Thanks for being such a terrific group of supporters.
I have posted a few therapy posts the past few days. It is so interesting to hear all of your stories and take it all in.
One thing cancer and menopause does is humble a person....my concept of grief and the utter panic of feeling unrecognizeable (spell?) is something I relate to. One post mentioned how their daughter is 25 and in my same boat with no children, no husband.....and buckets of anger she is carrying around. I am so sorry to hear that she has had to endure the loss of her fertility as well as her health. She has suffered a great loss. I am sorry she is feeling so angry. It is hard to defuse the anger when it has taken so much away from her.
It stinks and it is hard to explain to others that "I am genetically not a super B-tch, I just need a few hormones to balance out my poopy mood. I have started bioidentical hormones and it seems to be helping already--could be the placebo effect.
It is a different kind of lonely even with a support system such as kids/husband (of course I thank God every day that I squeaked out my children before Mr. C. knocked on my door with crappy cells). It is just lonely when you are not hormonally balanced because you don't recognize who you have become. People expect the old you to resurface. It is scary and almost as if you are looking for a lost treasure. The person you took for granted is missing (M.I.A.) and you keep trying to appear positive and optimistic and thankful and glad for the "good" blessings in your life. Because the thinking part of your brain knows you truly are blessed (we all are just to be alive), but the emotional part of you that says "all is well" or "you can handle those curve balls" just isn't dependable anymore. It seems desirable to run over live animals (I don't actually do this), but I get so angry and frustrated that I am so forgetful and that my body is pooping out.
We live our lives knowing menopause is coming eventually and it isn't life or death when it hits. I just wasn't banking on it coming so fast and so hard. And all the therapists I go to can't fatham it coming on so quickly. It is supposed to happen over time and not so early.
My final thought for tonight---universallly, pain is pain, loss is loss. It doesn't matter if it is a 3 on a scale of 1-10. If someone is hurting and passing through the stages of grief---it is suffering and it is hard. And yes, we do grow stronger and more compassionate for others. We take away lessons from our strife. It is part of living, but it is lonely when we miss ourselves. We can't compare it to anything else we have experienced. Thank you for your supportive posts the past few days. I have been up since 5 a.m. and I don't feel I am making sense.
