I can safely say that my current relationship is not in the best of health. I am sure this and the fact that I have been rather limp in the social department/fun is creating some of my sadness.

In the past year I have found myself looking back alot. I listen to old songs that remind me of certain periods of my life. Sometimes they make me feel so very sad, as if I will never be able to capture the carefree, exciting times again. I really miss dancing. romance, dinners out, laughing, sex, friends, late nights, travel, etc. A long list of things we do when we feel free and alive.

i am doing none of that now with my partner or friends. I am working on making a change in my life, trying to figure out how. i want to feel like there are more good times to come. not like the best has past me by. I am 48 just recently so if you are my age you know the tunes I listen to, disco, rock, pop, etc.

Are you missing the old days as much as me?

Yes, I miss a lot of what I used to do and who I used to be. I know I can never be that cute little thing again. So I am going to try to be an interesting old lady. I did just last week, find a game on ebay that my sisters and I have always said was the best game we ever owned. I bought it and figure we can have a game night and see if our memories are better than the real thing.

But don't take my 60's music away from me. I listen to it every day.

Hi, I also miss the good times I used to have when I was young and trust me, there were many! I look at old pictures of myself and wonder what happened to that girl, she wasn't as bad as I thought at the time! I think about being younger and at home with my parents and sister, I had a wonderful childhood and wonderful parents - I miss my Dad so much and think about him all the time. I have watched my mother grow to be 95 years old and frail, and it is tough as I look at the pictures of her when she younger and full of energy and wish she were that way now. I have watched my husband's health decline over the years and look at our wedding photos and wish we could go back in time. Reality is tough and getting tougher but somehow we manage to get through each day and hopefully make new memories for our children.

I must add also that this time flies thing is more real than I ever imagined.

I am 48 also, and I can totally relate to what you are saying. I love, love, love music - so I have an ipod. Lately, I have been purchasing and downloading only songs from the 70's. They bring back so many memories! I know logically that I can't go back - but just by listening to them, they make me feel just a tad younger!

The best thing we can do is embrace our ages and be the best that we can - make each day count!

But, I also understand how easy it is to get depressed and down about growing older.

Di

Oh The Good Ole Days!
Remember when we where young and older people would talk about the good ole days?
I would just roll my eyes and think well life is good! Never had clue how much I would miss!
I miss my old home state, I miss my kids being home!
I miss my good health.
There are 5 years between 1990 -1995 that I recall and think about a lot!
Very good ole days!
Not happy right now> I need to move> I need relief from Peri!
Just want to find contentment as I grow older!

I try not to think about my younger days too much, especially when I am alone. This only causes me to get quite depressed, and I start to hate myself and everything about my present life, while longing for the days when I was young and had a lot of fun and a lot of friends. Of course, when I look back, only the GOOD things come into focus, and that's why it makes the thought of getting older that much uglier. Especially since I have no friends at all, my best friend died in 2004, and she was all I had. A few aquaintences at work, but no friends, no other people in my life outside my immediate family. But even on my best days, I try not to think of the future either. I'm 54, and my parents were already dead by the time they were my age. My husband has no parents either. I never expected to get this old, but I made it. The future is just a big question mark, I neither look forward nor make plans for it. I have to go one day at a time, and try not to look back. It's just too painfull.

Another thought too. We aren't even really old yet so how can the best be the past? I don;t want that to be the case. I do think that my SO has declined a lot already physically and this has had a major impact on our lives and on my anticipating fun in our future. So therefore I can see where I look back.

You ladies have brought tears to my eyes! I wish I could give you all big hugs!
Please don't be sad! Of course we miss our youth, those wonderful years full of dreams and energy and the wild things we did. But we are so blessed we were there and did it!
Ok, so now we're struggling with meno-symptoms and don't feel like we used to, but hey, when the good days come I intend to be that interesting (old?!) lady!
Why shouldn't we have fun again?
Why shouldn't we dream dreams again?
Luckily I have a really old aunt (86) who, once retired, started traveling. There's hardly a place she hasn't been to and still plans to travel more, though now it's on a cruise or coach-trip.
I want to be like that! I'm planning and waiting for when I feel myself again!
I'm not getting depressed about getting older - I'm frustrated with these wasted years!
Thank God for internet and all you great ladies!
Come on, no more sadness, turn up our wonderful 60/70s music and dance!
Big hugs to you all!
Jonie

I strive to do this as best I can. It's just that I have no one in my family, my parents, aunts, uncles or grandparents that has lived to the age of 60. Pretty unusual, but the odds are stacked against me living to a ripe old age. So I have to make the best of what few years I have left, and have a huge party on my 60th birthday!

