Hello...
I am coming up to four months without a period; and as a result I am in the throes of my own hormonal nightmare. My youngest son is coming up to 16 years old and has of course got his own hormones to contend with, and is also seeing a psychiatrist. He is being diagnosed with ADHD from the psychiatrist and depression (I knew this, but needed her validation and support). He runs the house which is quite common with this condition apparently. My oldest is 19 and struggling with his career aspirations, and wanting to be a full grown man I think. My husband is trying to dodge bullets the best that he can. We are all unhappy I think. We live together but it feels sometimes like a prison sentence. I feel like a failure on so many levels - mother, wife, maid, cook...
I feel my life with my children, now teens slipping by oh so quickly, and you know, I am going to say something brutally honest here, but the family life was not all that I imagined that it would be. I feel ripped off and saddened by that too. I don't hold that many fond memories...is that normal? I fear I am so not normal. I am feeling really down today too.
I feel often like a single mother because my husband is working nights alot and away from the family home quite a bit. I feel estranged from them all and I make a life for myself with my friends and church community. I almost feel sometimes like running away from everything and eveyrone and being on my own...as in Ladder of Years by Anne Tyler. Sometimes too though I envision joining a commune and being with "the people" and making a new family. Can I buy one on Craig's List maybe? I don't know. Just need some thoughts on this oh so depressing subject.
Sincerely,
Suz
Full Version: Living together, but no one seems very happy
Suz,
I completely understand how you feel (in every aspect) and I do believe it is all very normal, especially during this time of our lives.
Our children are no longer children. Our priorities have changed, dang it, everything has changed!!!
Life will never be as we once knew it. That in itsself is a very hard concept to grasp.
As far as your husband goes and his work schedule........have you ever told him that you would like to spend
time with just him and the two of you go out alone? Seems to me that would be the place to start. I understand your concern
for your boys, that is all very natural, but, truth is they are growing up on ya and they have to learn to do for themselves and
understand that momma has needs too.
That empty nest is not far off, Suz, and your relationship with your husband should be made a priority if at all possible.
Obviously you are not happy with the way it is now and I completely understand that it takes two, but someone has to make
the first move if this is not what you want for your marriage.........meaning the way it is now.
I hope and pray the very best for you in everything that you do, Suz. Rest assured in knowing that you have done your very
best in everything you have done and that is all you can do.
Much love,
bev
I completely understand how you feel (in every aspect) and I do believe it is all very normal, especially during this time of our lives.
Our children are no longer children. Our priorities have changed, dang it, everything has changed!!!
Life will never be as we once knew it. That in itsself is a very hard concept to grasp.
As far as your husband goes and his work schedule........have you ever told him that you would like to spend
time with just him and the two of you go out alone? Seems to me that would be the place to start. I understand your concern
for your boys, that is all very natural, but, truth is they are growing up on ya and they have to learn to do for themselves and
understand that momma has needs too.
That empty nest is not far off, Suz, and your relationship with your husband should be made a priority if at all possible.
Obviously you are not happy with the way it is now and I completely understand that it takes two, but someone has to make
the first move if this is not what you want for your marriage.........meaning the way it is now.
I hope and pray the very best for you in everything that you do, Suz. Rest assured in knowing that you have done your very
best in everything you have done and that is all you can do.
Much love,
bev
Hi Suz:
I do know what you are talking about. I have been going through similar experiences. My son is graduating from High school and doesn't need me much anymore. He is off with his friends, getting ready for college and we hardly talk. I mean, we do but not as much as we used too and I miss it. I know he has to become a young man and move on, go to college, live his own life, but i think it is normal to really miss those days when they were 7 years old and so much fun to be around.
My husband is going through a midlife crises and I have written on here before about it. I have been trying to encourage, help him but he is being really stubborn and just rebuffs me. I know he misses having our son around, hates his job and wishes he would have done more with his life. I keep telling him that he should really stop and look around and see how blessed he is but he has to decide and make that decision. Meanwhile, it is making me really sad seeing him that way. Yes, I too have thought about running away and tossing it all just to be free. I think it is so normal at this time of our lives. We are going through so much with our hormones and our midlife questions. I wonder why men and children don't see or respond to our needs? Anyway, I even had a dream of Johnny Depp wanting to date me last night. Go figure. I mean, seriously, he doesn't know me and most likely I wouldn't like him but it was my mind wanting to be free.
