We have a son that is 15. He has been a challenge for years and years. He is strong willed so say the least. He has some talent in brains and sports but he won't apply himself. He is now failing in school (again) and doesn't seem to care about his future. We have been dealing with this for years. Ever since middle school he has hated school and even at times has refused to go. It's a struggle every day to get him out the door. He has been seen by experts over the years and has been diagnosed to have depression. We've tried almost every drug allowed and nothing seems to help. He has also been to various counselors and no one has made a connection that has had an impact on him. He has an IEP at school and they do what they can but it's not enough to help either.
This week he tried out for the highschool golf team. He has some talent there. We were hopeful that if he made the team he might step up his school activites and feel proud and feel like a part of it all. After the 4th day of tryouts he walked off the course and quit. I do understand the frustration because they had to golf with really bad weather---winds up to 30 mph, sleet, snow and a driving rain. He was soaked to the core. Still, he gave up.
Now to top it off he is overweight and the last few months been putting on even more weight. He has gained 30 lbs since Sept. I'm so sad about that.
What advice do you have for me? What else can we do?
Full Version: Raising children can be so disappointing.......
Unfortunately there is no magic answer. I have to tell you that middle school is one of the hardest transistions under the best circumstances and if he has been diagnosed with depression then it is even a harder time in his life. He may be struggling with unacceptance by other kids and believe me, kids can be pretty cruel to their peers. For some reason they will focus on those that are different in any way and can make their lives absolute hell.
Have you talked to the school, his teachers, staff members, etc to ask them to keep an eye out during the day to see what is going on? Perhaps it happened in middle school without him telling anyone and now the anger and frustration have built up over the years. Some kids have such difficulty sharing their feelings with others or they may feel that they should be able to handle it themselves. I am not saying that this is what has happened but it is just a possibility.
You say he is overweight and continuing to gain weight. So many of the antidepressants cause weight gain and perhaps that could be the cause. Or perhaps he is using food to fill the void he is feeling. I have a 34 year old daughter who has Aspergers who uses food for comforting. She too is overweight and has been most of her life.
Please continue to work with him and keep trying to find the right therapist to work with him and they keep coming up with so many new medications for depression and hopefully they will find one that works for him. Have you tried family counseling as well? For those of us who have suffered with depression as adults it is a tough road. You can only imagine what it must be for a young teen.
And most important.......Love him and let him know that you love him. He may not show you but he needs to know that you love him (even if he cannot tell you it back) and try not to show him that you are disappointed in him because that will just erode his already low self esteem. We have four daughters and we went through some really rough times with three of them. Our youngest suffers with depression and panic attacks but that only came after she struggled in the drug scene the last three years of high school. We went to countless counseling sessions and drug rehab, etc. What we did find was that the drug use was perhaps her way of trying to mask the depression she was suffering that we did not realize she was suffering with. Today at 23 she is on Lexapro and doing very well. She is working full time and back to the person we knew when she was younger. The one thing we continued to tell her throughout all this was that we loved her and always would. There were certain behaviors that we told her disappointed us but we continued to tell her that we would not give up on her and we would love her even though she did not seem to love herself at the time.
This is really tough time on all of you. Please keep the faith and know that it does get better. When, I don't know but it defintiely does. When you are going through it you wonder if you will survive it but you do and I pray that you will have as happy an outcome as we did.
Hugs to you and your family,
Gramz
Have you talked to the school, his teachers, staff members, etc to ask them to keep an eye out during the day to see what is going on? Perhaps it happened in middle school without him telling anyone and now the anger and frustration have built up over the years. Some kids have such difficulty sharing their feelings with others or they may feel that they should be able to handle it themselves. I am not saying that this is what has happened but it is just a possibility.
You say he is overweight and continuing to gain weight. So many of the antidepressants cause weight gain and perhaps that could be the cause. Or perhaps he is using food to fill the void he is feeling. I have a 34 year old daughter who has Aspergers who uses food for comforting. She too is overweight and has been most of her life.
Please continue to work with him and keep trying to find the right therapist to work with him and they keep coming up with so many new medications for depression and hopefully they will find one that works for him. Have you tried family counseling as well? For those of us who have suffered with depression as adults it is a tough road. You can only imagine what it must be for a young teen.
