Dear Laidies
I am returning from a hormone hell experience, did anyone have a losing touch with reality moments. My poor husband took off days from work to be with me as he was affraid i might hurt myself. he came home from luch to be with me, my Dr told him this was all due to the excessive hormone imbalance and that it would be a few weeks before i even resembled the person i was, my question did any of you question your own sanity, and wonder if death would have been an option. please dont worry about me know i should be returning to work next week i'm not shaking anymore thanks in part to ativan, and this brain fog has all but cleared, jeannie

Jeanne, I'm glad to see you're feeling better - ativan is a great medication because it works almost instantly. And yes, your doctor is right, what you're feeling is all caused by hormonal imbalance, which brought about your feelings of anxiety.

I don't know how old you are Jeanne, but it doesn't matter. What does matter is what else you might experience as you go through menopause. It's a truly confusing, terrifying time, when everything 'normal' suddenly becomes abnormal. We often times feel as if we're seeing the world while living in a glass box. We're uncertain, unsure...we don't know what emotions to trust...we lose our self confidence. In otherwords, we feel as if we've lost ourselves and I guess, in a certain sense we have. Jeanne, none of us who come here, was prepared for what happened to us. As I'm sure you'll read, there are many who feel shut off from their families and friends.

For myself, the hardest thing I had to cope with, was the feeling of betrayal I felt against myself. I somehow felt, the one person I could always count on was me...and when I needed 'her' most, she had abandoned me. That was hard to deal with...still is, actually.

However, with this new and difficult time you're having, it's important to learn about what else might happen because knowing in advance not only decreases the fear, but affords you peace of mind because, quite simply, fear, becomes your greatest enemy...

So, here is something I posted over on another thread. Look it over - print it out, whatever you wish to do...just keep it handy. These are all physical symptoms you might have brought on by anxiety caused by the fluxing hormones...

The main categories of physical anxiety symptoms are as follows:

(flight and flight responses)

HEART SYMPTOMS
racing or rapid heart beat
heart palpitations
'missed' heart beats
pounding heart

BREATHING SYMPTOMS

breathing difficulties (can be a result of swallowing air, chest pain through tension or hyperventilation)
choking sensation
hyperventilation
feel as if can't take another breath (can be a result of swallowing air, chest pain through tension or hyperventilation)
tightening of the throat

PAIN SYMPTOMS

chest pain
headaches
neck aches
lower back pain
sciatica
muscle pain
aching jaw
clenching fists
chronic temporary pain

STOMACH / ABDOMINAL SYMPTOMS

nausea
loss of appetite
churning stomach
burning stomach
indigestion
abdominal pain
digestive problems

ASSOCIATED ANXIETY SYMPTOMS

hot and cold flashes
flushing face
shaking/ trembling
excessive perspiration
sweating hands
dizziness
giddiness
feeling lightheaded or faint
pins and needles
diarrhoea
loss of bladder control
grinding teeth
sleeping difficulties (can be a result of overactive thinking, worry, nocturnal panic attacks or taking sleeping medication (wake after a few hours and then can't get back to sleep)
night sweats
lack of concentration
extreme exhaustion
loss of feelings
localised pressure
loss of libido
appetite swings
numbness of hands or feet
unexplainable rashes

DISSOCIATIVE SYMPTOMS

such as feeling -

detached from the body
feeling as if you and/or surroundings are not real
as if looking through a white or grey mist
sensitivity to light and sound
tunnel vision
stationary objects appearing to move
sensations of falling into a void
temporary paralysis

MAJOR FEARS

Having a heart attack and/or
Going to die
Brain tumour
Going insane
Lose control in some way

EMOTIONAL SYMPTOMS

episodes of anger and "rage" and frustration
deep sadness
depression and major depression
increased feelings of worry
increased feelings of guilt
feelings of emptiness
feelings of loneliness
feeling detached from "normal" emotional state

And by the way Jeanne...if your doctor didn't take the time to explain estrogen dominance to you (which is what's causing you to feel the way you do), I'd be happy to tell you about...

Either way, here's a HUGE HUG - it will be ok peri-sis, we're here for you...

Tay

Jeannie, I got to thinking this post might get lost at the bottom of the pile, so I'll just explain what estrogen dominance is, so you'll have the info...

Ok...as you probably already know, we have 2 major hormones, estrogen and progesterone. Est is the one that causes all the odd things we feel before our periods. The irritability, the mood swings etc. Then we get our period, and a few days later...we wake up one morning and feel like our oldselves again. What happened? Our progesterone kicked in - which is the calming hormone.

