Hey Gang,
I see a lot of posts on here from people dreading the upcoming Christmas holidays and family nightmares. I can so relate, as I have my own issues and they are quite difficult and crank up my anxiety and stress....and rage!!!
My partner and I are not legally married, I have chosen to remain in this state as I have TWO failed marriages behind me and just don't want to do it again. Our relationship works the way it is, and I really don't want to mess it up....getting married might ruin it!! This is our decision to make and nobody has a problem with it....except HIS KIDS!!
I honestly do not believe his kids have any moral issues with it at all, they both live with their BF/GF themselves. Instead they use it as a weapon against me. I am not their "stepmother" and I am not a "part of their family." Over the years I have been overlooked on my birthday, mothers day, Christmas, etc. I have cooked wonderful meals on these holidays and they don't come....they have even been staying at our home, watched me get the meal ready...and then left before mealtime. For a long time it really hurt me.
I used to buy them lovely gifts for their birthdays and christmas's.....
In 2006 my partners father passed away.....my partners children brought their mother to the home of my FIL, while he was laying dead on the floor of his bedroom...and SERIOUSLY added to the upset of the day!! The whole family was ANGRY that this exwife would put in an appearance at that time!!! It was extremely uncomfortable for everyone.....although it did take some of the focus off the sadness of the moment. Is that good or bad?? I think it was bad.....
Then those kids started harassing their grandmother about having their mother be in the obit, not me. I was in the obit, of course...my partners parents love me, I am kind and loving to their son.
The other day the daughter (who is 19) said it was UNFAIR that we live in such a nice home, compared to the home she has.........
My partner went into personal bankruptcy right when we first got together, there is nothing in this home that hasn't come from MY hard work and sucess!! Which is not to say my partner hasn't always worked and contributed, he has....but he hasn't made the kind of income I do!
Last Christmas....and I just found this out 2 days ago!!!!.....my partner had lent (ya right, GIVEN would be the word) money to his daughter so she could buy some Christmas gifts...well guess what we got from her??? Nada, zilch, zip....nothin!! Not even a card! So my man paid for Christmas gifts for his ex!!! He kept this fact from me, as I think he was 1. Embarassed he had given her money. 2. Was extremely hurt and angry his daughter left him out completely for Christmas. 3. Was worried how angry this would make me!.
So...here is my dilemma. Should my partner give his greedy, mean, ignorant daughter a Christmas gift?? His son is smart enough not to verbalize how he may or may not feel about me, and he has already given us a Christmas card......we will most likely include the son in our gift giving.
This daughter....who I honestly can NOT STAND....has already been on his case, wanting money again....but in the next breath reminding him that I am not part of her family!! And telling him that I have never done anything for her!! which is so not true.......although since my FIL passed away I have taken a huge step backwards away from her. I will not tolerate being treated with such disrespect from some kid! So she is no longer part of MY family these days.
Sometimes I feel I am acting no better than her, but at the same time....she can not behave as she has been, without there being some consequence. Am I right?? Am I wrong?? I am too emotionally involved to see this situation objectively!! Help me see things clearly!! Ladies you are all so wise!!!
Full Version: Evil Step Children
If I were you, I would take two L-Theanine first thing in the morning, explain to your SO that he needs to be by your side in all things and tell his daughter hard work got where you both are and that is something she will have to learn. No hand outs unless there is an emergency. Treating you with disrespect - your SO should not put up with. I like you and I don't even know you. 
Kathie: You are NOT wrong, you are NOT crazy and you NOT overreacting. This step daughter sounds horrible. The man I dated before my current husband had evil children. And I do mean EVIL. His daughter sabotaged our relationship every step of the way. To this day I think she is a sociopath. What does your partner say about her behavior towards you? I would demand that she not be allowed in your home until she cleans up her act. No more money, no more welcome mat. This is a child out of control. Her behavior speaks volume about her mother---Stand up for yourself; she's exhibiting this behavior because she can.
Best of luck....I'll be thinking of you...
Best of luck....I'll be thinking of you...
I'm with Robin! This chick is just plain rude and needs some manners. That is YOUR house and if she can't treat everybody in with kindness and respect she doesn't get access to you, your money or you hospitality. Put you foot done now! She needs some parameters so set them up loud and clear!
I'm probably gonna get blasted for this, but I am a believer in always taking the high road. Not that it's easy, and I've been off that path many times myself. The thing is, your husband loaned/gave the daughter money without discussing it with you. That issue should between you and him. What she did with the money is another story. It doesn't sound like she's ever had anything expected of her other than the way she is behaving.
I would give her a gift. It would be because everyone is getting gifts and while not giving her one would send a message, it would not be that message that would be taken to heart.
When the season is over and there is a calm time, I would have a talk with this daughter. Without picking apart everything that has happened in the past, I would let her know that I love her father very much and that I will always want to make a home for him and see him happy. I would mention that you have the things you have because you have worked very hard for them and deserve them. And that she very well do the same for herself. And I would tell her that I wanted a different kind of relationship with her where you could treat one another with respect.
I would give her a gift. It would be because everyone is getting gifts and while not giving her one would send a message, it would not be that message that would be taken to heart.
When the season is over and there is a calm time, I would have a talk with this daughter. Without picking apart everything that has happened in the past, I would let her know that I love her father very much and that I will always want to make a home for him and see him happy. I would mention that you have the things you have because you have worked very hard for them and deserve them. And that she very well do the same for herself. And I would tell her that I wanted a different kind of relationship with her where you could treat one another with respect.
I'm probably gonna get blasted for this, but I am a believer in always taking the high road. Not that it's easy, and I've been off that path many times myself. The thing is, your husband loaned/gave the daughter money without discussing it with you. That issue should between you and him. What she did with the money is another story. It doesn't sound like she's ever had anything expected of her other than the way she is behaving.
I would give her a gift. It would be because everyone is getting gifts and while not giving her one would send a message, it would not be that message that would be taken to heart.
When the season is over and there is a calm time, I would have a talk with this daughter. Without picking apart everything that has happened in the past, I would let her know that I love her father very much and that I will always want to make a home for him and see him happy. I would mention that you have the things you have because you have worked very hard for them and deserve them. And that she very well do the same for herself. And I would tell her that I wanted a different kind of relationship with her where you could treat one another with respect.
I would give her a gift. It would be because everyone is getting gifts and while not giving her one would send a message, it would not be that message that would be taken to heart.
When the season is over and there is a calm time, I would have a talk with this daughter. Without picking apart everything that has happened in the past, I would let her know that I love her father very much and that I will always want to make a home for him and see him happy. I would mention that you have the things you have because you have worked very hard for them and deserve them. And that she very well do the same for herself. And I would tell her that I wanted a different kind of relationship with her where you could treat one another with respect.
I agree with TK. The issue here lies more between you and your partner than between you and his daughter. She's his child, and he should be able to maintain a relationship with her *and* with you. He needs to make that clear to her. He's caught in the middle right now, and is undoubtedly very uncomfortable with the whole situation. The two of you need to sit down and talk about this first, and then you can talk to the daughter after the holidays, as TK suggests.
The daughter is very badly behaved, so you need to show her how someone with manners should act. Be polite, give her a small gift, and take the high road. Being unfailingly polite to someone can drive them crazy.
The daughter is very badly behaved, so you need to show her how someone with manners should act. Be polite, give her a small gift, and take the high road. Being unfailingly polite to someone can drive them crazy.
kathie,
that sounds pretty crummy. i have no children/stepchildren -evil or otherwise, but here's my take on it. you're under alot of stress right now & don't need this. what do you need? what will make you feel better all things considered? i get the impression that not having to interact with the step daughter would be a blessing. you don't mention how long you've been family to them - i gather it's been awhile from what you write & it's got to be very difficult emotionally to have reached out & only had them act out in return. & yet there isn't anything you can do to change where they are at. so trust your instincts about what is best for you right now & then protect yourself from the no longer little stepkids.
re: the money lent - that is an issue between you & your significant other to discuss if it still weighs on you. for this year, i think i would have a discussion with him about lending other money to her in this manner (when you're up to it) - seems reasonable to expect an adult to use their own money to buy gifts for people. if your s.o. wants to buy her a gift - great. but i don't see why you should feel like you need to under the circumstances.
i'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. but hope some of the feedback you get helps.
ellen
that sounds pretty crummy. i have no children/stepchildren -evil or otherwise, but here's my take on it. you're under alot of stress right now & don't need this. what do you need? what will make you feel better all things considered? i get the impression that not having to interact with the step daughter would be a blessing. you don't mention how long you've been family to them - i gather it's been awhile from what you write & it's got to be very difficult emotionally to have reached out & only had them act out in return. & yet there isn't anything you can do to change where they are at. so trust your instincts about what is best for you right now & then protect yourself from the no longer little stepkids.
re: the money lent - that is an issue between you & your significant other to discuss if it still weighs on you. for this year, i think i would have a discussion with him about lending other money to her in this manner (when you're up to it) - seems reasonable to expect an adult to use their own money to buy gifts for people. if your s.o. wants to buy her a gift - great. but i don't see why you should feel like you need to under the circumstances.
i'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. but hope some of the feedback you get helps.
ellen
Ladies!! Thank you so much for responding!!
