Hi everyone. I want go into the details (the veterans here know what is going on) but suffice to say, I just couldn't take it any more. My husband's 'situation' was/is making my physically ill. I've been in hospital no less than five times since this whoe mess started..

I asked him to move out. NOT because of what is happening to him, but becuase of his reaction to it. Which was....nonchalant. He let ME take charge, do all the research, find a lawyer, then another one, and another one, and another one. Even when I had seizures and was hospitalized, do you think he took over the care and responsiblity for his own court case? NOPE. Sad on the couch and watched baseball. I asked him countless times to help me write letters, review documents, anything to take the load off of me. But he never quiet got around to it. I also told him countless times that I was getting very, very sick. I'm run down. Every time I eat, I vomit. I can't sleep, and when I do, I have nightmares. When I told him this, his reaction was "Don't you think I'm going through the same thing?"

No. I don't. So far, lawyers have taken $100K from us...all MY money. (He didn't have a pot to piss in when I married him.) I liqiuidated stocks, IRA's, even my daughters college tuition fund to pay for these damn attorneys. I'm flat broke. The next thing to go will be my house. My house. I rented for 11 years after my divorce and saved every penny to buy this place. It isn't a palace, but it's mine. Now my husband was talking about putting up the house for bail. That's part of what made me lose it.

This man has no spine, no character, no 'ooomph'. He keeps telling me, "But Robin, you're the alpha dog...you LIKE being in charge." Well, the alpha dog is tired, run-down, and ill. And he hasn't noticed. Or if he has, it just doesn't seem to faze him.

I am a mother, and I can't let this man destroy me. Yes, I feel guilty. He's pulling on every heart string he can. But I just can't take it anymore. If we had been married for 30 years when this happened, it would have maybe been different. But we've only been married 2 years! Not enough time to lay down roots.

I'm so distraught. And afraid, and alone.

And support would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, ladies.

(((((((((((((((((RoundRobin)))))))))))))))))) you need to do what's right for you and go with your gut instinct....2 years is certainly not a long time and you've worked hard to get what you got and now......it's gone.....I think I'd be pretty upset too. Sitting on the couch watching TV wouldn't be acceptable for me either....wishing you the best.

I think I know the situation to which you are referring, but the thing I resent most is your quote...

[i]This man has no spine, no character, no 'ooomph'. He keeps telling me, "But Robin, you're the alpha dog...you LIKE being in charge." Well, the alpha dog is tired, run-down, and ill. And he hasn't noticed. Or if he has, it just doesn't seem to faze him.
think[/i]

That smacks of COP-OUT LAZINESS! Of course you "like" being the alpha dog...what choice have you been given? I wrote a blog on CONFRONTATION and ALTERCATION.

Lead, Follow or GET OUT OF MY WAY!!

Like I said, I can't remember all the details of your story, and I'm sure this wasn't a spur of the moment decision, so stick to your guns until you get what you want and need!!

Robin, my reply looks like I didn't like what you wrote. I liked what you wrote, it was what your husband said and how he's been responding to this ADVERSITY. It is very hard to live with people that don't deal well with adversity, positive or negative. You definitely have an investment here, even if it is two years, it is two years of YOUR LIFE. Like I said, said stick to your guns until your get what you want and need. We're not little girls anymore!!

Robin:

I am sending you millions of hugs and many good thoughts. I will write you much more later but for now I say COUNT YOUR LOSSES AND RUN.

Put yourself first, Robin. You are a beautiful, strong, high-spirited woman - don't let anyone strip you of that. In the end, we are not remembered for how much money we acquired, the fancy car we drive, or the elaborate house we live in; we are remembered for our good deeds. Granted, you have lost money but you have not lost your integrity or your dignity.

Run, Sweetie! Do not entertain regret and do not look back.

