Lately, not sure if it's menopause or not, my husband and I don't see eye to eye. He's been spending a lot more time at the golf course. His temperment is very short and he seems depressed. We have a teenager that is a handful, so I attribute a lot of the stress to that. I'm not always easy to deal with either but in the past we've always found a way to get along. Overall, we still do.

But----this morning I was in a mood to chat for a few minutes when he got up. Nothing big, nothing serious, just daily chat type stuff. He was in a hurry to go up to his computer with his coffee. Maybe 15 min. later I went up to get something and walked by the computer and I found him viewing porn. I'm not against porn but it took me back a bit. I think it's because he couldn't take the time to talk with me this morning and he rushed off to view naked women.

I have to say I feel very weird about this. I'm not sure what to do. I feel alone and sad.

What to do?????

Tela, so sorry to hear about the difficulties with your husband! You should feel weird about the porn. It's like he's cheating . . . instead of talking to you or making love to you, he is looking at other women. (Plus, it can become an addiction, not to mention that it is demeaning to women.) If you can, and if he is willing, sit down and talk to him about how you feel about his behavior, and about his apparent need to escape via the computer and the golf course. Maybe he'll be able to tell you what is stressing him or bothering him? Marriage counseling might be very helpful to the both of you, again if he is willing. It can really make a difference to learn communication skills, and to have an objective third party to give you both feedback and advice. I wish you the best!

I'm sorry. It does sound like you are seeing danger signs and while I know my views aren't popular I think marriage is one of those relationships that require constant attention. It's not an area that we can be complacent about.

Stormie Ormartian has a book out "The Power of the Praying wife". In her book she has several different prayers but the line that struck me most was the line that said "Lord, give my husband a new wife and let it be me." Her point and her prayer was for God to soften her heart to love her husband the way he needed to be loved. So often as wives (husbands make the same mistakes too) we love as we want to be loved, or as we think they should want to be loved while never meeting the core need they have to feel loved. It's like I know my husband would love for me to give him a foot massage and soak yet instead .. I fix him a snack. It feeds my need to feel as though I'm being a good wife but it isn't loving him.

I'd also suggest that while we may lose or lack sexual desire during this time of peri, we can't very well expect them to do without until we find it. Again.. this is unpopular but I don't see how we can say no for any length of time and then also expect them to do without. Not that it makes such behavior (porn or infidelity) correct or even justified but as a Christian I'm reminded of the scripture "Woe to the man (or woman) who causes another to sin.". I think if we are constantly avoiding them or turning them down then we are setting them up for temptations.

I think talk is good but I think if you were to shower him with love then that would speak louder.

Blessings,

I think that men are easier to please than we are. To men, sex equals love. To women love equals sex. I don't mean to demean men, but I find that my husband is much happier and easier to deal with if he remains sexually satisfied, by me, of course. There are just so many times a man can hear "NO" before he begins to get angry and resentful inside. I don't mean you must do something if you're feeling sick, but if too long a time goes by without some intimacy, a man will get grumpy, and will refuse your attempts at intimacy, even if that intimacy is a conversation with you. "Honey let's talk" are the three words men really don't want to hear, but if they are in a good mood (ie, they've had sex with you) he will be much more willing to listen.

Even though we are going through peri and meno hell, a marriage still needs work. A marriage can never be "all about me" all the time. If we want attention from our husbands, then we must give attention to them. If a man is hungry, and there's nothing to eat at home, he's going to go elsewhere, before he starves. Men's sexual urges are like our feelings of hunger. They are strong and they are urgent.

i think Armadillo is 100% correct on this.. we have to give to receive.. personally, i'm quite happy with this concept.

If I am nothing more to my husband than a deli , then I say go eat somewhere else. A marriage is not all about HIM, either, and I'm willing to bet that we've given a heck of a lot more in our marriages over the years than our men have (as in: go to work, have the main care of the children, try to keep looking good, and STILL come home and do the brunt of the housework, be "up" for sex.... and then remember to buy birthday presents for their mothers!

Nope, I don't buy this stuff. I refuse to have sex for fear of losing my husband. If I choose to be intimate, it's because there is a special bond there, the mood is right, etc. I won't give myself away any more - too many years of that nonsense. The guy has to work at it, too.

I'm weary of uncommunicative men, and women afraid to lose them. We've made it so, so easy for the guys. If someone's going to leave me over this issue, well, we chicks can rent places together and start new lives! Sheesh.