((((Armadillo))))
You're not friendless - I don't think you quite understand what an impact you've made in the lives of many of your meno-sisters here on PS!! I for one missed your posts and read your new ones as soon as I come online. You are a great lady and I'm sorry I'm nowhere near you. I'd want to meet you for coffee and buns and talk with you. I'd encourage you (again) to write a book about your experiences. We'd have a lot of laughs as I love your sense of humour and you're so down-to-earth, I'd be able to share my woes with you and you'd soon sort me out!
Your future is a question mark - well, that goes for all of us, but we can dream about what we want to fill those white, empty pages with, can't we?
Anyway, just felt like encouraging you...I'm really glad you're back home and doing well.
Hugs and prayers, Jonie

Jonie! I agree with you all the way! I think why to leave dying every day than leave the max we can. I don't like what I see in the mirrow, but i really would like to have less menopausal symtoms. I still feel young ( 54 ), because went I turne 80 ( hopefully ) I would love to be 54.

menoqueen

My best friend and I talk about this alot. We also 'joke' about getting things done to 'reduce the signs of aging'. Those commercials make those women look so great-the afters.
I am just grateful that I have my memories of back in the day and a few friends to share them with, because we have lost a few along the way.

I too have been pretty depressed about how old I'm getting and how time goes by far too quickly....I want to slow it down, but don't know how.

I wonder where all those years have gone?.....it seems like yesterday that I was travelling, single and carefree.

Since I had my daughter at 40 (I too am 48 now) I have felt pretty down about the future...that it can only get worse....that is, my body will shrivel up and I won't want to look in the mirror!....my energy will be in decline....
there'll always be health scares and I wonder when my number is up!!!!

OK...that seems pretty bleak I know....but that is how I have felt......I AM trying to find myself again though, renewed friendships, new hobbies and interests and a new career (I am doing what i always wanted to do, I work for myself doing murals and painting portraits)....but it doesn't stop the feeelings about aging.

'Lift me Up'

Caz

Menopause has made me feel old.  I also miss my youth.  That being said, however, I think I romanticize the past and forget how helpless I was when I was younger.  In my 30's, I couldn't stand up for myself.  I would cry whenever someone, anyone, was rude to me.  Not now.  I'm a force to be reckoned with (or as my DD puts it "you don't want to mess with my mom...")In my 20's, I was terrified of everything.  I couldn't drive to a big city by myself...forget about flying anywhere without an older person alongside.  I didn't understand world events, was confused when I had to pick a president or person to vote for.  I was unsure of my stance on many topics, and would generally adopt whatever opinion the last person I spoke to had.    I called my parents constantly, even though I have a bad relationship with my mother, and would collapse in tears over and over again.  Not now.  I guard my self respect and sanity closely.  I push BACK

Menopause has made me feel old.  I also miss my youth.  That being said, however, I think I romanticize the past and forget how helpless I was when I was younger.  In my 30's, I couldn't stand up for myself.  I would cry whenever someone, anyone, was rude to me.  Not now.  I'm a force to be reckoned with (or as my DD puts it "you don't want to mess with my mom...")In my 20's, I was terrified of everything.  I couldn't drive to a big city by myself...forget about flying anywhere without an older person alongside.  I didn't understand world events, was confused when I had to pick a president or person to vote for.  I was unsure of my stance on many topics, and would generally adopt whatever opinion the last person I spoke to had.    I called my parents constantly, even though I have a bad relationship with my mother, and would collapse in tears over and over again.  Not now.  I guard my self respect and sanity closely.  I push BACK

...sorry, I hit the 'send' button too soon.

I guess the point I was trying to make is that there are some real positives to being older. Like legitimacy. Confidence...wisdom, experience....not taking any crap from anyone.

In all honestly, I wouldn't go back to my 20's for all the money in the world. When you really need solid advice, or counsel, do you talk to a 20 year old or a 60 year old? (my father used to always say 'never hire a lawyer under 50 years old.) Just my opinion...