Hugs
Mopsy
I do know what you are talking about. I have been going through similar experiences. My son is graduating from High school and doesn't need me much anymore. He is off with his friends, getting ready for college and we hardly talk. I mean, we do but not as much as we used too and I miss it. I know he has to become a young man and move on, go to college, live his own life, but i think it is normal to really miss those days when they were 7 years old and so much fun to be around.
My husband is going through a midlife crises and I have written on here before about it. I have been trying to encourage, help him but he is being really stubborn and just rebuffs me. I know he misses having our son around, hates his job and wishes he would have done more with his life. I keep telling him that he should really stop and look around and see how blessed he is but he has to decide and make that decision. Meanwhile, it is making me really sad seeing him that way. Yes, I too have thought about running away and tossing it all just to be free. I think it is so normal at this time of our lives. We are going through so much with our hormones and our midlife questions. I wonder why men and children don't see or respond to our needs? Anyway, I even had a dream of Johnny Depp wanting to date me last night. Go figure. I mean, seriously, he doesn't know me and most likely I wouldn't like him but it was my mind wanting to be free.
Hugs
Mopsy
I can relate too, and my kids are only 11 and 13! I think "family life" is often idealized in TV sitcoms and the movies -- wouldn't it be wonderful if our families were just like The Cosby Show? I often feel the same way -- my kids are growing up, the closest of our really close family times are behind us, and I don't think we have ONE family photo that includes me, because I'm always taking the photos, planning the trips, cleaning up, cooking, and doing everything else. Sometimes I feel that if I got hit by a truck tomorrow they'd just hire a maid/gardener/driver/financial planner to replace me and be glad that there was less nagging.
I think the hardest thing about this time of life is shifting our focus from our families to ourselves and the world beyond our families. There is a lot to be said in finding things to do that bring you joy and a sense of purpose, either at work or in community service or in hobbies.
I wonder all the time whether or not I should leave my marriage, but I know a lot of it is just me and the difficulty I'm having in letting go of the close, close relationship I've had with my kids. My husband is not the real emotional, sensitive, attentive type, and after years of pouring all my love into the kids and getitng all my needs for love and affection from the kids, it's hard to know WHAT kind of relationship I can expect to have with my husband.
I'm trying to say that I think everything you're going through is normal, we all suffer these growing pains, and they ARE painful and they take years to work through. But I do believe that you can work them through!
Hang in there,
I think the hardest thing about this time of life is shifting our focus from our families to ourselves and the world beyond our families. There is a lot to be said in finding things to do that bring you joy and a sense of purpose, either at work or in community service or in hobbies.
I wonder all the time whether or not I should leave my marriage, but I know a lot of it is just me and the difficulty I'm having in letting go of the close, close relationship I've had with my kids. My husband is not the real emotional, sensitive, attentive type, and after years of pouring all my love into the kids and getitng all my needs for love and affection from the kids, it's hard to know WHAT kind of relationship I can expect to have with my husband.
I'm trying to say that I think everything you're going through is normal, we all suffer these growing pains, and they ARE painful and they take years to work through. But I do believe that you can work them through!
Hang in there,
Suz
First - ((((((((((((((((((((((((Suz))))))))))))))))))))
Ok now, Tidal, Mops and Paradox sum it up beautifully. I think the life you describe sounds (not to minimize) "typical" of the lives many of us are living now. The sadness and dissapointment can be pervasive. I hear this from all of my friends who don't have icky, awful meno symptoms as well, except that, some of them are not as introspective or perhaps are able not to "think too much" and function by sort of rising above the issues in their lives when they can. Am I making sense? We, in our heightened state, tend to be so darn pensive and analytical.
My Dad used to say that if everyone threw their house keys into the middle of a room, you would be blessed to get your own back. Sometimes we compare ourselves to a "perception" of others lives or a "fantasy" of our future life we had when we were young adults.
What I do is try as best as I can to live in the present. And I know that you are aware that this practice "mindfulness" is the only answer.
I send you love and peace.
Pookish
First - ((((((((((((((((((((((((Suz))))))))))))))))))))
Ok now, Tidal, Mops and Paradox sum it up beautifully. I think the life you describe sounds (not to minimize) "typical" of the lives many of us are living now. The sadness and dissapointment can be pervasive. I hear this from all of my friends who don't have icky, awful meno symptoms as well, except that, some of them are not as introspective or perhaps are able not to "think too much" and function by sort of rising above the issues in their lives when they can. Am I making sense? We, in our heightened state, tend to be so darn pensive and analytical.
