...my own and other's. Is this a peri-menopause thing? My mom is at that age where I'm dreading her death (80) and I am all too aware of my own mortality. It doesn't help that I've been plagued with a sudden onset of heart-burn/GERD type symptoms that are extremely uncomfortable. I have a doctor's appt. tomorrow, and I can't help but wonder if something terrible is going on with me. Anybody else have this going on?

Yes, I certainly do. I can't say its on a daily basis but some days, it really plays on my mind.
I think its because of the weird feelings and symptoms, it makes us alert to how vunerable we are.
The feel good factor is mostly gone, when you have that, death is the last thing on your mind.
best wishes
Caroline

I spend a lot of time dwelling on this stuff, too. I thought it was because I had to visit my father so many times in the hospital growing up and had to take my mother to endless doctor visits as she got older. Every time I read about a disease I google it to see if I have the symptoms. My mother in law has pancreatic cancer, and so many of my aunts and uncles have passed on that I wonder if my background has anything to do with it or if it's this stage of life. I wonder if I'll see my daughters graduate from high school at times, I feel so tired. I assume I must have something horribly wrong with me because I don't have the energy I used to have. When I look back at family pictures I wonder how I had all the energy I had for them to travel, throw parties, etc.

You're not alone in this, if it helps any! I don't know if it's because I spent so much time at my mother's nursing home also, if it affected me. She was there a year and a half and it seems each week a new roommate had died, and I hear about my mother-in-law's "boyfriends"--she's 82. It seems every time she gets to know someone something happens to them. I don't know if it's just this stage in life, where we have to deal with elderly parents and other relatives and health issues, or if it just goes with menopause.

I know exactly how you feel. Ever since my Mom passed away last year, I've been fixating on death and my own mortality. May 1st will be the anniversary. I find myself thinking about funerals, caskets, cemeteries, loved ones left behind, what heaven will be like. I also think about weather or not I'll be able to "come back" and watch over my family, etc.

Thanks for your responses, Caroline and frisbee...
Caroline, you made a lot of sense- when I feel good, I don't tend to think I'm dying. This esophageal stuff is so uncomfortable, and it came on so quickly. I'm wondering if I have an esophageal ulcer or hiatal hernia. The effects are severe, which makes me assume I am dying or whatever...plus, this sort of anxiety is rampant in my family, at least on my mother's side.

frisbee, it's good to know I'm not the only one going through this. I hope I get out of it. Gosh, even six months ago I felt so much better. This is insane! Maybe my doctor's appt. tomorrow will shed some light on things, but I'm guessing I'll have to make an appt. for an endoscopy. Ugh.

I imagine the sadness of my friends and partner when I am gone, plus knowing that life goes on...without me. It's awful. I need to get some things cleared up with the doc so I quit thinking this way!

Wow I am going through the same thing. I used to have a stray thought in my 30's but in my 40's I find I think about something and then spend the day searching the internet and worrying. I think this is a common thought process once you reach your 40's. Maybe part of it is that we always hear that our chances to get so many diseases increase with age. Or the fact that we are rethinking our whole lives? I don't know but I do know that most women in their 40's go through this. Hang in there!!

Yes...in my 30's I felt scot-free, because it's rare to get terminal illnesses that young. However, I always had in the back of my mind the mid-40's as the beginning of vulnerability to diseases. I want it to go away, I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing this. My grandfather was "dying" for the last forty or so years he was alive, you know? I don't want to be like him.

I think that contemplating our own mortality is certainly a function of middle age. Think about this, once you get to the top of the hill, you can now see what's on the other side, and you have to go downhill to get there. And if you don't want to get there so quickly, well, you better learn to walk slowly and look at the flowers along the way.

Anne, maybe this will make you laugh.

esophageal, I am not sure if this is what I had but it had happened occasionally before.
I was waiting in hospital to be discharged, I had said , don't forget me and they did.
A nice nurse made me a slice of toast for lunch as I waited for the doctor to come back........ at last I saw him coming to my bed with the discharge paper, I swallowed suddenly and the toast got stuck.
I tried to ignore it, but could hardly talk to him, I then had to have my dressing changed, I was in agony, not with my op site but with the toast.
I thought the walk down to the car would send it down the rest of the way but it didn't and instead , all the spit (sorry) that I swallowed, couldn't go down and I ended up vomitting up spit by the side of the car, but the toast just stayed there.
So in the end, I went to A&E and told them.
They put me on a heart monitor arrrhhhhhh, all was fine the pain was from the toast, they seemed perplexed.
At last a doctor came but went off to get a muscle relaxant. She was gone ages, I thought I was dying, so started coughing
and burping, the poor guy in the cubicle next to mine had a broken leg and had to listen to my unladylike noises!!!
At last the toast came up.
I asked the nurse if I could go and they said yes but go to my GP as I needed a tube down to see what was going on.............I didn't.
It is all true,
I chew my food until its tiny now but sometimes still get that pain.
I can laugh now!!!!!!

best wishes
Caroline

I started thinking about death and dying on the 5th day after I had my only daughter at age 40 (I'm 48 now)...

