There was a thread about this a while ago but I couldn't find it, so I thought I'd start a new one. I'm going through one of the worst times in my life, and on top of it all, my abusive, narcissistic mother is making it worse.

I'm 45 years old, have raised a beautiful family, and yet she can reduce me to a frightened, abused little girl in a matter of minutes. I called her for support today (what a mistake) and she ended up yelling at me. ("It's all I understand", according to her.) Told me I was a loser, my husband was a loser, all my friends hate me, I make bad choices---STOP! I begged and pleaded with her to be kind to me...to say something comforting and all she did was get angrier.

I spent almost 20 years in therapy dealing with the scars my mother left in me from my childhood. She has never told me she loved me, never hugged me, and constantly told me I was ugly, unliked, wished I were dead. She tried to kill me several times when I was a child, and I was constantly physically abused by her. My father is in denial. He refuses to see what a sick, angry women she is. I thought I was on the downhill side of all this stuff, until now. The wounds are opened upu again and they are raw.

How do you deal with someone like this? I've lost all my ability to have perspective. I'm hurting so badly right now, I just want someone to comfort me, and like an idiot I turned to the one person guaranteed to make me feel horrible.

Does anyone else deal with this?

RoundRobin:

I am so sorry to hear that your mother is so abusive. She obviously has a lot of unresolved anger issues that likely have nothing to do with you yet she finds you an easy target. No mother should treat their child like this. I do not have any first hand knowledge of this type of relationship with my mom but I sure had this type of relationship with my ex. It can seriously affect your self-esteem, self-worth, and your physical and mental health.

Your mom needs some help. Though I would never hope for a relationship between a mom and daughter to end, I think you need to take a BIG step back from her until she figures out what her problems are. Do you have a minister you can talk to? A best friend? Sadly I don't think you can look to her for any support.

I hope things start working out in your favor. I realize you are having a very tough time based on your recent posts, but just know that you have a bunch of friends on Power Surge who will support you any way we can.

Keep your chin up. Things will get better.

Thanks, sweetie. My mother and I have a long, checkered history. About 15 years ago, with the help of a therapist, I "divorced" her. Sent her a letter telling her I no longer wanted her to be a part of my life. It went over like a lead balloon. She called everyone in my family and told them I was a mean, nasty daughter. And they all sided with her. I had constant phone calls from cousins, aunts, my grandmother, all telling me how much I was "killing" my poor mother.

Through the years I've dealth with her better than I am now. I now she is a sick person; she was horribly abused by her own mother (as is often the case) and is a terribly damaged person. I'm just ashamed that I fell into the trap of calling her and looking for any sort of support. She'll never change. She is in her seventies and to this day she scares me to death. I can honestly say I don't love her. It will be a relief when she is gone---is that a horrible thing to say?

I'm actually the lucky one. My brother took even more abuse from her and he is permanently brain damaged. Of course, none of this is her fault. If I had been born in 1992 instead of 1962, Child Services would have removed me from her care, but those were different days then.

I'll get a grip on this...or at least, I"ll try to....thanks for your words of support...

RoundRobin,

I just wanted to remind you that you KNOW that the things your mother told you were lies.

You did nothing wrong by trying to turn to your mother. It was only natural. Thing is, you're going to have to try to remember in the future that she is not a resource.

Your mother was damaged by her own mother which has rendered her unable to be a mother to you. It's not fair, but it is the way it is. None of this is your fault. Remember that.

Take care of yourself.

Miss Tibbs

All i can Say is Hugs!!! So sorry !!! Lizardlover

Oh RoundRobin, no matter how pretty acid looks, it is after all, acid. No matter how beautiful poisonous frogs may appear, they cannot be handled.

How does a person deal with this? Your father is a good example, he 'deals with it' by denying it even exists, by being a victim.

Because it appears by what you've told, that your mother is almost 'combative', perhaps sending the divorce letter to her was like entering the battle game with her. You fired a shot and that makes things worse because it stirs up the manure. In truth, it may well be that every time you ask her advice even or engage in conversation beyond idle chit chat, you draw her right back to a possible battlefield game.

So, if you do not want to get shot at, stay away from the battlefield. If the iron has been on for awhile, you're certainly NOT going to set your hand upon it.