Love to you and yours,

Belinda

(((((((((Robin))))))))
I would guess you've got the support of every single meno-sister here and those are loads of ladies from all around the world!
It makes me so very, very angry to hear with what unkindness, lovelessness, carelessness and disrespect your husband has treated you.
Why on earth should you feel guilty? He should be so ashamed of himself!
Throwing him out is the first step in regaining your sanity, your health, your self-respect and peace of mind. Good for you.
Keep fighting, for your kids, for your home (I can relate), it's tough, it's painful, it's frightening, it's hell, but you'll come through and be all the wiser and stronger for it!
We're here to support you!
Loads of prayers and hugs coming your way!
Jonie

Thanks, guys. Husband is still calling me constantly, begging, pleading, whining, feigning heart attacks....sigh. It's wearing me down. I just can't take it anymore. Yes, I love him, or I once did (I'm so utterly worn down I don't think I could muster any feelings for anyone...except my daughter, of course.)

I feel like a heel. "You're kicking me when I'm down", my husband keeps crying. But that's not true. I've been his staunchest advocate; his biggest fan...a bulldog; attacking the evidence, phoning lawyers, writing letters. All the while bringing home a paycheck to support us (he's been working some, but not enought to support us.) I'm tired. So damned, damned tired. He has s*cked the life right out of me. And at the same time, I'm firmly into menopause (no bleeding for 6 months)...

Sigh. That's all I do these days. Sigh.

Don't let him do this to you, Robin dear!
When he rings, don't answer.
You come first now and you need peace.
Take his call once a day, that's enough, and then focus on getting your life together again.
He's behaving like a spoiled child, it's time he grew up and took on responsibilities.
Look after yourself and feel proud for having taken this first step!
Jonie

Roundrobin

wanted to send you hugs. Somehow you have to put yourself first for a while to get some strength back. You have been so strong for your husband with his problems you are worn down. I remember your posts about your health problems too. From what you say you have picked yourself up before but your health comes first. Without that you can't help yourself or your husband.

I was exhausted by a long sequence of problems about three or four years ago plus the onset of the hormonal ups and downs of peri kicked in at about the same time. The combination of the two floored me. For a while I had to put me first. We women are not used to doing that. I always used to feel guily if I wasn't doing something for someone in the family. Now I make sure I have some 'me' time.

Take care
robin

Robin

When I read your post I was so upset for you. You may not even realize what a a source of encouragement you have been to so many of us here on PS. I know that you are scared right now but you DO have so much strength and wisdom Within you. From all of your posts you get some insight on what type of person you are and believe me you only deserve the very best! Just be assured and know that others are concerned and care and again I am so sorry that you have to go through this on top of everything else!

Wishing you the Best - Christina

Robin:

You are better off without this man. He is draining the life out of you. Get out while you can. You need to take care of yourself and your daughter. That is all. A grown man should be able to take care of himself. I forgot what the legal issues were about, but whatever they were they are his problem, not yours. Do not lose your house over this man.

I know how hard it is to go out on your own as I had a two year old when my first hubbie and I separated. I am not going to lie...it was tough, but I can now deal with almost everything that is thrown my way.

You too will be better off without all of this stress. Hugs to you!!

Robin my heart goes out to you,stand up for what is right,,you need to protect yourself from loosing your house.You have worked very hard for what you have,,A man that does not provide for his family is a heathen,,you know what I am talking about.

You have been forced to wear the pants so to speak,Push into God he will provide and make away of escape.I am praying for you for strengh and peace of mind.you are obviously a strong woman and will get through this.

(((Big Hugs)))

Pamela

{{{{Robin}}}}

I am so sorry you are going through this still. I think about you and wonder how things are going. I'm sorry to see it took this route.

The other ladies are right. Stick to your guns. Give yourself time to get better and your life time to calm down. It's his responsibility to defend himself, yours was only to stand by him as his wife. If he can't handle that, it's his problem. I'm sure you do feel guilty, I would too. He's a big boy though and it's time he grew up.

I know you've had enough of lawyers to last you a lifetime but I think you should find one for yourself and see what you can do to protect yourself, your daughter and your home. Hopefully you won't lose everything.

Sending you big hugs and encouragement. You will get through this and come out stronger for it.

mrsb

Thanks everyone. It means SO much to me to come here and read your encouraging and supportive words.

