I have been in a stressful situation for a number of years now and it is getting worse. First, I have had to take care of my family for the past 6 years while my husband has been in and out of the hospital and continues to be ill and will never work again. I work everyday, he stays home and takes our son to school and picks him up, I come home from work and have to keep on working -- doing laundry, cooking, housework, bills.......it never ends. and on top of this, my 94 year old Mom just moved nearby and needs my attention - so I am being pulled in 3 directions at once, from my husband, my son and my mother - I have no time for myself, no love life whatsoever or anything close as my husband and I have not been intimate for over 6 years because of his health situation. I take care of everyone but myself and put myself at the end of the "need" list. I am going to be 50 years old this year but feel a lot older -- most days I can cope, but with this menopause thing going on with everything else in my life, those days are getting shorter and shorter and the days I feel overwhelmed are getting worse. I cry almost every day because of the situation, don't get me wrong I don't feel sorry for myself but I just don't feel like a woman who deserves to be loved. I have gained a lot of weight and tried to work out but I don't have time so that goes by the wayside. We don't have a lot of money because he is on social security plus my income from my job, plus putting one son thru college -- there is no end in sight and I feel like one day I will wake up and have lost my mind for real. I am glad I can come here and at least feel like I am doing one thing for myself. Thanks for listening to me ramble on.

I really feel for you!!! Just reading your post made me exhausted...

If your hub is capable of taking your son to school and back, it means he is mobile enough to walk, right? If that's the case, why isn't he helping with the housework, in a gentle way? I understand that he's ill, but again, being able to walk around, why can't he do a little gentle food preparation at night? Tidy things around the house, in between sitting down to rest? Doing laundry is a simple matter of moving things from the washer to the dryer.

It sounds like you have way, way too much on your plate, and surely you deserve some help.

I've said before on this site, and will repeat that my mantra in menopause is: never do for other people what they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves. It is lovely that you are a caregiver, a loving person - your family is luckier than they can even imagine. But you are human, too.

Hon, you deserve heartfelt caring no matter what you look like, how much you weigh - don't buy into that whole societal crapola. You're a woman with a truly good, kind heart, and have as much right as anyone else to be cared for. Where's your help?

Be gentle with yourself, and encourage your loved ones to do all they can for themselves.

JJ

Just wanted to add some support. JJ is right, you have got to get some help from somewhere, otherwise you are going to run yourself into the ground, and then how is everyone going to cope? They'll have to manage then, so they might as well start getting some practice in now. You're carrying too much, too many people are leaning on you and you've got to find a way to lighten that load even if it means you start saying 'no' occasionally. How come your hubby can't take over dealing with the bills, and maybe doing just a few little chores around the place? What about your son? What age is he? Are there things he could do to help? I must admit I started my kids early on the chores and it certainly hasn't done them any harm (working single mother, also studying for a degree), there's no way I could have carried on doing it all myself, otherwise I'd be in a straightjacket by now!!

Taking care of yourself doesn't mean you're depriving others, and it doesn't make you any less loving or caring. You ain't wonder woman! You're just a woman doing the best she can, only right now it's too much.


x

I absolutely agree with JJ and MsJen. In fact, as i read your post thoughts like - if he can collect your son from school, why can't he:

pay the bills, balance the bank accounts, place by phone any orders ie catalogue etc.... Is there a grocery store and or pharmacy that delivers for free? cutting green beans, salad stuff, shelling peas, peeling potatoes...These are a handful of jobs you can do sitting down More ambitious jobs would be sweeping or swiffering hard floors, dusting, clearing and wiping down kitchen and bathroom worksurfaces etc. Is he eligable for home support programs? That's were someone comes in and helps him with personal functions, ie bathing.

And sex. Please. He has been your reason d'etre for six years.... there's manual and oral sex. You look after him, he could look after you, before you find someone else.

And your son. Is he home from college? What's he doing to help? His future wife will bless you to pieces if your son knows how to vacuum thoroughly, roast beef, make stew, laundry etc. to say nothing of lawn and garden work at home and at his gran's. Yes, I know you're only young once, but you're only old once, too. And is there any provision for him to repay some or all the college cash you're ante-ing up for his benefit? Might make retirement more do-able.

