? What should I do? Crying has not brought me any answers nor has it helped but I do it anyway. I feel lost about this.

stitchnanny, I'm so sorry your husband is not interested! That is so sad. I think it really has nothing to do with you. Someone else posted about a similar situation recently. Porn can be addicting, and it is rarely about sex. It is more about escapism, or self-nurturing (in an unhealthy way). He is not looking at that stuff because you are lacking in any way. The unfortunate thing is that it's possible that the more he looks at that stuff, and if it is deviant, then the less interested he will be in "normal" sex.

If it has been 4 years since you've been together, I think it is a pretty significant issue in your marriage. Would your husband be willing to go to marriage counseling? I think it's something you should consider, as I don't know how things will just turn around on their own without some outside help. If your husband isn't willing, maybe you could see a counselor yourself and get some advice about how to deal with your husband lacking interest.

(((HUGS))) to you!

I think Greenie gave great advise! I am guessing too that is perhaps something else, not you in particular, that is bothering him and he is "escaping" with porn. Men DO seem to go through crisis like a menopause, I have observed.

But I also think that it is true they, too, want to feel desired and wanted as well. Counseling can perhaps help you both strengthen that loving relationship, and I think that will help to make both of you desire each other....even if it is not intercourse, touching and holding and loving in that way can also be satisfying.

Here is a little idea: make a reservation at his favorite restaurant, grab a photo album of some very happy years together, reminisce, and with all that good feelings floating around, then approach the counseling subject....don't attack him or confront him on the porno just yet.......just a thought....Joan

I remember a story like this from another board, and the husband was actually going through treatment because of his porn addiction. I don't think it is you at all, this is a problem within his self. The above suggestions are good ones, seek out some counseling, work on some time together as the old saying goes it takes two.

Thank you all for you replies. I actually had not thought about counseling and him in the same sentence before. You may be onto something. I have to think about it. I just know I hurt and not sure what to do. I go see my therapist on Wednesday, I guess I will have to ask her but it is kind of embarassing in a way.

Well just because you watch something doesn't mean you want to actually do it -- otherwise we'd have a lot more men out playing football in the park rather than sitting on their couches with their eyes glued to ESPN. I think your husband's behavior, Stitch, is problematic because it's hurtful to you, but I don't think it means he's deviant or doing something negative. I guess the real issue would be why he's not interested in the real thing. Are you sure he might not have a physical issue that he is embarrassed to talk about -- like ED. Counseling is always touted as the panacea for everything, but it seems to me what you need is a frank discussion in which he opens up and explains his behavior. It could be just a conversation between the two of you, but it will be hard to get him to talk. Perhaps you could talk about one of his magazines in a non judgmental manner --- you know, kinda gaze at the pictures, furrow your brow, turn it different directions, and finally ask in a joking kinda way what he finds so compelling about it. This could maybe lead to a more serious discussion of what is going on with him. If you act like you are horrified by the contents of the material, he'll just clam up, so put on your poker face and pretend you're going for an Oscar. Of course, you might have tried this before, in which case ... I don't know.

stitchnanny: Your story hits a very sore spot in my past. My first husband had no desire to have sex with me at all. He never initiated any sort of sexual intimacy...and I mean never, not once in fifteen years. I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to figure out why...I knew he had a sex drive because like you, I found 'evidence' that he was taking matters into his own hands (ahem.) but when it came to me, there was nothing. I lost weight, gained weight, cut my hair short, dyed it blonde, then black, then brown, than back to blonde. I made romantic dinners and bought lingerie. Nothing. After a LOT of therapy (on MY part, he refused to discuss the matter...citing he simply "had a low sex drive" and that I was being "intrusive and invading his privacy.") I came to accept the fact that he had a problem. It wasn't me, it was him.

Let me state that again: This is NOT your problem it is HIS. There is something fundamentally wrong with a man who has no desire to sleep with his wife but will look at pornography. Could be abuse in his past...could be low self esteem, heck, could be any number of things, but it is not YOU. You have 20 years of history with this man, and I have no idea what the rest of your relationship is like, so it is hard for me to give you advice....I can only tell you that for me, I had to leave. It was the single biggest thing I ever did in my life for MYSELF. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when I finally walked away from this relationship---it was excrutiating because he was and is a good man and I loved him (still do, as a matter of fact). But he was so damaged and so unwilling to examine this area of our life, and...well, I was young still...in my thirties....I wanted to have a total marriage. I married him at the tenger age of 20 and he was my whole world. I lived and died by what he thought, said, and did, so when he rejected me I was crushed.

Guess what? He remarried and from what I can see, has not changed. He and his new wife sleep in separate bedrooms and from what I can gather, they have no sex life whatsoever.

I heard a psychiatrist once say that when sex is a problem, it is enormous. When things are okay, it's no big deal. For me, it was more than just sexual. He wouldn't let me "in" to his private thoughts, desires, or behaviors. He withheld a critical part of himself, and in doing so, he blunted the growth of our marriage. We could onlly get so close.

It is an intensely private matter, and I can just imagine how painful this is for you to discuss. If you have never been in a position where your husband doesn't want you, you cannot imagine how crippling it is to your self esteem as a woman. You have my deepest empathy. I urge you to seek counseling, if not for both of you (and I would be surprised if he is willing to openly discuss this with a third party, but I hope I'm wrong.) then for you.

Best of luck...be gentle with yourself. You ARE desirable, and attractive, and worthy of attention.

-R.

I'm no psychiatrist, but I think RR is right on the mark here.

He is using pornography as an escape from some problems he won't deal with. Could be physical, like ED, could be mental issues, but either way, he chooses to keep them secret. People with addictions always try to hide them, but eventually, they fall into the trap of escape more and more, because it is the only place that feels good to them. Gambling, porn, alcohol, smoking, drugs, food, risk taking all are addictions that take control of people's lives in the same way. A junkie is a junkie, and there is always something troubling them before they turn to their addiction for comfort and escape.

So, it is NOT you. He is the one with a problem, and until he can agree to come to terms with whatever his problem is, it's going to be a rough road for both of you. I wish you both the best of luck, that you may have the strength and determination to resolve this together, and the wisdom to decide what is best for YOU, if he refuses.

Are you sure he does not have some physical problem that keeps him from being intimate with you. Could he be having erectile dysfunction and just not able to share his problem with you? I know men can climax without being completely erect, so is it possible that he just uses porn to get him thru when the bigger problem is physical? Just a thought. . .

Shakin'