[size="3"][/size]My husband and I have been recently married (both have been married before) we are in our mid forties and we are still on our honeymoon. The question is this, should I worry that he can only become aroused by viewing nude pics of women or being attracted to young women? It seems that 1 to 2 weeks will pass without any sexual intimicy and then, bam, he'll come home from work all (h****) if you know what I mean and want to have sex. He has told me that he feels that looking at pics of naked women is not wrong and not porn. I guess I am wondering if it's just peri-symptoms that cause me to feel insecure about being attractive to him or does this sound a bit strange to anyone? Thanks.

I just wanted to add this though. The orgasmic level shared with my husband is like no other ever before. Undesribably powerful and it lasts for what seems forever. I shouldn't complain should I? I guess I just want to be certain that it's me that turns him on. Sounds like some song I've heard before LOL.

Hi glibbersbaby, I am not even married at this time in my life, but I wanted to at least acknowledge your post. I cannot imagine how you must feel. I'm sure there are other ladies on here who experience the same thing. I never have, so I really cannot say, but I can sure tell you what I'd like to say to someone like that. My first thoughts were, "Honey, i'd take it anyway I could get it." Just because i've been divorced for 11 years and it's been that long for me, but can't say that, cause, well, wouldn't fit your situation. My next thought is, why not try turning it around, just to show him how you feel. Buy yourself some photos of nude men, tell him that's the only way you can get off.

I know I'm going way out there, but remember I'm menopausal and I really do not know what to tell you. I think I'd let him know how I feel, which you've already done and I don't know what else.

sorry! Hope all is well tomorrow.

bev

Hi, Bev,

I'm post, too and not married but I have a cousin who has a similar problem. I made the same suggestion as you (get pics of men) and see how he likes it. She told me that that wouldn't work because it would make him feel actually better about continuing this activity. Weird, huh?

Colleen

Yes, it does. It sounds like he is addicted to pornography. It is porn - he's kidding himself or trying to justify himself. And it tends to escalate - soon naked pics aren't enough and they get into weird stuff. Sounds like he needs help to me.

Am I reading this wrong, or does he do this at work? Women have fought not to have sexism in the work-place, and some places of work might not allow this - they might have a word in his ear about what is wrong! Sorry to mention this, but I don't want you to have an even bigger problem if he is being monitored at work

I wouldn't like it one bit... I would also be insulted.. totally. It's porn.. plain and simple.

I have a little story that might fit.

I have a very good friend who is one of the sexiest women I know. How do I know this? Because she gets the guys (and really smart, amazingly good looking ones too ... it's enough to kill my buzz when we're out). She would be the first to say that she's not Miss America, but she's smart, self-confident and funny. She is also 42 and perimenopausal and has had major hormone fluctuations that have periodically ruined her sex drive and dampened her self-confidence. The latter was not helped when a year or so ago, she was madly in love with this guy who had a major thing for younger women (the 20 year old pneumatic kind). He would use her for emotional support and all the other good stuff that men like to get from a super smart, mature woman, but he was running around chasing babies (er ... babes). The situation was worsened by the fact that he never seemed to want to have sex with her. She ran into him one day with a 20 year old tootise on his arm and a sheepish expression on his face.

The bottom line is this: the guy's obsession (and for this guy it was an obsession) with toddlers was his problem, not hers. She's now got a 48 year old he-man and a 36 year old stunner chasing after her (sigh). His loss, their gain. The moral: there is always a hot guy that will appreciate a sexy, self-confident woman, and the one's that don't can kiss my ***

Before punching your husband out or taking up surfing porn yourself, why not just ask him what it is that floats his boat about the stuff he's into. If you can accommodate some of it (maybe he's got some kind of barbie doll fantasy that might involve pleather or a blonde wig), and if you're getting something in return, you might have a workable solution and your self-confidence back. If not, then pls. remember: the problem lies with him, not you.

Good luck.

Sorry, but I would be very hurt if my husband was not aroused by me and had to look at others .....we are dealing enough with our self esteem with this whole peri-meno stuff that the last thing we need is our husbands looking at others to get in the mood. That said, I certainly would discuss it with him, as being a man he may have no idea how much it bothers you.....with the gads of porn out there, it's no wonder all our partners aren't staring at Pamela Lee look-a-likes wondering why we don't look like that!

