Hello Everyone,

I just want to vent...and then I'll sit quietly and read all the posts. But I must vent...first! My husband drives me insane. We've been fighting the last few days so I've not had to worry about sex all that much, but the minute we make up, BAM!! It's in the bedroom! I keep trying to explain to him that I am not the dynamo I was even 10 years ago and that although I'm sure it's difficult for him, he needs to "back off," for a bit where sex is concerned. I get the "Yes, treatment," but that's just lip service until we get home and then the pressure is on. Giving in is finally better than the badgering and then I feel both angy for giving in and guilty for not being more turned on. He's a fantastic lover, wonderful husband and father yet...I can still hate him relatively easy. I doesn't take all that much these days and I don't think that he "get's it." I think he "thinks" that he "get's it," and I think that he thinks that I think "he get's it." But...he don't get it.

As I lie there in the bed while he dozed I thought to myself...if the world had nothing but women "judges" or "juries," who had experience with menopause or perhaps not, just the fact that they're women. We would do NO time for strangling a man. Scott Free we would be!! And as I looked at him sleeping I actually thought to myself, "I could hit him right now, in the head with the paperweight on the bedside table...he'd never expect it."

It's for sure now...I'm nuts!

Oh Gosh you mad me laugh!

Once had a old lady tell me> Honey the best way the get through menopause you ask? I dump my husband>>>the BUM!
I could nap when I want, eat when I want and the best part>he wasn't around to pester me for sex!

Maybe you had to be there but she was soooooo funny!

There was a wonderful line in the movie Something to Talk About with Julia Roberts and Dennis Quiad. Quaid was the philandering husband. Julia, the wife was counciled by her Gran. I wish I could remember the line, but it was something along the lines of Sometimes, dear, food prepared with sub-lethal doses of lethal substances can teach a man a valuable lesson.

Meno. No memory what so #$*& ever.

I understand exactly 1000%!!!!!

LOL CAN I BORROW YOUR PAPER WEIGHT!!! KINDA MAD AT MY HUBBY AT THE MOMENT!!!!

Where do we go to change the font for these post? I like your size baby hehehhehe

Continued...

So tonight we went out to dinner. Red Lobster (I love the Tilapia) and he ordered wine (unusual since he's no drinker). And we had a wonderful dinner, and so I thought since we were both in a good mood that it would be a good time to have the "sex talk." So I began with, "Honey, I need to speak with you very seriously about your libido and how it far exceeds mine at this time." And he says, "Uh yeah, why don't you have another glass of wine." So I pressed further and said, "The thing is I'm really struggling with your desire and how it's still proceeding at normal pace but I have a profound lack of." (If you notice I'm trying to be polite and not say, "touch me again and you'll pull back a stump"). Instead he says, "Here, let me pour a glass for you," and so I finally said, "Hey, what's with all the wine?" Then he said, "I remembered last night when you said you were struggling with the sex part of our relationship that wine always made you horny and full of desire." So I was like, "Yeah well that was then, now it just makes me have hot flashes and I get diarrhea." He was not impressed and seemed to be quite fixated on the idea of getting me sloshed. Finally, I said to him, "You're not listening, it's not that I don't love you it's just that I don't "want" to have sex as often as you want to." His response? "Drink some more wine." I felt there may be an argument coming on for I felt my face go hot and my eyes began to shoot laser beams, and I realized that I may actually kill him in the restaurant with his lobster fork. I considered the whole "cutting his heart out with a spoon" scenario? Only because I knew it would hurt more that way...

But finally I understood. He's stupid.

OMG Krissy......you are just toooooo funny and you saved the best line for last.....'but finally I understood. He's stupid.' LMboooobersO!!!

My past waning sexual libido issues with me sig other ranged from laughing hysterically during the deed, to being totally repulsed by the touch of his hand anywhere on my body. I definitely preferred the laughing hysterically part but I'm not so sure he did, so I would try to stiffle it and that would make me laugh all the more and I think I may have had a laughing orgasm .......sa-weet and silly, vhut fun!!