I have never been out and out rude to this girl, nor have I been mean or impolite, even....as much as it has galled me at times. I was not raised to be rude to people, its just the way I am.
My partner has tried to talk to his girl about me, and it always comes back to him "deserting" her mother, when in fact, she was the one who publicly threw him out!! And somehow this situation has become all twisted around...and I am the all evil homewrecking wench, when in reality things were over between them before I stepped into the pictures. It is kind of like the ex wife has re-written history to suit her needs.....and has dragged her kids down into an abyss of bitterness and hatred.
This same exwife had talked your crooked lawyer (or visa vera??) into going to court, behind my partner's back....and telling the courts they didn't know where he lived or worked, which the certainly DID!! This was done because she wanted a certain amount of child support....and his income at that time would not have generated what she wanted.
I have spoken with the son myself, and tried to explain things to him, that I am not gonna go away....that his father loves me and I love him....that the relationship between his parents is OVER. And he behaves so-so. Still never brings his girlfriend and her little daughter to visit...and he generally only calls when he wants something....but he is a little better than the daughter.
I don't want to take away the father/child relationship at all! But nor is it fair that the daughter uses the father, only for cash. I used to hope she would grow up and not be so negatively influenced by her mother, but it is getting worse as time has passed. Maybe on some level (yikes, I hate to actually write this down!! makes me feel like a terrible person) I would prefer her not being in my life. Maybe all the hurt she has caused is irreversable.
I have never been out and out rude to this girl, nor have I been mean or impolite, even....as much as it has galled me at times. I was not raised to be rude to people, its just the way I am.
My partner has tried to talk to his girl about me, and it always comes back to him "deserting" her mother, when in fact, she was the one who publicly threw him out!! And somehow this situation has become all twisted around...and I am the all evil homewrecking wench, when in reality things were over between them before I stepped into the pictures. It is kind of like the ex wife has re-written history to suit her needs.....and has dragged her kids down into an abyss of bitterness and hatred.
This same exwife had talked your crooked lawyer (or visa vera??) into going to court, behind my partner's back....and telling the courts they didn't know where he lived or worked, which the certainly DID!! This was done because she wanted a certain amount of child support....and his income at that time would not have generated what she wanted.
I have spoken with the son myself, and tried to explain things to him, that I am not gonna go away....that his father loves me and I love him....that the relationship between his parents is OVER. And he behaves so-so. Still never brings his girlfriend and her little daughter to visit...and he generally only calls when he wants something....but he is a little better than the daughter.
I don't want to take away the father/child relationship at all! But nor is it fair that the daughter uses the father, only for cash. I used to hope she would grow up and not be so negatively influenced by her mother, but it is getting worse as time has passed. Maybe on some level (yikes, I hate to actually write this down!! makes me feel like a terrible person) I would prefer her not being in my life. Maybe all the hurt she has caused is irreversable.
THE NASTY STEP DAUGHTER!!! BUY HER A GIFT MAYBE SHE WILL FEEL GULITY!!! HUGS TERRY
First, let me say, I have no experience with step-children.
Do you and your partner have separate bank accounts? Do you disclose all spending to each other? While I can certainly understand why you think he should have told you about the money he gave his daughter, if he doesn't tell you everything else he spends, then *perhaps* it's unreasonable to think he should have told you about giving her the money. (Plus, it's already a source of contention anyway.)
Your relationship is with your partner - not his kids. You've been with him for years. You two share the bond. WHile it would be nice if his children had familial feelings towards you - they apparently don't. And, they don't have to. You can't make someone like you. It takes two people to have a relationship. You've done your part. If they don't respond in kind, then it's their loss.
That said, they should at least treat you decently. If they can't, they wouldn't be welcome in my house. I don't know whether I would buy her a gift or not. I wouldn't try to buy her love - I do know that. I would also expect my partner to stand by me. He needs to tell her (not that it's any of her business) that you have a nice home because YOU WORKED FOR IT. She needs to grow up, but until she does, I would be polite with her, but I wouldn't go out of my way to get her to like me.
Do you and your partner have separate bank accounts? Do you disclose all spending to each other? While I can certainly understand why you think he should have told you about the money he gave his daughter, if he doesn't tell you everything else he spends, then *perhaps* it's unreasonable to think he should have told you about giving her the money. (Plus, it's already a source of contention anyway.)
Your relationship is with your partner - not his kids. You've been with him for years. You two share the bond. WHile it would be nice if his children had familial feelings towards you - they apparently don't. And, they don't have to. You can't make someone like you. It takes two people to have a relationship. You've done your part. If they don't respond in kind, then it's their loss.
That said, they should at least treat you decently. If they can't, they wouldn't be welcome in my house. I don't know whether I would buy her a gift or not. I wouldn't try to buy her love - I do know that. I would also expect my partner to stand by me. He needs to tell her (not that it's any of her business) that you have a nice home because YOU WORKED FOR IT. She needs to grow up, but until she does, I would be polite with her, but I wouldn't go out of my way to get her to like me.
QUOTE (Floater @ Dec 5 2007, 02:50 PM) 
Hey Gang,
I see a lot of posts on here from people dreading the upcoming Christmas holidays and family nightmares. I can so relate, as I have my own issues and they are quite difficult and crank up my anxiety and stress....and rage!!!
My partner and I are not legally married, I have chosen to remain in this state as I have TWO failed marriages behind me and just don't want to do it again. Our relationship works the way it is, and I really don't want to mess it up....getting married might ruin it!! This is our decision to make and nobody has a problem with it....except HIS KIDS!!
I honestly do not believe his kids have any moral issues with it at all, they both live with their BF/GF themselves. Instead they use it as a weapon against me. I am not their "stepmother" and I am not a "part of their family." Over the years I have been overlooked on my birthday, mothers day, Christmas, etc. I have cooked wonderful meals on these holidays and they don't come....they have even been staying at our home, watched me get the meal ready...and then left before mealtime. For a long time it really hurt me.
I used to buy them lovely gifts for their birthdays and christmas's.....
In 2006 my partners father passed away.....my partners children brought their mother to the home of my FIL, while he was laying dead on the floor of his bedroom...and SERIOUSLY added to the upset of the day!! The whole family was ANGRY that this exwife would put in an appearance at that time!!! It was extremely uncomfortable for everyone.....although it did take some of the focus off the sadness of the moment. Is that good or bad?? I think it was bad.....
Then those kids started harassing their grandmother about having their mother be in the obit, not me. I was in the obit, of course...my partners parents love me, I am kind and loving to their son.
The other day the daughter (who is 19) said it was UNFAIR that we live in such a nice home, compared to the home she has.........
My partner went into personal bankruptcy right when we first got together, there is nothing in this home that hasn't come from MY hard work and sucess!! Which is not to say my partner hasn't always worked and contributed, he has....but he hasn't made the kind of income I do!
Last Christmas....and I just found this out 2 days ago!!!!.....my partner had lent (ya right, GIVEN would be the word) money to his daughter so she could buy some Christmas gifts...well guess what we got from her??? Nada, zilch, zip....nothin!! Not even a card! So my man paid for Christmas gifts for his ex!!! He kept this fact from me, as I think he was 1. Embarassed he had given her money. 2. Was extremely hurt and angry his daughter left him out completely for Christmas. 3. Was worried how angry this would make me!.
So...here is my dilemma. Should my partner give his greedy, mean, ignorant daughter a Christmas gift?? His son is smart enough not to verbalize how he may or may not feel about me, and he has already given us a Christmas card......we will most likely include the son in our gift giving.