You absolutely must have some support. Are there other siblings in the area that can help with your mom? You just cannot have it all lumped on you without something going horriblely, spectacularly wrong.

I know this sounds a little mean to your son, and maybe to hubby, but I firmly believe you don't do anyone any favours when you do too much. You son is a man now, and it's time he helped with family responsibility. Your husband might feel stronger if you make him move around a little more, and if he feels like he's helping shoulder the burden, he won't feel like the burden. That can't be good for his ego.

Best of luck, and monster hugs. Put your feet up tonight, and ask hubbs to make tinned stew and toast. If that doesn't work, have a night out a week with 'the girls' and let him fend for himself.

oops - that should have read Jenilou, not MsJen. Sorry Jenilou. My brain turned into peasporridge cold about 12 days ago.

I really feel for you and I posted on something similar just a few days ago.

Seems at our age we ARE being pulled in so many directions and though all this wonderful caring advice is certainly great, it is SO hard to actually follow it as the reality of it all leaves little time to even contemplate doing it....phew....does that make sense? I hope it may help you to at least know I, and many others, are just like you...as my italian frined of 85 used to say to me....wadda ya gonna do......(shaking her head and gestering with her hands)....yep, wadda ya gonna do.....meaning so life goes.....

Believe me. I can relate to what you are going through. I had a very stressful time in my life several years ago plus the added burden of all of these peri symptoms. The stress built up so much that I felt like I was losing it! I didn't even realize the extreme effects on myself until others started pointing it out to me. Accepting the fact that I HAD to take time for myself and deal with this wasn't easy. I believe that many women are so used to doing for everyone else that we don't even realize when our bodies and mind is crying out for help.

I didn't have a lot of money for counseling, but whenever I could afford it I would just go to one session and it helped just talking about it. Many churches and community groups offer free counseling or support groups. Just to get some time for myself I would leave in my car and drive in the country for 15 min. Sometimes I would listen to a favorite CD or even vent out loud to myself--it was like releasing steam. I'm sure if anyone saw me talking to myself they would think I was strange But hey--it helped.

Taking a walk alone or with a friend for even as little as 10 min can help. Meeting a friend for lunch whenever you can is good also. Communicating on this board is wonderful. Please enlist the help of any family members and insist on their help. Your health is at risk whenever you are under extreme stress and you can't be there for yourself or anyone else if you become ill. Just remember that you are a special and important person and deserve some peace and happiness in your life.

For me my stress snowballed into constant worry and anxiety--wondering if I could manage it all. I had to learn that I can't do it all, I don't have control of it all and I had to turn it over to God. I had to prioritize and choose a managable schedule and let some things go and get help with other things. Above all I had to remember to take some time for myself.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be good to yourself!

I just wanted to thank all of you for your suggestions and support. It means a lot to me.

2sonsmom: I wish I had read your post sooner. I'm also going through a very trying time in my life. Husband out of work (very bad situation), recent bad car accident (me), poor health, job issues, health issues, meno issues, ugh! I felt like I had a full plate to begin with and then all of a sudden it just got 1000% worse. Every day lately has felt like one straw short of total collapse. I've had to readjust EVERYTHING. I don't have any magical advice except to say that you just take it one day at a time and try to carve out small spaces for yourself when and where you can. It's like...how do i say this....we have to find a way to have mercy on ourselves...to honor ourselves...instead leading abusively slavish lives. I still feel so guilty when I sleep late, or when I eat a bowl of ice cream. A bowl of ice cream, for God's sake! After all I've been through! I was in a restaurant today having lunch with my husband and there was no one else in the ladies room and there was a full length mirror and of course I just had to pull down my panty hose and look at my whole body in the mirror so I could be disgusted at my big flabby stomach and feel upset. Why do we do this? Where did we learn this? Who taught us to be so horribly mean to ourselves? Was it our mothers? Our generation? Society? Our role models (teachers, actors, etc.) I try so hard to follow the advice I give others/I'm not doing very well, I'm afraid.

I wish for you to find some peace and dignity and solace in the chaos of your life right now. I wish for you to rekindle some flavor of intimacy with your husband, even if it is just to hold hands or watch an old movie together. And I think the advice the other ladies have given you here is absolutely wonderful; God Bless every one of them.

I'm praying for you tonight...

Hugs from one frazzled woman to another,

Robin