As a now seasoned Crone (look it up ) I can say that for the most part, my libido has returned to the point of enjoying sex again......BUT.......it did take some 'splainin' to get my lovely mate to understand the horror-monal hell I was going through on oh so many levels. He had no choice but to understand once I unleashed the raging beast from within.....poor guy....makes me feel kinda sorry for him......

Good luck with yer sex machine, tell him he may need to unplug for awhile........(insert James Brown scream here.....)


booboolena

To change fonts highlight what you write out by left mouse clicking it then go up into the square box abovethat has a size in in it and change fonts. do color same way but insted hit the A button above..

Krissy......Can I borrow your hubby for a while?? I have the opposite problem. Mine decided many years ago he didn't want to have sex anymore. PERIOD. He developed ED in the early 90's and refused to see a Dr. about it. So eventually he just accepted it, and he expected me to do the same. I have begged, pleaded, bribed, and cried too many tears over the years. So here we are, sleeping in the same bed (king) keeping to our own sides. A boyfriend was never an option for me. My life is way too busy taking care of our youngest daughter (she's handicapped). I'm sorry to ramble on, but there are times when I miss sex so much it hurts. I remember what it felt like for him to want me. The "look" on his face. The smile. I think what hurts the most is the fact that NOT ONCE did I ever tell him no, yet it seems SO EASY for him to expect me to live this way. Sorry for spilling my guts.


Paula

OK, ladies! i am too far away to do anything but YOU need to get the lobster fork out of krissy's hand and get paula's hubby to a doctor.

seriously, paula, is your husband on any medications that are doing this? is he having problems with either his BP or blood sugar?

Paula,

I read your response earlier today and then wanted a chance to think on it before I replied. I tend to be really direct. My children have a saying around the house which goes, "Mum, you can make a point without stabbing us with it." So, I wanted to make sure I wasn't offensive. (Which I may still be, so forgive me.) I don't lie that my husband's libido wears me down to a small reflection of who I used to be. I knew when he and I met that he had a HUGE libido. For the first year it was not uncommon for us to have sex as much as six times a day. He had been married before and his wife was not very tolerant where sex was concerned. She considered it her "duty," and the only way she felt that she could conceive which she did 6 times. None of them were children that she wanted...only children she felt it was her "duty" to have. Other than times of contraception, according to my husband, she never wanted sex, and he felt starved. When I met him he was a man living on the edge and for a long time, he was consumed with sex. Thank God my libido matched his or he would have put me in my grave. But with the sweet...comes the sour.

I'm a few years older than hubby, and between us we have 10 kids. He had custody of all of his and I of course had mine. The youngest one is handicapped too. He's "functional" but he's also a full time job. He goes to school and attends a special class but I have to be at home every afternoon when he gets here, and then my "other" full time job starts. So I literally work two jobs, and both of them stressful and consuming. Now here's where the tide turned for me...

One day my husband and I got into a HUGE fight. He said, "Let me see if I have this right. You don't want to have sex but I do, and it's "okay" if you don't because you're the "keeper of the kingdom" so I have to find other means to relieve myself, and that's fair?" I had to acknowlege that NO it wasn't fair that he had to acquiece to me when I wasn't in the mood, but I felt that I didn't have to acquiece to him. I finally determined that I could NO longer work two jobs and I went and got assistance for my step-son. They come three times a week and give respite help so that I can get my "other" chores done. My point is that if you want sex, why are you saying that it's "okay" for your husband to simply "force" you to accept the fact that he doesn't care whether he has sex or not? In essence, what he is saying is that you have to accept the fact that he won't have sex or you have to find your relief\], elsewhere. You say that an "affair" is out of the question and my question to you is..."why are you accepting this as your lot in life or burden to bear?" If it were me (and I'm only speaking for myself), and I loved my husband I would give him an ultimatum (as we are so often given when the situation is reversed). Either he gets help or you will get pleasure elsewhere. There's a catch to that though...he must understand that if he accepts your having sex with others, he must also accept that you may fall in love with someone else and want to start a life with that person. If you think it's "okay" the way things are, then you've accepted your life and as my mum used to say, "You made your bed, so lie in it."