This daughter....who I honestly can NOT STAND....has already been on his case, wanting money again....but in the next breath reminding him that I am not part of her family!! And telling him that I have never done anything for her!! which is so not true.......although since my FIL passed away I have taken a huge step backwards away from her. I will not tolerate being treated with such disrespect from some kid! So she is no longer part of MY family these days.
Sometimes I feel I am acting no better than her, but at the same time....she can not behave as she has been, without there being some consequence. Am I right?? Am I wrong?? I am too emotionally involved to see this situation objectively!! Help me see things clearly!! Ladies you are all so wise!!!
I see a lot of posts on here from people dreading the upcoming Christmas holidays and family nightmares. I can so relate, as I have my own issues and they are quite difficult and crank up my anxiety and stress....and rage!!!
My partner and I are not legally married, I have chosen to remain in this state as I have TWO failed marriages behind me and just don't want to do it again. Our relationship works the way it is, and I really don't want to mess it up....getting married might ruin it!! This is our decision to make and nobody has a problem with it....except HIS KIDS!!
I honestly do not believe his kids have any moral issues with it at all, they both live with their BF/GF themselves. Instead they use it as a weapon against me. I am not their "stepmother" and I am not a "part of their family." Over the years I have been overlooked on my birthday, mothers day, Christmas, etc. I have cooked wonderful meals on these holidays and they don't come....they have even been staying at our home, watched me get the meal ready...and then left before mealtime. For a long time it really hurt me.
I used to buy them lovely gifts for their birthdays and christmas's.....
In 2006 my partners father passed away.....my partners children brought their mother to the home of my FIL, while he was laying dead on the floor of his bedroom...and SERIOUSLY added to the upset of the day!! The whole family was ANGRY that this exwife would put in an appearance at that time!!! It was extremely uncomfortable for everyone.....although it did take some of the focus off the sadness of the moment. Is that good or bad?? I think it was bad.....
Then those kids started harassing their grandmother about having their mother be in the obit, not me. I was in the obit, of course...my partners parents love me, I am kind and loving to their son.
The other day the daughter (who is 19) said it was UNFAIR that we live in such a nice home, compared to the home she has.........
My partner went into personal bankruptcy right when we first got together, there is nothing in this home that hasn't come from MY hard work and sucess!! Which is not to say my partner hasn't always worked and contributed, he has....but he hasn't made the kind of income I do!
Last Christmas....and I just found this out 2 days ago!!!!.....my partner had lent (ya right, GIVEN would be the word) money to his daughter so she could buy some Christmas gifts...well guess what we got from her??? Nada, zilch, zip....nothin!! Not even a card! So my man paid for Christmas gifts for his ex!!! He kept this fact from me, as I think he was 1. Embarassed he had given her money. 2. Was extremely hurt and angry his daughter left him out completely for Christmas. 3. Was worried how angry this would make me!.
So...here is my dilemma. Should my partner give his greedy, mean, ignorant daughter a Christmas gift?? His son is smart enough not to verbalize how he may or may not feel about me, and he has already given us a Christmas card......we will most likely include the son in our gift giving.
This daughter....who I honestly can NOT STAND....has already been on his case, wanting money again....but in the next breath reminding him that I am not part of her family!! And telling him that I have never done anything for her!! which is so not true.......although since my FIL passed away I have taken a huge step backwards away from her. I will not tolerate being treated with such disrespect from some kid! So she is no longer part of MY family these days.
Sometimes I feel I am acting no better than her, but at the same time....she can not behave as she has been, without there being some consequence. Am I right?? Am I wrong?? I am too emotionally involved to see this situation objectively!! Help me see things clearly!! Ladies you are all so wise!!!
Kathie, I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you considering all the abuse you've taken from this girl. You have been very gracious towards her in that you haven't tore into her, but you have tried to love her and accept her despite her hatefulness toward you. I believe you have gone above and beyond the call of duty in order to keep the peace in your home..... obviously to your own detriment.
Maybe it's time for you to take a step back and let your partner decide what he wants to do with his kids. Let the burden fall on him. Yes it may be extremely difficult to sit back and watch the kids take advantage of him, but they are his kids and this is something he really needs to see for himself. He already knows how you feel and Im certain it will jerk a huge knot in his drawers when you wash your hands of the entire situation. And I certainly would not go out of my way if i were you to include them in anything you do as a family.
For what it's worth, I hope this helps!!
Im thinkin of you.
Love,
bev
Dear ((((Floater)))))
In the words of Freud....OYYYY Vey Vat a Delimna!!!
On one hand I see the fathers side of view ~ your significant other (SO)....this is afterall his daughter. On the other hand I most certainly see and agree wholeheartedly with your point of view. I have a step mother and I have a 19 year old daughter.......My son who is older.....has a step mom and siblings from his Dads and second wife's....(My first husband)......and Christmas is nothing short of Stressful.....lets just say we are the poster family for the "Dysfunctionals" ....Don't EVEN get me started on my current husbands family or even my own for that matter......lets just say .....while other families are singing....I'm dreaming of a white Christmas....I am singing.......I am dreaming of Red wine and Valium!!!
Here is where I stand on the 19 year old daughter and $$Mulah$$ for her to buy presents. I do not think that good ole Dad should give her ANY money at all. She can get a part time job or make some gifts....I.E. write a poem, give a gift certificate for a dinner at her place, ..make a nice card.....you get the idea. My 19 year old daughter does not have much money...what with being a starving student and all.....and ALL we expect from her is to be 'sweet' on Christmas day..make me card.....d/l a photo of herself from her camera......make me a cup of tea......just be 'nice sugar and spice' 
My son thinks we have gone way overboard with presents.....and he is right. This year we are only giving each other 'books'. My 'kids' are no longer 'kids', they are young adults and realistically ALL I want from them is to have a nice couple of days....oopsies...did I say I was being 'realisitc?'.......
I remember being mean to my Stepmom
.....but I was only 8 and I was a brat!! As I grew wiser and older...by the age of 10 .....I realized what a caring loving wonderful woman she was/is. This young woman is NINETEEN years old for goodness sakes....I wouldn't put up with her bratty ways for a second!! (Just put my foot down so hard I scared the cat 
)
There is NO need for a 19 year old to go to Mommy or Daddy for money to buy presents.
There is NO need for a 19 year old to whine to Daddy about his "wife" (thats you)
There is NO need for a 19 year old to be allowed to get away with such RUDE behaviour.
This is setting up THIS 19 year old for some hard lessons in life.......when things don't go well, or boo-hoo life is sooooo unfair.....I can always go to "Daddy'?!
Time for THIS 19 year old to GROW UP!!
Ohh I almost forgot...since when does a 19 year old have a better 'pad' than "Daddy"? Are you kidding me? My daughter lives in a hovel with 2 other room mates as she studies 24/7 in her 2nd year of university. ...ahem...she NEVER goes out drinking...that's my story and I am sticking to it....
Whew....I got so irrate...I just scared myself!
Bottom Line......Time for THIS 19 year old to GROW UP!! Daddy is doing a HUGE dis-service to his daughter.
I think I better quit before my head explodes............
Darn....too late ~~~~~
Dottie
In the words of Freud....OYYYY Vey Vat a Delimna!!!
On one hand I see the fathers side of view ~ your significant other (SO)....this is afterall his daughter. On the other hand I most certainly see and agree wholeheartedly with your point of view. I have a step mother and I have a 19 year old daughter.......My son who is older.....has a step mom and siblings from his Dads and second wife's....(My first husband)......and Christmas is nothing short of Stressful.....lets just say we are the poster family for the "Dysfunctionals" ....Don't EVEN get me started on my current husbands family or even my own for that matter......lets just say .....while other families are singing....I'm dreaming of a white Christmas....I am singing.......I am dreaming of Red wine and Valium!!!
Here is where I stand on the 19 year old daughter and $$Mulah$$ for her to buy presents. I do not think that good ole Dad should give her ANY money at all. She can get a part time job or make some gifts....I.E. write a poem, give a gift certificate for a dinner at her place, ..make a nice card.....you get the idea. My 19 year old daughter does not have much money...what with being a starving student and all
.....and ALL we expect from her is to be 'sweet' on Christmas day..make me card.....d/l a photo of herself from her camera......make me a cup of tea......just be 'nice sugar and spice' My son thinks we have gone way overboard with presents.....and he is right. This year we are only giving each other 'books'. My 'kids' are no longer 'kids', they are young adults and realistically ALL I want from them is to have a nice couple of days....oopsies...did I say I was being 'realisitc?'.......
