Hello,

I am desperately trying to save my marriage of 11 years. My wife is 39 and has suffered from endometriosis since a young age. She has recently been hospitalized for PID and been diognosed with sjorgens syndrom. She has suddenly changed to a different person and I am the enemy. She has rage, extreem mood swings, distorted memory of our past (no happy memories ) and has two feet out the door to divorce. We have three children ages 3, 4, and 8. She is seeing a specialist obgyn and hopefully they will see what I see and treat her for perimenopause.

Is there a special forum I should be in? Can someone help me?

I have been going to counseling by myself, she refuses to go. I have apologized without excuse for my part in what has brought us to this point in our marrige. There has been no abuse, no infidelity and I am devistated. She is very beutiful and is now dressing up (to the nines) and wearing very flattering clothing, tanning, going "out" with ??? girlfriends, and I know this is a common thing for what I believe she is going through. But I still worry about the attention she must be getting when she goes out. I don't beleive she is cheating, but it's killing me.

I am just looking for some guidance. I am willing to wait for this storm to pass. I just need to know that it will. I love her more than words can say, and am trying to give her space, and still be a good dad and keep the promises I made. " in sickness and in health" this is day 103.

any response may be helpful.

Hi Locmup,
A very warm welcome to you. Strictly speaking I think you should be posting in the 'men this one is for you,' forum but who cares?
You are obviously having a rough time and this community will care deeply about that. We are a community of mainly women but we have some really great guys who visit us occasionally and I think that you might benefit from chatting to them. The most precious thing we can offer is a combination of male and female perspectives at this difficult time of life.

Both endometriosis and Sjogrens are both very nasty conditions to have. I have a progressive neurological disease so I can empathsize completely. At this time of life women seem to develop severe health anxiety whether they have underlying conditions or not. This can lead to some very irrational behaviour. However your post confuses me somewhat. On the one hand you describe the ill health that your wife is suffering and yet on the other you speak of dressing up to the nines and going out with the girls. You see; many ladies here have been known to tear the head from their poor husbands' shoulders but it is usually because they feel so poorly and are terrified of what the future may hold. Many of those ladies find it difficult to face each day, nevermind go out clubbing with the girls.
It could be that various treatments for endometriosis have sent you wife into a sudden menopause and the plumetting hormones have completely skewed the way she thinks. Make no mistake, these fluctuating hormones can really affect the way a woman thinks. A woman who once had a very high libido can be transformed into someone who has a complete aversion to sex! A peimenopausal lady can exhibit horrible mood swings and rage which is completely out of character.
My initial advice would be to keep hanging in there. I do believe that these emotional storms will settle and it is probably all about surviving the hurricane.
Keep posting here and we will try to support you through all this.


Regards,

XIII

Hi Locmup,
What your Wife is going through sounds very much like Premenopause.

I like you Wife was about 39 when I started to. The first thing I notices was my gums would swell about the same time every month.

I now get hot flashes too which dont bother me too much. Its mainly my face that goes bright red.

I think your wife needs to go to counseling with you so you can both say what your true feelings are about what is happening in your life and with what has changed.

Hormones do funny things when women are menopausal and there are lots of natural things that she could take, or if she wants drugs that can be of great help.

Your Wife needs to talk to someone who is able to guide her as to what she is going through.

Tell her what she means to you and that you want to stay and no divorce that is if thats what you too.

Gook luck and keep us posted

Take care From Deb

locmup.....here is the link to the men's forum. There is a Rule topic there to read also. Hope this helps you.


http://www.power-surge.com/php/forums/index.php?showforum=22

Thanks to all who replied. I am determined to get through this storm, and will love and cherish my wife regardless of how awful things get. I will not be a door mat , but I have to take the high road for myself, and our children. If she eventually files for divorce or starts to see someone else that will be on her. I will not forsake her in this time and will not give her a reason to justify divorce or infidelity.


Thank-you everyone for your words of hope. This time of life effects not just women, but the ones who love them.

I'll keep visiting.

Hi there, I was wondering how you are doing??

I hope things are getting better for you? Its hard when things arnt the way you want them to be.

Stay positive and do what you are doing.

Take Care From Deb

locmup,

Hello and welcome to PS, to be honest I habe no idea about endometriosis, PID or sjorgens, but I do know a few things about
peri, or at least from the husband side of it anyways.

From what it sounds like she has not excepted or even will think about the possibilty that she is going thru it, and she is not willing
to see a counselor, so perhaps there is a way for you to help, my wife was the same way, so after doing some looking around I
got a book called "Before the Change" by Ann Gittleman, and No I didn't just get it and tell her to read it, what I did was start reading it
myself, looking at the symtoms and what can be done to help them, at the same time I was watching her very closely to see when she was
having a hot flash or other symtoms including her mood, that way I would know when was the best time to talk to her about what I was
seeing and what she was doing in return and how it was affecting the two of us and the family.

Just by having the book around and reading it, she asked me what I was reading and I told her, well she blew that off, but as I continued
to read it and then leave it around the house she one day picked it up and took a quick look at it and then just put it down, but then a few
weeks later she started to read it and then she started thinking about her symtoms and how she was deeling with them, then she even tried
a few things that are suggested in the book to help with the symtoms and the helped some and then she was able to think clearly enough to
talk to a doctor and also to think about how she was acting and how it was effecting every one around her.