I worked today. It was so hard. I had to drive an hour to meet a client...first I had to rent a car (yes, can you believe it, I havent' had a car since my accident in April...which I think occurred partly because of the stress I was under)...so I went out and rented the first car I could find yesterday...It was a Sunday so there weren't many choices. I ended up with a lemon yellow PT Cruiser with a sunroof. At first I felt ridiculous in it....like I was getting in side a big bloated banana. But now that I drove it around all day, I like it!!

I have the rental for the whole week...gotta go get a car so I am mobile. We have a little bit of money left in a CD and I"m going to take enough to buyself a used car..just something to get from point A to point B. My husband called repeatedly today. Same story. Whining, pleading, then abusive, then begging, then abusive, and back again. HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT. I told him tonight: I've been carrying you for two years, and you weigh over 200lbs! I'm tired! He asked me if I missed him, do I love him, etc. I had to be honest....I told him I don't miss him one little bit. Yes, it's very quiet here in this house all by myself, but I don't miss him, I really don't. Is that weird?

I still care about this man. What happened to him was unfair. I believe he is innocent (if I allow myself to think he may have done what he's been accused of, I'll freak out completely. I can't even talk about it anymore...it's just too raw.) I'm so hurt and confused and lonely and sad.

My dysfunctional mother is calling me daily. She's not exactly comforting, and tends to have a paranoid view of the world (in the '70s', she was convinced every other person was a Russian spy), but at least it's something. And my daughter is supportive. As supportive as a 19 year old who is 1600 miles away can be.

I know everyone is telling me that I'm doing the right thing but I still have strong pangs of doubt. I did marry him "for better or worse", right? On the other hand....my faith (which I won't go into, but I will reference) is one that believes the man has a responsiblity to the wife...and he hasn't met that responsibility at all.

Oh dear. I'm going to go eat my frozen pizza. Will check in later. Love you ALL.

Robin

Robin, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all this! You are a very strong woman. And you have done so much for your husband to help him with the legal stuff. I agree with others here, that you need to take care of YOU now!

It could be that your husband is one of those people who crawls into a shell in a crisis, rather than fighting and facing it head-on. Or, he could just be lazy and cowardly. If you think there is some hope for the relationship, after you have had some time away from the crisis, then maybe you could talk to him about this (maybe with a counselor?).

I think you just really need some time away from the whole legal thing and your passive hubby. That doesn't mean that you don't care about him or don't love him. I see these as two separate issues: the crisis, and the relationship. Maybe in time, you will see the relationship more clearly, either positive or negative. So for now, take care of yourself. Build the boundaries around yourself that you need. Tell your hubby how often he can call...it's up to you! If you feel that you still care about him, then tell him so, but also make it clear that you need space, and that you need him to stand up and take care of himself right now.

Let us know how things are going for you!

Robin, I am so sorry you are going through this mess !!!!! Hun, remember we are just one state away and if you need someone or something PLEASE let me know if I can help you . If you just need to chat over a cup of coffee I can be there in a hour. You are NOT alone !!!! I have kind of been where you are so I know somewhat of how you feel. Hang in there and PLEASE pm me if you need anything ..... (((((((hugs)))))) Cathy

P.S. Robin you ARE doing the right thing, DON't let him wear you down, Don't answer those calls !!!! Think of you and only YOU !!!!

I'm new here and don't know the exact situation but just from reading your posts in this thread, wow have you been in a tough situation. My heart
goes out to you.

You will get through it even though you're scared -- just think, you've in essence said "No", that's a huge and scary thing to do. It is in many situations the absolute
hardest thing to do. And you've done it.

You may have married "for better or worse", and you care about him, but you certainly have the right to draw the line somewhere when it comes to your
own well-being in this world.

It sounds like he has the same personality as my ex -- whom I kicked out when I was almost 47 years old and our first child was not even a year old -- although
there was no legal/court stuff involved it was some of the same issues of manipulation and no responsibility on his part. And I was getting so sick and so thin, I knew that if he
stayed there would be nothing left of me. I was terrified and it was the hardest thing I have done in my life by far. And he had nowhere to go and pulled his guilt stuff on me for
quite awhile. I had so many doubts but then I would imagine the effects on my physical and mental health and the subsequent effects on my daughter and there was no way I was changing my mind.