I remember being mean to my Stepmom
.....but I was only 8 and I was a brat!! As I grew wiser and older...by the age of 10 .....I realized what a caring loving wonderful woman she was/is. This young woman is NINETEEN years old for goodness sakes....I wouldn't put up with her bratty ways for a second!! (Just put my foot down so hard I scared the cat )There is NO need for a 19 year old to go to Mommy or Daddy for money to buy presents.
There is NO need for a 19 year old to whine to Daddy about his "wife" (thats you)
There is NO need for a 19 year old to be allowed to get away with such RUDE behaviour.
This is setting up THIS 19 year old for some hard lessons in life.......when things don't go well, or boo-hoo life is sooooo unfair.....I can always go to "Daddy'?!
Time for THIS 19 year old to GROW UP!!
Ohh I almost forgot...since when does a 19 year old have a better 'pad' than "Daddy"? Are you kidding me? My daughter lives in a hovel with 2 other room mates as she studies 24/7 in her 2nd year of university. ...ahem...she NEVER goes out drinking...that's my story and I am sticking to it....
Whew....I got so irrate...I just scared myself!
Bottom Line......Time for THIS 19 year old to GROW UP!! Daddy is doing a HUGE dis-service to his daughter.
I think I better quit before my head explodes............
Darn....too late ~~~~~
Dottie
Dottie, that was hysterical!! Dear, wonderful Kathie, how could anyone who knows you think of you in such a way. Unfortunately, some people have a lack of sensitivity and humanity. Im with Lizzie, Buy the ungrateful girl a Gift, perhaps she will feel a smidgen of humility!
Hugs,
Ivy
Hugs,
Ivy
Dottie, you are so funny!
Now on to the stepdaughter............I totally agree with Dottie. She is an adult and needs to be treated as such. She is being disrespectful like she is 9 not 19. Its time for her to grow up. I wish I could say how I would handle the situation, but I'm sure that I would get some negative feedback. But I am biting my tongue right now and it hurts.
BH
Now on to the stepdaughter............I totally agree with Dottie. She is an adult and needs to be treated as such. She is being disrespectful like she is 9 not 19. Its time for her to grow up. I wish I could say how I would handle the situation, but I'm sure that I would get some negative feedback. But I am biting my tongue right now and it hurts.
BH
Just a small thought to ponder anyway you like: 19 year olds are still kids....recent science statat that a childs brains does not full mature to understand consequeces of their actions until 21 or 22...this is all new to us, but when I remember back, don't think I was quite acting like a mature adult until age...wait....hmm....seems like I haven't reached there yet.......!
If you can, let it all wash over you...doesn't sound like it is your problem but rather your significant other and his daughter's....you are a great person and perhaps one day she will come around...for me I may just try to avoid upsetting myself and getting involved with her in any way...separate yourself for now as much as possible, but without closing the door permanently...in 20 years or so...she may surprise you....at the very least you won't have any regrets about how you handled it....
If you can, let it all wash over you...doesn't sound like it is your problem but rather your significant other and his daughter's....you are a great person and perhaps one day she will come around...for me I may just try to avoid upsetting myself and getting involved with her in any way...separate yourself for now as much as possible, but without closing the door permanently...in 20 years or so...she may surprise you....at the very least you won't have any regrets about how you handled it....
QUOTE (sybilleruth @ Dec 5 2007, 05:01 PM)
If I were you, I would take two L-Theanine first thing in the morning, explain to your SO that he needs to be by your side in all things and tell his daughter hard work got where you both are and that is something she will have to learn. No hand outs unless there is an emergency. Treating you with disrespect - your SO should not put up with. I like you and I don't even know you.
Sybilleruth!! Thank you SO much for introducing me, my family....and many PS sisters to the joys of L-Theanine!! It is great stuff and has made my life almost normal!!
thanks for your response....and I agree with you.
I like you too!!!!
Kathie
QUOTE (RoundRobin @ Dec 5 2007, 05:09 PM)
Kathie: You are NOT wrong, you are NOT crazy and you NOT overreacting. This step daughter sounds horrible. The man I dated before my current husband had evil children. And I do mean EVIL. His daughter sabotaged our relationship every step of the way. To this day I think she is a sociopath. What does your partner say about her behavior towards you? I would demand that she not be allowed in your home until she cleans up her act. No more money, no more welcome mat. This is a child out of control. Her behavior speaks volume about her mother---Stand up for yourself; she's exhibiting this behavior because she can.
Best of luck....I'll be thinking of you...
Best of luck....I'll be thinking of you...
Robin! I love reading your responses, you are always so PASSIONATE!! Love it!! Don't stop being you!!
My partner is not happy about his daughter at all. I have not stopped her from coming into my house, but she rarely does and is never invited by me. I would never give her money, but I can't stop her father...although after what happened last Christmas I don't know if he will again. But he is kind and generous and sweet, which is why I love him....so if he does, I can't hold it against him....
Her mother is very twisted, poor daughter!! She is becoming just like her mom.
Thanks for the input!
QUOTE (Crazy in CA @ Dec 5 2007, 05:32 PM)
I'm with Robin! This chick is just plain rude and needs some manners. That is YOUR house and if she can't treat everybody in with kindness and respect she doesn't get access to you, your money or you hospitality. Put you foot done now! She needs some parameters so set them up loud and clear!
Crazy..tough love is probably the answer, but it is not my place to administer it. And she has never said anything to ME....I think she is scared of me....
QUOTE (TK21155 @ Dec 5 2007, 06:11 PM)
I'm probably gonna get blasted for this, but I am a believer in always taking the high road. Not that it's easy, and I've been off that path many times myself. The thing is, your husband loaned/gave the daughter money without discussing it with you. That issue should between you and him. What she did with the money is another story. It doesn't sound like she's ever had anything expected of her other than the way she is behaving.
I would give her a gift. It would be because everyone is getting gifts and while not giving her one would send a message, it would not be that message that would be taken to heart.
When the season is over and there is a calm time, I would have a talk with this daughter. Without picking apart everything that has happened in the past, I would let her know that I love her father very much and that I will always want to make a home for him and see him happy. I would mention that you have the things you have because you have worked very hard for them and deserve them. And that she very well do the same for herself. And I would tell her that I wanted a different kind of relationship with her where you could treat one another with respect.
I would give her a gift. It would be because everyone is getting gifts and while not giving her one would send a message, it would not be that message that would be taken to heart.
When the season is over and there is a calm time, I would have a talk with this daughter. Without picking apart everything that has happened in the past, I would let her know that I love her father very much and that I will always want to make a home for him and see him happy. I would mention that you have the things you have because you have worked very hard for them and deserve them. And that she very well do the same for herself. And I would tell her that I wanted a different kind of relationship with her where you could treat one another with respect.
TK....I won't blast you!! And I have tried to take the high road, insofar as I have not confronted her about her awful behaviour....or even brought it to her attention that I am well aware of how she slams me to anyone who will listen to her....but never to my face. Coward, I wish she would because believe me....in a confrontation I would take her down - verbally!!
I can't give her a gift, I just can't do it......if her father chooses to, well that is his right. I do appreciate another perspective though....and I thought long and hard about what you have written. I read this whole thread like 4 times trying to process all the different angles....and I think yours I thought about the most.....
but I can't do it. Her father got no phone calls, cards or gifts this past year for his birthday or for fathers day.....nope I will not reward her.
QUOTE (Tiger79 @ Dec 5 2007, 06:29 PM)
I agree with TK. The issue here lies more between you and your partner than between you and his daughter. She's his child, and he should be able to maintain a relationship with her *and* with you. He needs to make that clear to her. He's caught in the middle right now, and is undoubtedly very uncomfortable with the whole situation. The two of you need to sit down and talk about this first, and then you can talk to the daughter after the holidays, as TK suggests.
The daughter is very badly behaved, so you need to show her how someone with manners should act. Be polite, give her a small gift, and take the high road. Being unfailingly polite to someone can drive them crazy.
The daughter is very badly behaved, so you need to show her how someone with manners should act. Be polite, give her a small gift, and take the high road. Being unfailingly polite to someone can drive them crazy.
