If somebody out there has any suggestions on how to handle this I would appreciate it.

The Situation: My father is 67 and has advanced Rheumatoid Arthritis. He's for all intents disabled, although he lives alone and can still function on his own. There are some problems, such as the possibility of falls, (he'd never get up on his own), him becoming wheelchair-bound, etc. Right now, my grandmother (90 but still in really good shape, better than him), checks on him every day. She lives only about 8 blocks away, so it's not a big deal. I live 2-1/2 hours away, so I keep in touch by phone and visit when I can. My parents have been divorced since '72, so it's not my mom's job to watch out for him. But, for the most part he's OK.

Now for the problem: I know that eventually my grandparents will be gone and it will be we kids (me, my brother and my sister) responsibility to take care of him. Under normal circumstances that wouldn't be an issue. If it was my mom, I'd just take her into my home and that would be that. But it's different with Dad. He was/is verbally abusive, angry at the world, depressed and emotionally distant -- not just due to the arthritis, but a general personality trait. Mom said he's been like that forever. He doesn't think there's anything wrong so he won't seek counseling. He had no use for us as children and did nothing emotionally or financially for us. I have made my peace with him and we have an OK relationship. My siblings have an OK but uneasy relationship with him as well.

The main issue is that my siblings have made it perfectly clear that they have no intention of assisting in his care when the time comes. They both believe that since I get along with him -- I don't really, but I try -- and that I'm the oldest, I should do it. They both live a 1/2 hour away from him. My brother with his own successful business is more financially able to care for him, and my sister, who was from his second marriage, was more emotionally supported by him. Dad raised her (her mother is a alcoholic) and took care of her every need (at my brother's and my expense), although he was verbally critical and abusive to her as well.

I know how hard he is to live with. He stayed with me for 3 weeks during the aftermath of Hurricane Rita, and I thought I'd go batty. So I know I'll need help. How do I convince my siblings that he's their responsibility too? I can't threaten them. If I say "You'll never see him again if you don't help, they'll both be like 'Fine, I don't care.' And I can't financially bear the burden without help. So it could turn into a real problem. How would you handle this? Any ideas would be great. Thanks.

Your siblings are passing the buck. This will only work if you're there to catch it. Don't.

Tell them instead you have no intention of taking dad in, and the two of them should sort out a solution, ie a nursing home.

This should bring them to the table. At this point you can negotiate with them. Either everyone chips in and pay the difference over and above what your dad can afford, or, take turns minding him in your own homes, or if you do wind up with him, they should chip in towards his needs, and pay you for your time and efforts, and supply some sort of holiday relief so you can take a break. I would expect that last bit even if your father was a saint. You deserve time off too

You definitely need some good advice. I, myself, would not feel charitable towards someone who treated me so badly--father or not. That would be such an awful emotional strain, besides the financial one! Google "eldercare" and see what sites you come up with . There might be one that has an advice forum and lots of info.

I can only speak for myself, but I would do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for a man who was abusive to me. You reap what you sow. Period.

I completely understand where you're coming from on how he deserves to be treated. What did you say Des -- reap what you sow? I've heard that time and time again, and you're right. That's the way it should be. However -- and I know this is a character flaw on my part -- my problem is that I am absolutely incapable of being cruel or cold or dismissive of ANYONE, no matter how much they deserve it. I have been nice to people who screwed me over so thoroughly that they deserved a kick to the back of the head. But every time I've ever tried to do that, I feel bad to the point of getting sick to my stomach. I feel like someone has asked me to stomp a puppy. I just CAN NOT do it. But thanks for the advice on searching for other forums. For some reason, as big an Internet geek as I am, I never thought to look there. I'm sure I'll hear the same advice there as here. I guess I just need to grow a pair and stand up to my siblings.

I agree with Des. It's your life that will be affected, not pleasantries to unkind people.
Put your own family first.

I would have done everything for my parents ...but they did that for me.
Take care

It's not a character flaw at all: it means you're a forgiving and compassionate person. But that doesn't mean you should shoulder the burden alone, or allow others to walk all over you. The best thing would be an honest discussion of emotions and finances with your siblings. And I agree about the other forums, where you can get advice from people who have been through this.

I'm an only child, and supported my mother in the last few years of her life. She was a very difficult woman, and refused to move near us (also about 2 1/2 hours away), which was probably for the best, in retrospect. I had the financial wherewithal to keep her in her apartment, with (eventually) around-the-clock hospice care. After she died, I felt better for knowing that I had done what I could for her in spite of our strained relationship over the years. And it was an example to my children of how to respect and care for someone even through a troublesome relationship.

Webalina

Isn't it interesting, people's take on life. I work very hard to have what you've called a character flaw. Remember the "Peter Principle"? Peter came up with a few gems, and this one he wrote for people like me



Been there, done that, time after time.

