Hi, all--

After YEARS of trying NOT to have arguments with my mother (whom I swear has BPD and OCD), last Sunday I finally couldn't take it anymore. We had a hour+ phone conversation in which I attempted to discuss a lot of her/our issues--but she twisted every detail from the past to suit her story (which she has also been doing for years) and hung up on me. I felt fine during the phone call--calm, on top of things-- but afterwards I did my typical peri thing: the "head full" feeling, crying, and traveling aches and pains. Yesterday I felt terrible--couldn't get enough sleep and was really dizzy all day. This morning is starting out the same way--dizzy and a massive headache is beginning. My period, which was a really strange one this time, just finished, so I suspect some of my problems are from that--but could the stress of this be causing this icky feeling? I used to be able to have an altercation and aside from a bit of worrying afterwards, never had physical symptoms like this.

I hate this. I truly, truly hate this. I want my "old" body and responses back. Does it get better? When?

Thanks, all--
moteachr

Hello moteachr,
I understand where you are coming from. I have confrontations with my mom too. It has been difficult dealing with mom since my dad died. At this stage in her life I am basically responsible for her care. When I get upset I have a sudden rush of adrenaline and it makes me feel bad. It takes a long time for it to wear off. Then add the hormones into the mix of the everything and I really feel bad. The adrenaline makes me shake, the hormones make me cry and my blood pressure goes through the roof. So I try to keep myself on an even keel and try to turn a "deaf ear" when mom starts to vent. I won't listen to it anymore and that is the only thing that gets me by. I do what I need to do for her and I leave. If she starts when I am talking to her on the phone I give her some excuse like, "my dryer is finished and I have to hang up the clothes, I need to go now. I love you, bye." That works even better. It's sad because the mom I knew when I was growing up was not like this. Hang in there--turn that "deaf ear", it works.

lavenderladywing

Thanks for your kind words and understanding. It's been a heck of a week--LOTS of anxiety that I am trying to manage. Mom keeps writing letters--with lots of nasties in them. And she is back to inferring that she wishes she were gone--for good. Now I've heard this since 6th grade (and I'm 49 now) so it's a pretty consistent pattern, but still, I worry about this. And with all the turmoil, worrying, and the physical health problems that this is creating for me--which I'm sure is only exacerbated (spelling??) by the hormones floating all over--I'm ready to walk away from this truly toxic relationship.

I've tried the "deaf ear" for the last two years--but she thinks I don't care about her or am preoccupied, so why did I bother calling her in the first place--stuff like that. I think she's being vile just to get a raise out of me. It appears to be a game with her. One of my older sisters walked away from the relationship and my other older sister was discarded by Mom last year--she didn't do anything--just received a letter basically explaining a series of offenses that my sister supposedly did to my mom and dad over the years. It was a REALLY nasty letter. And SO untrue. We all know Mom needs help--meds--and have tried to talk to her about it, but she won't even try to listen to us. And then she gets REALLY ticked off at us--and only because we're trying to make her life better.

So I wonder why I bother. Guilt? Love? Just caring for another human? I'm not sure. But I hate feeling so icky--and all this anxiety is just mounted on top of the peri stuff--which is bad enough, as we all know.

Thanks for letting me vent a bit. That in itself helps. And thanks, ladylavenderwing, for your suggestion and caring.

moteachr

That's exactly my panic trigger and what happens to me. When mum is happy..I'm fine. When she's unwell, or just in a bad mood - I get panic attacks. It was always, stressful but now, it's far, worse. She does not accept that I get panic attacks - which I didn't ever have pre menopause. We are advised to try to avoid, stress. it is impossible. I love her very much but she has always..even when young, seemed to be unable or unwilling to not stress people out until they are wrecked. I have to drive for an hour to see her and I'm often driving trying to keep a panic attack under control. My older sister also, is very stressful and when we visit mum at the same time sometimes she also behaves as if the incredible tension they create and believe me - it is..has no effect. I'm considered to be self indulgent. What were the words once.." Airy- fairy imagined stuff...you'll need mental treatment". I have no, anxiety or panic attacks at home or when out with friends if I've not been stressed out by mum. Other people are very stressed by being with either, of them. again..this is not to do with age. It has always been the same. Most neighbours of both of them, other relatives and so on. I sympathise so much, with anyone who has to cope. The advice is good. I'm going to try again, to be as loving but a little more detached.

