Hi, I am new here and thankful I found this site. I am 47, I'm in perimenopause and I had a hysterectomy last year. I kept my ovaries but I haven't been the same since the surgery. Depression is something I have to fight as well as the anxiety. I have had mild social anxiety for years but now it is getting worse. Actually my anxiety about everything is worse. I'm not on any medications but I am going to consider some sort of anti-anxiety med. I am finding myself staying home more and more, this is where I am the most comfortable. I am divorced and I only have one child still at home. She is going to be a senior and is rarely home, so, I am alone a lot lately. I work but sit at a computer all day with little social interaction, and I feel like I'm slowly losing my ability to know how to deal with people. I am becoming lonely but the stress of getting out and doing somiething about it stresses me out. I was just wondering if any other's out there feel this way. I feel like I am slowly but surely losing my mind!

Hi marya47,

Welcome to you. This is certainly a great place and I'm sure you'll find other feeling exactly the same way you do. I've had an anxiety problem ever since I'm a young girl but it really reared it's ugly head in my late 20's. Peri hasn't helped either....that came with anxiety along with a ton of other problems/symptoms. I certainly can relate to how lonely you feel as the anxieyt kept me isolated at times too over the years....I've struggled with agoraphobia too, barely could go out to the store. I've gone on anxiety medication to help myself after suffering for so many years I also sought counseling which I highly recommend for everyone struggling with anxiety. I've had to fight really hard for this not to overcome me, but, like I said, I did get counseling and knowing that I had someone to talk to every week helped a great deal. I also had support from a few friends. I hope you feel better soon.

Hugs,
Karen

Hi Mary, I am new here too. found this board just yesterday. I just wanted to say that I absolutely can relate to your situation. I am 48, divorced 11 years. Youngest is 17. I work at home and have ZERO social interaction. I finally called a friend, who I had not had contact with in a long time, shared some really deep stuff I was going through. She came and got me out of my house and is calling me almost every day. I was a total wreck and was getting ready to do something extremely stupid that I would have regretted for the rest of my life. I was in total desperation. I did not want to leave my house, but I forced myself to do it and I feel like I'm starting to feel halfway normal again, aside from the menopausal symptoms. Sometimes you have to push yourself to call on a friend. Your own home will become your prison if you don't get out. I think you'll be surprised to find that we all suffer from emotional instability in one form or another.

I hope we can talk again soon,

bev

I've had social anxiety my whole life. I was always a scared little kid, didn't have many friends and felt like a misfit when I was around people. And forget about having boyfriends (that's still an issue, but for another forum and another day). By the time I was a senior in high school, I couldn't even make a phone call to find out what time a movie started. I would be a complete nervous wreck. My hands would shake and sweat, and my voice would quiver. My attitude was "They'll get mad if I bother them." My mother decided that I needed help and I was in therapy for a few months.

It got better, but I continued to be a loner. But I just assumed that was a personality trait. I first noticed that it was more than that when I went to a baby shower in my mid-30s and had to do everything in my power to keep from running screaming out of the room. I sat in my chair and in my head I kept saying "I have to get out of here." And I knew every person in the room (about two dozen) for at least 3 years. A couple of years later, I turned down the opportunity to be the Maid of Honor at my best friend's wedding because of this same anxiety. I was thinking "What if I fall down in the aisle and ruin the wedding?" (Doesn't help that I'm a hopeless klutz.) Fortunately my friend knew me well and understood. A few years ago, Newsweek did a feature on Social Anxiety. I broke down crying when I read it because I realized they were talking about me. I still never really treated it though. I had become comfortable being alone, so didn't feel like it was a real problem anymore.

Now here in my forties, it's starting to raise its ugly head again. I'm not fully agoraphobic, but I find myself making excuses not to go anywhere. My friends rarely invite me anywhere, particularly parties at their homes, because they know I'll turn them down. My sister gripes at me for never going out anywhere. She's a social butterfly and can't imagine why I stay to myself so much. I blame car troubles, the heat, the rain, the cold, chores to do at home, something on TV, anything to keep from going out. Plus now I've developed peri-induced health anxiety, so I worry about leaving the house and having a heart attack while I'm driving or shopping. I'm trying to fight it now that even other people have commented that I'm gonna turn agoraphobic if I don't leave the house more. But's it tough.