They don't understand the art of plastic surgery and picture altering that's why!!!!!!!!! take care

Momz

Hi Senior Surgette
I appreciate everyones response and insight regarding my response. I will get back to all of them but this one in particular stood out about him doing it at work. Here's the situation. He works at a place as the diretor of service where they sell motorcycles, atv's anything recreational like that so he is sorrounded by testerone and I believe that there is no monitoring going on. The owner is a man, 42 who hasnever been married and I have met him. I could sense he's a womanizer. It has been his routine to always go into work an hour earlier than when they open the doors and the reason I found out about his viewing pics was I got into his email (yahoo) found his password and would check as soon as he left for work. Soon within the hour I would see that he was going right to his email at work every morning . by the way, he never checks his email here at home or rarely gets online here. He panicks when the server is down at work and I mentioned that what difference does it make, he can get his email here or whatever else he has to do online. I have since then addressed my unhappiness about the pictures and that is when he told me they were just pics sent from friends and they were usually jokes. He told me he didn't think there is anything wrong with playboy or looking at pictures of naked women. He has told me that he thinks porn is wrong (xxx movies). His father is one of the people who would send him pics all the time. When I finally told him I didn't like it, he asked that these guys stopped. Since then, I have not seen anything more in his emails like this. BUt now, the difference is that I see he doesn't go right into his yahoo email first thing when he gets to work. The same thing happens as before, a week or two with no interest in sex, and then bam, he comes home one day and is raring to go. I have expressed my concern and have pointed this odd behavior out to him. I went as far as telling him that I felt it was strange. He didn't say anything, just changed the subject.

Now I suspect he has another email account somewhere.

I have asked him straight out after hearing several comments from him about some 16 year old and others around that age and how BEAUTIFUL she was, if he was attracted to young women? I wasn't being accusing or angry, I really wanted to know. His reaction was explosive. He was drinking and he told me to get the f*** out. My husband is the kindest, sweetest man in any other situation, or no matter what other subject we are talking about. I have never seen him react like that or even come close to that event. His first words were to me, "I'm not a pedofile". He was very defensive.

Yes, he is very affectionate otherwise outside of sex on a daily basis, tells me he loves me all of the time, calls me at work or at home 2 or 3 times daily. Usually right after he was getting his emails. Probably felt some guilt over it. There thing is he is a Christian. Or claims to be one.

Yes, it does hurt. Yesterday I went to my obgyn to talk about peri and hubby was very supportive. He told me last night he wants t make sure I get the help I need.

WEll, I guess I am just venting here, it does help and I thank you for taking time to respond.
Joanne

Hi Gibbersbaby,

I am thinking that your hubby has a addiction problem to this type of porn..He really is convicted that he has this pull toward this behavior. It can be a real strong hold on men.If it bothers you then it should bother him .You are married and are one.

If he could confide in a male Pastor for direction and help..The fact he blew up at you when you comfronted him leads me to believe he feels guilty in his behavior,,he knows its wrong because of these girls ages and it could get him in trouble if he acted out in real life to one of them.

If he is a Christian I am sure his heart convicts him.Maybe write a letter to him so he can read how you feel and your concern over this ,,that way he is not defensive to hear your heart face to face..This type of thing can feel like adultry and betrayl..My heart goes out to you.

I will pray for his heart to expose the truth.

Hugs
Pamela

Hey to everyone!
Reading this stuff just fries me!! I think most men are such asses. Not only do they like to look, but a lot of them actually think those 20-30 year old somethings are looking back. Now is the time we need the most reasurrance about our relationships, and they're off checking out babes young enough to be their daughters. I am 55 and take really good care of myself. I think I look pretty darn good for 55 (without cosmetic surgery....), but I never get any feedback anymore from my husband about how 'sexy' I look. Then he's in watching TV, stopping at every show with big boobed women!! Plus then he has the nerve to say "those are real". Where is he coming from - Mars???

OK, thanks for letting me rant. There are men who have serious addictions to porn and if that's what your guy is into and you're not, then it's a problem which needs to be dealt with (ie counseling). But there are also a lot of men out there who aren't addicted but just jerks. Sorry if I'm too negative about this issue but it burns me up just when we're at a time in our lives to need some extra support.
Take care everyone!
Adair

Right on sista !!!! (opps did that sound too 60s-ish?).....I love when I see my hubbie checking out another woman and he gets this look like he's trying to avoid it but his head/eyes aren't cooperating.....kinda looks like a horse getting his reins yanked back LOL!!!!!

Anyways, I don't have a probelm looking myself at attractive men but I have no intentions of going any further....I'm 49 and get mistaken for 38 all the time so if my hubbie wants to look at 30-somethings (he's 52), he's got one in his own back yard!

But as for the porn issue, that's a whole 'nother ball of trouble...and I'm afraid with all the access to it, it's going to become quite a problem for a lot of couples.....

Hi, Joanne,

A sentence on your message that really stands out is "his father is one of the people who would send him pics all of the time." Oftentimes, from what I understand, is that some men get hooked on porn because they are "sexualized" very early by a parent usually the father. This can happen by the father's leaving pornographic material around the house and/or a young child seeing the parent viewing the material.