PS My sister is a retired senior nurse. Both are aware that I've had tachycardia with panic attacks plus have had to start taking beta blockers. it makes no, difference.

Oh Boy, Mom issues. Where do I begin? I left California for Florida back in 1985 and was so happy to be getting away from my mother who lived about an hour away. She is an odd woman with lots of negative things to say about everyone. I did miss my Dad though. when he passed away my mother was promised a home forever with my brother in Texas. However, his wife turned out to be a raging alcoholic so my mother called and told me she was moving to florida. I had no room in my house for her, so she said she was coming "either with or without my help". So here she comes five years ago. I helped her find a small condo nearby and from that moment on, dealt with every possible medical emergency you can imagine. Just this past year alone she had three surgeries and three stays in the nursing home for rehab. She is never happy, always upset about something. I am suffering from anxiety and this has been one of the causes I'm sure. My other two sisters refuse to have her come live near them. We're all spread out over the country. anyway, my back is tightening up just writing about this. It would be so different if I had a different relationship with her, but she has affected all her children the same way. There are lots of activities for her at the club house but she refuses to get involved in anything. Thank God she was able to start driving after her last surgery and is able to make it the block to her local grocery store and pharmacy. That does help a great deal. Occasionally, I feel guilt, but all my kids tell me they don't like her either and can see how hard it is on me. All I can do is keep going and doing the best I can.

All the very best to you Susan. I think that if we were cold and didn't care, it wouldn't be as difficult..but of course that's impossible. I'm so grateful for my friends, neighbours and also for this great, site. A bit of normality, works wonders very quickly !

Susan, our Mom issues sound are very similar. I had a very difficult mother, much like yours, who always was extremely negative, and was very hard of hearing (refused treatment for her problem), and couldn't drive. She wouldn't participate in any activities at all. She had many health issues later in life, and my brother and 4 adult children did nothing for her, and my sister was of limited help and always busy with "friends" (both lived within 20 minutes of her). My mother died at 84, and the stress of handling all these health issues for a very difficult mother and coping with young children for me, and trying to start a business was unbelievable. My husband always wondered why I didn't involve my brother in more of the care, but both he and his wife (who had previously refused to take our father to radiation treatments--now she's a nurse, by the way--go figure that one out) obviously didn't care, and my sister had a difficult relationship with my mother, so she was of limited help.

My brother's kids didn't like my mother, so that was their excuse for not seeing their sick, elderly grandmother. Even though your kids say they don't like her she's still their grandmother, and good for you for keeping up the relationship. Children need to know their grandparents, and they need to learn compassion and know that all relationships aren't easy ones.

Is it possible for your siblings to pay for some of the care of your mother to lessen the burden on you? They refuse to have her live near them, but that doesn't absolve them of their responsibilities. My siblings obviously didn't care about our mother, but you shouldn't have to shoulder all the care. Think of your own health and sanity. Looking back I should have thought of my needs somewhere along the way. Try writing a letter to them--I wrote one to my brother after my mother died about his actions and he doesn't want to see me again. "No good deed goes unpunished" apparently, and now I'm much more aware of how people treat their parents.

One idea I recommend is on-line food shopping, if it's available in your area. I and many of my friends have the job of shopping for elderly parents, but you can order on-line and have it delivered to your mother's door if she gets incapacitated again, if available. Slightly more expensive, but well worth the time savings for you (have siblings pitch in for the cost).

I have many friends at my age who are dealing with elder issues. A male friend just started medication for his anxiety after dealing with similar issues--a very sick mother, and difficult siblings. I think integrity really shows (or doesn't show) when dealing with elderly parents. The friends I have now are all like me--very concerned about aging parents, and compassionate. You should applaud yourself for doing such a good job with your mother.

Right now my mother-in-law is fighting cancer and needs a lot of care, and we're far away, but the family has hired a caregiver to help. One of the children is close by and she is burdened with the day to day care, but we buy her clothes, pay her bills, handle insurance issues, etc. Even though we're far away there are things we can do to help. Try making a list of things to delegate to your siblings. I can tell you right now how they react will reveal their character. When I asked my brother to take part in transporting my mother to a weekly doctor appointment he was absolutely furious--almost frothing at the mouth, if I could see him over the phone. I couldn't believe it--until you push them you don't know where they stand. I was much too meek over the years dealing with my siblings, since I was the youngest--I was the youngest by many years, but my mother gave me all the responsibility of handling her money, affairs, etc (this should tell you something).