It's been 3 years since then and when I think of it now I just feel blessed for somehow having the strength that I did to get through it all -- I wish that relief for you.

You may not feel strong, but you have the strength. It will be there every single time you need it.

God bless.

Hi Robin,

I'm so glad that MANY of the ladies here are giving you good support during this horrible time in your life.

Robin, I can REALLY understand how you feel as I had many of the same type of issues going on in my life, and being the alpha dog wasn't cutting it anymore, you know, we can only let ourselves get so sick and then we realize.

First of all, I found out that I was VERY co-dependant. My husband could just sit back and relax and I would care and pay for everything all the time. That is SO dysfunctional, but that was my life also.

In this past year, I have LEARNED my limits and in turn HE has changed. When I first started to learn that I did not have to run the universe, he begged and pleaded and played all the familiar games. Don't fall for it. You must NOT pay anymore of your money, you must not obsess about HIS problems, let HIM fix them, you are only there as support. STOP, STOP trying to fix him and start fixing yourself, you need help just as much as he does, because you have taken on this role of "control freak".

I don't mean to sound blunt, but I know how badly it hurts to help dysfunctional people, they make us dysfunctional also. PLEASE TAKE good care of you.

I read some books on co-dependant behavior and couldn't believe that that was ME. My marriage is a very long term marriage 28yrs. So, I did stay and worked on it and things are going much better, BUT I will not EVER go back to fixing things for him again. He had to tow the line or leave. Trust me, they KNOW when you mean business, my husband was sending roses to my work and doing all sorts of things when he realized that I was over it.

I hope you find some peace and think about all of this, you need to figure out how to live with a person and not GIVE them everything, they only become lazy and take advantage of you.

I'm not talking about every man out there, please understand, I only speak of dysfunctional charactors, mostly men with addictions, mental problems and such fall into this scope.

I wish you all the best, my prayers are with you.

Hugs, Juliann

robin, i remember when all this drama started with you guys, and you were right there supporting him , believing in him, and shouting how you knew he was innocent. my grandma always says " you can ride a good horse too death". well, i say he's been ridin' and its time to buck him off....its not worth your health or sanity...big hugs , kelly

So sorry that you have and are still going through so much. Everyone is right, this kind of stress can make you very ill. Take care of you for a change. I wish you the best. (((Hugs))),
Arla.

Robin,

Each day when you get up, look in the mirror. Really, really look. Affirmation of what you are doing will either stare back at you smiling or haunt you with sullen lips and angry, swollen eyes. Either way, it's affirmation that you are doing what is right for you.

Just remember this: The friend in the mirror is YOU and that friend isn't going to betray you.

You're a strong, courageous, intelligent woman, Robin, and you have the love and support from friends far and wide. I'm so happy to be amongst them and so very sorry you must endure such pain, heartache and disappointment.

Ooodles of hugs and bundles of love,
(((angel)))

Dear Robin,

My heart really goes out to you. I know how much you have been through just through this forum, and how utterly supportive you are towards everyone. Robin, you deserve the absolute best that life can give you, with, or without your husband. Right now, you need to care for YOU alone, and not a husband who is a husband who does nothing to help himself or the woman he claims to love.

Right now, you certainly need some time to heal, recover, destress yourself, and hopefully gain some health back. Take that time, and as much as you need!!!!!!

I am just going to add something that it cannot hurt to think about, and although I would like very much to kick your husbands derriere` I am still going to suggest you make NO firm decisions regarding what you do, or do not feel for him until you are healthier. Mainly because if you become well and then realize you do love the guy, how would you feel if you had ended it all under stress and illness? I DO think you need to cut his phone calls, and perhaps you could ask him to use email instead? Would that help? Then YOU are in control of when you wish to read his begging, abuse, pleading, and love words.....but when you do read them, at least you will have time to think on what you wish to say. These are just ideas Robin.

It would be easy for me to type "let him go", but feelings of love and emotion can be made more complicated under stress, and right now, you need a BREAK, and he needs too GROW up!