It has been with me since then.....along with episodic depression and anxiety.

I believe that my hormones have been out of whack since then and haven't gone back to normal, as I still get days like that...although some days are brighter than others.

My dear old Mum is 83 in June...I think about losing her all the time...even though she is still fit and healthy!
The worst thing about that for me is that I now live in the U.S. and she lives in the U.K....so I miss her dreadfully, but talk with her every couple of days thanks to Vonage (free UK calls!).

I cannot contemplate how I will feel when she is no longer here...how will I cope?....I can't bear to think about it.

I need some humour!!!!

Caz

Ann: You are certainly not alone...thoughts, fears, anxiety, etc about death have plagued the human race forever. It's harder not to worry about it when you feel ill. I have really bad GERD and have gone through all the worries about esophageal cancer, etc, so I know where you are coming from. PM me if you want the ghastly details of my ordeal...it's been going on for years. I've had times where I thought I was having a heart attack but it turned out to be an esophogeal spasm...they're really painful and scary. When I was hooked up to a bunch of wires in the cardiac intensive care unit, I did a lot of thinking about my own mortality.

I don't know what I'm really afraid of...that there won't be anything after we leave this world, or that there will, and I won't end up in a good place. It's so important to me now to "be a good person." Little things mean a lot...this will probably sound stupid, but here's an example: my husband went to the store yesterday to buy some painting supplies for me; I'm refinishing some furniture. He handed me this fancy paintbrush and proudly announced that the brush and the handle came in two separate pieces...the salesgirl should have charged him separately for each, but she didn't, so in reality, he got away without paying for the brush. Normally I wouldn't have given this a second thought, but for some reason it reallly bothered me. I mean...he stole the brush--which is wrong, right? He thought I was making a big deal out of something really little, but to me, it didn't matter if the item cost one dollar or one hundred dollars. He didn't pay for it, and that's wrong, and well...somewhere down the line, I think we pay for transgressions like this.

So he ended up going back to the store and paying for the stupid brush. He did it reluctantly, but when he came back, he actually told me that he had time to think about it in the car, and decided that even though it was a small thing, it was important. My grandfather used to tell me that the most important thing in the world was your integrity...and that ultimately, we would all be judged that way.

I hope I don't sound like a complete nut. I think about death a lot. It scares me...I just hope that when I'm a lot older, I will be more at peace with the idea...

Geez, what a nightmare! I'm glad you don't get that any longer! So far, I haven't had anything that extreme.

It's the same with my mom, Caz...she does have the beginning stages of Emphysema, so she's not in perfect health, but she's still active. I just keep projecting and I have to figure out a way to just stop already. I am starting to consider anti-depressants/anxiety meds. It seems like such a waste of time to keep up this psychological torture. At least I live very close to my mom- it would be very difficult if we were separated geographically like you and your mom are.

You don't sound like a nut to me. Partially, I think my fear stems from having no belief in an afterlife, but I have many devoutly religious relatives who also fear death- so maybe it's just a human thing. The fact that I am rather suddenly feeling so badly is contributing to this morbid way of thinking, at least in part. I just don't want to do what my maternal grandfather did and spend the last forty years of my life waiting to die.

Back from the doctor's office. She is putting me on Prilosec. If that doesn't work, I have to have an endoscopy. She reassured me that although the discomfort is major, it does not equate into a dangerous situation. Also, she gave me the phone number of my insurance company's mental health department. I think I'll get some counseling and meds again. I have been on them in the past and they've been very helpful...looks like I'm at that place again.

Yes, I am going through this now. It has bothered me before but more so now. I am 54 and having some health issues. My younger brother passed away last January and I am still having a hard time with that. It's either the age we are or menopausal. My husband does not seem to be bothered by it and he had a heart attack 4 yrs ago. If he does, he does not show it. Having anxiety about everything does not help. It does help to come here and read the message boards and find out I am not alone in all of this. Pam

Sorry about the above! Yes I know what you mean - it just seems to be one thing after another. I too recently had very bad heartburn/acid and had a baruim meal test. Fortunately I didn't have a Hiatus Hernia nor could they see anything untoward such as acid reflux. I do now feel a lot better with that provided I don't bend down after eating a meal!! Now I have sore aching joints - Hey Ho. I hope that you soon feel better with the acid etc. I agree that all these symptoms make us feel aware that we are getting older and think of our mortality. I'm hoping that things eventually settle down for us all and that we don't appear to be aging as rapidly as we feel we are during menopause.

Sky

I am envious of people like your husband, who seem to have a nervous system made of steel. I wish I were made of sturdier stuff! I agree, it very much does help to come here and see we're not alone. This site is a great resource.