Your mother will always be your mother and I have absolutely no doubt that she loves you and that you love her. But I do suggest that if you're going to be mingling with or handling dangerous materials, that you do so wearing protective gear and avoiding contact as much as possible.

So sorry (((Robin)))!
I fully agree with Buttercup and with the other ladies here - she's your mom, but a very disturbed person. She's also too old to change, but you aren't Robin!
You will come to grips with this.
Prayers and hugs, Jonie

((((robin))))....i know just how you feel...no matter what my mom says to me i always,always end up turning to her when i need someone just to regret it afterwards....i guess the "hope" never goes away...deep down i suppose i am hoping that one of these times she will actually be who and what i want her to be....i know that will never really happen but the "little girl" in me wants it so bad......
I know my mom is who she is and will always be that way....i don't like it,but i have no choice but to accept it and keep my distance from her...looks like you will have to do the same.

Hey Robin
I hope you are feeling better, at least a little. If i am allowed to put my two cents in...if you don't need your mother for anything...I would stick to that divorce paper and make it a "no-call, no-visit" no nothing. Life is too short. You can't jeopardize your precious time and life by rubbing shoulders with her. She had her chance to make a difference in your world as a child and she made bad choices. You can forgive her, but will you open youself back up for her to continiue to make bad choices in her behaviour towards you? Being older doesn't make someone merit respect. As the human being who actually gave you life, okay, but I'm talking about viewing that from far far away...yes, she gave you life, so thank you mother for bringing me to the world, anything beyond that you must thank your inner self for helping you to survive and cope. You survived, now the rest of life is to live well, happily living, and if you can see the tremendous resources you have always had inside of you that helped you to survive and thrive even, than you can try to pat yourself on the back and say, hey! I'm pretty darn nifty and I love myself, I trust my SELF and I am my own best friend!!! I will make it! Trust your instincts! Trust your gut! Take everything in to your own hands! Mother daughter things can be weird, not even counting abuse...my mother would send me strange letters, I got a birthday card and letter one time tha I could not decide if it was a jab, a nasty, a swipe, or I was reading in to it. I asked my male roommate and he said geezzzzz..I'm sorry but it's pretty obvious she doesn't like you...ouch...I was baffled, confused. I had had to leave home at 14 because of my parents choices, not mine, and did the best I could in life up until that point. Things got better later but she still doesn not accept who I am to my core, as I am a personal affront to her very being. Any chance she gets it just pops out of her, any comment where she can possibly put a dig in " oh you always did want to be different!", etc., I just understand where she is coming from and overlook it, as I seem to be the one with the better understanding, not her, I must be the "bigger" person and forgive, tolerate and have patience. When she dies and sees her life and how she dealt with me I am sure she will be free of her earthly "thinking" and prejudices, and will want closure, so I am just always willing and ready at any time...I can be bigger..I pray you find the key inside to help free yourself of your past. It doesn't matter what she did to you, what matters is that you live your life now. Any beating you received could never reach your soul...we are made much stronger than that...just wish her well even if you don't mean it at this point, in your thoughts of course...just wish her the best, wishe her happiness, wishe her peace, she's just another poor mixed up F***$d up person on this planet, but don't let her touch you..that's over physically, don't let that negative enrgy touch you emotionally....send her love..it will set you free in the end as cliched as it sounds! Love her, you love yourself.

dear roundrobin:
iam 49 and grew up with an alcoholic mother who was horribly verbally, and emotionally abusive . that is why at 15 i married 2 get out of the house away from her . no matter what i did in my life it was wrong according 2 her . however i would scream right back at her . now it took me years b 4 i realized this was just keeping the firing going . one person has 2 stop and that was me . i gave my life totally 2 god , read books and i found peace . i forgave her 4 all the horrible things she did now iam not saying u forget as i still have vivid memories . however i yes i asd we have a choice do not allow her 2 get 2 me . yr mom may b nasty and say aweful things but the choice is yrs 2 reactwhen u hear them . u can get upset and spend hours miserable or let the offense go . she will b dealt with . do u believe the things she says r true ? so why let her upset u ? i am sure u want her 2 b a loving mom , but that is probably not going 2 happen . at 79 my mom is still the same . but i pay her no mind . do not allow negative people 2 rent space in yr head . u have enough on yr plate with meno . try what i said , it is not easy but i think u will feel better .

mookiehantamom ( roxanne)

Last night my mother called and acted like nothing had happened. I calmy told her that I didn't think it was a good idea for us to have any contact for awhile. She acted shocked and horrible wounded. Then she hung up on me. My husband called her back and my father answered. The conversation that ensued was nothing short of BIZARRE.

