Hi Ladies~~For along time I have been having anxiety about hubby finding me on the puter or not being busy enough everytime he comes in the house....then, on another thread I read that some of you have the very same feelings going on? We jump up everytime we hear them, or wait until their sound asleep I'm not sure what's up with this, because my hubby really doesn't seem to mind. He's never said a word, and most of the time he'll tell me to go take a nap or do something relaxing. The puter is relaxing to me but I'm always looking over my shoulder, then jumping up pretending I'm a very busy "Martha Stewart" type of gal

He fishes, has many friends who he enjoys time with, takes a nap everyday, may times I'll find him sleeping on the sofa in "his building" which has become his little haven, he has a sofa in there, little fridge, microwave..it's a cute little place for him to go and chill out (or maybe he's hiding from the meno-monster ) and I understand completely, but..........why do I always feel I must be doing something when he's around. He rolls his eyes at me when I say "I hope you don't think I'm being lazy" Hey, I even make myself annoyed!!! He is totally supportive of whatever I want to do, but something inside me tells me I'm not quite perfect enough. Analyze this one girls. Must be some kind of childhood thing or female thing so any ideas would be welcome. I thought I was alone in this until I saw the other ladies posts, there must be more of us out there!!

Blessings~~Fin

Fin,

I just made a big ol' rant about this in the "Un-Ease" thread.

You're certainly not alone - maybe it was a 1950's "good girl" thing? Sheesh!!!

JJ

awww JJ, I love rants, keep them coming, we certainly have reason to rant! My gosh you worked so hard and still do I know. Oh and the commitees been there done that! I bet like me you hated it, but did it out of guilt, is that true or did you enjoy them? You know I did gain courage this past August to give them up. It was driving me batty! The Church groups, restoration group, it was endless "do this do that", so I am happy I had the guts to do what I did.

Isn't it something that our daughters are so different than us. Great for them its time husbands did these things! I've carried so many drinks, plates of food to my hubby that it makes me giggle inside to see my SIL carry these things to my daughter.

Love Ya, Fin

I know exactly what you mean, fin. I work 8-9 hours every day, sometimes 12. I come home and I feel guilty for even sitting and reading the paper. When someone, usually my hub, comes in the room, I feel like I should get up and be doing something. A lot of the time I do, but I'm getting better at just sitting.

I think jj's right, it's that 1950's mentality that I think still is ingrained in our psyches!

Glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. My computer is in a room at the front of the house and I constantly keep an eye on the window for his car to pull in. When I see it I quickly sign off and run down the steps to make myself look busy when he comes in.

Funny thing is, I doubt that he really even cares. It's entirely a guilt feeling I've invented. We both work but his hours are 3 A.M. until noon. I teach so I leave the house around 6:30 and get home around 4. I usually find him sleeping on the couch when I get home and that really doesn't bother me. So why do I feel guilty about doing my "relaxing" on the computer? Who knows. Like most of you have said---it's probably one of those 50's good girl things. Wifey should always be doing something around the house and hubby just goes to work and he's done when he comes home.

You're right about the younger generation. I think most of the 20 and 30 something men tend to share in the home responsibilites and the women don't feel bad about enjoying their own time.

Oh well. Guess we were all born a couple of decades too soon.

We forged the way for our daughters, don't you think? LUCKY THEM!!!

Fin, I did NOT like committee work! It is so challenging being in the midst of little church battles while people decide who will do what, and how it will be done. So often I just didn't care enough about the subject! i.e. people getting utterly crazy about what kind of curtains to put in the vestry!

Ya know???

And even worse when there were big mega-mega issues, like changes in the children's programs. Whew!

No, I think churches should make things nice and simple for people, not BURDEN them!

JJ

JJ - Obviously, you're not in one of the guilt-driven religions that figure their doing you a massive favour by ensuring you're too busy doing good deeds and not frittering yourself away in a pool hall....

No good deed goes unpunished, right?

That 50's thing. I think you nailed it. My mother is the most amazing dynamo I know, and my mil runs a close 2nd. My mum's home looks like a museum - a sanitized one. My mil's-not so much, but she had 5 kids, three of whom were less that13 months apart. Plus, her mum moved over from the old country, and her in laws followed. oh-and she worked full time. I think she can be forgiven.

Me, maybe it's guilt that I'm simply not in their league, not in my best year, and certainly not now.