Long post, but taking care of an elderly parents is so time consuming and draining I wanted to share my experiences and throw out ideas. Good luck, and stay positive (I know it isn't easy!),

Frisbee

Oh Frisbee, Thanks for such a long response. Yes, It does sound like we have similar issues with our mothers. In your case you're the youngest child, and in my case I'm the eldest. My siblings have no qualms in just saying "I couldn't get along with her at all...she can't come here." Period, just like that. The other sister basically says the same thing.....she is NOT going to live near me. OK, I get the point. And as for my brother who told my father he'd care for her forever once he passed, will never take her back. He is now divorcing his alcohoic wife and getting on with his life in peace. I have my own issues, a marrriage I don't want to be in, etc., but I've been handed this woman on a silver platter. No option for me to say "no, she can't stay near me." sigh........ My kids offer to help me because they know what a strain she is on me, but every time I ask them to help out in some way, there is a reason they can't. OK, if you don't mean it, don't offer. So I basically don't ask for help and just go on doing it all myself. Her mother lived to be 100 and was very similar in nature. Sooooo, this could be going on for a very long time if she inherited my grandmother's genes. God help me. I wish I had a different relationship with her as do my siblings, but she'll never change and its very sad. I envy women who have a close loving relationship with their mothers. My kids all seem to be close to me and for that I feel very blessed. I guess my mother didn't learn from seeing her mother's actions. I appreciate your suggestions about the food purchasing, etc. And I have already mentioned to my brother and sisters that they may need to contribute to her care if I can't handle it. After all we are all her children, whether we like it or not. And they did seem receptive. Its the day to day calls about every little thing that starts to grate on the nerves. And she never calls any one but me. Oh well, enough complaining.....its not going to change anything. lol! I do try and stay positive and try to let it roll off my back and ignore a lot. Thanks so much for sharing.
Susan T

Susan, I know how frustrating it is when siblings are able to turn their heads to parents. Just think of the compassion you are teaching your own children. Even though they may not be as involved as you want them to be, I'm sure they'd step up to the plate if you pushed them. My mother NEVER called my siblings--just me. It was really strange. And now my sister (who showed little compassion or interest in my mother) is estranged from her own daughter. So it's great that your own children are very close to you. What goes around definitely comes around. I also envy others who have close relationships with their mothers. I've always envied people who have parents who can help with children, or just be supportive. In both my family and my husband's we've had to give financially, emotionally, and physically (lots of trips to doctor appointments, errands, etc.) for our parents. It can take over your life. My advice is to be somewhat more detached and perhaps less responsive to your mother. I know how annoying all those calls are--to this day I dread the phone ringing, because I always anticipate some problem on the other end of the line, due to the years of taking care of the endless needs of my mother. I don't know that people who aren't in the same situation can really understand how all-consuming caring for a difficult parent can be. My mother was manipulative, and at the same time very childish, and depressed and downbeat most of the time. I would have had an easier time of it if she had been more upbeat. When I used to pick her up for long rides for doctor visits (she of course refused to go to local doctors so I'd do 100 miles round trip with 2 young kids) I used to have my kids listen to their headphones so they wouldn't have to listen to her. Very difficult to deal with.

That's good that your siblings are receptive. My advice is to keep them informed of EVERYTHING that you are doing for your mother--even track the phone calls each week so they realize what a drain it is to you. It isn't fair--you have all this responsibility and they have none, and as you say, you are ALL her children, whether they like it or not. Even though they don't like her (they may still love her in their own ways) it doesn't absolve them of their responsibilities, and I wish I had reminded my brother of that many years ago. He said he just couldn't see her, never brought his children to see her, and at the end of her life he and his wife were quite eager to pull the plug on her. My children saw a lot during her final years--the tremendous amount of work it takes to maintain an elderly parent, and so many times I just gritted my teeth. My mother required endless doctor appointments in her final years, yet she never bothered taking us to the doctor or the dentist when we were younger. Go figure. But you know the right thing to do for your mother and are doing it.

Keep your sanity, Susan. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. When you wrote "God help me" I know exactly what you mean--I asked for help many times. I really think that sometimes I was put on this earth just to help my parents, they both needed so much help. Not all people have the strength you have, just remember that.

Good luck with everything,

Frisbee