I really wanted to post to this thread--but I can't say what I want without crying. Suffice it to say, I miss my youth. I know it is due to lack of hormones but it is also partly due to my future. I have no family but my Mom and brother. My Mom is getting quite fragile and I stay with her 24/7. We rarely go out because she can barely walk now and doesn't have much stamina. It's hard to keep supplies in the house or keep a doctor appointment because she doesn't always feel well enouh to go out. My brother lives far away with his wife and has no plans to ever come here again. He offers no support either because he can't or won't. He calls once in a while but hasn't even sent Mom a Christmas present in years. I never married. I don't have any children. I don't have any friends. I've been isolated in our house since I was 33. I'm 56 now--and for reasons I don't want to go into here--there will be no one coming into our house or our lives. However, all of this didn't really bother me until I started having the bad meno symtoms--so perhaps it is all down to that--but I was living a very good life when my Mom suddenly had her stroke and brought it all to an end.

Just so you don't think I'm some sort of saint--when I quit work to come home and care for my Mom--the doctor told me it could take 3 months or 3 years for her to completely recover. Thing is--she never recovered and is permanently disabled with several problems. I can't leave her. I love her too much. But that doesn't keep me from wishing things had been different. My life has been on hold since December 31, 1984 and it's starting to get to me. I suppose it is all part of God's plan.

I didn't think things could get any worse when my Dad died in 2000. However, I dug us out of that hole and things were going fine until the meno symptoms got so bad. It turns out I had my last period while my Dad was dying in the hospital. I barely noticed that period. Also, just to make things interesting, my Dad made me his agent in his living will so I had to be the one to tell them to pull the plug--but that's another story--but it has to do with my phobia of doctors--just to go to one makes me wish I could die.

I also don't feel wise, experienced, or any of those things you all seem to feel has come with the passing of time. I feel stupid, naive, out of the loop--and ugly. Hoever, my brain and soul feel like they're still 16. This can cause a lot of inner conflict.

Sorry to be a bummer--perhaps I'm just having a bad day--again.

Anyway, perhaps my situation will help you all realize it isn't as bad as it could be. You've got family, careers, freedom and hope that your meno symptoms will end. I've even lost the hope that there will come a day when I can live without having to worry about constant UTIs and vaginal atrophy without using estrogen cream. The cream controls the symptoms but the worry of it and knowledge that my body isn't right is very depressing--especially when I know there are women who are never affected like this. Why me?

Please don't respond with possible solutions. Believe me--I've looked at them all for a long time. I'm not asking for help. I guess I am just venting and enjoying a bit of self pity.

Miss Tibbs

Dear (((Miss Tibbs)))
You sound so lonely dear, I just want to send you loads of hugs and tell you that you have friends here and you are not alone. As you know (I commented on your profile) I have been missing your posts. You are an articulate, intelligent, interesting lady and when I see your posts I know I'm going to learn something new and be uplifted.
"Don't respond with possible solutions" - why not? It's good to vent, we need a pity-party at times, but we also need to see over the rim of the hole we find ourselves in and sometimes we need friends to give us a helping hand.
So, I'm going to ignore that sentence and push you!
You've probably heard it all before, but that doesn't make it any less valid - you are lonely, right? Your life revolves around your mother and you have forgotten who you are, that you also have a life and needs.
Surely you don't have to stay with your Mum all the time? Perhaps you could organize a nurse to come in for an hour or two once a week to give you some space? This doesn't mean you don't love her!! But you need to get out alone, talk with other people, meet people with whom you can laugh.
I don't know where you live or what your interests are - perhaps you don't remember them yourself - perhaps it's time to explore? Joining a club or class is difficult, I know I never could, but what about taking up photography and then share your photos in Webshots? Why not write articles/stories/poetry for your local newspaper? Why not study something new - loads of places on the internet to start you off. Open University, evening classes. Learn a new language, you'll be traveling someday!
Explore "yourself", remember those dreams you had, those things that excited you and then go for it. You are not too old, life isn't over, have a new beginning. Your meno-symptoms will be gone someday - plan for what you want to do then!
Bounce off some ideas here, let us enthuse you to take your life into your hands. Your mother won't come to any harm and might even benefit from a happy, fulfilled daughter who comes home with a big smile on her face.
Start a new thread and we'll enjoy this time of planning together!
Come back and vent whenever you need to, but do allow us to give you a glimpse of life beyond meno and have some fun.
Big hugs and don't ever give up posting!
Jonie

Miss Tibbs

I can't add to what Jonie has just said so sending a big (((((((((Miss Tibbs))))))))))))

This site is here for when we fall down, I hope Miss Tibbs it will soon pick you up again.