JJ~I was hoping you didn't like those commitees either. Ahhh, yes those committee battles I'd sit there trying to take notes while everyone agrued over the color of the pew cushions. "I like Red, they should be Red" "No... they really should be Beige, that will go with everything" This went on and on and always someone would leave mad because the color wasn't right Every meeting I watched as my hubby was appointed something to do, while the other men gladly sat back feeling no obligation to help or get their hands dirty. My hubby literally did everything there!!! So when I started having anxiety attacks and had to take bachs rescue remedy each Sunday just to get dressed to go, I finally asked myself "is this what it's supposed to be about" I'm committee free now, and find my peace in the nearby woods, I talk to God there. I know you understand Dear JJ

decamp~~~I think you are so right, our hubbys don't really care. We do invent this guilt, don't we. I'm just trying to dig deeper and figure out why, always have been an "analyze everything person" Whew...it gets tiring tho. You work hard and still feel the guilt, my goodness you deserve to sit at the puter. I don't work, so I feel very guilty.

mrsb~~My gosh, you work so hard, you deserve to sit and read that paper! I find it very interesting that even you ladies who work so hard feel this guilt. I thought maybe it was because I don't work, but you working girls feel the same

I applaud all of you who keep house and home going and slave in the workforce...God Bless You!

Duch~~wow, your mum and mil sound very energetic, Thats great!! My mum doesn't keep a clean house. She really never gets rid of anything so it's becoming very cluttered!! I'm lucky to find a clean cup for my coffee when I visit her. The good thing is she doesn't let it stress her...just hands me a paper towel and says "here wipe this one out"

Love to all, Have a Good Sunday


Fin

Hi Fin,

I'm more inclined to talk to God in the woods these days, too... Certainly we felt the spirit of God on our trip, especially at the top of Sandia Crest in New Mexico - that was an amazingly religious experience.

AND no committees, no gossip, no arguments over the unessential stuff.... just all that glory!

David is much better at tolerating the more difficult aspects of church stuff, and like your husband, was pretty much a one-man show for awhile there. I felt resentful, given how much he had to work during the week, and was tempted to march to the front of the church during the service at times and point to people in the pews and say, "You! Can't you do a little carpentry? You! You know how to type - why can't you do the program? You! You never help in the nursery!"

I know - kind of lost the spirit of loving my neighbor there, huh?

Aw, Fin, YOU GET IT!!!!

Duch,

You'd love this program I just saw recently on the BBC channel. It's one of those "reality" shows from England, where 2 OCD-clean-everything types, both women, of course, will go to someone's home, point out how filthy everything is, and then bring in a cleaning crew, with all the traditional before-and-after shots, etc. The camera people make sure to show such things as the grungy areas under one's kitchen sink, LOL - just disgusting as they can make it.

The episode I saw featured a woman who is a horse lover, and the stalls in the barn were IMMACULATE, while her house was a horrid mess. When the 2 cleaning ladies would wag their fingers at her, she'd say, but I love my horses! Very funny!

She totally won me over - easy to see her point!

JJ

JJ~~I felt the spirit just looking at your blog everyday, so I can only imagine how it made you and David feel. That inner peace..... a phrase comes to mind, must be somewhere in the bible ?? "I know that I know"

Our hubbys sound so much alike. Mine tolerated it too Do you know that I was told that during the snows the Church steps weren't even shoveled Guess who used to do that?

Oh yes Sister, I so understand wanting to march up to the front to rant! To bad we didn't do it, right JJ? I'm so sure there are many of us that feel exactly the same way!!

you

Fin

Hi Fin.
Mega blessings to you.
It is definetly a female thing. Guilt Guilt Guilt. It has been passed onto us from generation to generation. Relax and enjoy the new age of the cyber-world. That is part of our problem today . We are thinking in an old-fashioned way. Have to keep going to be a good mother or wife. We all need to say to ourselves, It's a new world. Before families lived so close to one another. My mom had her grandparents, cousins, aunts within walking distance of her. That is no longer the case for many of us. Communicating by computer has taken the place of that time. It has been a blessing for me. Let it be one for you. I just joined this website a few days ago and everyone has helped me tremendously. This is where we should be.
Hugs
Jazz

Hi Jazz~~Welcome! I do agree PS has been a blessing I joined in 2002 and without this site, I would have never made it thru the bad days. Years ago when hubby bought this puter, I said not for me, I knew nothing about them, wasn't interested in learning....well, my goodness that changed!! Can't be without it now!

I'm trying to get over the fear of being on here when he's around. It's hard to do, I've been conditioned since childhood to be taking care of things, always about others never myself. Somedays I'm getting better at this "caring about myself thing" seems very new to me, but I'm trying.

Hope to see you posting often Jazz. Thank's for the great advice, your so right, we don't live like June Cleaver anymore. I always wondered how she could stand to wear those starchy dresses and pearls around the house

(((((((Hugs)))))) Fin