Sorry, but my 2 cents!

JJ

So, in other words, if our husbands have sex with other women, WE ARE TO BLAME???

That's absurd, and if we're going to quote the Bible, let's start with the 4th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit adultery. That goes for MEN, too.

If my husband has testicular cancer, and "can't" have sex for awhile, using your reasoning, would this mean he was "setting me up for temptation?"

Our husbands took the same marriage vows we did: "In sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer." If the sufferings of menopause don't count for sickness, then I just give up, truly.


JJ

It's the 5th Commandment, but you get my point.

Why can't we just tell the simple truth?

You know, I really wanted to have a little time with you this morning, and felt hurt when you just went to the computer so quickly. To come over and see that you're viewing pornography, hurts even more. Can we talk about this?

Why is this so hard? It's not good when people must be so cautious and tip-toeing about their feelings in marriages.

For many years, I was afraid to be "myself" with much of anyone. A good bout of major depression a few years ago, followed by some very intensive counseling, has helped me to realize that I am not here to "serve" the world, but am also a precious human being whose voice is important. I now am very clear with my husband, and it's definitely changed our marriage, and yet he seems to love me more than ever (and definitely is more respectful).

And it's easier to love HIM, when I can state my truth. There's no need to rage, or cry, or feel alone, when we can simply share what's on our minds. Why is this so frightening? What are we afraid of losing?

As you can see, this topic has gotten my attention.

Love you all,
JJ

I totally agree with you!!

I also don't really understand why it seems ok from men to be on their computers watching porn. If a married couple wants to view porn together that is fine but I have to say if I found my husband watching porn all by himself I wouldn't be happy. At least in my marriage there has been times that my husband hasn't been all that intersted in sex but that doesn't give me permission to go looking for it somewhere else (computer porn or real life) and when the tables turn and he is the one interested and I'm not that doesn't mean he now has the right to go watch porn or have an affair.

Porn isn't about sex. It's about escapism, or self-nurture, or the chemical hit the brain gets from viewing it, etc. It is not a healthy outlet for sexual urges. A person can think about their spouse if they feel urges. They don't need to think about other men/women. And it is not a woman's fault if a man views porn.

Just my .02.

JJ. I loved what you said in each of your posts. As always, you put into words what I was feeling but not sure how to say. I think as women we went into marriages feeling like we had to be a certain way in order to be loved. God forbd that we be ourselves and ask for our needs to be met and I don't mean sexual needs. I'm talking about the intimacy between two people that is much deeper than just mearly satisfying their "secual" needs. I think the reason that many marriages break up during this menopause time is not just because the kids have left home and their is the empty nest syndrome. It is because we begin at this time in our lives to really evaluate who we are, what we stand for and ask ourselves if we are really loved and do we feel safe enough with this person we have chosen to share our lives with to bear our soul and allow them to really see us. And perhaps we begin to really see them for who they are and not this image of what we thought "marriage" was all about.

We learn to love ourselves and realize our true value and for many, they refuse to believe they are nothing without a man in their lives. There girlfriends become so important and they begin to look at life so differently. Suddently life is rushing by and we refuse to keep the blinders on any longer out of fear. Life changes at this time and couples either grow together or they simply grow apart and move on. It really is not about sex. It is about feeling safe, loved and accepted for who we are.

Gramz

EXACTLY, Gramz, and beautifully put, too!

I guess I'm crazier than my shrink tells me I am. Because for me, it IS all about the sex. I'm really a bad, dark woman inside, with a defective mind and a tortured soul. If I let people, including my husband and children see me for who I REALLY am, they would run for the hills, and I would spend the rest of my life in a mental institution. The only thing I have going for me is my body, sex and a weird sense of humor. I can never, ever, ever show my true self to anyone, except my shrink and here, because I'm anonymous (Ihope!!)

I must never expect love from anyone, unless I can give them what they want, and for my husband, fulfill his sexual needs the best I can. Unless I can please someone, in some way, then I feel good, and I feel wanted and I feel loved. You see, it is different for the mentally ill, who are really so needy themselves, because of our altered perspective of reality. There is nothing worthy inside of me, so I must give what I can in the way that I know how.