Caroline

Maybe it's because I feel so good and I suffered so bad with the peri symptoms that I don't really yearn for my youth. My 20's and 30's weren't all that, sure there were carefree good times but being young has its drawbacks too. Being 20 something having my first baby was wonderful yet so demanding. Money was tight and few employers seemed to value what I had to offer, and often caused me to feel grossed out by their unwatned attention about my looks.
During my 30's I was busy being a mom with 2 young kids and having lots of fun but still unindated with way to much to do and little time to do it. Can you say stress?
Today, in contrast now that I hope the worst of peri is behind me feels like the best time of my life. I don't see it less exciting or happy and most of all I don't think of numbers I think of making plans, buying a motor home, traveling some day, adding on to our house, shopping and just enjoying it all. I listen to all types of music 30's 40's 60's 70's and todays hits as well. I live in the now because I'm alive and still making memories. If I concentrated on the past I would miss out on my future.

I just thought of something....remember that series 'the Highlander' you know, there can be only one. Well, how come they always portray the woman to be the one who gets old. It was sad.
There are parts of my youth that I dearly miss. I don't think I have come into my own yet, either. I tend to agree with Miss Tibbs and I can relate to your situation to a degree. But please don't give up.
We have this place to come to and it is comfortable here.

You certainly have a heavy cross to bear, compared with most of us here. As we go through life, we ask God to lighten our load, so we can walk through our lives effortlessly. So God leaves a tool, a saw, to cut some of the heavy wood off of our cross to make it lighter and shorter, and thus, easier to bear. After all, we have free will, so since we all MUST carry a load, why not make it as small as possible? Now we look back at those who are still carrying those big, heavy crosses and say, "Silly people. The power is in their hands. They should just saw some of the wood off their crosses, like us! But all of a sudden, in our lives journey, we all come to a deep crevice or ravine. It's so deep we cannot see the bottom. But on the other side is a world of beauty, peace and happiness. The people there are doing all the things we dreamed of doing, but we can't get over this damn hole! What do we do? We're stuck. Along come the people with their long, heavy crosses. They lay their crosses over the gap, and use them as a bridge to walk over to the other side. Great idea. But our crosses are now too short to bridge the gap, and too light to carry our weight, because we chose not to carry any burdens, and were not prepared for a gap in the road.

You carry one of the heavy crosses. We are your fellow travellers. As much as I would like to lighten your load, I wish you the strength and perserverance to carry on. That cross is your bridge to eternity. You will be able to cross over to peace and happiness. Some of us will just be watching you forever from this side of the gap.

Armadillo,

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me bring my life back into focus and reminding me of what is really important. I remember thinking something similiar to what you wrote back before the meno symptoms got so bad but my thinking got off track more and more as I sank into self pity and my symptoms returned. Lately, I've been trying to remember how I used to cope so well prior to the meno symptoms. I've resisted cluing anyone here in on my situation because--much as I seem prone to self-pity--I really don't want anyone else feeling sorry for me. Everyone here has their own problms. However, when I wrote that post here--I was at a pretty low point. To tell the truth, I actually regretted that post after I hit the send button. It seemed such a selfish thing to do. But now I'm very glad I did--because you were out there reading--and knew exactly what to say to me to bring me back to reality. I know your cross will see you across the gap too. I truly believe that your post was divinely inspired. Thank you so much.

Miss Tibbs

Thank you Armadillo!!!

What a wonderful post, I think many of us who are carrying that heavy cross will find comfort in the fact that God does use it to change us. I honestly have to think that way, or I would also go insane with all that I am dealing with. It was a perfect post and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I really needed to hear that today!

(((Miss Tibbs))) Hugs to you for taking care of your mother, I know it must be very hard, but you are very special to do this. I am also taking care of my husband who has been sick since the early 90's, and now cannot work. Some days, I see my life just breezing by, and I wish sometimes that I had the joy of years past, when life was so much lighter. I go through the "self-pity" thing a lot also. I wish things were different, but they are what they are, and I have accepted that, but still, I have those days that I just "cry". In your post above, you said that you were not "wise", well I think we beg to differ, your posts are always filled with inspiration.