Ok, in menopause, a strange thing happens. Our estrogen only drops to a certain level for our periods to stop. (between a 40 and 60% drop). However, our progest completely disappears...and I mean completely. Now imagine this...our bodies feel and know we still have estrogen, so it sends out signals telling our ovaries it's time to have a period. Well, sometimes we do, sometimes we don't...but this is where the difficulties start. By now, our progest is all but gone, so simply put, the estrogen switched on all of our nerve endings and there's no progest to switch it off...needless to say, what happens is our nerve endings remain in high alert and we feel awful. It's what is commonly called "Estrogen Dominance"...

What helps? If you don't want to rely on Ativan all the time, here are some additional things to try...

Progesterone cream - you can buy it in most health food stores, as well as wal-mart (vitamin aisle). I use it twice a day (morning and right before bed). You can also try magnesium I take 500 mg a day (but work up to that), and I also take Vitamin B6. Both of the above are considered calming agents... Of course, because one is a vitamin and the other a mineral, those do take time to become effective. You'll probably only notice a difference after a month or so, but the progest cream works quicker...I started using mine on Jan 1st and am already sleeping better.

HUGS
Tay

Hi Jeannie,

I know exactly how you felt.

Did you get hormones or only the Ativan?

I was sent on wild goose chases by docs who knew nothing about meno. And I sure didn't know that's what was causing this. How would I know??

Finally I found information here at this site and figured out what I had. Got estrogen from gyno (no uterus, so no Progesterone). I'm feeling better.

I read about estrogen dominance, too. I don't know how gynos figure which you have -- estrogen drop-off or dominance.

Yes, Jeannie, I understand those feelings all too well--been there, done that! It certainly is no fun--its like you have to totally rebuild your self image, but better days are ahead for you, I assure you!

Me, too, Jeannie, and it was the most frightening experience I've ever been through.

My husband was in the process of closing down a business, and did everything he could from home to care for me during that time, as I couldn't raise myself out of bed (2 months in bed, and then slowly spending more time each day out of bed for the next 2 months or so).

In retrospect, I was borderline psychotic - everything looked bizarre, and I could not stand noise of ANY kind - if people talked in their normal voice at me, I would have to turn away. If anyone has never experienced what it is to begin to lose touch with reality, it is TERRIFYING. All my life I'd believed I was a very strong person, who would cope with any of life's challenges - but when one's very "self" takes a shift, it's the most daunting thing in the world. One is utterly at the mercy of other people.

I never felt the urge to end my life, although I would lie there day after day, wishing for God to strike me dead.

Yes, dear Jeannie, I know this hell.

JJ

I started reading the obits looking for people of my age who died and I'd think, "lucky them."

I've told my DH far too many times that I'd rather be dead than going through this. That cancer would be better -- at least people would understand then.

The misery and loneliness are overwhelming.

And that's the sad thing--there are so many others, as we see here, that feel the same misery and loneliness, only we are all too ashamed to talk about it, so there we all are, having some of the very same feelings and suffering in silence! That's the beauty of these boards--we feel so alone and isolated when we feel this way, and yet look how many more are going through the exact same thing!

Yeah, we're ashamed b/c meno to everybody means hot flashes and crankiness.

Besides, it's really hard to talk sense to anyone when we're feeling so "senseless" with this garbage.

dear tay
no one has explained anything to me, had i not found this site, i would still be in the dark about so many things, my Dr is competant but maybe i just dont have the insite to ask certain questions, thank you for all your help I'm going to try the estrogen cream. ((( hugs ))) jeannie


hi nevermore
my new dr started me on .5mg of estrogen and 100mg of progestrone,i'm still having the internal shaking i'm told caused by estrogen trying to meet equalibrum, the Dr ordered ativan to stop the extreme anxiety left over from a 3-month bout with trying to get my hormones in balance, you see my first Dr ordered high doses of birth control pills saying i needed hormones now she should have taken me off that and started me on low doses,she didnt and i went through 3-months of hell, until i got a new gyno and a second opinion and reevaluation, new Dr is a hell cat. so thank you , jeannie

Jeannie, I'm glad you found a good doctor you're comfortable with, and I'm sure before too long, you'll be feeling much better. Unfortunately, your experience with the first GYNO is quite common. Most doctors still rely on what they learned in medical school, which is all but useless anymore...

I mean, let's face it. For over...what 20 - 30 yrs , women were prescribed HRT. They went silently through menopause because the 'symptoms' were alleviated. Now with all the new research, women are hesitant to use them, so here we are suffering all this crapola and we have a medical field who still practices in the dark ages.