So yes, I can relate. The best thing to do is catch it early before it takes over your life. Or soon you'll be like me and actually be comfortable in your misery. Good luck.

My mom has SAD and it has been very hard on her,, I finally have have talked her into taken anxiety meds..She lives very far away from me and I dont see her but maybe 1 or 2 times a year.She used to be a social butterfly untill she got sick with phenomia.Then it took her 8 mon to recover,,she slowly started to recluse to staying home all the time, and it got to where she did not want to leave the house at all..

This was a 4 yr period, and the meds have helped so much she can at least have a conversation in public now.I told her to take baby steps,it is heart breaking to watch some one you love go threw this.It was tormenting to her.

Webalina, I cried when I read your post.My heart goes out to you.I know the emotions are real,maybe you already have ,but in case you have not try some meds for your SAD..There is a whole world out there waiting for your smile and your imput..We were created for relationships, it is the oil that keeps us thriving.

Blessings to all who are going threw this..

((Big Hugs))

Pamela

Here is what worked for me: distraction. You must continue to experience the situations that cause you anxiety, and you learn how to distract yourself. You can't think of two things at once. This is the whole secret behind why distraction works. If you avoid the situations, your anxiety will double and triple, and be all the harder to deal with when you must--and that day will come. If you didn't clean one room in your house for years, but you cleaned the rest of the house, that uncleaned room would get worse and worse until it was a real job--and there would be a day when you would have to clean it, and you'd wish you had done it more frequently so it wasn't such a job. Same thing with learning to control your social anxiety and panic attacks--by going into those situations that cause you anxiety, and learning how to distract yourself, you can overcome your panic. There is no other way.

One thing that really worked with me for social anxiety was realizing that I needed to get my mind off of myself. Social anxiety is caused by being obsessed with YOU--how you're feeling, what you're thinking, and your growing panic.

I'd start chatting with someone--anyone. Ask them how their kids are (people usually LOVE to talk about their kids), or their job, or if they don't have either of these, and you know them enough, ask them how they are feeling, how their husband is--think of SOMETHING to ask them. This gets easier as you practice it.

Then, as they are talking to you (and hopefully they will talk a lot), picture what they are saying. Focus on everything they are saying and form a mental picture in your mind. Say they start talking about when their car stalled and they had to call a tow truck. Normally this would be so boring your mind would wander and you'd start thinking about YOU and your panic. Instead, as they tell you about their car, picture everything they are saying. Ask more questions. Keep picturing what they are saying. You can't panic when you're doing this.

If you get stuck with a dud who doesn't want to chat, turn and try the other person next to you. Sit between people; move around; find someone to talk to.

Bev, for the feelings of isolation, which I've had to deal with, try thinking of something you can do for someone. In my case, a neighbor of ours got a new dog so I offered to take care of it when they went away for the weekend and could not bring their dog with them. I enjoyed the dog and got to know the people. Maybe there is something you're good at that you can offer to do for someone.

Remember that panic multiplies if you give in to it. The only way to fight panic is to distract yourself and learn to control it.

Great advice CSugarGrove!
You're so right about our mind focusing too much on what we're feeling (panic) and actually not even taking in what the surroundings are or what people are saying.
I've noticed that when I'm out with my grandchild and have to focus on him, I'm perfectly alright and enjoy myself hugely. I don't even realize until later that I was fine. Just plain forgot about poor anxious little me!
I'm going to practice that visual aid advice as soon as possible, and will be very brave and step by step I'll be leaving my comfort-zone and be free again!!!!
Anymore practical advice? Is this out of a book you read or is it you own wisdom?
Whatever, thanks so much!!
You deserve big, big hugs, so here they come (((((((((((CSugarGrove)))))))))))))
Hope you're feeling wonderful!
Jonie

Thank you, Jonie. I do feel better now than in peri. I would not want to go through peri again for anything! My sympathies to anyone who's in it now. Hopefully things will get better for you.