Take care, Juliann

before i was disabled it seemed i had so many friends. these women and i shared years of memories that i to this day cherish as some of the funnest times in my life. i look back on them and i miss them dearly. i hear a song and i feel such sadness, a longing to go back in a way. but after my accident, all but 1 of those women walked right out of my life. never to contact me again. some of these women i knew more than 15 years. we shared laughter, secrets, tears, everything friends share and when i was no longer "up to par", they cut me loose. it makes it very hard when i know others are out and about and i am alone and i dont have anyone to talk something to death to. my best friend is an angel but i try to give her a break because she does have other friends and i feel i am just this menopausal haunt who really cant do a darn thing. so the memories are bittersweet but we did have a good time!!!

donnilip: I understand what you mean about friends. It's such a sad fact that we find out who people really are when we're at our lowest. I used to have a lot of friends. Then a year ago, my husband was arrested and charged with a hideous crime he didn't do. Every single one of my friends, and ALL my family, except my parents, exited promptly from my life. I was literally astonished. Women who I had counted as my closest confidantes for decades would not and will not return my phone calls. I have one solitary friend who has remained....she is going through a terrible time to (husband is dying) and I often wonder if even she would have left too, but for the fact that she needs me to lean on.

It's been a bitter lesson. I look back and think about my younger years when I had lots of "girlfriends." We used to get together and drink wine coolers and laugh our heads off. I thought "what great friends I have." Right. It's easy to be someone's friend when the deepest things you talk about are men and shoes. Tragedy rips the veneer off and exposes people's true character. And I was shocked to discover how little character my "friends" had. Or am I being too harsh? Are people just too fragile to handle someone else's misfortune because it reminds them of their own vulnerability? I honestly don't know. I have a female relative that was like a sister to me...we grew up together..we were maids of honor in each other's weddings, used to talk on the phone every day...she has not spoke to me in over a year. She went through some horrible life stuff--husband was in a major accident and subsequently a coma for a month (he eventually recovered, but slowly) and I was right there by her side...holding her when she cried...staying up all night worrying. Then my tragedy struck, and all of sudden, she vanished. I've tried to understand, but I can't. I'm angry--make that furious.

Does growing older always have to mean we become cynical about our relationships with other people?

Miss Tibbs, I'm glad you didn't delete your post, it touch me deeply.
I am also very lonely at this point in my life. I feel I will never be able to pick up the pieces and find happiness and contentment again.
In menopause we leave a comfort zone that has defile us for years.

For what ever reason illness-family etc, We see what was, as a loss, For now we are clinking to two worlds......

I was watching two young girls one day making fun of a older women, I thought to myself, you both have your youth now, healthy shapely bodies.
But your air heads!
As women we have been brainwashed that looks defies us!
For most women wisdom & compassion comes with life experiences, as we approach a stage in our life where our looks fade we must remind our self that we must not fade away too!
I was never a confidence person or would I consider myself a successful" woman.
I wish my attitude was different about how I feel how I have changed, all the regrets.
For now I'm in a cocoon mostly hiding from the world, hoping for some kind of metamorphosis, when I emergence I hope can pick up the pieces of my life!

I am completely the reverse of that. I loved to fly in my 20's; now I'm so afraid that I will not fly, ever. I would drive up to Los Angeles (lived in Orange County) just to shop--and L.A. was insane and crowded even back then. Now I'm afraid to leave my city. I had stronger opinions than now, even. I have become afraid of everything.

[quote name='Armadillo' date='Feb 21 2008, 02:28 PM' post='210513']
I strive to do this as best I can. It's just that I have no one in my family, my parents, aunts, uncles or grandparents that has lived to the age of 60. Pretty unusual, but the odds are stacked against me living to a ripe old age. So I have to make the best of what few years I have left, and have a huge party on my 60th bir
thday I'm new to the site but already I feel like you, Armadillo, and all the other ladies are my friends. I really only have one friend, and that's my sister. I too, think constantly about days past when I was younger and my son was little and we would do things together. I also struggle with giving up being that cute little thing . So, I want to be an interesting older lady, too. Anyway, reading all of these entries have made me cry(which isn't hard to do!!) So, I'll say goodnight to all.

Wow, this is an amazing thread. Miss Tibbs, count me as another reader who is glad you hit the send button. I can't articulate why except maybe misery loves company? I don't know, but I feel as if I am finally among people who "get it."

And Round Robin, your post really touched me, especially the part about how easy it is to think you have friends when all you talk about are men and shoes but tragedy rips the veneer off -- exactly. I could have written that myself. I used to have a lot of friends. Where are they now? I have two friends I met ONLINE through an infertility forum! Those are my friends now and honestly, I'm just thankful to have them. But we live in different places so there is no getting together for lunch. I am truly terribly, terribly lonely.