Granted, I'm all for going through menopause as naturally as possible, HOWEVER - there's no reason why we should have to contend with all the signs, and a less than informed group of doctors. Frankly, I've completely had it with my physician up here - give him something he see's all the time and he's great. Give him something as baffling as menopause and he just sputters.

Anyway...for myself, well let's just say ending up with a cracked jaw was the 'last straw' for me. If my doctor can't 'get it together' up here, then fine...I'll see my doctor down in Mexico. As my hubby says..."it's ok" to go easy on yourself and taking a medication isn't going to make you weak. (good point) So, that's what I'm going to do - run, not walk to "Richardo" and have him help me work out something that's right for me. At the moment, I'm researching all my options, and do believe Xanax will probably help me the most.

As I've said before, I do believe this will be 'my year'...so what's wrong with 'coasting' across the goal line - right??

Hey Everybody:
My heart sure goes out to all of y'all when I hear stories like JJ's and Jeannie's. JJ, like you, I think I was borderline psychotic and from the research that I've done, estrogen loss can certainly cause this to happen. I didn't take to my bed, largely because I had too much inner restlessness/agitation/anxiety to do so. So, I kept going and prayed and did yoga and just tried to live life around it. Unfortunately for me, benzodiazpenes did NOT help and seemed to make matters worse. Also, I'd taken a course of nat'l progesterone that WORSENED matters, didn't help; from the reading I've done, some women can have what is called a paradoxical response to progesterone. AD's worsened the agitation so I had to get through this with NOTHING. I felt like I had lost myself, too; still do some days. Am still experimenting with nutrients, hormones, etc.
We're all so different. I mean how is it that peanuts can be fine for some and send others to the hospital?
I can so relate to the "loss of self" feelings, feelings of betrayal; I think I can truly say that there is nothing I'm afraid of, except that..that scares me.
I'm in a marriage now that I need to leave, but until I'm strong enough I can't..I'm worried that if I do it too soon, I'll lose whatever little bit of myself I've gained back again.
I know that hormones help for some. Anxiety can be caused by a loss of estrogen, loss of progesterone, exacerbation of stress hormones (cortisol, DHEAs), and elevated testosterone. For 99% of women, progesterone will be calming.
Like everybody here, I'm thankful for this board. My aunt told me a funny story about my grandmother (I loved her more than anything in this world, a wonderful person a real steady Eddy) calling the local "preacher" to take her to the doctor during "the change". She got through it and became the person she was and I know I can and will, too.
My gosh, though..again and again I think..when/if I get to heaven, I'm going to ask God what in the hell (or heaven, he was thinking!!!
Peace and love to all,
Avi

Avi, sorry about your marriage being in trouble. that's the last thing you need.

I pray a lot, too, and do yoga and try to help myself. But, it's really hard, especially with my kitty being sick.

You and I could be writing the same post about meds. They were awful to me, too. ADs for 6 weeks did nothing but waste my time. I can't believe how open-minded I was to even take them! Benzos I thought initially were good, but then I realized the good only lasted a little while and then I had a withdrawal thing. Then I got Buspar, which gave me chest pains.

At the time I was taking those I didn't know my problem was peri. So, I didn't even know to go to a gyno.

It's good you have an inspiring story about your grandma. My maternal grandmother and her daughters (2) never went through this stuff beyond hot flashes and night sweats. I was told that my paternal aunts didn't seem to, either. But they were in another country far away so it's hard to be absolutely sure.

What scares me, too, is that loss of self. As hard as I try to get DH to understand what this is and why it's so frightening, he just can't get it. No one can unless she, or he, had been through something similar.

Hey Nev!
I've been looking for you on the boards. Because your story has been so similar to mine, I'm often curious as to your status on HRT (bioidentical, right?). So sorry about your kitty.

Thanks for the sentiment on my marriage. As you've probably seen from other board posts of mine; this scared my husband and he checked out..distracted himself with communicating with an old flame. I have no patience for it..

The depersonalization/loss of self that I've gone through has NOT gotten any worse and has gotten better. I've chronicled and there is definitely a cyclical pattern to it. Before "ovulation" (body is trying to and can't) I often get a 2-week break from it. Then hit hard with it for a few days and then it clears up for the most part.
I also think there is an adrenal component to it; but I haven't quite figured out what that is. I know that when I took an adrenal extract, it helped tremendously; and in experimenting with progesterone (which in my case raises cortisol and then DHEAs), I've seen it fade COMPLETELY (course then I'm getting more anxiety and feeling a little too "up").