I am just sending you a billion ((((((hugs)))))), and hope none of what I have said offends you; I just don't want to see you hurt or used anymore than you have been.

Love,
Viktoria

Dear dear Robin,

I truly feel sorry for everything you are going through. Your life has been turned upside down and now this. I do, however, agree with what Flushing Lady says. Be careful not to make a huge life altering decision while you are under such stress.

Yes, it does appear that he is being a bona fide jerk! But he's under some terrible pressure himself and we all know how differently everyone reacts and responds to trauma. Don't close the door completely. Try to talk it out (on your terms) and help him to help himself. If he's willing to listen and open to suggestion than maybe all is not lost. I don't mean to sound trite, but "for better or for worse". This is as close to worse as it gets and I pray that your marriage isn't destroyed over this terrible situation.

God Bless You,

Donna

I'm out of my mind right now. I cannot sleep....no matter what I do. Prescription drugs don't work, meditation doesn't work, nothing works. And I don't like my new therapist. She sits there and nods once or twice then says "well, we're done." (and it cost me $140 an hour). I honestly don't think there are any competent therapists out there. I"ve got stress hives all over my arms and I feel like an elastic band that's about to snap. Tonight I was having dinner at a restaurant with a friend and my husband showed up! I felt like i was being stalked. I told him to leave, and he did, but he made a scene; I was so embarrassed.

Right now my life is a mess. I'm beside myself. I know you ladies have given me all the support you can. Thank you.

(((((Robin)))))
Yes, when we're so stressed our mind seems to get out of our control and can only think of the problem, going round and round in circles.
I found that writing a journal helped. Even if I wrote the same thing hour by hour, day by day, the point does come when new thoughts creep in.
It's less exhausting actually writing about your fears, than trying to fight them, as they won't stay away for long...
Perhaps that would help you also?
Perhaps you enjoy drawing or painting - just try expressing your feelings, even if it's just loads of black paint on a piece of paper. Perhaps some day you can paint a little yellow dot in the middle?
Can you get some exercise like swimming? Or yoga? Tennis? A dancing class? (Health permitting, of course)
I'm glad you're going out with friends!
Keep that up! Go to the cinema, bowling, do things you really enjoy.
And keep posting here!
Hugs and prayers coming your way!
Jonie

Thanks Jonie. And no, I haven't been offended by anything anyone has said here (you've been wonderful, Viktoria.) Today my husband's lawyer talks to the district attorney. There is a sliver...a tiny, tiny sliver of hope that these horrible charges will be dismissed. Such a mountain of evidence points to his innocence (I know, because I'm the one that went painstakingly through every single piece evidence they had...looking for discrepancies, mistakes, etc,...and I found plenty.) So far the prosecutors seem like they have blinders on...they just want a big conviction so they can repair what is a political mess at the state government level. My husband is literally being used in a game so that certain government officials can look like they are doing their jobs. I cried to the lawyer, literally, cried, "how can they DO this to us?" How can they just ruin an entire family---without even looking at the evidence? How can they threaten to drag us through what will be a very public trial with the real possibility that my husband will spend LIFE IN PRISON?" And do you know what his answer was? "Welcome to the American justice system....it's unfair, it's crooked, and the notion of innocent until proven guilty is hogwash."

I'm stunned, and angry, and scared. My husband is sleeping on his father's couch at his very tiny house. My father in law has a spare bedroom but he won't fix it up for my husband---he's beeing grouchy and difficult. And my husband is behaving badly...but in a way, I can't blame him. This is the worst possible stress I could imagine someone being put under (it reminds me of that old show...The Fugitive..with David Jansenn...Lord, I'm really dating myself now. Anyone remember that? He was unfairly accused of murdering his wife and spent his entire existence on the run.) My husband talks crazy sometimes....says he will run if he's going to jail...but I know him better. He doesn't have the money or wits to survive anonymously in the world. And it would look like and admission of guilty. And he didn't do this!