To answer the original poster's question -- sadly, I don't have happy memories of a carefree youth to remember. My childhood was filled with abuse and neglect, but I was such a survivor and always prided myself on my survival skills and my "good attitude." Then I stupidly entered an abusive marriage (I guess anyone could see THAT coming) where all sorts of bad things happened that I probably have not worked through even after all this time. Thankfully I had a child, though I can't say the memories of parenting are very happy considering the abusive marriage that went along with it. Finally divorced him, spent some years alone, going to work every day at a career I didn't want, feeling despair that I would never have the family I had always wanted (I always wanted a lot of children). Finally met my husband and we have intractable infertility - nothing has worked. We've suffered multiple miscarriages. We live in a religious community where everyone has a lot of kids and we don't (my son from previous marriage is grown and lives elsewhere). I've gone from being a devout believer to being an atheist, but can't "come out of the closet" on that issue because it would disturb my husband too much and might even cost me my marriage. I do not think I would have lost my faith if not for the infertility and repeated pregnancy losses. Not a day goes by where I don't remind myself how lucky I am that I at least have one child, when many infertile women don't have any. But why couldn't I have a family with the man I love? I look around me and see so many people who have conventional lives with typical problems and I wonder why some of us get chosen to endure devastating trials that shake us to the core.

Another stressor is that we are expats (my husband's choice) and I thought I would love my new country but I don't. I miss America. My husband wants to stay where we are. Can you say "major conflict?" It is very difficult to get a grip on my medical situation while faced with a foreign culture. And on top of everything, now I'm hormonal and menopausal. It really ***** to have menopause assault you when you're in the middle of a baby dream.

So to answer the question -- I don't miss my past, I MISS MY FUTURE!!!!! The future I am apparently never going to have.

Like Miss Tibbs, I ask people not to feel compelled to offer solutions (please God, above all, don't mention adoption!) Maybe someday I'll explain why I say that, but for now, I'll just leave it as is.

One thing I will say is that I do miss the person I used to be. When I was younger, I was a survivor, strong and spunky and determined, convinced that there was NOTHING I couldn't get if I put my mind to it and worked hard enough. I was never self-pitying and was probably a little too harsh on people who were. I felt that if I could survive my childhood, everyone else could too. I had lots of friends. I was a social butterfly. I was thin and pretty and energetic. I had personality. People loved to be around me. I even weathered my divorce with admirable strength and positivity.

Now I am fat, always on the verge of tears, grieving deeply, cynical, friendless, and feeling QUITE the victim! My son has rejected my values and religion and even though I know that's typical of young people, it hurts me. How do I get the old warrior me back, the girl who had such unshakable optimism? Worst of all, I don't like people anymore at all and I always used to be described as a "people person." In fact, it scares me how much I dislike people. It's like I've transformed from an extrovert to an introvert.

Sorry for writing a book! You all inspired me. :-) I guess I really needed to vent.

I feel as though I've spent the past year mourning for a life I lost long ago but had never let go of in my soul.
Looking back, I now realize problems I had, starting at age 35 were caused by peri which the Drs. didn't see. My marriage of 20 years disintegrated in a matter of the next two years and my husband wanted out. He was never able to discuss reasons or feelings with me at the time. My marriage and relationship with my best friend was the most important thing in the world to me and now it was gone. I was ashamed at my failure to see this coming and upset with everyone who couldn't feel my pain as deeply as I did. All those people who say, you'll get over it, or you'll find someone new, or he was a jerk anyway!

I broke ties with all of our friends and moved across the state to put some distance between me and my heartache. I tried to put on a happy face in front of my parents and siblings but the truth is, I miss my husband terribly and am still heartbroken about the termination of our marriage.

Fast forward 12 years to this past spring while dealing with serious illness of my father that I found out that my ex-husband had been in a motorcycle accident and was paralyzed. I think I cried for 3 weeks straight and felt like I was absolutely going to lose my mind with grief. I realized that I've never had any closure nor come to terms with my divorce. Everything reminds me of him, a song on the radio, a phrase we used to tease each other with, everytime I saw a motorcycle on the road it was if someone had punched me in the gut! The worst was not knowing how he was, what had happened, etc. A few months later he agreed to speak with me by phone for a short while to answer questions that I had that I felt would help me some. He is so distant and even though I know he's in a terrible situation it hurts that we don't have that familiarity and ability to laugh together that we always had. It is devestating to know that I am not welcome to do anything to help him. He acts like I'm a total stranger.

During this time I also had terrible symptoms of menopause even though I was on BCP to treat bad PMS symptoms and was still having periods. Blood tests showed I was not absorbing any estrogen so am now on 2 estrogen patches. Had hysterectomy in Nov. and symptoms are slowly getting better.