And most important.......Love him and let him know that you love him. He may not show you but he needs to know that you love him (even if he cannot tell you it back) and try not to show him that you are disappointed in him because that will just erode his already low self esteem. We have four daughters and we went through some really rough times with three of them. Our youngest suffers with depression and panic attacks but that only came after she struggled in the drug scene the last three years of high school. We went to countless counseling sessions and drug rehab, etc. What we did find was that the drug use was perhaps her way of trying to mask the depression she was suffering that we did not realize she was suffering with. Today at 23 she is on Lexapro and doing very well. She is working full time and back to the person we knew when she was younger. The one thing we continued to tell her throughout all this was that we loved her and always would. There were certain behaviors that we told her disappointed us but we continued to tell her that we would not give up on her and we would love her even though she did not seem to love herself at the time.
This is really tough time on all of you. Please keep the faith and know that it does get better. When, I don't know but it defintiely does. When you are going through it you wonder if you will survive it but you do and I pray that you will have as happy an outcome as we did.
Hugs to you and your family,
Gramz
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply Gramz. It means a lot to hear from other parents. Life is hard at times and today is just another one of those days.......
Tela,
I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time and that your son has to go through this kind of thing at his young age. That can be so hard. Middle school and high school can be tough for kids, especially if they are different in any way.
Gramz had a lot of great thoughts. I have just a couple of thoughts to add.
You might also consider a big brother program for him. They would assign him a big brother that he could build a relationship with, someone to be with, talk with, be a friend to, etc. This might be particularly helpful if he is not too involved with friends of his own.
I also wanted to ask if learning disabilities were ever suspected? I noted that you said your son was a smart boy. Learning disabilities can sometimes be hard to detect because these kids are typically above average in intelligence, and consequently some can hide their difficulties very well, yet they may have an underlying perceptual issue that makes learning difficult and so it often comes out in behaviors like not wanting to go to school, appearing lazy rather than able, etc. With the right remedial approach, the child can get past this and back on the road to success.
You may have a tough road ahead, but like Gramz said, always let him know that you love him not matter what (which I'm sure that you already do). Depression can be devastating for a young person.
God, can I relate! My dh is 15 and middle school was hell. She is now a freshman, and is also in marching band. The turnaround has been miraculous and I am grateful every day.
We went through years of hard times to get to this point. After trying several counselors we finally found one she didn't strenuously object to, and she was also put on Zoloft. It took months of this routine before we felt we were on solid ground. Keep trying. Ask around for recommendations for a psychiatrist who works mainly with adolescents. If medication is suggested, give it a chance. It took several months for the Zoloft to kick in, but once it did, the effects were dramatic. The counseling helped her make changes in her life that will continue to benefit her long after the meds are discontinued, which probably won't happen for another year.
Hang in there and don't give up. Let your son know each and every day that you will be there no matter what, and that you aren't giving up, either. Don't forget to take care of yourself in all this. You matter, too!
We went through years of hard times to get to this point. After trying several counselors we finally found one she didn't strenuously object to, and she was also put on Zoloft. It took months of this routine before we felt we were on solid ground. Keep trying. Ask around for recommendations for a psychiatrist who works mainly with adolescents. If medication is suggested, give it a chance. It took several months for the Zoloft to kick in, but once it did, the effects were dramatic. The counseling helped her make changes in her life that will continue to benefit her long after the meds are discontinued, which probably won't happen for another year.
Hang in there and don't give up. Let your son know each and every day that you will be there no matter what, and that you aren't giving up, either. Don't forget to take care of yourself in all this. You matter, too!
I'll chime in - middle school is H**L. It was for my DD and she's a great kid. That and the hormone changes and she was pretty depressed for a couple years. Once she got to a good high school things got better.
I also don't have any magic answers I can only tell you what we did with my son. He is 10 and bright and lazy. He tries to take the least possible effort route. In addition, he too is getting overweight. He has a difficult time at school because he doesn't like the same thing as other boys.
Two years ago we enrolled him in Karate at the recommendation of a friend. We wanted it for the discipline and respect (as he had little). Martial arts also promotes self esteem and he really needs this. Now my son, daughter and I all go. It has helped me to learn more about his life and understand him. Plus it is something we all have in common now. I also volunteer at his school once a month so I can see the life he has to live every day.
I still have a lot of challenges with my son. He is so bright that he can figure out how to get away with most anything and it drives me nuts. Your son doesn't sound much different. Does his school have a gifted or gate program? I'd also agree with the recommendations for counselling, however be careful. Try to find one that practices cognitive behavioral therapy.
Let us know how it goes.
I also don't have any magic answers I can only tell you what we did with my son. He is 10 and bright and lazy. He tries to take the least possible effort route. In addition, he too is getting overweight. He has a difficult time at school because he doesn't like the same thing as other boys.