The prognosis, unfortunately, is not good. Like most addictions, its is very difficult to overcome especially when the person doesn't see it as a problem.

How did his first wife feel about it (just curious)?

Take care.

Colleen

There are several elements to your story that I find concerning.

The first is that any man your husband's age would find a 16 year old as sexually attractive .. there's younger, then there's toddlers.

Second, is the deceit and anger around this issue. I think that it's really great that you asked him about what he was doing in a non-confrontational, non-judgmental way. I think he was a real fool to respond the way he did - he could have used this as an opportunity to open up but he obviously has some serious shame and guilt over it and didn't want to be a big boy about what he's up to. To be clear, though: in no way, shape or form, does his feelings of shame excuse his response. It is never okay to behave like that and I hope he knows it! (the drinking/anger thing really bothers me).

Third, at the risk of offending some forum members, I know plenty of people that use what might be considered 'porn' recreationally (in the privacy of their own home, with their partners or for their own use if they're single). None of the people I know uses it at work! This is just way over-the-top. Oh, I forgot: my husband knew one guy who did have porn at work, and the other guys called him (and not in a nice way, 'Porn King'). This sounds like addictive behaviour.

Before you make yourself crazy over something that is not your fault, really has nothing to do with you (it is not the fault of great and glorious women every where that there are some really dumb*** men out there), I suggest that you might want to go and talk to someone professionally about how you can deal with this situation so that your self-esteem does not take a beating.

Good luck.

Very very very well said.......

Hi Colleen,

You know, I have never asked him how his ex felt about it. I do know that he said she was bi-polar, realized that he was "not inlove" with her or "aroused" by her and that he felt bad that he know now he only married her because he fell in love with "the family". She has two children from a previous marriage before they married. I do know that his ex was dealing with the aftermath of a hysterectomy and he told me that she would get these totally weird ideas about him in her head, one of which when they were driving in the middle of a city , she really flipped out and started accusing him of having girlfriend in the city and had an apartment for her there. He claims she was delusional. And also that his ex thought he was having an affair with his bosses younger sister. Hmmmm. I thought it sounded strange but didn't keep questioning him.

His dad is a pervert in my opinion. We lived near them for 8 months and would spend time at their home having dinner. His dad and mom have a little adorable dog and his dad would joke that "Jake" their dog like having his pee pee rubbed. I was appalled and everyone else was laughing. Later on my hubby made a comment that his dad is sick, but in a joking way sort of.

Also, I have expressed to him my own insecurities and asked him how old he was when his dad first introduced him to pornography. He blew up and told me to never speak about his dad that way again. I saw his anger and so I backed down and let it go.

And, now that I have gone this far with things I should tell you that I have more concerns. I suspect he likes girls very young. I have noticed he get almost jealous over teenage girls and very protective of them. For instance, when we first were dating we hung out at a bar locally and there was a 17 year old there that he never spoke to but on two different occassions mentioned to me and some of ou friends that he couldn'tbelieve she was only 17 and if it was his daughter she would be locked up at home. The last time he made a comment like that I asked him why did it concern him, he wasn't her father. I also asked him then if he was attracted to her and what was it about. He acted so disgusted with me for even suggesting such a thing. Said I was acting psycho.

Another time a friend of his came by to help us move. They were outside, I was inside packing and heard my hubby say to his friend "I got kicked out of girl scouts... ****, I went to look outside and there was our 12 year old neighbor girl walking by as he said this. When we were packing I went into his closet and pulled out a bag of clothes that he had brought with him from before. I dumped them out and thought it was odd that they were all soiled little girls underwear aand a few boys underwear and socks. I dismissed it that it was still stuff left over from when he left his ex-wife (remember, she had two children one of which was an 11 year old girl at the time he left). I didn't really think much of it until I started noticing more little things an then started to add them all up.

It scares me to think that my hubby might be into little virgin girls. Is it just my own sick imagination? God, I do need to talk to someone.


****Board Administrator: If you must repeat your husband's (alleged) comments, please find more acceptable words to substitute for some of his (alleged) offensive expressions.

Ok this last paragraph is frightening.....you need to talk to someone quickly. I'm not a professional in this area at all but the items you found in that bag need an explanation. And he brought the bag with him? Not normal at all.....do not confront him. But get some help unraveling what all this occurences point to....

i'm sorry your going through this ,But i can't help put my two cents in If my hubby came home after looking at nude pics or younger women his butt would be in the dog house then he can go to the cat house!! if you know what i mean. If my hubby has to look at nude pics to get aroused to have sexual intercourse then he can just leave!!! I think i beter shut up for now but i had to say something. Goodluck dear make your own decision. Lizardlover

Hi Gibbersbaby,,

I must say for my own conscience,,The second response of your concern raises RED FLAGS to the fact your husband could be a danger to children.If I kept my peace and did not at least say something it would be wrong.Your gut instint has got to have some weight to this situation.You are feeling more and more uneasy about what you see and feel..