My Dad used to say that if everyone threw their house keys into the middle of a room, you would be blessed to get your own back. Sometimes we compare ourselves to a "perception" of others lives or a "fantasy" of our future life we had when we were young adults.
What I do is try as best as I can to live in the present. And I know that you are aware that this practice "mindfulness" is the only answer.
I send you love and peace.
Pookish
I guess I'm lucky here in an odd sort of way. My mother had (still does) an vision of an ideal family life. It was a life we could never fulfill and always left disappointing her as there was some perfect family out there for her, we just weren't it.
Consequently when I grew up I made a decision to have no expectations whatsoever. I didn't even want children until the doctor told me I couldn't have any
. My kids are 11 and 16 this month. I still don't have any expectations of my kids or my husband. Oh, there are basic rules that can't be broken - like don't hit anyone, steal anything or get any Ds. But other than that I am fascinated by who they are becoming and the choices they make. Sometimes I even smile with relief that I don't have to experience all those wonderful learning experiences of youth that I see my kids go through, and that we all experienced.
All this said however, when the hormones hit I STILL wanted to run away from home. I STILL feel total unappreciated from time to time. I STILL get grumpy at my husband even though we spend lots of time together. I also had a strong desire to get involved with friends and activites outside my family. I'm not even sure why but it was part of the desire to run away from home as if I could leave my hormones behind
.
Three years later I would say there was a value to all those feelings. They taught me to limit the amount I give to what I can give. They taught me to make time for myself even if it is just coming here for chat. All I would advise Suz is not to do anything rash but to see what small changes might begin to bring you some peace. I think the idea of talking with your hubby is excellent. I also support what the other's said about being in the present. That is a hard concept for me. Instead I'm trying just count the good hours (or minutes) every day. I make a mental note about what made it good. It is helping and even making my ever present anxiety more tolerable.
Hang in there! It does get better
Consequently when I grew up I made a decision to have no expectations whatsoever. I didn't even want children until the doctor told me I couldn't have any
. My kids are 11 and 16 this month. I still don't have any expectations of my kids or my husband. Oh, there are basic rules that can't be broken - like don't hit anyone, steal anything or get any Ds. But other than that I am fascinated by who they are becoming and the choices they make. Sometimes I even smile with relief that I don't have to experience all those wonderful learning experiences of youth that I see my kids go through, and that we all experienced.All this said however, when the hormones hit I STILL wanted to run away from home. I STILL feel total unappreciated from time to time. I STILL get grumpy at my husband even though we spend lots of time together. I also had a strong desire to get involved with friends and activites outside my family. I'm not even sure why but it was part of the desire to run away from home as if I could leave my hormones behind
.Three years later I would say there was a value to all those feelings. They taught me to limit the amount I give to what I can give. They taught me to make time for myself even if it is just coming here for chat. All I would advise Suz is not to do anything rash but to see what small changes might begin to bring you some peace. I think the idea of talking with your hubby is excellent. I also support what the other's said about being in the present. That is a hard concept for me. Instead I'm trying just count the good hours (or minutes) every day. I make a mental note about what made it good. It is helping and even making my ever present anxiety more tolerable.
Hang in there! It does get better
Dear Suz
I understand what you are going through. I too feel like a single parent on most days. I was/am the disciplinarian for both my children. Dad always wanted to be the 'friend' while I was too busy being the 'parent'. Being the parent of teenagers is.... like the dog having kittens and the cat having puppies...everything is in turmoil!! Couple that with being in the throes of peri....and it is no wonder you are feeling dizzy with hormones, dispair, sadness and anxiety.
I wanted my children to experience some of what I experienced when I was growing up...but it was not to be. Different times and people, makes for different childhood memories.
I doubt that there is a family alive that isn't unhappy at times....despite the outward appearance that is made for neighbours, friends and family. It always amazes me when I discover that the 'happiest family on the block' is getting a divorce. I also doubt that there isn't a woman alive who has not felt like a failure on some levels for periods of times. I know I sure have felt that way on many occasions. Failure as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. We wear many hats and at times those hats just get tired and worn out.
The most important thing to remember is the successful things that you have accomplished. You are articulate, you are warm, you are adored and you are 'trying'...all we can do in life is 'try.'
It is far too easy to look back and remember the failures. ~ Shoulda ~ Woulda ~ Coulda ~ I prefer to look back and cherish the positives and relinquish the negative control that attempts to creep in on my mind.....from time to time.