Two years ago we enrolled him in Karate at the recommendation of a friend. We wanted it for the discipline and respect (as he had little). Martial arts also promotes self esteem and he really needs this. Now my son, daughter and I all go. It has helped me to learn more about his life and understand him. Plus it is something we all have in common now. I also volunteer at his school once a month so I can see the life he has to live every day.
I still have a lot of challenges with my son. He is so bright that he can figure out how to get away with most anything and it drives me nuts. Your son doesn't sound much different. Does his school have a gifted or gate program? I'd also agree with the recommendations for counselling, however be careful. Try to find one that practices cognitive behavioral therapy.
Let us know how it goes.
My 15 year old son is way behind at school too! Just can't get him to study or take interest in school work Teachers told me his capable but just too lazy!!!
Then got 18 year old daughter who will not listen to her dad when he tells what time to be home! Caused trouble 3 weekends in a row! Always ends up with me and him not talking for 2-3 days
Got two more son 13 daughter 9 so can just see more trouble for next 10 years!! At a time when all I want is some peace and quiet and some me time for a change!!
Then got 18 year old daughter who will not listen to her dad when he tells what time to be home! Caused trouble 3 weekends in a row! Always ends up with me and him not talking for 2-3 days
Got two more son 13 daughter 9 so can just see more trouble for next 10 years!! At a time when all I want is some peace and quiet and some me time for a change!!
I think that bringing up children these days is an absolute nightmare. All the controls and safeguards that were in operation in our day have been dismantled making secondary education a very scary place to be. The sad thing is that the children may have been given more freedom to grow and express themselves creatively but the lack of discipline has allowed the bullies to take centre stage. For a while I became events photographer for a local school which involved working with the staff and children very closely. I was absolutely amazed at the pressure and the fear that the kids had to cope with every day. Some of those kids were very damaged and unhappy.
I suppose that I wasn't surprised because my children had done their share of suffering at that stage.
My son was a gorgeous little boy. The one that everyone wanted to cuddle but at the age of 13 something went wrong. His educational performance dropped like a stone and he started to make excuses to avoid going to school. We have a great relationship and he was able to tell me what had been going on. I immediately contacted the school but very quickly realised that the school social environment was so badly out of control, they were powerless to protect my son. They then tried to ignore his plight and somehow tried to blame him. It was not until he was badly beaten and I photographed the injuries that they attempted to take notice. To cut a long story short they did nothing to sort out the serial bullying that had spiralled so out of control, that it involved almost a whole class against my son. There was no apparent reason for the fact that he had been singled out for punishment. He is slim, good looking and a very gifted mathematician with enviable fashion sense. He was chosen because he was successful, had a caring family and knew how to give love. Oh dear! What are things coming to?
I realised that I was going to have to move him to a new school because the school said that they could not guarantee his safety from violent attack and he had lost a great deal of weight. My daughter was three years older and when her friends heard about my sons difficulties they took it upon themselves to try and sort the problem. Sadly they achieved their aim with threats of violence against the ring leaders of the problem. My advice to any parent with children of this age is to be aware that in our society today bullying is out of control and needs to be watched out for very carefully, if your child is having problems at school. Remember that schools will often try to bury the problem.
My son was very traumatised by 3 years of hell but has bounced back well with lots of love and support. The most important aspect of his road to recovery was his music. He came to me one day and asked if he could start playing the electric guitar. He took to it like a duck takes to water and is now a very competent musician and writer and a member of a successful band. Bullies eat your heart out!! He went on to achieve 13 GCSEs and 4 'A' levels has trained as a music producer and is about to study electronic engineering at university.
Regards,
XIII
I suppose that I wasn't surprised because my children had done their share of suffering at that stage.
My son was a gorgeous little boy. The one that everyone wanted to cuddle but at the age of 13 something went wrong. His educational performance dropped like a stone and he started to make excuses to avoid going to school. We have a great relationship and he was able to tell me what had been going on. I immediately contacted the school but very quickly realised that the school social environment was so badly out of control, they were powerless to protect my son. They then tried to ignore his plight and somehow tried to blame him. It was not until he was badly beaten and I photographed the injuries that they attempted to take notice. To cut a long story short they did nothing to sort out the serial bullying that had spiralled so out of control, that it involved almost a whole class against my son. There was no apparent reason for the fact that he had been singled out for punishment. He is slim, good looking and a very gifted mathematician with enviable fashion sense. He was chosen because he was successful, had a caring family and knew how to give love. Oh dear! What are things coming to?