The point I'm trying to make is this: I love my husband, but because I'm going thru as transition in my life, I may not want to have sex as much as he does which leads to frustration on both our parts. Your husband (from what I understand) has accepted that he may never have sex again and it's either alright with you, or you're going to have to find other means of satisfaction? I'm sorry. I guess I come from the old school. No man controls me or my destiny. You are allowing your husband to keep you at home without pleasure as well as without support. If you miss sex that much, it's up to you to either talk to your hubby and have him find a medical solution or you need to begin looking out for yourself. It's a hard decision and I'll be praying for you. The only piece of advice that I can give is that one day your handicapped child will have to rely on someone else for her care...where will you be once that decision is made? For me, I determined that although I love my son, I could not devote my life to him. I had to live too.

K

Krissy,

I've had time to think about what I wrote and I truly apologize. I should have never posted what I did. I don't expect anyone here to "fix" my problem. My husband is a complicated man with lots of problems and his ED is the result. He had Diabetes and high blood pressure which I'm sure is part of the cause. He's 60 and I'm almost 54. We've been married almost 30 years now. I didn't mean to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. Most of the time, I don't even think about it at all. Then there are times when I can't get it off my mind. I saw your post and "wished I was in your shoes for just a little while." Then I realized I should be careful what I wish for. People tend to think "the grass is greener on the other side." Once again, I'm sorry.


Paula

i'm not sure i should be in on this conversation between you two but my heart goes out to you both. my DH is eight years older than me and sometimes i can feel the difference (not just in this area, but at times when i am full of energy and ready to go do something fun and he would be very content to stretch out and relax everyone tells me that i am a young 47 and as a nurse, i look at my DH health issues (and the fact that he grew up in india and had a tougher life becuz of that than i did) and think he is older than his age. THEN there are times when all of my issues hit me and i feel more like i am on Krissy's side of the fence wishing he would just go away and leave me alone for awhile!

i really like this board and find it to be so helpful. i like the fact that people can come and post and express what is on their hearts, even if that can change (like most things do moment to moment sometimes even!) during peri. i also like how it makes us think (and HELPS us to think.....) even when we all know that we can't "fix" anything about many of these situations, it is still good to know that the board is here becuz it helps us think.......

hugs to you both from my side of the globe!

Paula,

I thought about what I had written for a long time last night and was frustrated with myself. Sometimes the only time I stop talking is to take one foot out of my mouth and insert the other.

I have NO idea what is going on in your life and certainly have no room to give advice on anything. My whole life right now is a series of disappointments, heartbreak and misery with a wee bit of happiness mixed in. The only point I was trying to make and perhaps I was trying to make it to myself too is that we are only given this one life and then that is it. I desperately want to be happy and fulfilled in the latter part of my life. I'm 46 years-old and I've spent my entire life having and raising either my kids or someone elses. I can tell you now, I am no martyr and I do not want to spend the rest of my life giving to others. I want to live too and I think I have the right to demand happiness and contentment in whatever form I can find it. Either thru loving relationships, sexual relationships, casual relationships, all of them combined or no relationship at all. I guess at this age I'm finally understanding that I have given my entire life so far to my children, and now I want a bit of happiness for myself. You are right when you said that your life and your hubby are complex and please do not be sorry for venting or expressing yourself. This is the right place to do just that thing! I had no right to try to tell you how to "fix" things and truly needed to support you instead of give advice. Sometimes I'm thick as a plank.

I understand however the complexities of having a handicapped child and I struggle with that. He cannot do many things and relies heavily on his family to help him. Some days he's a blessing and other days, he's a burden and I don't mean that in any way other than deep in my heart for what kind of person would I be if I stated that it was "all worth it?" Some days, it's simply all I can do to get out of bed and face the day.

We are all in this world together just trying to fight our way thru. You'd give anything for hubby to touch you in passion and desire and I'd give anything for my hubby to back-off and let me breathe. Each of us are having to endure the same thing though and that is menopause and mid-life. It seems you've been doing a wonderful job thus far. You've obviously worked hard at a long and supportive marriage. That's something to be really proud of! For me, I have to dig down deep inside almost daily to find a reason to "stick it out." I'll be thinking of you and hoping and praying that things get better!!