Hello,

As I proceed into my peri-menopausal nightmare of emotional anxiety, so too is my 15 year old proceeding into his own emotional whirlwind. We are often at each other's throats. Everything he does right now, he resents: school, homework, work... He says things with a purpose to hurt me for being his mom, and being an "awful mom", and I guess a boss so to speak. It's his "you're not the boss of me" attitude that is just driving me round the bend. He is his own worst enemy, and I just have this constant desire to try and help him the best way that I can. Instead it just turns out to be an awful exchange of words that are heated and hurtful. I am emotionally spent at the best of times, and this only adds to a feeling of low self-esteem.

My husband doesn't really understand what I am going through and has more of a resilience it seems to me. Perhaps he keeps things bottled up. My oldest son just stays out of the way as much as possible really. We are a fractured family.

I thought that my youngest son and I had a close relationship at one time...not anymore. He can barely talk to me. My oldest is wrapped up in his own world. Girlfriend, school, friends...I am way down the list. Hubby is working all the time and when he is home he is somewhat vacant due to the stress of youngest and work fatigue.

Whatever, I just would like to talk about it if possible with others that are also going though something like this. I can't be the only one...can I????

hello.i read through your message with a little sadness really as i too went through this type of behaviour with my son a few years ago,he hated school,was very disruptive etc etc and i found it very hard ,but had the support of my 2nd husband at the time,which did help.Have you thought about writing him a letter,which is what i done in the end,explaining that oyu are going through a change in your life that you have no control over,that you know he is growing into a young man and know that he has lots of hurdles to face,but that you love him dearly and would like to support him,and hope that he will support you in the difficult times....It may just make him realise how much he loves you too,all the best twiggy x

Thanks Luv! I will take your advice to heart and email him on facebook!!! I am going to do that tonight and see how it goes. I will keep you posted too as to the outcome. He's off tonight to a bday party... So hopefully he will be in a good mood there. I have been drinking today if the truth be told - a couple of beers...but it relaxes me!!!!

Best wishes,
spaterson

We went through the puberty/menopause situation. My son was 15 when I was 50, so emotions were a bit on edge. Add to that the fact that my MIL came to live with us about that time and we had puberty/menopasue/and a dash of senility all under the same roof.

If I were to give a word of advice it would be to get your husband more involved with the situation. I realized pretty quickly that at that age, with emotions flaring, our son needed time and a relationship with his dad because what they're really struggling with is the beginning of independence and our son, at least, seemed to take direction from his dad so much easier than he took it from me (I imagine it's that man to man thing.) He still had family responsibilities and chores, but I would just let his dad give those out and I'd try (emphasis on the try) not to nag him about them.

Anyhoo, the good news is, we came through it, and my son is now 19 (still lives at home while finishing up college.) We have a wonderful relationship and he's quite interested in my opinion of things. We talk now, a lot, no emotional outbursts from either of us (LOL.)

I went through this with my daughter, and everyone told me that "boys are easier." But I guess not, after reading these posts. I also heard in general that boys tend to withdraw and stay in their rooms, not talking, while girls tend to over-react instantly when the wrong thing is said, screaming, slamming doors, and arguing. I felt like I was walking in a mine field with my daughter; anything could blow up in my face at any moment. I don't know whether withdrawn boys or screaming girls are easier; probably neither.

I had a couple of things that I did with my daughter that I felt really smart about, ha. First of all, I spent ONE evening per month with her, doing something she wanted to do. We would plan out what evening was best (usually according to her social schedule) and then we'd go to her favorite restaurant followed by shopping for clothes. Maybe there was a RARE movie she wanted to see (about once a year)--one of the teenage angst deals. Usually shopping was the chosen activity, and I did my time sitting in the chairs outside the dressing rooms while she tried things on and came out and asked me if they made her look fat (heaven forbid that I ever answered "yes" to that question--if I did, bury me at sunrise....

The thing with our evening was that I vowed that we would NOT argue about ANYTHING, no matter how many times I had to change the subject and steer the conversation. We could argue the other 30 days in the month, but on this one evening, THERE WOULD BE NO ARGUING. There usually was a potential argument lurking at every turn, but I wouldn't be taken in and I used all of my skills to keep the conversation pleasant and positive.

I'd suggest to the parent of any teenager that they try the ONE NIGHT PER MONTH idea. You will have to do what your kid wants to do, even if (with boys) it's sitting in their room while they demonstrate the latest computer game, or whatever. Try to work out one mutually acceptable evening together, and do not cancel it, no matter what. You must honor your plans with them and they must honor them with you. Under no circumstances can either party renege, or the whole thing is defeated. Then vow that you will have a GOOD TIME.

You'll be able to fall back on this good memory emotionally even if everything goes down the toilet the rest of the month.

Another neat trick I had was what I call my "alarm clock trick." My daughter and I would decide TOGETHER what time she would be home if she went out with friends. Usually I would not be able to stay awake to greet her (I worked full time and got up really early). So I set one of those big old alarm clocks with her return time; the clocks that go off with bells and shake themselves off the table and wake the dead. If I fell asleep waiting for her and the alarm went off, she was late and all heck broke loose when she got home, because I would be WIDE AWAKE, pacing, and demanding an explanation. Need I say she was was never late, not once? She got home on time so she could shut off the alarm and I'd sleep peacefully on.....

Just some ideas for you parents who are dealing with teenagers. These years are tumultuous and come at at time when we ourselves are not feeling as well as we used to. You all have my sympathies and lot of hugs.

