In a few months I will turn 52. In all those years, my father never once told me he loved me. He never read me a bed time story or went to a PTA meeting or taught me to ride a bike or attend my high school graduation. He DID beat my mother, and on a few occasions me, had an affair with my best friend's mother, and neglected to pay child support after divorcing my mother. He never, ever apologized for any of the crap he pulled, and I came to realize he never would. I forgave him and finally came to a point where I had closure. This conversation took place about 20 years ago. We never spoke to each other again.

He died Wednesday night.

I feel sadness that one of my parents is gone, but I feel more sadness for the relationship we never had. He was not capable of being any kind of father to me. I hope he is at peace now and I hope my sisters and our mother can finally heal.

I spent a lot of time keeping people at arm's length so they couldn't hurt me the way my father did. I hope I can spend the second half of my life letting people back in.

Chocolatewomen,
What a sad life you have had.

Your childhood not a happy one by the sound of it. My heart goes out to you for all the pain you must have in your heart.

Im sorry to hear about the loss of your Father. Its a shame you didnt speak to you him before he died.

I hope he is now at Peace and that you, Your Mother and Sisters can get on with your lives.

Try to remember the good times if there were any with your father.

Time heals all or so the saying goes.

I hope that you are finding the courage to cary on day by day?

Having lost my Mother 3 years ago I know what its like to loose a parent. Its not easy but it does get better with time.

Take some time out for yourself if you can?

Take Care. From Deb

chocolatewoman: I have a bad parent too...but it's my mother. I often wonder what I'll feel like when she dies. My heart goes out to you...be good to yourself.

Dear Chocolatewoman,

Despite the relationship, or lack of with your Father, I am still sorry you have suffered this loss. Please accept my condolences. I know where you are coming from emotionally, and part of that is that those of us who suffer a loss of a parent that is neglectful or abusive, and by loss I mean by any means, are fully aware that we will never, ever have any closure on why this happened. And it is my opinion that this is why the grief and sadness is so deep.

So above all, my heart goes out to you for what you cannot have, but at the same time I see a strong woman that will one day emerge from this sadness far stronger for what she has suffered.

Give yourself lots of time, and I hope you realize you are grieving, its just different from how others grieve a 'good parent', and I do know the pain of this.

Sincerely,
Viktoria

I'm so sorry about your father, Chocolatewoman. Both my parents are dead now, and neither one of them were cut out to be a parent. It takes so much work to be a good parent, and neither one of them had the interest nor the health to be real parents. My father was plagued by alcoholism and sickness, and my mother had mental instability. I know what mixed feelings you have about the past. Some people just can't do the right thing for their family--I think both my parents were very immature, even though they were both over 40 when they had me. I don't think either one every grew up, and couldn't control their impulses. I honestly don't know if I can forgive either one for the past. I think I just accepted their faults, and knew I didn't have a prayer of changing either one, and tried to hold things together as best as possible.

I've realized, too (finally, at age 48!) that it's very difficult for me to trust people, and get close to them, after what I've been through. Our past was so difficult that my siblings and I don't communicate at all now, after mother's death. The extreme dysfunction just tore us all apart, and my mother's death left us all feeling quite raw, I believe, about the past. I do hope your family can heal now.

So try not to dwell on your father's past--just move forward with your family. For my mother's eulogy I wrote that I hoped she found peace, also. Let's hope we can find some peace, too.

Frisbee

Chocolatewoman,

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father but boy do I relate to this.
My parents seperated when I was 2 ys old and I never knew my father, as far as I know he never made any effort to contact myself and my brother, so have no idea what having a father is all about.
In our 40,s my brother and myself traced him and my brother met him. I was supposed too but at the last minute couldn't face it, although I did write to him a few times but not one of his letters ever said he cared about me and I guess thats what I was looking for from him.
He has died now and I never felt a thing. I then went on a guilt trip because of the way I was feeling but in the end decided it was okay for me to feel this way and decided to forgive myself for it, so the guilt part stopped.