I'm sorry, I hope i don't sound like a broken record. I vacillate between being worried about myself and being worried to death about him. And I'm NOT taking care of myself. I'm trying to...but it just isn't working. I have to go to work every day, since the lawyers have taken almost every single cent we have....i can't sleep at night, and my appetite is all messed up. I'm getting chest pains, and dizzy spells, and having dark thoughts. I come home at night and try to light candles, put on soothing music, take a bath...but all I do is shake and cry.

I want so badly to go the media....to find someone who is well known and tell them our story. Because it could literally happen to anyone. But the lawyer says no, not yet. He telling us to 'hang in there' and 'calm down', and meanwhile he gets to climb into his Porsche every day and go home to his normal life. It makes me want to scream!

Since I"ve slept maybe 2 whole hours this entire week, I'm having weird muscle twitches in my face...I look like a stroke victim. And my hands visibly shake in front of clients. It's embarassing. People keep asking me what's wrong since apparently the make-up I'm slathering on every morning with a putty knife isn't covering up the dark circles and bags under my eyes.

I asked my new therapist yesterday what she could do to help me, and all she said was "I can listen." It's not enough. I need something profound...supernatural...I feel like when I was a little girl and I would make magic wishes and have these little rituals that I"d go through to ensure they came true. I've prayed and prayed and prayed. To God, to my grandparents (who I feel are watching over me)....to my husband's mother (who died a year ago, thank goodness...she could not have handled this.) Now I know why psychic hotlines and fake healers make money....they prey on desparate people. That's how I feel: Desparate.

I want to burst into the DA's office and just get on my knees and plead with her to listen to me. (Of course, my attorney has said that is a very bad idea, and would most likely end with ME getting arrested too.).

Anyone out there every been unjustly accused? Railroaded by 'the system'? Convicted of a crime they didn't commit? How did you cope?

Thanks for letting me vent, girls....

Dear Robin,
What a terrible situation to be in. I've met injustice in my life, but nothing like what you're living through. I can't imagine how terribly helpless and scared you must feel. I haven't read your posts from the last years, so I don't really know what's going on. I can only try to encourage you in what you're experiencing right now.

"There is a sliver...a tiny, tiny sliver of hope that these horrible charges will be dismissed. Such a mountain of evidence points to his innocence (I know, because I'm the one that went painstakingly through every single piece evidence they had...looking for discrepancies, mistakes, etc,...and I found plenty.) "

Try to keep your focus on that - you've done all you could and now there's a sliver of hope.
And you know that here are your meno-sisters praying for you.
I feel like punching your lawyer!
I too would want to go to the media, but it's probably better to be guided by someone who knows how the (corrupt??) system works. Perhaps you could write a journal and one day turn it into a book??
I hope you feel just a wee bit stronger knowing that you aren't alone in all this mess.
God bless you,
Jonie

Hi Robin,

You've been on my mind today. How you doing hun? Words don't help much at a time like this, but for what it's worth I said a prayer for you today and I hope that things will take an upward turn for you.

You've been through the wringer and I honestly don't know how you're coping. You've got a great support team here behind you. I know I speak for everyone when I say we're all pulling for you.

You take care and God Bless.

Donna

Robin, I feel I want to backstep here just a little bit to understand what is really going on.

From bits and pieces of your posts, your husband is caught in a political mess stemming from his employment with the government. He is being charged with a white collar crime? Am I gathering a correct understanding?

You are only just now getting to District Court so am I understanding this is a first hearing then? To decide whether or not the charges will be moved to a higher court?

If I am understanding this correctly, then this may have been going on now for a period of time, perhaps over a year since information is probably being gathered, interrogatories being sent and received and discovery being logged. Your husband is not able to work anywhere because this is part of what he would have to report to a prospective employer?

Even smaller court cases for landlord/tenant disputes can take the sails out of a family, let alone larger cases.

I understand that you cannot discuss any specifics of your husband's case, but I need to ask you whether or not you feel he is innocent or guilty?

I do think, because of what you are relating here, that you should step back and 'separate' yourself from your husband. You may need to clean your hands of this side of the marriage affairs and advise him that you are no longer in charge, that he needs to sink or swim on his own. Has your attorney advised you to put assets that clearly belong only to you in someone else's (like your child) name to protect what you have?