Tiger...thank you for your input, I do appreciate all the different points of view...it really makes me think about things from different angles. I do feel very badly for my SO, he is in a terrible place...I also know if a choice is forced on him, he will chose me. But it is also VERY difficult to watch how poorly he is treated and not get angry....I feel very protective towards him.
I have alway been polite and had good manners around her....but there will be no gift.
QUOTE (epdp2 @ Dec 5 2007, 06:38 PM)
kathie,
that sounds pretty crummy. i have no children/stepchildren -evil or otherwise, but here's my take on it. you're under alot of stress right now & don't need this. what do you need? what will make you feel better all things considered? i get the impression that not having to interact with the step daughter would be a blessing. you don't mention how long you've been family to them - i gather it's been awhile from what you write & it's got to be very difficult emotionally to have reached out & only had them act out in return. & yet there isn't anything you can do to change where they are at. so trust your instincts about what is best for you right now & then protect yourself from the no longer little stepkids.
re: the money lent - that is an issue between you & your significant other to discuss if it still weighs on you. for this year, i think i would have a discussion with him about lending other money to her in this manner (when you're up to it) - seems reasonable to expect an adult to use their own money to buy gifts for people. if your s.o. wants to buy her a gift - great. but i don't see why you should feel like you need to under the circumstances.
i'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. but hope some of the feedback you get helps.
ellen
that sounds pretty crummy. i have no children/stepchildren -evil or otherwise, but here's my take on it. you're under alot of stress right now & don't need this. what do you need? what will make you feel better all things considered? i get the impression that not having to interact with the step daughter would be a blessing. you don't mention how long you've been family to them - i gather it's been awhile from what you write & it's got to be very difficult emotionally to have reached out & only had them act out in return. & yet there isn't anything you can do to change where they are at. so trust your instincts about what is best for you right now & then protect yourself from the no longer little stepkids.
re: the money lent - that is an issue between you & your significant other to discuss if it still weighs on you. for this year, i think i would have a discussion with him about lending other money to her in this manner (when you're up to it) - seems reasonable to expect an adult to use their own money to buy gifts for people. if your s.o. wants to buy her a gift - great. but i don't see why you should feel like you need to under the circumstances.
i'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. but hope some of the feedback you get helps.
ellen
Ellen: You are such a dear!! My SO and I have been together for over 7 years. And you are correct that I really don't need this right now...like I don't have enough stress to deal with as it is!!! Sheesh, if its not one thing it is another.
The money issues is annoying because he took a whole year to mention it....but he had said he was not going to, and then he did, and then he didn't tell me. Although I get why he didn't tell me. Of course I forgive him, he is kind and can't help himself, which only makes me more angry at the daughter!! Taking advantage of his generous heart.
I already said it above...I will not get her a gift, but if her father wishes to, it is his call.
QUOTE (TidalWaves @ Dec 5 2007, 09:17 PM)
Kathie, I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you considering all the abuse you've taken from this girl. You have been very gracious towards her in that you haven't tore into her, but you have tried to love her and accept her despite her hatefulness toward you. I believe you have gone above and beyond the call of duty in order to keep the peace in your home..... obviously to your own detriment.
Maybe it's time for you to take a step back and let your partner decide what he wants to do with his kids. Let the burden fall on him. Yes it may be extremely difficult to sit back and watch the kids take advantage of him, but they are his kids and this is something he really needs to see for himself. He already knows how you feel and Im certain it will jerk a huge knot in his drawers when you wash your hands of the entire situation. And I certainly would not go out of my way if i were you to include them in anything you do as a family.
For what it's worth, I hope this helps!!
Im thinkin of you.
Love,
bev
Maybe it's time for you to take a step back and let your partner decide what he wants to do with his kids. Let the burden fall on him. Yes it may be extremely difficult to sit back and watch the kids take advantage of him, but they are his kids and this is something he really needs to see for himself. He already knows how you feel and Im certain it will jerk a huge knot in his drawers when you wash your hands of the entire situation. And I certainly would not go out of my way if i were you to include them in anything you do as a family.
For what it's worth, I hope this helps!!
Im thinkin of you.
Love,
bev
Bev, my dear friend....thank you so much for your supportive words!! Your words pretty much sum up what I have decided to do. Its the best I can manage. I may have a hard time keeping my opinion to myself though. I am not very good at hiding my feelings from him!!
All this responses have helped...and I love the different takes on the situation. Wonderful feedback.
Love to you
Kathie
QUOTE (Dotcalm2u @ Dec 5 2007, 10:40 PM)
Dear ((((Floater)))))
In the words of Freud....OYYYY Vey Vat a Delimna!!!
On one hand I see the fathers side of view ~ your significant other (SO)....this is afterall his daughter. On the other hand I most certainly see and agree wholeheartedly with your point of view. I have a step mother and I have a 19 year old daughter.......My son who is older.....has a step mom and siblings from his Dads and second wife's....(My first husband)......and Christmas is nothing short of Stressful.....lets just say we are the poster family for the "Dysfunctionals" ....Don't EVEN get me started on my current husbands family or even my own for that matter......lets just say .....while other families are singing....I'm dreaming of a white Christmas....I am singing.......I am dreaming of Red wine and Valium!!!
Here is where I stand on the 19 year old daughter and $$Mulah$$ for her to buy presents. I do not think that good ole Dad should give her ANY money at all. She can get a part time job or make some gifts....I.E. write a poem, give a gift certificate for a dinner at her place, ..make a nice card.....you get the idea. My 19 year old daughter does not have much money...what with being a starving student and all.....and ALL we expect from her is to be 'sweet' on Christmas day..make me card.....d/l a photo of herself from her camera......make me a cup of tea......just be 'nice sugar and spice'
My son thinks we have gone way overboard with presents.....and he is right. This year we are only giving each other 'books'. My 'kids' are no longer 'kids', they are young adults and realistically ALL I want from them is to have a nice couple of days....oopsies...did I say I was being 'realisitc?'.......
I remember being mean to my Stepmom.....but I was only 8 and I was a brat!! As I grew wiser and older...by the age of 10 .....I realized what a caring loving wonderful woman she was/is. This young woman is NINETEEN years old for goodness sakes....I wouldn't put up with her bratty ways for a second!! (Just put my foot down so hard I scared the cat )
There is NO need for a 19 year old to go to Mommy or Daddy for money to buy presents.
There is NO need for a 19 year old to whine to Daddy about his "wife" (thats you)
There is NO need for a 19 year old to be allowed to get away with such RUDE behaviour.
This is setting up THIS 19 year old for some hard lessons in life.......when things don't go well, or boo-hoo life is sooooo unfair.....I can always go to "Daddy'?!
Time for THIS 19 year old to GROW UP!!
Ohh I almost forgot...since when does a 19 year old have a better 'pad' than "Daddy"? Are you kidding me? My daughter lives in a hovel with 2 other room mates as she studies 24/7 in her 2nd year of university. ...ahem...she NEVER goes out drinking...that's my story and I am sticking to it....
Whew....I got so irrate...I just scared myself!
Bottom Line......Time for THIS 19 year old to GROW UP!! Daddy is doing a HUGE dis-service to his daughter.
I think I better quit before my head explodes............
Darn....too late ~~~~~
Dottie
In the words of Freud....OYYYY Vey Vat a Delimna!!!
On one hand I see the fathers side of view ~ your significant other (SO)....this is afterall his daughter. On the other hand I most certainly see and agree wholeheartedly with your point of view. I have a step mother and I have a 19 year old daughter.......My son who is older.....has a step mom and siblings from his Dads and second wife's....(My first husband)......and Christmas is nothing short of Stressful.....lets just say we are the poster family for the "Dysfunctionals" ....Don't EVEN get me started on my current husbands family or even my own for that matter......lets just say .....while other families are singing....I'm dreaming of a white Christmas....I am singing.......I am dreaming of Red wine and Valium!!!
Here is where I stand on the 19 year old daughter and $$Mulah$$ for her to buy presents. I do not think that good ole Dad should give her ANY money at all. She can get a part time job or make some gifts....I.E. write a poem, give a gift certificate for a dinner at her place, ..make a nice card.....you get the idea. My 19 year old daughter does not have much money...what with being a starving student and all
.....and ALL we expect from her is to be 'sweet' on Christmas day..make me card.....d/l a photo of herself from her camera......make me a cup of tea......just be 'nice sugar and spice' My son thinks we have gone way overboard with presents.....and he is right. This year we are only giving each other 'books'. My 'kids' are no longer 'kids', they are young adults and realistically ALL I want from them is to have a nice couple of days....oopsies...did I say I was being 'realisitc?'.......