Suzpaterson,

I could have written your post, only difference is... I have a 14 year old daughter and believe me it is not any easier. Csugargrove described it so well when she said it was like being in a mine field; she has some really good ideas. Thank you csugar. My daughter is also rebelling about everything, especially if it is something I say or ask her to do. I go from a ranting, raving lunatic mother to one that just throws up her hands and don't give cramp about anything she does or says (this doesn't happen often) ... right now, I am constantly nagging her about her school work and grades (I am sick of hearing myself nag). There are times when I wish I didn't care so much...

My husband tries to help and more and more I am relying on him to talk to her, as truly I can't communicate with her. She criticizes me about everything, what I wear, how my hair should be, etc... I had her later in life, and she constantly compares me to her friends'younger Moms... like I don't have self esteem issues as of late. I know she says stuff to me just to get a rise from me and while I try not to react, it is really, really hard.

I consider myself a pretty strong person but truly, puberty and peri-menopause... just shoot me!!!

Don't know if its hormonal but I have been crying on and off since yesterday about my awful relationship with my daughter...sorry for venting, thanks for listening girls and Dawn and csugargrove, you give me hope.

Oh well, have to think positive and tomorrow will be better.

Plumeria

Plumeria, I am so sorry. I've been where you are and I can understand exactly how you feel. My daughter was my dearest little buddy and my favorite person until she reached age 12. Then things began to change very slowly. She started spending her evenings on the phone with her school friends and we had to get a second telephone line because we weren't getting our calls--my husband plowed snow for his job and they'd call him in to work but get a busy signal--not good! We nagged her to get off the phone, to no avail, and he could not miss a call because he'd get in trouble at work. My daughter and I had always had such a good time together and I loved being with her more than anyone! I looked forward to going home to her after work and spending my evenings with her, reading a story before bed. Then suddenly she did not want a bedtime story and did not want to be with me anymore. She wanted to go out with her friends. I know exactly what you're talking about when you say your daughter criticizes everything about you--my daughter used to love and adore me and I could see it in her shining little eyes as she held my hand and looked up at me. But after age 12, suddenly everything I did was wrong; what I wore, my shoes, my hairstyle, what I said, what I did. Everything! I can well understand why you feel like crying. I shed plenty of tears, I can tell you!

What is happening (I think) is that kids must strike out on their own in the world and become independent. They have to establish their own identity and who they are that must be different from us. It's just human nature. If we have a close relationship with our kids, it's harder. It hurts very much when they seem to turn against us, but please know that all your daughter is doing is trying to establish herself as a separate person from you, when all these years she was in your back pocket, so to speak. One day, after all the pain and separation of getting her own identity, she will return to you as a happy adult and together you will have fun again.

I know how hard it is. That's why one of my ideas was to try and have ONE evening or day per month with your daughter and do something fun (it will have to be what she wants to do) and do not allow any arguing for that one time. You'll find that the memory will make you feel better, even if that's the only time in the whole month that you didn't argue!

And believe it or not, your daughter will one day tell you that those times with you meant a lot to her, too. Right now she is just totally confused and in chaos with her own hormones starting up. It is a very difficult time for both of you!

Csugargrove,

Thank you for taking the time to respond... it means so much to me. I know she is trying to find herself and be out of my shadow. We do spend time together, mostly shopping (her shopping and me waiting)
and everyday (morning and afternoon) she commutes with me to work as her school is right next to my place of work...sometimes, I think we are together too much in some ways. This Wednesday, I am taking her to have her hair colored, she is a natural brunette with hightlights and all but she wants to dye her hair black. Though I have some gray streaks, my natural hair color is black, so I find it really interesting as does my friends that she wants to dye it black again. She did dye it black almost a year ago and some of her friends and their Moms commented that now we definitely look like mother and daughter...go figure.

I know it is a confusing time for her. as it is for me and all of us in this journey.

Thanks again and have a great day.

Plumeria

What is happening (I think) is that kids must strike out on their own in the world and become independent. They have to establish their own identity and who they are that must be different from us. It's just human nature. If we have a close relationship with our kids, it's harder. It hurts very much when they seem to turn against us, but please know that all your daughter is doing is trying to establish herself as a separate person from you, when all these years she was in your back pocket, so to speak. One day, after all the pain and separation of getting her own identity, she will return to you as a happy adult and together you will have fun again.


This is so true. My 17 year old son and I were so close until he was about 13. Now him and his father are super close which is great but his attitude is just like what everyone else is talking about. Mostly to me. I know it is for him to tear himself away from being so close to me. He still loves me as he tells me through his grunting. That is how he talks now. Just grunts. It is hard though as our children are going through hormone adjustment and so are we. It isn't the best combination. I am glad to hear that our children will be like they used to in the future. I am so looking forward to that.

Mopsy

Hi gals...I am so sad reading these recent replies. I am sorry that I didn't look here yesterday in order to engage with you all, but I was so down in the dumps that I just could not face posting. I feel your pains. I miss my little boy soooo much. Do/did your kids tell you that they hate you? Talk about you in front of you to their friends on the phone? It is so hurtful. I get so down about it; that is what was happening last night in fact, whilst visiting Power Surge.

My 18 year old boy is distant with me too. I wish I had a girl, just in the hope that I would be closer with her later on. I don't think everyone experiences it to the degree that I am, and some of you have. I have friends that appear to be all nice a rosey with their teenagers...but perhaps it is just appearances. I find myself jealous of them quite frankly.

I am going to try that once a month adventure! He is still willing to be seen out in public with me...although he did comment on my choice of shoes last week-end (crocs).

Let's all hang in there together.

Hugs,
suzpaterson