I realised that I was going to have to move him to a new school because the school said that they could not guarantee his safety from violent attack and he had lost a great deal of weight. My daughter was three years older and when her friends heard about my sons difficulties they took it upon themselves to try and sort the problem. Sadly they achieved their aim with threats of violence against the ring leaders of the problem. My advice to any parent with children of this age is to be aware that in our society today bullying is out of control and needs to be watched out for very carefully, if your child is having problems at school. Remember that schools will often try to bury the problem.
My son was very traumatised by 3 years of hell but has bounced back well with lots of love and support. The most important aspect of his road to recovery was his music. He came to me one day and asked if he could start playing the electric guitar. He took to it like a duck takes to water and is now a very competent musician and writer and a member of a successful band. Bullies eat your heart out!! He went on to achieve 13 GCSEs and 4 'A' levels has trained as a music producer and is about to study electronic engineering at university.
Regards,
XIII
Dear Tele,
I would like to give some input from the older parents' point of view.
My middle son was "challenging" from the time he was 3 and 1/2. We took him to specialist after specialist, each of whom came up with a different diagnosis. Finally, when he was 10, we took him from DC to Ohio State Univ. where one of the leading authorities in pediatric psychiatry was on staff. She did an entire battery of psychological tests and discovered that my son was depressed and has ADD/ADHD. Oh, and has an IQ in the high 140's. The years that followed were very difficult, as we tried to help him socialize and do well in school.
Skip skip skip.
At age 24, he is now finishing a Bachelors Degree at one of the best universities in the country. An English major, he writes short stories and poetry and has found a nice social circle. He is sensitive and kind way beyond his years. He may have taken a longer route than some other kids his age, but his depth of spirit more than makes up for any time he may have "lost."
Don't give up. Children are amazingly resilient and tend to surprise you more often than not. I suggest complete testing and a top-notch mental health professional. And lots of patience and love. They will more than pay off in the end. For your son and for you.
Warmest regards,
Marcy
I would like to give some input from the older parents' point of view.
My middle son was "challenging" from the time he was 3 and 1/2. We took him to specialist after specialist, each of whom came up with a different diagnosis. Finally, when he was 10, we took him from DC to Ohio State Univ. where one of the leading authorities in pediatric psychiatry was on staff. She did an entire battery of psychological tests and discovered that my son was depressed and has ADD/ADHD. Oh, and has an IQ in the high 140's. The years that followed were very difficult, as we tried to help him socialize and do well in school.
Skip skip skip.
At age 24, he is now finishing a Bachelors Degree at one of the best universities in the country. An English major, he writes short stories and poetry and has found a nice social circle. He is sensitive and kind way beyond his years. He may have taken a longer route than some other kids his age, but his depth of spirit more than makes up for any time he may have "lost."
Don't give up. Children are amazingly resilient and tend to surprise you more often than not. I suggest complete testing and a top-notch mental health professional. And lots of patience and love. They will more than pay off in the end. For your son and for you.
Warmest regards,
Marcy
tela hi,
I'm so sorry that you and your son are going through this.
XII...you are right secondary school can be a very scary place for children.
Both of my daughters went to a good secondary school and felt the pressure to acheive. They also felt the pressure from fellow pupils in the form of bullying.
One daughter was suspended on more than one occassion. She was then refused a place in the sixth form. Needless to say it was a very stressful time for her a worrying and stressful time for me. Bullying took all forms, mental and physical, and my daughter was and is not a shrinking violet, she was attempting to stand up for herself.
My other daughter has received emotional abuse from pupils and quite frankly some of the comments from teachers leave me wondering who is the responsible adult.
They both said that they couldn't wait to leave school.
Now one daughter is settled in to university life, it's a joy and relief for me to see her happy. The other daughter will be on her way to university later in the year and has high hopes for a fresh start.
Having lived through those secondary school years I can really understand the worries and difficulties but hang in there and know that some of the stresses that your child is going through are situational and hopefully once they move on will resolve themselves.
robin
I'm so sorry that you and your son are going through this.
XII...you are right secondary school can be a very scary place for children.
Both of my daughters went to a good secondary school and felt the pressure to acheive. They also felt the pressure from fellow pupils in the form of bullying.
One daughter was suspended on more than one occassion. She was then refused a place in the sixth form. Needless to say it was a very stressful time for her a worrying and stressful time for me. Bullying took all forms, mental and physical, and my daughter was and is not a shrinking violet, she was attempting to stand up for herself.
My other daughter has received emotional abuse from pupils and quite frankly some of the comments from teachers leave me wondering who is the responsible adult.
They both said that they couldn't wait to leave school.
Now one daughter is settled in to university life, it's a joy and relief for me to see her happy. The other daughter will be on her way to university later in the year and has high hopes for a fresh start.