What made things worse, if I had been left with a caring parent , my mother, things may have been different but unfortunately my mother turned to alchohol and my childhood was a complete mess. (emotional and physical abuse and neglect)
If it wasn't for a wonderful grandmother, I don't know where I would be now.
I ended up leaving home at 16, married a wonderful man at 18 and have 2 lovely daughters. I made sure they have never had to suffer on ounce of what I did and now both in their 30,s I am so proud of them.
I think that's how I coped with things, was to make dam sure, that my kids had a normal and happy life.

When my mother died, I again had felt no grief, although I had been with her for some of her hospital stay.
She had plenty of time to say sorry and put things right, but it never came and I don't think it ever would have.
I knew in the end, that I didn't love her and again dealt with any guilt for forgiving myself for feeling like this.

Now 10 years on, I feel so annoyed about both of them, having children and not looking after them.
I would give my life for my kids and my grandchildren.
I feel I have won through and am a better person than both of my parents had ever been.
They left me with anxiety about life as I never feel very secure, but its a small price to pay for the lovely life (except for peri LOL) I have now.

So Chocolate woman, grieve yes, but for what your Father might have been, the sad thing is he wasn't that person and they never change.
Look to your life now, I don't know if you have children, but if you do, celebrate them and your life and most of all be happy.


(((hugs))) Caroline

I have not one single good memory of my father. This is no exaggeration. He never said a kind word to me or participated in my life at all. I had no stability or peace in my childhood until he left. I feel no guilt about ending our relationship, as we never had one. He caused pain and heartache for everyone who ever knew him and we had no love for each other. I'm thankful my mother finally married a decent and caring man. My step father is a good person and I take comfort in that. Thank you for you condolences.

(((((chocolate woman))))),

i am so sorry in every way. a loss like this can so highlight the pain & losses that you have had to bear over time with this, with him. i only hope that within the pain is perhaps a greater path to the healing that you have already clearly embarked on.

peace, hugs, xo,
ellen

So sorry, Chocolatewoman.

It shows what a good heart you have, that you would even post these concerns... Altho' your father couldn't take care of you, someone did something very right with you.

(((HUGS)))

JJ

Thank you. This post means more to me than I could ever express. I have always had angels watching over me. That is the only way I can explain how I came through all I did with all I have. Despite it all, I am blessed. I just wish it didn't feel like I'm merely existing from one crisis to the next. I refuse to live like that anymore. Something has to change and it starts with me.

chocolatewoman99
Your post touched me. I, too, did not have a very good childhood. Parents divorced when I was 7. Never really knew my dad. He passed away in 1983. My heart goes out to you.

My condolences to you.

The death of a parent, whether they were good or bad, marks a sad day in the lives of their children. There's a basis of the saying "blood is thicker than water." Now I know that blood doesn't make a family, love does. But the strange, almost primitive pull that blood has on us, defies all logic, and elicits an emotion that is hard to describe. Especially when that blood is the blood of an abusive parent, seperated from us by distance, time and communication. When death comes, we still feel the cold hand of regret on our shoulder, and grief takes over the anger we felt when they were still alive.

I wish you peace.

chocolatewoman,

This is the first I have seen of your post. I am so sorry I missed it.

My heart goes out to you in a very big way.

I truly do understand some of what you are going through and I am very sorry

you have suffered so.

I know there are no words that can help at this time, but please know that there are many thinking

of you at this time.

With love,

bev

Pemmy, Armadillo, Bev--thanks so much for your kind words. I believe I can now say I've come to terms with my father's death and believe I made the right choice in not attending his funeral. I feel no regret with the decision. I have my reasons and those I care about understand. It was mostly for my mother. She will never let go of her hurt and anger. That is the best she can do and I understand.

Armadillo, as usual you are a voice of reason and understanding, so able to put into words what I feel. You truly have a gift, which is only fair, with all you have to contend with.

TidalWave, your words help more than you know. I am so grateful to PS--I met you here! You are a blast in Chat!

Pemmy, knowing someone can relate means a lot. I have a feeling we would share similar childhood memories.

Ellen, JJ, jolie, epdp, Frisbee, Victoria, Lost, Caroline--what would I do without PS and all of you? I hope I didn't leave anyone out. You are all so important to me.

Dearest--are there adequate words to express my thanks for Power Surge? Not in this peri brain of mine, but thank you anyway.

Chocolatewoman