I remember being mean to my Stepmom
.....but I was only 8 and I was a brat!! As I grew wiser and older...by the age of 10 .....I realized what a caring loving wonderful woman she was/is. This young woman is NINETEEN years old for goodness sakes....I wouldn't put up with her bratty ways for a second!! (Just put my foot down so hard I scared the cat )There is NO need for a 19 year old to go to Mommy or Daddy for money to buy presents.
There is NO need for a 19 year old to whine to Daddy about his "wife" (thats you)
There is NO need for a 19 year old to be allowed to get away with such RUDE behaviour.
This is setting up THIS 19 year old for some hard lessons in life.......when things don't go well, or boo-hoo life is sooooo unfair.....I can always go to "Daddy'?!
Time for THIS 19 year old to GROW UP!!
Ohh I almost forgot...since when does a 19 year old have a better 'pad' than "Daddy"? Are you kidding me? My daughter lives in a hovel with 2 other room mates as she studies 24/7 in her 2nd year of university. ...ahem...she NEVER goes out drinking...that's my story and I am sticking to it....
Whew....I got so irrate...I just scared myself!
Bottom Line......Time for THIS 19 year old to GROW UP!! Daddy is doing a HUGE dis-service to his daughter.
I think I better quit before my head explodes............
Darn....too late ~~~~~
Dottie Oh Dottie...you are so funny and so sweet!! And I hope your head doesn't explode!! And I appreciate the sentiment in your post!!! You are sticking up for me, and I thank you for it. Its good to feel vindicated. And I can't disagree with your words either. She is horrible and spoiled. I have FOUR of my own kids and they would never EVER behave this way....and my kids pretty much hate this girl. They are very protective of me and of my SO, it drives MY kids crazy that my SO is treated so disrespectfully.
The home she was referring to was her mother's home actually - not her apt. Somehow the mother has convinced this kid that I have HIJACKED their life! This should be THEIR home, not mine. But they would not be living here, or in a house like this, if they HAD stayed together!!! It is just so retarded!!
Thanks so much for your wonderful post!!
QUOTE (lizardlover42000 @ Dec 5 2007, 08:29 PM)
THE NASTY STEP DAUGHTER!!! BUY HER A GIFT MAYBE SHE WILL FEEL GULITY!!! HUGS TERRY
Liz - I just can't bring myself to do it!! Besides, I don't think she would feel guilty anyway.
hugs
Kathie
QUOTE (katesshadow @ Dec 5 2007, 08:35 PM)
First, let me say, I have no experience with step-children.
Do you and your partner have separate bank accounts? Do you disclose all spending to each other? While I can certainly understand why you think he should have told you about the money he gave his daughter, if he doesn't tell you everything else he spends, then *perhaps* it's unreasonable to think he should have told you about giving her the money. (Plus, it's already a source of contention anyway.)
Your relationship is with your partner - not his kids. You've been with him for years. You two share the bond. WHile it would be nice if his children had familial feelings towards you - they apparently don't. And, they don't have to. You can't make someone like you. It takes two people to have a relationship. You've done your part. If they don't respond in kind, then it's their loss.
That said, they should at least treat you decently. If they can't, they wouldn't be welcome in my house. I don't know whether I would buy her a gift or not. I wouldn't try to buy her love - I do know that. I would also expect my partner to stand by me. He needs to tell her (not that it's any of her business) that you have a nice home because YOU WORKED FOR IT. She needs to grow up, but until she does, I would be polite with her, but I wouldn't go out of my way to get her to like me.
Do you and your partner have separate bank accounts? Do you disclose all spending to each other? While I can certainly understand why you think he should have told you about the money he gave his daughter, if he doesn't tell you everything else he spends, then *perhaps* it's unreasonable to think he should have told you about giving her the money. (Plus, it's already a source of contention anyway.)
Your relationship is with your partner - not his kids. You've been with him for years. You two share the bond. WHile it would be nice if his children had familial feelings towards you - they apparently don't. And, they don't have to. You can't make someone like you. It takes two people to have a relationship. You've done your part. If they don't respond in kind, then it's their loss.
That said, they should at least treat you decently. If they can't, they wouldn't be welcome in my house. I don't know whether I would buy her a gift or not. I wouldn't try to buy her love - I do know that. I would also expect my partner to stand by me. He needs to tell her (not that it's any of her business) that you have a nice home because YOU WORKED FOR IT. She needs to grow up, but until she does, I would be polite with her, but I wouldn't go out of my way to get her to like me.
kate: you make some valid points for sure. My only reason for being annoyed about the money issue, it he said he would not give her any...and then went behind my back and gave her some. The money itself is not the issue.
I also agree his kids don't have to like me, but I do believe they have to accept me. I am not overly fond of my mother's husband, but I would never tell her that. If he makes her happy, who am I to stand in their way?? I don't think it is my place, as her daughter, to tell her I don't like her husband and put her in such an awkward position. That is really all I expect from my SO kids.
I believe my SO tries to stand by me, but he is in the middle...I don't envy him that position at all.
QUOTE (Ivy lena @ Dec 5 2007, 10:52 PM)
Dottie, that was hysterical!! Dear, wonderful Kathie, how could anyone who knows you think of you in such a way. Unfortunately, some people have a lack of sensitivity and humanity. Im with Lizzie, Buy the ungrateful girl a Gift, perhaps she will feel a smidgen of humility!
Hugs,
Ivy
Hugs,
Ivy
Ivy, you are so very kind! And you know, probably better than anyone, how bad this feels!! Thanks for thinking of me and taking the time to respond. But, there will be no gift from me. Yes, I am that petty!! maybe i am not so wonderful afterall!!!
hugs
QUOTE (Bigheart @ Dec 5 2007, 11:40 PM)
Dottie, you are so funny!
Now on to the stepdaughter............I totally agree with Dottie. She is an adult and needs to be treated as such. She is being disrespectful like she is 9 not 19. Its time for her to grow up. I wish I could say how I would handle the situation, but I'm sure that I would get some negative feedback. But I am biting my tongue right now and it hurts.
BH
Now on to the stepdaughter............I totally agree with Dottie. She is an adult and needs to be treated as such. She is being disrespectful like she is 9 not 19. Its time for her to grow up. I wish I could say how I would handle the situation, but I'm sure that I would get some negative feedback. But I am biting my tongue right now and it hurts.
BH
Bigheart!! I kinda wish you HAD told me what you really think!!!! I wouldn't have given you negative feedback!! LOL!! I asked for opinions, I sure didn't expect them all to be the same as mine....and I really wanted to see the ones that were different. Brainstorming...thats what we are doing here!! Ultimately it is going to be my decision, but all this feedback has been very helpful. it really has.
And shouldn't you have been biting your fingers!!!! LOL!!!
QUOTE (Dotcalm2u @ Dec 5 2007, 10:40 PM)
Dear ((((Floater)))))
In the words of Freud....OYYYY Vey Vat a Delimna!!!
On one hand I see the fathers side of view ~ your significant other (SO)....this is afterall his daughter. On the other hand I most certainly see and agree wholeheartedly with your point of view. I have a step mother and I have a 19 year old daughter.......My son who is older.....has a step mom and siblings from his Dads and second wife's....(My first husband)......and Christmas is nothing short of Stressful.....lets just say we are the poster family for the "Dysfunctionals" ....Don't EVEN get me started on my current husbands family or even my own for that matter......lets just say .....while other families are singing....I'm dreaming of a white Christmas....I am singing.......I am dreaming of Red wine and Valium!!!
Here is where I stand on the 19 year old daughter and $$Mulah$$ for her to buy presents. I do not think that good ole Dad should give her ANY money at all. She can get a part time job or make some gifts....I.E. write a poem, give a gift certificate for a dinner at her place, ..make a nice card.....you get the idea. My 19 year old daughter does not have much money...what with being a starving student and all .....and ALL we expect from her is to be 'sweet' on Christmas day..make me card.....d/l a photo of herself from her camera......make me a cup of tea......just be 'nice sugar and spice'
My son thinks we have gone way overboard with presents.....and he is right. This year we are only giving each other 'books'. My 'kids' are no longer 'kids', they are young adults and realistically ALL I want from them is to have a nice couple of days....oopsies...did I say I was being 'realisitc?'.......