Go through your family photo albumn......I betcha you will remember things that you have forgotten in this hazy-crazy time. I think you will find some cherished memories of times gone by that are currently hiding from you today.
In the meantime....I just looked up some families on Craiglist for you. Apparently there is one going for a really good price. Problem is....when I did a thorough 'check' on them......they weren't as 'perfect' as was advertised
((((((HUGS))))))
To you my friend
Dottie
I understand what you are going through. I too feel like a single parent on most days. I was/am the disciplinarian for both my children. Dad always wanted to be the 'friend' while I was too busy being the 'parent'. Being the parent of teenagers is.... like the dog having kittens and the cat having puppies...everything is in turmoil!! Couple that with being in the throes of peri....and it is no wonder you are feeling dizzy with hormones, dispair, sadness and anxiety.
I wanted my children to experience some of what I experienced when I was growing up...but it was not to be. Different times and people, makes for different childhood memories.
I doubt that there is a family alive that isn't unhappy at times....despite the outward appearance that is made for neighbours, friends and family. It always amazes me when I discover that the 'happiest family on the block' is getting a divorce. I also doubt that there isn't a woman alive who has not felt like a failure on some levels for periods of times. I know I sure have felt that way on many occasions. Failure as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. We wear many hats and at times those hats just get tired and worn out.
The most important thing to remember is the successful things that you have accomplished. You are articulate, you are warm, you are adored and you are 'trying'...all we can do in life is 'try.'
It is far too easy to look back and remember the failures. ~ Shoulda ~ Woulda ~ Coulda ~ I prefer to look back and cherish the positives and relinquish the negative control that attempts to creep in on my mind.....from time to time.
Go through your family photo albumn......I betcha you will remember things that you have forgotten in this hazy-crazy time. I think you will find some cherished memories of times gone by that are currently hiding from you today.
In the meantime....I just looked up some families on Craiglist for you. Apparently there is one going for a really good price. Problem is....when I did a thorough 'check' on them......they weren't as 'perfect' as was advertised
((((((HUGS))))))
To you my friend
Dottie
Thank you lovely ladies for bearing your soul and heartfelt messages to me. I realize that this is a private matter and touchy subject. I am speaking truth though and I needed to hear truth back - so it is much appreciated.
I don't know what to do about my boys. One especially is just so touchy and non-communicative. I told him that it is really just a few minutes of his day that I deserve from him in order to touch base. Alas, he is self-absorbed and it does concern me to see him being this way. I try to bite my tongue as much as possible. Perhaps it is a stage that he is going through? He is struggling with his career aspirations as I have said earlier...and he wants to lash out at someone I suppose - lucky me. I told him however that this behaviour will ultimately not bode well for him in his relationship with his girlfriend (that practically lives in our house, although I rarely see her, but would love to in order to **** up some of the the estrogen that is just radiating from her!) She is pushing him too in many respects to grow up and move on. This is of course really a good thing, but I am fearful that he is just not financially ready. Oh well, he has to learn the hard way I suppose. Sigh.
I will have to think of ways to get hubby and I more connected. I guess I really am living in fear of that empty nest, but on so many levels I may in fact enjoy it instead of this oh so hectic and noisy household that I am currently residing in. I find that as I get older I do not like the noise levels too high; I am sure that too is somewhat indicative of this peri/meno curse I find myself under. I just wish that I could shake my "woe is me" tendency that I carry deep inside, but don't share outwardly - I put it on that all is just fine for the most part for others. It's at home, when I am alone and in my room that I find myself spiralling downwards to a degree and feeling sorry for myself. I keep busy though either on line, knitting, reading...should get back into singing again - taken a sabbath from that lately. Get out in that garden and mix it up a little. I just feel needy. Dang it.
Okay thanks lovely ladies - enough of this pity party for the day. I didn't realize I had this much in common with the wonderful women here that I have come to so admire.
Blessings to you,
Suzanne
<><
I don't know what to do about my boys. One especially is just so touchy and non-communicative. I told him that it is really just a few minutes of his day that I deserve from him in order to touch base. Alas, he is self-absorbed and it does concern me to see him being this way. I try to bite my tongue as much as possible. Perhaps it is a stage that he is going through? He is struggling with his career aspirations as I have said earlier...and he wants to lash out at someone I suppose - lucky me. I told him however that this behaviour will ultimately not bode well for him in his relationship with his girlfriend (that practically lives in our house, although I rarely see her, but would love to in order to **** up some of the the estrogen that is just radiating from her!) She is pushing him too in many respects to grow up and move on. This is of course really a good thing, but I am fearful that he is just not financially ready. Oh well, he has to learn the hard way I suppose. Sigh.