I would urge you to seek help,I wonder if your husband has a secret life..So many people could be hurt..

Please forgive me if I have offended you ,,but I am really concerned for you and the children(girls) I have never met that you are speaking of.Children need a voice to speak up for them.

I would hope you still free to share your heart here at PS ,as I have found genuine love and care from the women here.Please follow your heart and do the right thing.

Pamela

Please let me say something to you, gibbersbaby. I owe you my sincerest apology for my initial response to what could be a very serious problem for you and your husband. I have felt VERY bad, after reading further, that I was so glib about your situation in the very beginning. I couldn't see the entire picture and I should have refrained from saying anything. Please please forgive me.

I agree with thinkpink44 that this situation should not be taken lightly!! The clothes in the closet alone my mean nothing, but the comment that he made about how he "use to eat brownies" , throws up some pretty strong red flags. That is absolutely NOT something that any decent human being would be joking about.

Child exploitation has become of epedemic proportions and as hard as it is going to be for you, this should be taken very seriously.

I pray you find the strength to do whatever it is you have to do and know that if your suspicions are correct, you will be doing whatever is in the best interest of everyone involved.

Praying for you,

bev

Gibbersbaby,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. The really good news out of this is that you know in your heart that things are not right. Listen to your inner voice and follow it. Our instincts are rarely wrong.

Colleen

I would be concerned only because you say "he can only" be aroused this way. While it is normal for men to aroused from looking at naked women, It would bother me immensley if my husband was not able to be aroused by me.

Gosh! What a mess! There are many resources that you can go to regarding sexual addiction and pornography. I would stop this immediately! By that, I mean remove yourself until he gets help if he is willing. He is a total creep - what do you want him for? He is totally using you. Listen well to the advice of so many here - they have hit the nail on the head regarding this behavior.
It is not my place to say leave but it is what I would have to do. I wouldn't be able to stomach looking at this man who made sacred vows to me in front God. He sounds worse than a high school boy.
The comments on his dad are right on - my father-in-law is very similar - allowed the Playboy Channel in the home when my husband was a young teen and encouraged looking at his trashy truck driver-store magazines. People eventually act out. My husband as a teen, was already fooling around with a local police officer's wife - 9 years older than him. I very much blame the dad! Luckily none of this is in his or my life as adults. We have other issues and are taking advantage of outside help or we would not be together at all.
Be faithful to yourself - do what you feel is right. He certainly won't.
Sorry for the stern tone honey, but I care about you and what you have described of him just soooo p's me off!!!
Best of Luck!

Your husband probably does love you very much and does mean the caring things he says to you.

Separate from that he has a serious problem. Your feelings about him looking at porn isn't even the biggest issue here.

I suspect he may be into child porn and from the bag of clothing you found, he is just short of acting out if he has not already.

This is illegal, morally wrong, and very dangerous. While you are not the one at fault, you need to ask yourself how you will feel if you find out he has harmed a child. I urge you to do some research and find out what your options are. When you are well prepared with information about help available or the alternatives, confront him. Then stick to your guns.

I am sorry to be so blunt. I've been working on writing this post for awhile and all the caring gentle words I tried to write just came out wrong. This must be a very confusing and hurtful thing for you and I'm sorry for all you are going through. This board is a great place to come for support. I wish you all the best.

Please go and see a conselor and get qualified advice first...then tell him that you want to do couples conseling. I have a feeling he will blow up if you even suggest it. At that point I would get away from him....leave. NO NORMAL MAN keeps or saves childrens underware....there is NO GOOD explanation as to WHY he has choosen to do so. Confronting him may lead to an act of violence against you...I wouldn't do that at all. If you must then you absolutely must have several family members present for your personal safety.

There are many red flags in this man's behavior....whenever you confront someone about their behavior and they only come back with "your nuts" "your psycho" that tells me all I need to know....he is the one that is nuts! He is keeping a BIG secret from you and I am sure he has another email address...it is sooooo easy to do...this way you have no idea what he's up to....he may visit chat rooms and do all kinds of horrible things...the list is endless. JMO HTH

I am 39 and my G/F would be 49 this year. We have been together 12 years now and the sex is wonderful. She looks great and I cant wait for her periods to stop. I am looking forward for her going into menopause. The only problem is that I cant get enough of her cause she is married. He hubby is 52.