So I try to please others, while hiding my true evil. This way, no one can see my disease, and no one will be frightened of me, and just perhaps, I will be loved. Because when I am needy, I am loathed, and become a burden to my family. I already spent 2 months in a mental hospital, and incured so much debt for my husband, I feel so terribly guilty, that I do whatever he says whenever he wants. Yes, I am afrain he will leave me if I get too crazy. I live in fear of this every second of my life! He is a handsome, well built man, a bodybuilder for his hobby, and young women at the gym are always hanging all over him. If I don't keep my body as hard as a 20 something year old, I am no good anymore. This is what I must do for love. I don't have anything else.

JJ, Yes, I do get your point. But yes... I do think one spouse can share the blame when another one goes astray. It doesn't relieve them of responsibilty but marriage is a marriage of two people. It requires give and take. It's not "all about them" but it can't be all about us either. What I'm trying to say is that even though we may not have the desire for sex we should love our husbands enough to have sex for them because it's important to them. And yes.. they should love us enough to talk and have conversations when it's what we need as well. It's compromise. It's not easy.

Sorry but I absolutely do not agree with this. Yes men and women stray outside their marriages but you can't place the blame on the other partner. We are each responsible for our "own" actions and if we decide to stray it is our choice to do so, not our partners fault. If you aren't happy in the marriage and you have to go elsewhere to have your needs met then perhaps you shouldn't be married and you need to leave the marriage FIRST and then you can do what you want.

Just my opinion.

Gramz

I'm with Gramz, altho' Carol, I want to point out that it's obvious you're a person who really seeks to find happy middle ground with others, and I'm suspecting that's not only with your husband, but with all the people in your circle. I get the sense you're one of those women with a Heart of Gold. And that's a beautiful trait for people to have.

Still, if my husband strayed, I would not take on one iota of the guilt. In our 30 years together, I have been completely faithful, have loved him, kept our home, worked to help put money in the bank, made a million good meals, welcomed his family for holidays, etc. etc. But I am an individual with my own feelings and needs, and I am not "available" for sex or ANYTHING on an "on-call" basis.

If my hubby strayed, he would be losing a pretty gosh-darned good thing. I'm not perfect, and I sure as heck don't look like a 20-year-old, but I have been a loyal and caring wife. It would be His Big Loss.

JJ

But you see, I feel so empty and insecure, that sometimes I think I am not good enough for anyone, because I have nothing to offer besides the superficial. I wonder why my husband loves me and stays with me, he deserves someone better. My children should have had a better mother, too, not someone who is insane.

I am afraid to be left alone, but I think I deserve it. I don't blame anyone but myself. Heck, I'm so messed up I can't even stand me!!! I think that perhaps I am not worthy of my life, my husband and my children. No one wants a relationship with an unstable woman, and I understand this. Anyone who has ever lived with a mentally ill person knows how hard it is to love them, especially when they go haywire.

I wouldn't blame my husband if he just got fed up one day and walked out the door. I could never say Good riddance, because his leaving IS my fault.

Well before this halo gets too comfortable let me assure you that were my hubby to stray he would definitely be out on his arse. And yes, it would be his loss and he yes he is responsible for his choices... But.. if I'm constantly rejecting him I can't say as I would blame him if he starts looking around. Not that he should...but I don't think I could take ongoing rejection and not be unmoved by it. I know I often do things I don't feel like doing, taking my granddaughters to the fair when I'd rather hit the sofa but... I love them and they wanted to go and I was their only ride. It's similar with my husband. I'm not saying I give into my husband every time he wants, he will tell you that I don't. However, I respect him too much to reject him every time he ask. But it's not about fear or obligation it's about love and respect. My bet is that you ladies are just as giving towards your husbands and it's just my ill choice of words that this idea provokes.

Armadillo, I've read enough of your post to know you are not in the least superficial. You are too informed, too well read and too giving. It's so hard to imagine your being unstable when you present yourself so intelligently on these boards. My own opinion is that all of the human race is a tad insane so perhaps you are more like the rest of us with just higher expectations.

I like this very much. Can I quote you? I'll print this out and put it over my desk, so my boss can see it! My annual review is coming up, and I need a sanity reference. You have every right to polish that halo, you have been very kind to me.

Yes, you can quote me and I don't think I'm kind at all. Just observant. Good luck on your review!

Really Armadillo,

Why are you so hard on yourself?

I mean, I struggle with ongoing depression, that's "mental illness," and you seem about as caring and kind as I feel I am (except for when the grumpies kick in) - none of us is perfect.

If you have the capacity to gain enough distance to observe yourself and cast self-judgment, you have as much capacity to cast self-kindness.