Having lived through those secondary school years I can really understand the worries and difficulties but hang in there and know that some of the stresses that your child is going through are situational and hopefully once they move on will resolve themselves.
robin
I have a minor update on my son: We had him tested with a pschologist this week to check for LD's and depression/ADD/ etc. We will find out in 2 weeks but early results were that he has anxiety. Makes sense why he hates being in school with so many other students.
We are also having his thyroid tested by an endrocrinologist later this month.
After the results of these 2 things we will proceed with getting him the help he needs to function in life and do the best he can with school.
We are also having his thyroid tested by an endrocrinologist later this month.
After the results of these 2 things we will proceed with getting him the help he needs to function in life and do the best he can with school.
QUOTE (tela @ May 3 2008, 09:22 AM) 
I have a minor update on my son: We had him tested with a pschologist this week to check for LD's and depression/ADD/ etc. We will find out in 2 weeks but early results were that he has anxiety. Makes sense why he hates being in school with so many other students.
We are also having his thyroid tested by an endrocrinologist later this month.
After the results of these 2 things we will proceed with getting him the help he needs to function in life and do the best he can with school.
We are also having his thyroid tested by an endrocrinologist later this month.
After the results of these 2 things we will proceed with getting him the help he needs to function in life and do the best he can with school.
Thanks for the update tela. It really sounds like you are doing all you can to help your son. Hang in there--it will pay off. My daughter has been so loving and kind towards me. It makes my heart soar! I can ALMOST forget the hard times we went through. Almost.
Re-read my original response to you--I wrote dh instead of dd. Peri makes my fingers crazy! lol
I hope you are taking time for yourself in all this. Take care!
QUOTE (tela @ May 3 2008, 04:22 PM)
I have a minor update on my son: We had him tested with a pschologist this week to check for LD's and depression/ADD/ etc. We will find out in 2 weeks but early results were that he has anxiety. Makes sense why he hates being in school with so many other students.
We are also having his thyroid tested by an endrocrinologist later this month.
After the results of these 2 things we will proceed with getting him the help he needs to function in life and do the best he can with school.
We are also having his thyroid tested by an endrocrinologist later this month.
After the results of these 2 things we will proceed with getting him the help he needs to function in life and do the best he can with school.
tela hi again
If he's suffering with anxiety it must be so difficult for him to deal with the social and academic pressures.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you tela that things work out for you and your son.
hugs
robin
Tela,
I'm so happy that you are moving forward with this to see first, if there is something biologically or mentally wrong and then proceeding with an action plan to help your son through this difficult time in his life. As a parent when we see our children hurting or we see others being unkind to our children, our first instinct is to protect them. Your son is very lucky to have you in his life.....one who is willing to work with him and do whatever it takes to help him through this. Keep us informed and know that many of us have been right where you are now and we are here to be loving and supportive of you.
Hugs,
Gramz
I'm so happy that you are moving forward with this to see first, if there is something biologically or mentally wrong and then proceeding with an action plan to help your son through this difficult time in his life. As a parent when we see our children hurting or we see others being unkind to our children, our first instinct is to protect them. Your son is very lucky to have you in his life.....one who is willing to work with him and do whatever it takes to help him through this. Keep us informed and know that many of us have been right where you are now and we are here to be loving and supportive of you.
Hugs,
Gramz
The people on this web site are the BEST! Thank you.
Hi
I was so caught up in my own personal problems, that I completely missed this thread. This past year has been just terrible for my son and our family. I can relate 100 percent to your plight. I too have a 15 year old teenager that is struggling with anxiety and depression. He is now on Celexa for depression and I hope it will help him. He sees a psychologist at his school and is on a waiting list for a psychiatrist. He failed grade 10, and is now in a different learning environment. I think it is a better working environment for him too. He receives more one on one interaction with teachers, which he needs. He is bright too. We should start a support group! I can't really find people in my community that really understand this situation...or want to talk about it anyway. I felt some reassurance here reading all that people wrote.
Thank you,
Suzanne
I was so caught up in my own personal problems, that I completely missed this thread. This past year has been just terrible for my son and our family. I can relate 100 percent to your plight. I too have a 15 year old teenager that is struggling with anxiety and depression. He is now on Celexa for depression and I hope it will help him. He sees a psychologist at his school and is on a waiting list for a psychiatrist. He failed grade 10, and is now in a different learning environment. I think it is a better working environment for him too. He receives more one on one interaction with teachers, which he needs. He is bright too. We should start a support group! I can't really find people in my community that really understand this situation...or want to talk about it anyway. I felt some reassurance here reading all that people wrote.
Thank you,
Suzanne
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.