They LITERALLY think they have been wonderful, nuturing, comforting, loving parents. Nothing, NOTHING could be farther from the truth. I was neglected, abused, beated, starved, tortured, put down, and ground into dust. My mother repeatedly told me she hated me and wished I woud die, and this started when I was in the first grade. I have memories that are so vivid its like they happened yesterday. I remember walking out of the living room to greet my date for my junior prom and my mother announcing that I looked like a 'whore'. I remember having school pictures taken that my mother refused to buy becuase she said I was too ugly. She has never hugged me, held me to her chest, stroked my hair, told me she loved me, told me I was beautiful....

How, how, how, can they be this delusional? It's mind boggling! And how do I deal with this level of denial? Do they know the truth deep down inside but they're doing this on purpose or are they both so incredibly mentally ill that they've recreated history to suit their own fantasies? I barely made it out of my childhood. I escaped from their 'home' at age 16 and supported myself. I worked 3 jobs, put myself through college and edured 17 years of therapy, dealing with their abuse. I have epilepsy from repeated physical blows to the left side of my head (my mother was fond of beatings). My poor brother didn't fare as well. He never recovered from their parenting. He is 43 years old...schizophrenic, paranoid, bi-polar, and homeless. I blame them 100%. He was a creative, artisitic child and my father is one of those macho types who associated any sort of artistic ability with being 'gay'....he just destroyed my brother's self esteem and confidence.

I'm getting so tired of this. This isn't the first time I"ve dealt with my parents and their craziness. It's about the 100th. Through the years, many people have said, why don't you just cut them off completely? But I"ve always wanted to be the bigger person....to stick to the what my faith tells me---to honor my father and my mother. I've tried to deal with and manage their abusive treatment of me. I've limited my contact with them, learned not to count on them, tried to remember that they are just sick people. Until this crisis loomed up in my life. All of a sudden all the therapy I learned went flying out the window and I became a frightened little girl again. And like a jerk, I went running back to the abusers. And they did what they do best: Beat the heck out of me. So now I"m at square one again.

Should I disown them? Keep my distance? If I do, then I know what will happen. Months will elapse, and they'll contact me and act as if nothing happened. Which INFURIATES me. They're getting old, and I'm sole exector of their estate. And God help me if my father dies first. I couldn't handle my mother. Every time I talk to her, I feel suicidal afterwards.

Any advice here is appreciated. Thanks ladies. Sorry for being such a darned mess.

-R.

Robin, All the ladies on here have given you sage advice...As far as your mother goes, she is mentally ill and when she was yelling at you, beating you when younger, etc.,she was in what is called a psychotic break....she doesn't remember. She is telling her truth...albeit, a deranged truth. When my H and I were living in AZ we started a business with good friends of ours. My woman friend and I went way back. We worked together in rehab. Anyway, things started getting real crazy, real fast. My friend would call me up or my H and yell profanities at us. She would accuse us of doing stuff like embezzling money out of the business account. Ok, I know I'm going on here but it turns out that my friend is mentally ill with what is called BPD (borderline personality disororder). Her father beat her, molested her and essentially 'killed' her soul...and she, to survive, took on certain behaviors. BPD is a hard one to explain because it is sooooooo crazy making. Not sure about your dad's behavior but I can only go on what I witnessed with my friend's H. He backed her up all the way and would come over to our home yelling that we better give him that last business bank statement cuz he knew we stole it from them I guess my advice to you is, stay away. You do NOT have to honor someone just because they are your parents. They have not earned your respect in any shape or form. Yes, they are your parents but IMHO, it's time for you to let them go and move forward with your life. You have enough on your plate without your parent's abuse.

I hope for better days for you, Robin. You are a good person and are worthy of all the wonderful things life has to offer.

SusanC