I remember being mean to my Stepmom .....but I was only 8 and I was a brat!! As I grew wiser and older...by the age of 10 .....I realized what a caring loving wonderful woman she was/is. This young woman is NINETEEN years old for goodness sakes....I wouldn't put up with her bratty ways for a second!! (Just put my foot down so hard I scared the cat )
There is NO need for a 19 year old to go to Mommy or Daddy for money to buy presents.
There is NO need for a 19 year old to whine to Daddy about his "wife" (thats you)
There is NO need for a 19 year old to be allowed to get away with such RUDE behaviour.
This is setting up THIS 19 year old for some hard lessons in life.......when things don't go well, or boo-hoo life is sooooo unfair.....I can always go to "Daddy'?!
Time for THIS 19 year old to GROW UP!!
Ohh I almost forgot...since when does a 19 year old have a better 'pad' than "Daddy"? Are you kidding me? My daughter lives in a hovel with 2 other room mates as she studies 24/7 in her 2nd year of university. ...ahem...she NEVER goes out drinking...that's my story and I am sticking to it....
Whew....I got so irrate...I just scared myself!
Bottom Line......Time for THIS 19 year old to GROW UP!! Daddy is doing a HUGE dis-service to his daughter.
I think I better quit before my head explodes............
Darn....too late ~~~~~
Dottie
In the words of Freud....OYYYY Vey Vat a Delimna!!!
On one hand I see the fathers side of view ~ your significant other (SO)....this is afterall his daughter. On the other hand I most certainly see and agree wholeheartedly with your point of view. I have a step mother and I have a 19 year old daughter.......My son who is older.....has a step mom and siblings from his Dads and second wife's....(My first husband)......and Christmas is nothing short of Stressful.....lets just say we are the poster family for the "Dysfunctionals" ....Don't EVEN get me started on my current husbands family or even my own for that matter......lets just say .....while other families are singing....I'm dreaming of a white Christmas....I am singing.......I am dreaming of Red wine and Valium!!!
Here is where I stand on the 19 year old daughter and $$Mulah$$ for her to buy presents. I do not think that good ole Dad should give her ANY money at all. She can get a part time job or make some gifts....I.E. write a poem, give a gift certificate for a dinner at her place, ..make a nice card.....you get the idea. My 19 year old daughter does not have much money...what with being a starving student and all
.....and ALL we expect from her is to be 'sweet' on Christmas day..make me card.....d/l a photo of herself from her camera......make me a cup of tea......just be 'nice sugar and spice' My son thinks we have gone way overboard with presents.....and he is right. This year we are only giving each other 'books'. My 'kids' are no longer 'kids', they are young adults and realistically ALL I want from them is to have a nice couple of days....oopsies...did I say I was being 'realisitc?'.......
I remember being mean to my Stepmom
.....but I was only 8 and I was a brat!! As I grew wiser and older...by the age of 10 .....I realized what a caring loving wonderful woman she was/is. This young woman is NINETEEN years old for goodness sakes....I wouldn't put up with her bratty ways for a second!! (Just put my foot down so hard I scared the cat )There is NO need for a 19 year old to go to Mommy or Daddy for money to buy presents.
There is NO need for a 19 year old to whine to Daddy about his "wife" (thats you)
There is NO need for a 19 year old to be allowed to get away with such RUDE behaviour.
This is setting up THIS 19 year old for some hard lessons in life.......when things don't go well, or boo-hoo life is sooooo unfair.....I can always go to "Daddy'?!
Time for THIS 19 year old to GROW UP!!
Ohh I almost forgot...since when does a 19 year old have a better 'pad' than "Daddy"? Are you kidding me? My daughter lives in a hovel with 2 other room mates as she studies 24/7 in her 2nd year of university. ...ahem...she NEVER goes out drinking...that's my story and I am sticking to it....
Whew....I got so irrate...I just scared myself!
Bottom Line......Time for THIS 19 year old to GROW UP!! Daddy is doing a HUGE dis-service to his daughter.
I think I better quit before my head explodes............
Darn....too late ~~~~~
Dottie WOW WOW WOW Dottie well said and I agree wholeheartedly with everything you said.
You are such an eloquent (did I spell that right??) writer......Great suggestion too about the gift certificate for dinner at her house.... I gotta remember that one but then again I hate to cook lmbo
...Maybe I could supply the house and they could bring takeaways 
....yeah that would work lol Floater I get every word you are saying and I truly feel for you as you know I have my own family issues with xmas
etc going on too lol .....A bit of tough love will go a long way with this 19 year old I'd say......she needs to learn to stand on HER own 2 feet as we all have had to do in one way or another most of our lives to get to where we are today.
Good luck with her....sounds like you're gonna need it
Rox
QUOTE (slowbear @ Dec 6 2007, 01:49 AM)
Just a small thought to ponder anyway you like: 19 year olds are still kids....recent science statat that a childs brains does not full mature to understand consequeces of their actions until 21 or 22...this is all new to us, but when I remember back, don't think I was quite acting like a mature adult until age...wait....hmm....seems like I haven't reached there yet.......!
If you can, let it all wash over you...doesn't sound like it is your problem but rather your significant other and his daughter's....you are a great person and perhaps one day she will come around...for me I may just try to avoid upsetting myself and getting involved with her in any way...separate yourself for now as much as possible, but without closing the door permanently...in 20 years or so...she may surprise you....at the very least you won't have any regrets about how you handled it....
If you can, let it all wash over you...doesn't sound like it is your problem but rather your significant other and his daughter's....you are a great person and perhaps one day she will come around...for me I may just try to avoid upsetting myself and getting involved with her in any way...separate yourself for now as much as possible, but without closing the door permanently...in 20 years or so...she may surprise you....at the very least you won't have any regrets about how you handled it....
slowbear!! See!! This is what I was talkin about! Now there is a thought! She is too immature to see the damage she is doing! And you could be correct. Sadly i don't know if this will ever change, whether she matures or not. Its just too bad she has decided to fight her mother's battle...which in itself is ridiculous.
I will sure try to let it wash over me...not as easy as it sounds though! And I have already seperated myself from her...sadly your continued bad behaviour continues to make me mad. How one stops that I don't know.....give me more drugs!! Ativan rocks!!
Thanks for bringing a new perspective!!
I would ban giving anyone money without you both agreeing.
I would give her a Christmas present to show that you can rise above the situation and that you have been brought up to respect others and their feelings.
I would also kick your husband's butt!
I would give her a Christmas present to show that you can rise above the situation and that you have been brought up to respect others and their feelings.
I would also kick your husband's butt!
Dear Float,
First and foremost, you are not petty, as you wrote in one of your posts. You are a kind, compassionate person who happens to be human. Don't berate yourself for that.
I think you should do whatever makes you feel most comfortable/less anxious. I can really relate to a lot of what you are saying, although the issues involve my parents and older sibling, not step chidren. My parents were and still are pretty dysfunctional emotionally. My father was, until a few months ago (when he had a breakdown) an untreated manic depressive. My mother was and still is an ostrich. I have always been a very sensitive and emotional being, wearing my heart on my sleeve. The family dynamics from day to day were chaotic, to say the least. I could do no right as far as my parents were concerned. The more I achieved, the more distant they were.
Over the years, I sought therapy and realized that if they could not respond to my attempts to talk things out, I would have to stay away from them. Which I did. On and off since I was about 22. There were years on end when I did not have any contact with them. My older sibling's way of dealing was to remove himself and stay aloof. My younger sister became much too attached.
I know you don't have the option of cutting this girl out of your life completely. And maybe you don't want to do that anyway. But I have realized over the years that life is too short and complicated to associate with people who are toxic to us.
I say, for what it is worth, to let your partner handle his daughter. Let the burden be on him. If you can give this mean girl a present in order to show-- again-- that you do take the high road, then go for it. If you can't, then I say don't lose sleep over it. We all do what we can do. No one can expect anything else.
I don't blame you for being so upset. I am 55 and I still crave love and acceptance from my parents, something I will never attain, especially from my father. Life is too short, and you are too wonderful, to let a little girl ruin your holiday, let alone your life.
Love and hugs,
Marcy
First and foremost, you are not petty, as you wrote in one of your posts. You are a kind, compassionate person who happens to be human. Don't berate yourself for that.