I completely agree with Carol - who isn't insane? Neurological researchers say no one ever truly touches "reality" - it's unknowable, and we're all just dealing with illusions, anyway, based on our early experiences, lessons from others, interpretations.

Why are you so sure you're right that you're a loser? Lots of people here enjoy you! Whose "illusion" is right? And if it's a matter of picking and choosing how to interpret things, hell, go ahead and choose to think well of yourself. WE do!

(((HUGGERS)))

JJ

JJ, I don't know why I'm so hard on myself, but I've been working on Cognitive Behavioural Techniques with my shrink to snap myself out of destructive thinking.

When I was a young teenager, I used to cut myself when I had an episode. I started out on my arms and legs, and finally onto my face.
This left me with some nasty scars, a failed suicide, and a 6 month stay in a mental hospital.

Then I progressed onto alcohol and drugs.
Another suicide attempt and 3 months in the hospital.

On and off struggles with anorexia.

Now I abuse myself with cleaning and exercise.
That only gave me 2 months in the nuthouse this year!

So I AM getting better. I am learning to distract myself by doing positive things, and replace my bad addictions with good behaviour and healthy living. It is a slow, tedious process, like anything else, it has setbacks as well as progress. Thanks to therapy and a boatload of mood stabilizers and anti-psychotic drugs, I can keep the demons at bay, and pretend that I am a normal woman, with a normal life.

And that's all the crazy talk for this evening, ladies. I've been babbling on too long.

((((Armadillo))))
Don't stop "babbling", please!
Yours are the first "new posts" I read!
Hugs, Jonie

I agree - I don't see this as "babbling" a single bit! You're very articulate.

It's awesome you're doing the CBT - good to challenge what our own thoughts can tell us. I loved Claire Weekes saying "Don't be bluffed by a thought..." That hadn't occurred to me before depression. We tend to think our thoughts are us, but in fact, it's just noise moving through our heads....

We needn't believe any of it, and we can challenge it, too.

There's something so refreshing about telling our own heads - "Hey you, shut up!"

(((BIG HUGS)))

JJ

I've been reading this topic, and just wanted to say that when we first got a computer about eight years ago, the first thing my husband did was try to check out porn sites. He'd heard a little bit about the availability of porn sites on the Internet and he was curious (like they say, a little information can be a dangerous thing). He's also not computer literate and cannot type. He uses one finger and takes a very long time to type something. It didn't really bother me that he was looking, but I mentioned to him that I can always look up the history of visited sites and find out where he's been. This gave him a bit of a surprise, that I could go to the same sites he had visited (he didn't know how to "erase" the computer history). And once or twice when he was watching TV, I did this, loudly proclaiming to him, "Look at this! You've been looking at Bored Housewives" (or whatever). He would be embarrassed and would yell, "No, I didn't!!" And I'd say, "Yes you did! It's right here in the history!" So then he stopped and I'd check the history and there'd only be regular sites, like sports or mortgage calculators and whatever.

We have a policy of "necessary cause" in our marriage; he has access to my e-mail and I to his, but I don't find it necessary to check his mail nor have I lately checked the computer history of visited sites like I did at first, though I could at any time. He used to read my e-mail until I asked him why it was necessary. He could not come up with any reason, so he stopped doing that, too.

But no matter what, you should talk over anything that bothers you with your husband. I would tell him how I felt and would try to find out why he needed to look at porn sites. I would ask him how he would feel if this whole thing was reversed. He might say, "Oh, I don't care if you look at men." But if I did, he might find out that it was more upsetting than he thought it would be, especially if I were to point out how attractive some man was. He'd get all insecure and jealous.

This sort of thing does not bother me when I feel I've been good to my husband. If my behavior has been poor and I know I should be doing better, then it really bothers me if he should be checking out porn sites or looking at other women, maybe because I feel I've not been treating him right. But if I've been good to him and he looks, I feel confidence in my heart and somehow it doesn't bother me as much. I figure if he leaves me, good luck. So I tell him that, and he says, "I'll never leave you." Yet in the heat of an argument, you'd swear we were finished. Every time.

CSugar, What an excellent example of a wonderful marriage. Open, honest and no tip-toeing around. It's interesting that he got embarrased when he knew you knew...and how quickly he lost interest when it wasn't a secret.

CSugar, I don't know if you meant this to be funny, but I just about fell over when I read it!

LOVE that you so bluntly and obviously called out to him about the sites he'd visited!

Nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide..... (remember that song?)

Yep, best to stick to mortgage calculators when you have a clever wife!