I will have to think of ways to get hubby and I more connected. I guess I really am living in fear of that empty nest, but on so many levels I may in fact enjoy it instead of this oh so hectic and noisy household that I am currently residing in. I find that as I get older I do not like the noise levels too high; I am sure that too is somewhat indicative of this peri/meno curse I find myself under. I just wish that I could shake my "woe is me" tendency that I carry deep inside, but don't share outwardly - I put it on that all is just fine for the most part for others. It's at home, when I am alone and in my room that I find myself spiralling downwards to a degree and feeling sorry for myself. I keep busy though either on line, knitting, reading...should get back into singing again - taken a sabbath from that lately. Get out in that garden and mix it up a little. I just feel needy. Dang it.
Okay thanks lovely ladies - enough of this pity party for the day. I didn't realize I had this much in common with the wonderful women here that I have come to so admire.
Blessings to you,
Suzanne
<><
Well if I can chime in as an 'empty nester'..... I'll say that I thourghly enjoy my empty nest. My husband and I started doing more together, I had more free time to get involved outside of the home, the house was less messy, hubby and I didn't argue as much, but the biggest relief was the worry and fear. I don't know why it is but when they aren't living with you anymore, you worry less. You can go to sleep with both eyes closed. You will find you relax more. I confess I didn't think I was going to like it any one bit but once the crying was done.... (and once he came home for a year after his Marine Duty) I love it!
He now lives 20 mintues away and we get to play with the grandchildren. Much much more fun! So hang in there!
He now lives 20 mintues away and we get to play with the grandchildren. Much much more fun! So hang in there!
((((suz)))) I just wanted to reply as I can remember a time when family life felt like that. It was like living in a war zone as it seemed every member of my family had their own personal crises and problems. Not surprisingly at the time I was desparately unhappy with the situation as a whole and I can totally sympathise with you. Family life is just like peri really isn't it, a rollercoaster? And yes, I was ready to pack those bags and go and live in the hills somewhere!
Please don't feel like a failure though because I'm sure that you're not. When you said that your son runs the house I understood a little of that feeling as my mother suffers with a very negative, critical outlook and clinical depression and my father is afraid to stand up to her and disagree with her and rock the boat because of her suicide attempts. Families struggle when one person puts their needs at the top all the time and this is what happened to mine.
If your son is struggling with his career decisions and aspirations I can understand how worried he must be. My daughter is liek a different person now that she has her life on track in that department.
I remember when hubby was away working a lot and our relationship suffered through it too as it coincided with that "war zone" time. Time was precious as we were both working and the only time we seemed to spend together was when we had a problem to discuss. You need him there to talk things through with. It's easy for me to say things will work out and if someone had told me this several years ago I would have doubted it but in time things did work out and I hope that they will for you.
As for the empty nester thing I may need a hand to hold come October when my youngest goes to uni so I can't tell you what emptynesthood is like but I'm always encouraged to read that some of the PS ladies have gone through it and lived to tell the tale.
Don't know if my babbling on has helped or bored you to death but I just wanted to say thinking of you.
Please don't feel like a failure though because I'm sure that you're not. When you said that your son runs the house I understood a little of that feeling as my mother suffers with a very negative, critical outlook and clinical depression and my father is afraid to stand up to her and disagree with her and rock the boat because of her suicide attempts. Families struggle when one person puts their needs at the top all the time and this is what happened to mine.
If your son is struggling with his career decisions and aspirations I can understand how worried he must be. My daughter is liek a different person now that she has her life on track in that department.
I remember when hubby was away working a lot and our relationship suffered through it too as it coincided with that "war zone" time. Time was precious as we were both working and the only time we seemed to spend together was when we had a problem to discuss. You need him there to talk things through with. It's easy for me to say things will work out and if someone had told me this several years ago I would have doubted it but in time things did work out and I hope that they will for you.
As for the empty nester thing I may need a hand to hold come October when my youngest goes to uni so I can't tell you what emptynesthood is like but I'm always encouraged to read that some of the PS ladies have gone through it and lived to tell the tale.
Don't know if my babbling on has helped or bored you to death but I just wanted to say thinking of you.
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