As far as anxiety, I know it's miserable, but reading Jon Kabat-Zinn's "Full Catastrophe Living" and a meditation class gave me insight into that it was "just a feeling"; I didn't have to let my thoughts spin me into a vortex with it. And, as I've come to understand that it is my body going through this and NOT some psychological or characterological shortfall in myself, I've come to almost be able to ignore it..ALMOST. And, paradoxically, I think that helps with the physical part of it, because you eventually settle back down.

Suffice it to say, that I (sounds like JJ and KellyJ as well) understand the feeling. If you get understanding nowhere else, you will get it here.

One thing that you might try is charting it. Be "aware" of when it comes, what makes it worse, what makes it better..etc. Also, if you can get your hormonal status "checked" (Try ZRT; I think URL is labtestsonline or something) and you have some adrenal "deficiency", try addressing it and see what that gets you.

I'll keep reporting on what helps me; I've got a lot of theories about it and I keep trying them out; and PLEASE let me know what you figure out.

I've read a lot about this and it's usually temporary. There are studies about it, books about it and a whole lot of hum-drum about it being a psychological dilemma which I'm sure it is in some cases. HOWEVER, psychological doesn't occur like clockwork and mine is pretty close..

I saw your post on thyroid too. I've been through the mill with it and will help in any way I can.
Peace!
Avi

Hi Avi, I'm using ERT, soy-based, Climara patches for the moment. It's working fine. I KNOW it's not psychological! I also know psychiatrist haven't a clue about this.

I can't chart right now. My emotions go with my kitty. I'd probably feel swell if it was just me, my perfect life and my ERT. But my life ain't perfect since kitty got sick.

I'll surely keep reporting on what helps me. That's why I try to remember to always add that I'm using ERT, because that makes a big difference. Conversely, that's why I ask others if they are using hormones, as well.

Valerian, passion flower, Yogi Sleep Time tea all help.

I cry for my cat. I think otherwise I would not be crying. So, that's "positive".

Nev

I finally made it on. Took me a while....I am sitting here totally amazed of all these things being said and knowing exactly how all of you feel. I also know I better start back at the beginning of this program and learn how to communicate with all of you because this is exactly what I needed. I am so lonely, depressed, I am doing things and thinking things I never thought I would ever be doing. I know I am not crazy, I've been through that phase.

Jeannie

My hormones have caused me to endure days of hot flushing- like a prolonged, 150 hour hot flash.

This prevents me from sleeping much, 4 hours if I'm lucky.

My doctor - i don't know - sometimes I think he just doesn't believe me, so I told him I was ready to see a specialist. I wish I'd done that in April - would have spared me much suffering.

Now JJ has told you what she endured; that was my experience too, only it occured from Effexor which was prescribed to reduce the flushing, which it did, and reduced the little sleep I was getting to 2-3 hours a night. I felt my mind shattering.

It was hell

If anything to the good arose from this, it was to make me more open minded to women who do insane things - infanticide etc, or of people with multiple personalities.


Avi:

re: I think..when/if I get to heaven, I'm going to ask God what in the hell (or heaven, he was thinking!!!

If you get there before me, tell him this is no way to treat a lady. Especially aging ones. Do unto others? Boy if we did unto others like this, we'd be standing in the corner for a long time.


Nevermore

Thinking of you and Puddytat tonight. This must be agony.

Thanks for your thoughts, Duch. I am devoured by the agony.

BTW, I my initial thought to what you said about asking God why he'd do this to aging ladies is that THIS is what ages us! Aging was the farthest thing from my mind even a day before this happened.

Have you gone to see a specialist? While I got my hormones from a specialist, it wasn't anything a regular doc couldn't have prescribed. Heck, I knew ahead of time what I needed.

What the specialist did have was the fact that she'd seen other women like me. And in her office I saw 2 other women like me -- they looked like they were 37 and coming for pre-natal and not meno. She took a lot of time taking my history. And I discovered I had some bone loss. See, I'd had a bone density scan, but my insurance gyno didn't tell me I had bone loss.

So, what I gained was an Rx for hormones, soy-based, not Permarin (which is the only thing insurance-gynos know); a slight understanding that I was not a freak and that I was not alone; advice for my bones.

(Even this specialist didn't know for "adrenal surges".)

I still wanted to run away from the doc's office, run away from everything.

But that's not possible, is it.