One weird thing though, I have such a strong urge to see old friends that were part of my life in my 20s and 30s. I am very lonely and even though I have some new friends, I just want people and activities around me that were part of my life before. I miss the hobbies and interests I shared with my husband and mutual friends, I miss my life! I feel like I suddenly woke up to find that I've been walking around in my sleep for the past 11 years, just working, sleeping, and eating enough to sustain myself without being involved in anything that makes life worth living. It's like I've been walking around in this cloud of depression for so long. I lost a sister to cancer as well as two high school friends and I find myself reminiscing about the good times a lot these days.

It's just weird and when I try to talk about this with others they act like I'm a little looney that I can't cope with life's disappointments. I do think all the physical and emotional changes I've been through have definitely had an affect on me. So every day I just wake up and put one foot in front of the other...

Wlibby9, even though the conversation with your ex was not what you hoped it would be, did you at least get your questions answered? Did you get any insight into why he doesn't even want to be friends at this point? That is such a sad scenario. If I were him, I would be so grateful that my ex wife was showing some interest and compassion toward me. People are so hard to understand sometimes.

I tried to reach back for some of my old friends, from college days -- wrote several of them an email, got emails back saying "great to hear from you" and then . . . nothing. Even though they owed me an email, I wrote a second time anyway. Nothing. Hey, even I can take a hint!!

I don't know what is truly going on but the message I am getting is that they all have active, forward moving lives while I, for some reason, am reaching back for the past. Perhaps we do that in order to grieve. Whatever the reason, I suddenly felt more alone than ever. I don't want to be viewed as a looney so I will leave them all alone now. It's just strange because I was so "popular" as a friend that I would have thought my old pals would welcome me back into their lives a little more enthusiastically.

Bitterhot,

My ex answered some questions I had such as where did he have his mom buried? (I needed to say good-bye to her) and what happened to certain friends and how friends kids turned out as adults. I told him that I needed to talk about what happened in our relationship so I can grieve it and move on. For some reason I need to analyze it. I do find that I don't really let myself open up in new relationships since I am guarding myself against being hurt. I've been in three relationships in the 11 years since my divorce but I can't give anything of myself anymore. My ex said he had to get off the phone when I got into questions about his feelings, what happened, etc. I e-mailed some questions and just got a curt answer saying that talking about our feelings at this point would not help either of us with where we're at right now. I have to accept that he isn't open to any type of friendship. I have tried to reach out to a few old friends through writing and e-mail but don't get anything after their first response. I know that people are busy with their jobs and families but I just miss being part of a social group and having good friends like I used to. Libby

It just seems so strange when someone won't answer questions like that. What is the big mystery, and who is he to decide what will help you? I'm sorry you are dealing with that.

I guess if I am truthful, I know that my old friends cannot do the job anymore since I've changed so much. What I need now are new friends, but it is hard to make friends when you are in a state of grief and working on issues that cause you to always be looking back.

DesRothchild, You could have spoken for me. I used to be fearless about travel and trying new things. Now I'm afraid to travel out of my comfort zone, or do anything new. I not sure why, maybe I think too much about what "could" happen. This should be a time of freedom for me but it's a time of fear. I think alot of it is hormonal and I hope it will pass. But how long do I have to wait???

Greetings, all! I've been a member for years, but have only recently logged back on. My mother passed away a year ago on the 17th, and my entire life was put on hold. As to missing the past.... oh, boy!!! It really hit home the other day when my husband proposed going out to get my mind off my mom, and to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. As much as I wanted to make him happy, I simply could not get myself motivated to get out. When he said, "I want my wife back", I felt HORRIBLE! I'm 50, still with regular-as-clockwork periods, and a list of perimenopausal symptoms a mile long. Right now, with the damp, dank weather in the Northeast, my osteoarthritis is one of the key reasons I feel so terrible. Sometimes I really don't know how I make it through work (I'm a CNA - nursing assistant), and I use my body, hard, all day long.... Anyway, I wish it were all just physical, but explaining my mental state would take too long. I just long for the day when I feel like myself again. In the meantime, when I do have free time, I log on to YouTube and watch MeatLoaf videos for hours!!!! Takes me back decades when things were so much simpler! My 21 year old son thinks I am nuts - MeatLoaf!!!!??? Have a good day, everyone![font="Comic Sans MS"][/font]

i too think about my younger years more now than ever. it makes me sad because those were happier days and i am so miserable now. i also lost most of my old friends and moved away from my home town. i know that combined with a divorce and menopause has worn me down emotionally. i grieve the old and energetic, would do anything me. i have been going thru this for 7 yrs. and at first i thought i would eventually get back to normal but now i don't think that will happen. my future is wide open and i don't have any idea what i want to do? i am a social worker and want to go back to work and i pray all the time. i pray for all of us on power-surge. we are not alone, we have each other. too bad we all live in different states. can you imagine if we all lived in the same city? HUGS! Breann