That was some time ago, and at the time she refused to see a marriage counselor, but after I was just so out of it that I was just ready to
end it all, she realized that she was still disconnected from our marriage, actually we both had become that way, but after seeing some one
for some time now and talking to each other about what we are feeling and how some things that we do effects the other, things are now much
better and we are much happier. Sure we still have our moments but thats just life and the stress of both of us working 70 hours or more a week.

And remember don't give up, and if you try to push her to do some thing then it will most likely just push her in the other direction.

So keep asking questions, in the mens area, Good Luck.

Regards,
Don

Just hang in there locmup,,Hopefully you & your wife will work everything out,,believe me going thru perimenopause or menopause really changes how a woman feels & thinks,,,so just hang in there,,we arr all here if you need us!!

Hi Locmup,
It was great chatting to you last night on Insta-chat.

Good to hear that your Wife is now getting some help. Given time and help things will get better for you both.

I wish you both luck and happiness.

Take care from Deb

I too am going through with what I believe is nearly the same situation as you are. No abuse nor infidelity. We have been married going on 11 years (july 19).

My wife and I are separated - going on 3 and 1/2 weeks. She has blammed me for the whole situation!! We have 4 children 10, 8 and 5 (twins). This has been total devastation! She will not go to counseling - fortunately I am (to keep my head above water). It is amazing - she brings up nearly every argument or conflict that we had in the past - things that we had talked through and forgave each other for. She has become very cold and bitter about trying to make the marriage work - right now I live moment to moment hoping for her to come back - to a point where we can communicate and work together. It seems like it is the onset of perimenopause, but she has told me that it is not!??! I basically am confused and grieving over this potential divorce.

I'm trying to watch out for myself - eat right, get enough sleep etc. this has seemed to help - hopefully time and patience on my part will help her get through this life change.

What is SJORDENS Syndrome that your have has?

Sorry to hear about your situation. It does sound like the same thing. It's going on four months for me now. Just don't give up.

Sjogrens Syndrome is an autoimmune condition that leads to destrution and loss of function of the lacrimal or tear producing glands and salivary glands resulting in dry eyes and dry mouth. Sjogrens can appear by itself as a primary syndrome but may complicate SLE, rheumatoid arthritis and the autoimmune connective tissue diseases, scleroderma and dermatomyositis Patients with Sjogrens often have abnormal blood tests including Anti-Ro (also knows as SSA), anti-La (also known as SSB), ANA, rheumatoid factor and hypergammaglobulinemia. Although not required the diagnosed can be strongly supported with a lip biopsy reviewed by a qualfied pathologist identifying focal lymphocytic sialedenitis. Treatment can include artificial tear and saliva. Some patients require prescription remedies such as restasis eye drops or salagen and evoxac which stimulate salivation. Hydroxychloroquine (plaquenil) can be prescribed for fatigue and musculoskeletal symptoms. Very rarely, patients with Sjogrens develop pseuolymphoma, lymphoma or injury to vital organs such as lung, kidney or brain. A rheumatologist is qualiifed to assist in the diagnosis, monitoring and treatment of this disease.

It can be connected to other medical issues as well.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Hi Sheepdog,
I hope you have a great camping trip with your kids?
Its so nice to be off outside in the outdoors as it does wonders for your mind, body and soul.

Make the most of it while your kids are young as they grow so quick and you look back and wonder where the time has gone and how did they grow up so fast.

Take Care. From Deb

Hi Sheepdog,
Sorry to hear about the trouble you are going through at the moment.

Its not nice when you go through what you are, as you mind is trying to work out what went wrong and why.

Sometimes you think you have the answers to the questions and sometimes you dont.

Just remember we are here for you. If you want you can send me a personal message anytime. Even if you want some advice or just to get something off your chest.

I cant understand why your socalled friend did what he did. He is the lowest person around. A true friend doesnt do that sort of thing.

Make sure you talk about your feelings and worries as to bottle them up is not good.

Take Care From Deb

D

Dear Friend
I reacted just like your wife at a certain age so can definitely relate to what you are going through.As a former model felt that I was losing my looks,no confidence.So same thing,dressing provocatively,going out and literally ignoring my husband.Luckily my children were relatively grown up but hurt by my behaviour.Finally came to my senses when an older kindly woman relative talked with me.Got on HRT as hormones definitely off the chart.Was referred to a Psychiatrist who along with psycotherapy and a limited use of antidepressents helped turn my life around
I now know it was my mid life crisis.Put my husband to Hell and back,very good man just like you.He never gave up on me and once the medication and HRT kicked in gradually things got a lot better.
Please take heart.Your wife is a lovely lady and feel that she too is probably in crisis mode.You are doing a fantastic job of holding it all together but maybe there is a kindly older woman friend or relative who might be able to intervene
I pray that this situation will turn around and that your blessed family will be whole very soon.
God Bless,friend
Elizabeth

I can relate to your wife, in particular pid & sjogrens. I have become unravelled & sought someone else. My recommendation is to love your wife to death, put her & her health above else. If she dresses up & goes out - let her know how great she looks. You have no idea how much she hurts inside.
Good luck - love is worth saving.