Love ya, Char!

JJ

I'm appalled that grown-ups would find it necessary to be reading each other's email and checking up on each other's computer usage. There is no way in Hades that I would allow my husband access to my email passwords; nor would I ever in a million years want access to his. Every human being has the right to privacy. Never would I want to be in a marriage where I felt I wasn't trusted, or where I couldn't trust my partner.

Every marriage is as different as the people in it. What works for some, doesn't work for others.

Although if you live in the USA, the Homeland Security Act lets the Feds peek at any type of electronic communication, including your secured email and internet accounts. There is NO such thing as real privacy in this country anymore. Just sayin'. You can trust your partner, as long as they aren't a government employee!

Just got to this thread....

I like JJ's input, it's honest and reminds me that us women have to stand up for ourselves and not put up with c*$p!

My husband and I get along OK now, but 3 years ago it was very tense and almost at separation level, because he said he couldn't say he 'loved me' anymore, because he didn't 'feel it'.....well, he still can't say it, but he wants to stay together and have a future together (although I do sometimes wonder if it's until our daughter - who is almost 8 - grows up?!).

I struggled with this for a very long time, and still do...right now he's away for 60 days and it hurts when I can hear him telling our daughter he loves her (on the phone) and he doesn't say anything to me! I admit I cannot tell him either...I mean, what's the point if I'm going to feel rotten if he doesn't say it back?......although I have said 'we love you' before I put the phone down, but still no response.

We did go to counselling 2 years ago, and it kind of made a small difference, but not much....I'm thinking we should go again.

So....waffling on about myself, but I do understand your angst tela.....marriage is so hard - and wierd!

Caz

Armadillo: That's kind of what I meant. There are so many assaults on our privacy and civil liberties these days -- we don't need it from our partners too!

I'm with you JJ. I know you all are going to say I have real problems but I went one year w/o having sex with my husband and now its going on 6 months from that time. Well a lot of how it started was b/c I retired from work and had no friends anymore and was taking care of a little kid, cleaning, laundry, etc. and when I'd want to sit and watch TV with him he'd just keep changing channels not caring that I was there; he wouldn't talk to me about things that were bothering me, basically no support at all. So there I was living a whole different life and I felt he was very insensitive. Also we never agree on how to raise our son.

So after several big fights around that time and also I was entering this lovely phase of peri and mood swings, dry personal parts, etc. I just divorced him emotionally. I had no where to go and I didn't want to have my son not be with his father. So we got along ok and he got the idea that nothing was going to happen and he got a mad a few times, but I didn't care.

Now I'm finally trying to get back out of that depression hell and I will be on bhrt in a few weeks so that should help. I have finally forgiven him for all the chatter in my head that was going on for like years and I hope to get back to my 30ish self in the sheets. But I felt like I dedicated my whole adult life to him and I serviced that man every morning before work for like 10 years and I was just plum done with it when I started to have issues with him. I told him one day, count yourself lucky most men don't get it every day for 10 years. I have the dollar bills we each put away to prove it!!!!!

But a part of me has changed so much and I don't love him like I used to, but then I don't believe I'm supposed to. Love changes, we all evolve. The love is there, it's just not that, every morning, I can't wait to see you tonight kinda love anymore. He wants it to be that way and he's not happy if its not. I tell him it will never be that way again. Anyway, we are slowly moving back to each other again, but he still sleeps in another room b/c he snores and keeps me awake and I have sleeping issues due to this lovely change of life. I also think a lot of my aches and pains are from the guilt of cutting away from him but sex is very painful and has been for along time and who wants to have sex with pain, especially if you're usually mad at you DH for some reason to boot.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHh what a release.

Corky, I had to go to another bed myself, and it was early in our marriage. I was SO ashamed and I told no one about it, lest they say it was THE END already. But he SNORED and it woke me up every hour. We were both working full time and we both had a very long day, and I needed some uninterrupted sleep, even if it was only six hours. At first, I lovingly told him to "Roll over; you're snoring." He smiled and rolled over. Next hour, repeat conversation. Next hour, a bit more tension in my voice, and he didn't smile, just rolled over in an angry way. Next hour, I was exasperated, "Roll over!" And then the argument started. "Why?" "Because you're snoring!!" "No, I AM NOT!!" "Yes, you ARE!!" So he'd roll over and I'd lie there with my eyes wide open. By now it was about 3:00 a.m. and I was JUST WAITING to hear that first snore again. When I did, I grabbed my pillow and blanket and went pounding out, looking for somewhere, anywhere, to sleep in peace and quiet. After a week or two of this so-called marital bliss, I started opening out the couch bed and just sleeping there to begin with. I'd put it all away in the morning, still ashamed and telling no one.

