Hi, I have been coming to the forums for about 2 years now,but this is the first time I have written. I am 49 years old and it will be 2 years in March since I've had a period, So I know I am in menopause. It started out kind of hard but it's 90% better now, except for the weight gain. My problem has to do with my marriage. I know this is going to sound strange, but I have been married for 12 years. My husband and I have not had sex for 10 of them years. We have talked about it and fought about it, to the point where I thought I was fat and ugly. Its at the point now where I wouldn't touch him,period. I find the thought revolting. But I don't need to worry because he must feel the same.
We moved to another state about 3 years ago (stupid I know). I don't know what to do now, I want to go home, but with the sale of our first house we were able to buy our house outright. So I don't want to walk away and leave him with everything. Not to mention that I have no money or car.
I do have a place I can go for awhile. I don't really know what happened to our relationship, but for the past year or so we barely talk. we are always in seperate rooms and have slept seperatly for years.
Everynite my husband starts drinking around 4 pm and by 6 pm he is half loaded. I know he looks at porn constantly. The other nite I woke up at 3 AM and he was drinking and looking at porn on the computer. he changed his computer info so I can't go on his sight. He has fallen asleep smoking, fallen asleep with food in his mouth and fallen down countless times. He is so lazy it isn't even funny( He is disabled, bad back so he does not work) He gets up around 8 am and sits and watches tv til around 1 or 2 pm. we have a couple of farm animals which I take care of alone, would not trust him to care for them. once he gets off the couch and goes in the garage til he statrs drinking. as soon as I go in my room for the night he jumps right on the porn sites. I don't know what to do, I have to many responsibilties to my animals to leave, but I also hate where I live and want to go back to my home state and family. Thank you for reading, I only want to tell my family so much.

I hear you! My ex and I had not had sex for 13 years when I left him. I did leave my house and it took me almost three years to get back in. Everything in a divorce went as wrong as it possibly could, and believe me my attorney didn't mind how long it took! He had me do busy work which in the end didn't amount to a hill of beans.
In the meantime the house went to hell ! It wasn't worth nearly as much when I moved back in because of the condition.
If I had to do it over again I would have changed the locks, thrown his clothes in the yard and his stinking computer where he snuck in his porn each night!
I'm sure your heart is pulling you back to your home state,but perhaps you should make a secret visit to a good attorney so you can make a thoughtful decision.
You deserve a far better life than this and you can have it !

Best wishes,

Sharon

Hi Nap, So glad you decided to join in!

Sounds like your husband has a addiction to porn. He needs help maybe another member will have some good advice!

I can really relate to moving doing peri and being miserable. Our home was on the market most of last year, right now where waiting for the new realtor to relist so maybe 2008 will be our lucky year and get can the heck out of here!
HUGS!

Dear Nap,

Welcome to Power Surge. Please stick around and join in. You will find a wonderful community of women here.

I know that the decision to leave a spouse is very complex and very personal. But one thing about your post struck me--your thought that you would lose everything if you left. I am not an expert, and I don't know where you live, but I don't think any state in the US divides property in such a way. I second the motion to see a good domestic relations lawyer. She/he can tell you what your legal options are, so at least you can make an informed decision. Make sure to ask what the lawyer charges for an initial consultation. Some will even see a new client for nothing.

Best of everything.

Marcy

Sounds like he's also addicted to alcohol. There are only two things you can do.

1. Get him some help to quit his addictions.
2. If he refuses to quit, get a good lawyer and get a divorce.

Your husband is a danger to both himself and you, if he falls asleep smoking, and burns down the house. But first, you need to decide if your marriage has gone beyond the point of any hope, and if you are willing to do what it takes to fix it or finalize it. I will keep you in my prayers.

Nap: These ladies are giving you good advice. First and foremost, your husband has a drinking problem. Nothing will get better until that issue is addressed. Once someone crosses the invisible line from heavy drinking to alcoholism, they can't go back. Cutting down will not work...nor will controlled drinking. You don't mention what he thinks about his own drinking, but if he isn't willing to recognize he needs help, there isn't really much you can do for him. You need to take care yourself. Al-Anon is a great group that supports people who are living with alcoholics. You can look them up in the phone book.

You're probably feeling overwhelmed right now, and I don't want to add to your stress...but I can't reiterate strongly enough that you need to think of YOU right now. If you decide to leave him, it will be difficult, but not impossible. I ended my first marriage, with no job, no car, and a toddler to take care of. I put off the decision for years because I was frightened and unsure of myself. But one day, I just did it...I took the first step. From there on, I broke it down into manageable baby steps. It took a full year before I was finally free of an awful marriage, but I did it. And now, 15 years later, I'm in a new marriage, with new problems ( )...kidding, kidding. At least now, I have my own job, my own car, my own sense of myself. When I left my first husband, we had 2 purebred dogs that I was totally in love with and I had to leave behind. It tore me up...but ultimately, I decided it was what had to be done. Change is never easy; in fact it can be downright excrutiating. But it's pain with a purpose. There's a goal, a light at the end of the tunnel. Right now, you have no light...just a never ending road of helplessness...and you deserve better than that.

Stay here and talk to us...it's a wonderful place and the women here are amazing. Even if you decide to stay with him, please come here and let us know how you are doing. No judgements, I promise. Just support.


I wish you peace & love for today,
Robin

Nap, i'm so very sorry to hear of your dilemma. My prayers are with you and that the outcome will be a good one.

You can't live life like this, please take the steps needed to improve your quality of life.

Also, your post made me appreciate my own situation more because i do have a very caring husband

(((((HUGS))))) Deb in OZ