I had very bad driving panic in peri. That's how I figured out distraction and immersion. Immersion is when you face your fears head-on and allow them to surround you. I was absolutely a basket case about driving all of a sudden. I couldn't drive on the tollway to work, but I had to because we had just built a new home. My husband could not understand what was wrong with me. He'd be totally relaxed in the car, one arm on the windowsill, and I was a wreck--my hands turned to ice and my heart must have been going at 300 beats a minute.

Now I look back at that and kind of have to laugh. My husband was scratching his head and I'm saying, "I can't drive; I can't drive!!" I'd been driving all over the place since I was 18 and now I couldn't drive? It makes me laugh to remember my husband's bewildered expression.

But I had to drive, and that's immersion and that's what cured me. That and the distraction. I finally found that playing my favorite music was the best thing, and I'd just totally focus on the music. If I did that, I'd get to where I was going with no panic. It really is in your control.

marya47:
yes last year when i 1st started perimeno . and did not know what was happening i had non stop panic attack . i tried meds zanax , ativan , zoloft , cymbalta all gave me horrible reactions and made my panic worse i take no meds started and organic diet and vitamins feel 100% better and only get mild anxiety , but the memories of all i went thru r there so i still am not where i want 2 b in my life but iam coping grace of god na dthese wonderful ladies here . being alone is tuff because then yr mind wanders all over . do u have any hobbies ? anything else i can help with just email me .

mookiehantamom@yahoo.com (roxanne / 49 mother of 5 33 - 15 )

Hi CSugar,
I'm glad you could overcome your panic driving. I'm going through that right now! I used to drive 200 kms a day and for the past 8 months I can't even drive 5 min. to pick my daughter up from work. I don't know where this came from. I know I shouldn"t avoid it but I am so scared. My husband will drive when I can't but there are times where I have to. It terrifies me. Any other advice you can give would be great as this is really hard. I know that it is just anxiety. Have had that since i was 46. Am 48 now. I just want to be normal.

CSugar -- you are so completely right on this. My mom and I play Scrabble all the time, and I told her just the other day that I should play when I'm having a panic attack. I concentrate on the game so much, it might break the tension of the attack. I wish my job was more interesting. Trying to distract myself from a panic attack at work is a complete dud, because my job is so boring.

Thanks for the info!

Webalina, you and me both! My job is so SLOW right now; not much to do. I'd rather be really busy than this. Can you wear headphones and listen to music? Do you have any kind of music that you like? If you put on your headphones and listen to your favorite music when you feel the panic starting, it can steer you right past it. Or try standing up (if this is feasible) and walk briskly across the room or down a hall, counting 100 steps. Then walk back and try to do it in 50 steps (bigger). This will take your mind off the panic.

Franky, I was just about your age when I started having driving panic. Here are some ways that I distracted myself. They may sound dumb, but they got my mind off of my panic and that's all you need to do. Try rolling down the windows. It will get windy in the car but you can't roll the windows up until you get there. Try turning on the air conditioning if you have it. You can't shut it off until you get there. I'd be freezing and pretty soon the only thing I cared about was getting there so I could shut it off. I've heard of people counting black cars, or any color cars--try counting white cars; green cars; whatever. Turn on the radio to a talk show, turn up the volume, and repeat everything right after they say it, like an echo. It takes your mind off the panic! My best solution was playing my favorite music on the radio and imagining the broken line in the road going by in time to the music. I know all these suggestions sound dumb, but I got over the panic attacks by doing one of these and now I haven't had an attack in years. I drive 30 miles every day.

Thanks for the advice. I will try them. It's funny, when I do have to drive the only way I can Is with the window open. Doesn't matter , cold or hot outside. Appreciate your input. just knowing that you got over it is encouraging.