I totally agree with that quote. I rarely if ever fight with people, partly because I'm a pretty mellow chick but also because I hold my tongue when I'm truly angry with someone. I usually try to pinpoint a motive for what that person I'm mad at did or said. Usually I've discovered there was no malice in it -- they're just clods. I dated one guy 15 years and we only had one major screaming fight -- two months before we broke up. Whatever he said or did was finally rotten enough for me to bring it out in the open right then and there. But mostly -- eh. I've seen people get totally in trouble because they misunderstood or jumped the gun at somebody. More times than not that is the case in an argument anyway. Most people aren't cruel, they're just thoughtless and tactless. I wait until I'm not angry anymore and most times, a clearer head points out that the subject isn't worth bringing up again.

Even though I said so, I actually don't consider my decency towards pr*cks a character flaw at all. In the case of my dad, no he doesn't deserve it. But I'll feel better about things after he's gone that at least I tried to have a good relationship with him. I've been informed by so many people that I'm "too nice" "too honest" "a doormat", that it's made me question myself. And that is such a shame, too. What's so wrong with being nice to people?

We all develop little strategies. I like writing letters/emails that says what I want it to say. I improve it by re-writing it. Scathinglier, pithier. Then delete it. Gets it out of my system.

Meanwhile, I hold to my original post: get your siblings to the table to negotiate, if you can. Would they see your father homeless? If not, if they'd intervene if you refused to help him, and I suspect they would, then you can negotiate. But if they think you'll pick up the cheques and do the work, they'll let you. Think of it this way: their souls are on the line too.

Have a look at the following link. It might be of some help.

Ryan

http://www.caring.com

difficult problem I think. If the other siblings refuse to help you can only attempt to get them to negotiate. I can sympathise with you. My father is awful and frankly if I saw him lying in the gutter I would kick him as I went past for what he has done to myself and one of my sisters. Forgiveness is a wonderful trait to possess but sometimes difficult to apply.
Jacks

this is a difficult situation. I have to ask though has anyone even asked your father what he wants when he gets to the point he can't reside alone? Maybe his thoughts are that he doesn't even want to live with any of his children. I have and am going through the same situation with my mother, however she is the sweetest lady you will ever meet. But initially she didn't want to live with her children, because she didn't want to burden anyone. I do agree with the other ladies and all you siblings must sit down and discuss the issues at hand and the needs of your father. It is a scary thing to take on even when you have a great relationship with your parent. But someone does need to be bold enough to step to plate and really say it like it is, and it sounds like it might be you. In my sitiation the girls took turns with Mom living with us. 3 girls 4 months at a time. It actually worked out well for awhile but it is to difficult for her to move around like that now with her arthritis. So it finally came down to deciding where her permanent home would be, This was a huge learning lessen for me. I have tried being a better person these days and not judge so critically of people. Cause no matter how much someone loves someone (like my mom and my sisters) they are just not emotionally, finacially or spiritually equipped to take on such a huge responsibility. So mom will ultimately come to my home in July for good. But through this process each of us has learned how it is life changing for a child to be the caregiver of their parent and going forward I think that my siblings will give me some help with respite care. There other oranizations out there that can help you and your siblings with your dad. Especially if he meets the criteria financially. But again someone needs to be his advocate to look for these. If not handled gently but with strength this can divide your family. Be bold enough to say to your siblings I can't do this alone I need your help. God Bless you for even caring what happens to your dad. It amazes me that families aren't made that way anymore. Good luck.

Webalina,
You are a wonderful caring person, and a great daughter to be worried about your father and thinking into the future!
My husband's family is similar to yours. His father was physically and verbally abusive to his wife and kids. He and my MIL divorced 35 years ago. When he started having health problems, my husband saved his life. He is much like you. A very caring person. (he is a registered nurse) It's a long story that I won't go in to. But, out of 6 siblings, only my husband and one brother were willing to help out in any way. The other kids have "issues" due to childhood experiences. Unlike your father, my FIL is no longer abusive, just a royal PITA! I don't blame the others for not wanting to help, but I know my husband is extremely resentful that they won't and can't help him in any way, not even financially. It is what it is. Nothing is going to change their minds.

Since your father is still verbally abusive, please do NOT consider moving him in with you, ever!!!
There are many things you can do when the time comes to keep your father safe even from your distance away. Honestly, the best advice I can give you is to visit the website below. I've mentioned it before on PS. The wonderful caring people who post there are down in the trenches with you, and will be extremely forthright in their advise. I highly recommend that you post your story to them, you will be glad that you did! (make sure that you let them know your father's physical limitations and financial status i.e. would he be able to afford home health care visits, does he own his home, or, would he qualify for Medicaid.)

Here is the link:
Aging Parents and Elder Care: http://mikegamble.websitetoolbox.com/

Best wishes to you.

i have that problem also, there are 9 of us and only
2 of us even keep in contact with mother(85)
let alone her care, you cant make some one care !! you just cant!!!
all you can do is what you can do, and live with the fact that you done all
you could do, i spent 2-3 hrs daily at moms, helping her and preparing meals,
cleaning,its just some thing god has put in my path, and get peace with the fact im doing it as gods will....
either way take care of your self first......