Did you own your house before you married? Did you put your husband's name on the deed or title? Do you have a bank account separate from your husband? Have you considered getting counsel for your self-protection aside from your husband's affairs?

I've never been married--so I probably don't know what I'm talking about, but I don't think it matters if her husband is innocent or guilty. What does matter is that he sat back and didn't do much to help himself while his wife was running herself into the ground trying to organize a defense for him. He seems like he was selfish, self consumed and showing little regard for his wife and her health. It looks to me like if she doesn't do something to preserve her own sanity and health--no one else will. It's not sefish for her to take care of herself--especially when it seems that no one else is going to do it. If I remember right the wedding vows say "for better or worse" and that works for both parties. He hasn't held up his end of the deal, IMO.

Miss Tibbs

In this you are right, that Robin must, absolutely, take care of herself which is why I first suggested mightily that she needs to 'separate' herself from all of this. It is, however, very important to understand whether or not she feels he is guilty or not because that seed of either doubt or assurance of innocence is what may be guiding her guilt or her false need to continue 'protecting' him even as her own vows have suggested that 'for better or worse'.

I believe Robin, that you take your relationship with your husband very seriously in spite of the pain of carrying 'dead weight'. I also believe that you love the part of him that you first saw and seems to be hiding now. If you did not feel any of these things, then you would not be ill now, not be in great pain, you would simply have walked away.

It's vital now that very real and tangible steps be taken to protect your 'world', the things that make you feel safe and secure and that does mean, no matter how much any of us might want to deny it, your bank account and your home. At this point I'm not sure that I would want to counsel you in the hows and methods to even bring your husband 'around to the relationship' again. I do not believe this can be done at the moment because BOTH of you are floundering in a sea full of sharks and one of you cannot possibly protect the other no matter how much you might want to. The real truth is that both of you are out of you league in the battle you confront. You appear to have no actual ammunition.

This event has absolutely nothing to do with menopause or any other physiology so that can be set aside. YOU, Robin, apart from your husband, need legal outlets and options open to you to protect as much of your world as possible. While the attorney for your husband does not feel the need to seek grand compensation for his attention, nor a need to protect your sanity, he is also NOT the one who might help you protect assets that can assist you through not only this, but keep you going if your husband is actually sentenced to a long term away from you.

I worked in law for 25 years and a large portion of that time with a defense attorney (like the one your husband is using). So, I know that this attorney would not find it in his best interests to arrange safe cut offs to funds from a client. Please see what kind of legal counsel you can get on your own. These are frequently estate attorneys and they don't cost an arm and a leg to retain either.

While all of us here would like to put our arms around you and let you cry on our shoulders, the truth is that once we let go and you walk away, you are still facing the same nightmare; we have not removed the boogey man at all. You need very grounded options AND advise. Obviously you are not getting this from your therapist either, who says only 'I can listen' and that smacks of the very same voice given here on this forum and that is not enough.

You MUST take tangible steps to protect what you still have to keep a roof over your head and to keep you secure. Later there will be time to heal wounds.

Hi Buttercup. I wouldn't call this a 'white collar crime'. I can't discuss it here, but it is very, very serious, and carries a long jail sentence. I am POSITIVE he is NOT GUILTY. In fact, there is so much evidence pointing to his innocense it's almost ridiculous. I know, because I found most of it. The nature of these charges is such, that...if I thought he was guilty I would leave him and file for divorce immediately.

He came back for the weekend and so far, so good. He helped me to guy a car, which was important. We've been sort of getting along, but I'm kind of afraid of being initmate. We're acting like friends, nothing more.

I dont feel, at this point, the need to protect my assets. The house is in my name, not his. I have my own stocks and retirement account. But everything else, literally, is gone. The lawyers chewed up every last dime. This is a good man who has been caught in an absolutely awful situation. It's possible he was set up. It's also possible he has just been accidentally swept up in a heinous amount of criminal activity (involving computers.) My husband is not a strong, assertive person. He is laid back, calm, gentle. When this hit him, he was immobilized. And naive. He literally thought, "gee, I didn't do anything wrong, so nothing bad can happen to me!". He is very child-like in a lot of ways. He was brought up as an only child and completely protected by his parents. Lived at home till he was 30. I, on the other hand, grew up in a crazy, dysfunctional home, with a bi-polar brother and an abusive mother. I learned survival skills early and was on my own by age 16.