I think you should do whatever makes you feel most comfortable/less anxious. I can really relate to a lot of what you are saying, although the issues involve my parents and older sibling, not step chidren. My parents were and still are pretty dysfunctional emotionally. My father was, until a few months ago (when he had a breakdown) an untreated manic depressive. My mother was and still is an ostrich. I have always been a very sensitive and emotional being, wearing my heart on my sleeve. The family dynamics from day to day were chaotic, to say the least. I could do no right as far as my parents were concerned. The more I achieved, the more distant they were.
Over the years, I sought therapy and realized that if they could not respond to my attempts to talk things out, I would have to stay away from them. Which I did. On and off since I was about 22. There were years on end when I did not have any contact with them. My older sibling's way of dealing was to remove himself and stay aloof. My younger sister became much too attached.
I know you don't have the option of cutting this girl out of your life completely. And maybe you don't want to do that anyway. But I have realized over the years that life is too short and complicated to associate with people who are toxic to us.
I say, for what it is worth, to let your partner handle his daughter. Let the burden be on him. If you can give this mean girl a present in order to show-- again-- that you do take the high road, then go for it. If you can't, then I say don't lose sleep over it. We all do what we can do. No one can expect anything else.
I don't blame you for being so upset. I am 55 and I still crave love and acceptance from my parents, something I will never attain, especially from my father. Life is too short, and you are too wonderful, to let a little girl ruin your holiday, let alone your life.
Love and hugs,
Marcy
I want you to know that I wasn't judging you in any way! You are definately in a very stressful situation.
I think the daughter's treatment of you is basically in reaction to how she feels about her parents being divorced. She has not resolved her feelings about the situation and doesn't know how to express them in a realistic healthy way. And since you are the "outsider" here...the one that wasn't around during the marriage....her feelings are coming out at you. She feels the need to blame, and doesn't know where to direct it. Is this fair? NO Is it hurtful? YES None of this is your fault.
Your husband is in a delicate situation as well. We always try to do everything we can for our children, and if we feel guilty for something wrong in their lives, it can send us into a tailspin. I spent a long time trying to make up to my son for things I couldn't make up for. I protected him way too long and saved him from every mess he got himself into because I felt guilty about some things. In hindsight I realize that I did nothing but delay his transition from "victim" to responsible, independent person.
The guilt evil daughter is laying on dad is unfair. The cruelty she is using is unfair. And childish...and selfish. Some counseling may be in order to help her resolve her hurt and other feelings about her parents divorce. And then...someone needs to tell her to get over it! Not for your sake, but for hers. It is delaying her happiness. Tell her to not let it define her future. To move on and become a happy productive person instead of just the angry product of a divorce.
If you do get to have that talk with her, maybe you could suggest that in your home and your life, you will only discuss and participate in the "now" and the "future." That the past is not welcome in your home.
Ok, the bossy one who is always too full of advice has spoken again. I'm sorry if I've overstepped any boundries here. I truly wish all of you the best.
I think the daughter's treatment of you is basically in reaction to how she feels about her parents being divorced. She has not resolved her feelings about the situation and doesn't know how to express them in a realistic healthy way. And since you are the "outsider" here...the one that wasn't around during the marriage....her feelings are coming out at you. She feels the need to blame, and doesn't know where to direct it. Is this fair? NO Is it hurtful? YES None of this is your fault.
Your husband is in a delicate situation as well. We always try to do everything we can for our children, and if we feel guilty for something wrong in their lives, it can send us into a tailspin. I spent a long time trying to make up to my son for things I couldn't make up for. I protected him way too long and saved him from every mess he got himself into because I felt guilty about some things. In hindsight I realize that I did nothing but delay his transition from "victim" to responsible, independent person.
The guilt evil daughter is laying on dad is unfair. The cruelty she is using is unfair. And childish...and selfish. Some counseling may be in order to help her resolve her hurt and other feelings about her parents divorce. And then...someone needs to tell her to get over it! Not for your sake, but for hers. It is delaying her happiness. Tell her to not let it define her future. To move on and become a happy productive person instead of just the angry product of a divorce.
If you do get to have that talk with her, maybe you could suggest that in your home and your life, you will only discuss and participate in the "now" and the "future." That the past is not welcome in your home.
Ok, the bossy one who is always too full of advice has spoken again. I'm sorry if I've overstepped any boundries here. I truly wish all of you the best.
QUOTE (TK21155 @ Dec 6 2007, 10:54 AM)
I want you to know that I wasn't judging you in any way! You are definately in a very stressful situation.
I think the daughter's treatment of you is basically in reaction to how she feels about her parents being divorced. She has not resolved her feelings about the situation and doesn't know how to express them in a realistic healthy way. And since you are the "outsider" here...the one that wasn't around during the marriage....her feelings are coming out at you. She feels the need to blame, and doesn't know where to direct it. Is this fair? NO Is it hurtful? YES None of this is your fault.
Your husband is in a delicate situation as well. We always try to do everything we can for our children, and if we feel guilty for something wrong in their lives, it can send us into a tailspin. I spent a long time trying to make up to my son for things I couldn't make up for. I protected him way too long and saved him from every mess he got himself into because I felt guilty about some things. In hindsight I realize that I did nothing but delay his transition from "victim" to responsible, independent person.
The guilt evil daughter is laying on dad is unfair. The cruelty she is using is unfair. And childish...and selfish. Some counseling may be in order to help her resolve her hurt and other feelings about her parents divorce. And then...someone needs to tell her to get over it! Not for your sake, but for hers. It is delaying her happiness. Tell her to not let it define her future. To move on and become a happy productive person instead of just the angry product of a divorce.
If you do get to have that talk with her, maybe you could suggest that in your home and your life, you will only discuss and participate in the "now" and the "future." That the past is not welcome in your home.
Ok, the bossy one who is always too full of advice has spoken again. I'm sorry if I've overstepped any boundries here. I truly wish all of you the best.
I think the daughter's treatment of you is basically in reaction to how she feels about her parents being divorced. She has not resolved her feelings about the situation and doesn't know how to express them in a realistic healthy way. And since you are the "outsider" here...the one that wasn't around during the marriage....her feelings are coming out at you. She feels the need to blame, and doesn't know where to direct it. Is this fair? NO Is it hurtful? YES None of this is your fault.
Your husband is in a delicate situation as well. We always try to do everything we can for our children, and if we feel guilty for something wrong in their lives, it can send us into a tailspin. I spent a long time trying to make up to my son for things I couldn't make up for. I protected him way too long and saved him from every mess he got himself into because I felt guilty about some things. In hindsight I realize that I did nothing but delay his transition from "victim" to responsible, independent person.
The guilt evil daughter is laying on dad is unfair. The cruelty she is using is unfair. And childish...and selfish. Some counseling may be in order to help her resolve her hurt and other feelings about her parents divorce. And then...someone needs to tell her to get over it! Not for your sake, but for hers. It is delaying her happiness. Tell her to not let it define her future. To move on and become a happy productive person instead of just the angry product of a divorce.
If you do get to have that talk with her, maybe you could suggest that in your home and your life, you will only discuss and participate in the "now" and the "future." That the past is not welcome in your home.
Ok, the bossy one who is always too full of advice has spoken again. I'm sorry if I've overstepped any boundries here. I truly wish all of you the best.
TK!
First let me say that you have not oversteped any boundries here!! I asked for opinions.
Second let me say, the reason I haven't responded to your post up until now...is that I have been thinking about what you have said. I really do read the posts and give them consideration.
I think you are darn near spot on regarding where this daughter is at. I think she does have unresolved issues regarding her parents divorce and has shifted the blame onto me. Once, a couple years back, she said to her Dad while I was right there.."Mom said she would take you back now." I was rather shocked she would say that in my presence.
It can be very traumatic for some children of divorce, I know...but how we handle it as parents is key! My children are also children of divorce, and they are not at all like this girl...not at all. I really believe her mother has been spoon feeding the daughter all this hatred and bitterness and I am at a loss at how to counteract those effects. I believe the mother has given this girl "permission" to treat us poorly - and yet, at the same time expect to be "given" whatever she asks for and actually "owed" it!
I told my OS yesterday that I am stepping right out of his relationship with his daughter. Now I will be forced to keep my mouth shut....ohhhhh, that is gonna be hard.
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.