Then we got a waterbed, and I thought this would enable us to sleep comfortably and maybe he wouldn't snore. Wrong. He's big, and I was thrown out of the bed enough times to get a PERMANENT bed in ANOTHER PERMANENT room.

We've been happily married (well, usually) now for over 20 years, but no shared bed!! It's impossible.

Hey Sugargrove:

That's my story too. I did the same thing. I lived like that for years. Turn over, etc.etc. Then one time I called his office and put the phone up to his face so he could hear for himself the next morning on his voicemail. After a few years of this and b/c like I said earlier I was just having so many issues with him as well I took over the bed and sent him off. Now I have to get a new mattress and he wants a king and said then he could come back b/c I'd have more room to sleep. But the snoring is just so bad I am afraid to bring him back, but I feel so guilty. I really need a new mattress b/c of all my back pain issues.

You know we all grow up sleeping in our own beds and then we share one when we're a couple b/c we have to procreate. But when it comes down to everyone getting a good nights sleep I think separate beds and even rooms due to snoring should be the norm. So I don't feel that bad at all but maybe just a little. I just can't understand at this age in my life why we have to sleep all close together it's not like we don't have other rooms and beds. Plus, he likes the room cold, I like to be warm, then there is the who stole the covers, who's hogging the bed. So going back to the Dick Van Dyke, I love Lucy, is the way for me. I just love my space.

I saw a real estate show one time that said they were building houses with separate master bedrooms and baths. Now I wish I had a house like that.

Have a great day.

Corky!!!! (His own snoring on his voicemail)!!

EXCELLENT!! You and I think EXACTLY alike! It's kind of a relief (and a surprise) to hear that they really are building homes with separate master bedrooms and baths. So there is someone out there besides you and me who has this preference! When my mother and dad moved into their new condo, they had two bathrooms and a bedroom with two big closets instead of one. My dad sort of naturally took one bathroom for himself, and was putting his clothing in one of the closets, and she had a screaming fit about it, that he didn't love her anymore and had a lot of nerve. To this day, I don't see anything wrong with what he did. If extra room is available, why do we have to live on top of each other? After a bad night of snoring early in our marriage, I'd feel really irritable toward my husband as I headed to work feeling sleep deprived. You think as I do; we both love our space. My husband and I built a new home with three bedrooms. I use one of the bedrooms as a sewing room and I keep my ironing board there and use the closet for storing our off-season clothes, etc. But we each took another room for ourselves. Why would we have to cram together, when we have the space, and it's no one's business anyhow? People still come over and fall silent when they get a tour of the upstairs and it's obvious that we have separate bedrooms. Maybe I should keep one of the doors closed, but I really don't feel it's anything to be ashamed of. A few times, people have asked, "Is that the spare bedroom?" and I say, "No, my husband snores and we keep each other up all night, so we sleep separately." My brother and his wife have had separate bedrooms for 20 years, and they love each other and are happily married, but recognize that they just like some healthy separation. When my mother visited and found out about the separate bedrooms, she was predicting doom and gloom; the End of Their Marriage. And she's from the era of twin beds, too.

Doom and gloom, nah. My husband and I are still together and we are better, but we have gone through some rough times since I started peri/meno and well, there may be more. But we're together and we're okay with each other. I know deep down inside this hard shell of hormone hell that surrounds me is the real me who will be back full time eventually and I think he knows that so he's just waiting. Anyway, I believe that to stay happy you need to be separate a lot and come together when you need it. I see my husband every night, we've very rarely ever spent a night apart so I had to create the apartness when I needed it and it seems to work well. Although like I said, he wants a king size bed and to come back, but I think I'm going to forget about that because the snoring is just too much.

I used to have a job and a whole other separateness but then the guilt got so strong to be with my son that I retired and to this day I just don't feel the same. Short story: I worked 25 years, no kids, didn't want them and my husband already had two so i was cool with that. No pressure on me. Doctor said I'd need fertility to have kids, but I was like I'm not having kids; I have a professional life, then at 40, boom there was my son. So my life turned 100% in a direction I had never planned for and its still an adjustment today 8 years later. And now menohell. So I WANT MY SPACE. I don't care who knows.