I talked about the sliver of hope...because on Fri our attorney had a sit-down with the prosecutor. The results of the meeting weren't totally horrible. She is "intrigued" (our lawyers words) by the exculpatory evidence I found and said she needs the weekend to digest things. We will find out tomorrow or Tuesday if she intends to proceed full stream ahead or if she decides not to pursue charges. Our lawyer refuses to predict.

Couple of things....1) I don't mean to sound mysterious....I'm just not supposed to be talking to anyone about this. If my lawyer knew I was posting here he'd frown upon it. But there is a certain level of anonymity here and I haven't gone into details. If he is exonerated (and he should be, because he is innocent), I will be screaming out of a bullhorn about the details of what happened, because it could happen to ANYONE. 2) If the DA decides to proceed with a trial, I don't know what to do. I've reached the end of my rope in terms of coping skills. I think, possibly my husband understands what this experience has done to me in terms of stress. I think. But I'm determined to make sure that I take care of myself first, him second. That sentence was hard to write; it feels like I'm being selfish.

I'd love to know how other women have coped when their spouses were being investigated, or criminally charged, etc...especially if they were innocent. Didn't Pat Nixon become addicted to pills when the president was resigning? Or maybe I'm thinking of Betty Ford. Lots of politician's wife seem to crack up or develop substance abuse problems becasue of their spouses high profile careers and the hell that goes with it.

I'll let you all know what happens tomorrow. Thanks so much for your support, everyone. You gals are my lifeline.

RoundRobin, I'm glad to hear a more upbeat note. I know that today or tomorrow the results may not be exactly as you expect them to be, but I believe ALL of us here hope they are good.

I believe we all also understand that specifics cannot be discussed at all. I will say this though, it is horrific when we do something offhand or as a minor favor for another in innocence or out of being misinformed that catch up to us as part of an event that is totally foreign to our mindset when it's charged as an offense seemingly out of the blue. Such a charge clearly lifts our feet from under us and we're thrown to a different universe entirely. I have seen innocent people caught in the center of intrigue who have not even a clue, yet have been so cleverly set up that the tangles around them are nearly impossible to 'unknot'.

Many folks believe they are in charge of their own Will, or willpower, they believe that their sense of self could not possibly be easily changed or foiled. But the human psyche is very delicate and fragile..... and very susceptible to clever manipulation.

I hope that no matter what your news comes to be, that you will let us know what you can.

Buttercup: Thank you SO much for you words of support. Unfortunately these charges aren't minor. The're big..and very serious. I was on insta-chat today.....losing my mind, as it were. Wonderful ladies here stepped in and held me up. I vacillate...a word I'm using far too much lately. I go between being okay...sort of. Then I just lose it.. ...without warning...I have a psychic panic attack...I lose my emotional footing...and just plain freak out. Just when I think I'm okay, I fall to pieces.

How much can we take? I have a strong belief in a Higher Power, but He fails me at times. Or perhaps I'm failing Him. I just lose my ground. My legs start shaking, my hands, and I can't think straight. The awful "what-if's" take over and I"m doomed.

On top of this all, my periods have vanished. Nary a cramp or drop of blood to be seen. But the hot flashes, night sweats, dizziness, weight gain, mood swings....they are all in full bloom. Damn. What an awful time for my body to be in hormonal flux.

Many ladies here have said to me "Please, what can I do to help?".....I'm at a loss to anwer. Just being here helps enormously. There aren't any answers...any quick fixes. I know I just have to take this one hour...albiet one minute at a time...and I'm embarrassed to say that even that short task is too much for me too handle sometimes.

Sigh.... When this is over...and I PRAY...this will be over some day...I will tell you all about what happened....not to be salacious...but to warn everyone. Because what is happening to us can happen to anyone who uses to the interent. It's a scary world out there.

\Thank God for Power Surge. Thank You Dearest.