I'm hoping things settle down, too. It's weird to suddenly be having these health issues- I'd never had heartburn before in my life! I can't believe that all of the discomfort I'd been experiencing has a fairly simple explanation and cure. Yesterday and today, I have had no symptoms, so I'm hoping that things will clear up now. Today I'll pick up my anti-depressant and start on that, too. I hope that it will help my gloomy disposition!

Yeah I know funny thing is that my sister went through this and I gave her advice she recently gave me now "you are wasting your life worrying about something that probably wont happen. do you want to find after 30 years you have wasted all those years?" that is what I told her and now I find myself in the same position!! Much like your grandfather. I agree with you and hope it is a passing phase! My sister seems to have gotten past it so I am hoping. I had 3 mammograms in about 9 months. The dr. who gave me a breast exam said I think I feel a mass but it's probably just normal changes and that threw me into months of ups and downs. I still worry to this day. When I am like relaxing I used to have this calm and peaceful kind of "warm" feeling but now that is usually gone and replaced by a doom and gloom feeling!! so I do know how you feel It's like once your mid 40's your just waiting for something bad to happnen! I am hoping this is a hormone related thing!!
thanks for bringing this up cuz I know it has helped me feel I am not alone!!

A quick update:

The prilosec has not made any sort of difference in the weird, gagging or "stuck" sensation in my esophagus. I am waiting for a call from GI so I can set up an endoscopy. In the meantime, my doctor is putting me on Aciphex. Whatever that is. I'm still freaking out, assuming I have cancer or something terrible. Has anybody here gone through the same thing? What was your diagnosis?

Thanks...

You poor thing. There is nothing quite as bad as difficulty swallowing or strange feelings in the throat. Gerd can cause all sorts of problems in the oesphagus. Then the mind steps in and makes everything ten times worse. I just wonder if you are suffering Globus Hystericas which is common in ladies of our age. I think that you really need to have your mind put at rest. I wonder, have you ever taken anti-anxiety medication and did that help with the problem?

Regards,

XIII

Hi! I just started back on Celexa...it's been a few years since I've taken it. Anxiety/depression has been a reoccurring issue for me in my adult life. Of course, starting a med causes all sorts of anxiety for me, as I imagine every side effect to be happening to me- it actually causes me more anxiety until it kicks in. Globus Hystericas...I have never heard of it, so I looked it up. There does seem to be some throat involvement in my weird esophageal stuff, but it also manifests as a "stuck" sensation behind my sternum. I don't know if that's the same thing as GH. At any rate, I've got an endoscopy arranged for late June. It's weird, because I don't get "acid" stomach or have any stomach upset. Also, there doesn't seem to be any pattern to it. I can eat a meal for breakfast and get the sensation for hours after...and eat the same breakfast the next day with no issues whatsoever. I guess I'll know in a month or so. Thanks for your response!

Hi there,
This does sound more like a motility problem with the oesphagus than GH. I really do think that peri affects motility of the gut. I had a friend who discovered that she had a hiatus hernia at this time. She was plagued with symptoms. She is now post menopausal and has had few problems since her hormones stabilised. Good luck with the investigations. Let us know how it goes.


Kind regards,


XIII

Hi Ann - I too get this to where I don't feel like the food it going down and it feels better when it comes up. At this rate I really should be losing weight and I'm not. I have read that poor digestion, a lack of lactose can cause gastrointestinal distress. I know that I have to chew everything into the tiniest pieces and eat very slow - all a good thing I guess.
Bobbi

My symptoms haven't been that severe lately. Unfortunately I have been losing weight from this issue and I don't have a lot of "reserve" to spare. The celexa is kicking in and I'm feeling better in the anxiety/depression department. I'm just hanging in there until late June, when I have my endoscopy.

I think about my own mortality far more often than I care to admit. Every time I get a new symptom or a new combination of symptoms, my mind starts working overtime and obsesses about it - I worry that I have some terminal disease. The more I worry, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the more I worry. It's a horrible cycle.

The last time went to the ER I had digestive problems and just KNEW that I was dying. In my mind, there was no other outcome. It was horrible and I wasted so much time on those negative thoughts.

In the past I would google my symptoms and read everything I could. Now, I avoid doing that because it only adds to my anxiety and obsessive thoughts.

I really have to consciously try to remain calm and level headed when peri symptoms flare up, because my natural tendency is to overreact. I haven't eliminated these thoughts totally, but I am getting better at it.

I think about death almost all of the time since my mum died. Mum seemed afraid and it makes me think about what it would be like to be in that situation. Ugh. I too, had terrible heartburn and a bubble-like pressure in my chest which didn't respond to any meds - turned out to be gastroparesis. I am not diabetic and don't know why I have developed this, but it is nasty. I can eat very little these days and fear it getting worse in the future.