Oh Vulcan

You sound exactly like me. I dwell on those times 24/7
I was talking to my daughter today, and i asked her if she thought i lived in the past.
I still live in the same town i was born and grew up in, and every street- every place holds dear dear memories for me. I drive by my first boyfriends house, where i lost my virginity at 16 all the time,
the jr. high where i had my first necking encounter , The parks where I walked or dear German Shepherds for years, The small hotels my dad used to manage, where I swam in the "Frank Sinatra era" ameoba shaped pools, i could go on and on and on and on and on

I reminesce all the time. I can't even begin to tell you. This entire town is painful for me, cos it's where i had so many fun magical romantic times and experiences. I drive on the same roads, but that feeling is all but gone.
Yes, i long for romance and passion and fun, and i feel just like you. Will things ever feel as magical as they once did? I think ANTI DEPRESSANTS CAN help with that, if you can stand the beginning side effects, some worse than others. I have been on them for 18 years, off now for about three months, and just taking it day by day.

It just amazed me reading your post, cos today i told myself that when my dear mother passes away (she's 92) we did this town for 50 years. She is my best best bud...........always has been. Even more so than my daughter. I love my daughter more than life it'self but my mom and i are two peas in a pod...............and i KNOW that when she dies, i positively will NOT be able to stay in this town where i was born, grew up, got married, had my child etc; It would be way to painful to me.
I cannot seem to get my mind out of the past. It makes me so sad, and i try to make my brain STOP. Stop thinking about the 'good ol days'. Everywhere i drive, i pass by a place and in passing, i envision what happened there 30 or 40 years ago. Like ghosts wandering around, like you see in a movie, my memories haunt me every day. I told my husband that when mom passes, we will probably (if not sooner) move to San Diego to be near our high school friends. Just today i told him "I have GOT to close this chapter of my life, and STOP living in the past" I was the baby of five siblings, and i am the most 'loving' of all my sisters and brother. I am a 'toucher' and a 'cuddler' none of my other sisters are...................when i go over to visit my mom at the little nursing home where she is now, i hold her,and kiss her and we have the most wonderful talks and laughs about the old days. I am constantly reminding her of things in our past, funny moments, and she remembers them vividly. She was a wild woman in her 40's and 50's. She dated my sisters' high school boyfriends. She was the original cougar lol. I love her so much. Every day i try to prepare myself for THE DAY.........................................I fall apart when small things happen..........i once freaked out and lost it when my dentist/boss died back in 89/90. I loved him like a grandpa/father, and he got a cancerous tumor on his liver, and within three months' he was gone. It hit me hard. I got total insomnia. I mean for weeks and weeks i couldn't sleep. I was going mad, not being able to sleep. Then to make matters worse, my doctor put me on these (now banned) sleeping pills called HALCYON, and they plunged me into the deepest depression i could imagine. I WAS IN A BLACK BLACK HOLE that i couldn't get out of. My mom had to come stay with us. I was a mental vegetable. This lasted about a month before my doctor finally convinced me to start on an AD. THE LAST THING I WANTED TO DO WAS SWALLOW ANOTHER PILL AFTER WHAT I HAD JUST BEEN THROUGH, BUT BY GODS GRACE I GUESS, I DID. It was a tri-cyclic/Pamelor......I was nearly back to my old self within two weeks..............that was waaaay back in February of 1990,and i've been on them ever since. My last was Paxil, for the past 12 years.
Anyway,
We are losing our house, and just moved into a rental condo, and my boxes of photo albums are out in the garage, and i absolutely cannot bring myself to look at them, and now i realize why
my mother didn't pour over her old photos now. It was just too too painful for her. Even some of my photos in frames that are in my house on the coffee tables or sofa tables
i can't stare at them too long, cos they will make me so sad.

I'd love to know more about your life. Please tell me about your life, i'd love to hear. We sound like we have a lot in common.
you can email me at psbornrealtor@gmail.com PSBORNREALTOR@gmail.com
Terri