Hey Nev:
I'm not familiar with Climara (soy based patch? estradiol or all 3 estrogens?). So sorry to hear your kitty is still sick. If you were in NC, there is an EXCELLENT vet I could recommend. We get so attached to our little ones..I know if anything happened to my little Aslan (my long haired chihuahua puppy, I think an angel in disguise), that would just about finish me off.
You know, I've come to think crying is a good thing..not necessarily an indicator of "depression" at all..shows me that the depersonalization/distancing from my feelings is improving. In "Molecules of Emotion" and as an interviewee on "Healing and the Mind", Candace Pert discusses that the healthy expression of emotion is central to neuroendocrine health. It's when we can't express that we start to get in trouble, blocked energies, altered peptide/endocrine function, etc. But in the end, we can only decide for ourselves.
Please keep me posted on your kitty. I sure hope she/he is better soon.
Peace,
Avi




Duch:
Believe me, I will ask..I'm asking right now every day.
Avi

[quote name='Aviano' date='Jan 26 2007, 10:25 AM' post='154292']
Hey Nev:
I'm not familiar with Climara (soy based patch? estradiol or all 3 estrogens?). So sorry to hear your kitty is still sick. If you were in NC, there is an EXCELLENT vet I could recommend. We get so attached to our little ones..I know if anything happened to my little Aslan (my long haired chihuahua puppy, I think an angel in disguise), that would just about finish me off.
You know, I've come to think crying is a good thing..not necessarily an indicator of "depression" at all..shows me that the depersonalization/distancing from my feelings is improving. In "Molecules of Emotion" and as an interviewee on "Healing and the Mind", Candace Pert discusses that the healthy expression of emotion is central to neuroendocrine health. It's when we can't express that we start to get in trouble, blocked energies, altered peptide/endocrine function, etc. But in the end, we can only decide for ourselves.
Please keep me posted on your kitty. I sure hope she/he is better soon.
Peace,
Avi

Avi, it's estadiol Beta 17.

I think my kitty is beyond vets now. He's had literally ALL the tests. All.

Hey, I'm glad crying is a good thing. I do feel better once it's all out. I'm sure bottling everything up was a part of my problems. The bottling leads to stress as much as anything. (And then we have a life time of bouncing hormones to thank, too. some of us have them much more than others and we get put-upon by people for this. Yet it's not our faults. )

HI everyone, i went thru the same nightmare as far as in the beginning it hit me in the middle of the night , panic attack, and ever since that moment i have never been the same. i was alone with 2 young bous, 2 and 5, and i couldnt function at all. i had to have my oldest daughters who were grown , take my boys for days at a time cuz i couldnt take care of them. my husband was in the navy and away for 3 months at a time. anyway, i was petrified , thought i was going insane and was afraid of hurting them. i was so wore down from the stress that i couldnt express any emotions at all, couldnt eat (lost 30lbs in a month) couldnt sleep at all. i called a mental inst. and begged them to come and get me at one point. they wanted me to come in but i couldnt drive and they were about 100 miles away. its been over 4 years now and i still feel like i lost myself and cant get it back. i was saved when my husband finally cane home and he took me to the hospital(cuz he saw me dry-heaving all day long) and demanded someone help me. so the head of the dept. took me in and spent 4 hrs. with me and took all the tests and decided to put me AD's. i couldnt tolerate them at all , ended up in the ER with a worse panic attack after 3 days. i found a naturalpath who gave me a Rx for natural progesterone cream , 10%, and within a month i was feeling so much better anxiety-wise and panic attacks went away. anyway, i have stretches where i feel pretty good but never back to my old self, and then i get hit with days full of anxiety and a panic attack here and there. theres alot more to this story but it would take too much time. my reason for writing is this... i always have this fear in the back of my mind that my mind is so fragile that i could snap and lose it any day. i function pretty good even on my bad days , but that fear is alway there. i always wonder if i could turn out to be like those crazy ladies that (dare i admit this?) kill their kids. that freaks me out just to say that out loud. now i am going to be 45 in feb. and i have 7 kids and 5 grandkids and my family has always been my whole life so it seems ridiculous that i would even THINK those thoughts! I also have thoughts of going to stay in a in-patient place somewhere where i can go to group meetings everyday and not have any responsibilities to deal with so the stress of having to take care of everyone when i just dont feel like i can, will go away. but then i think of being away from my boys and missing them and worse , them missing me and being worried and afraid , and i just couldnt bear it. dont get me wrong , i dont have these thoughts over and over every day , just once is enough to scare the crap of of anyone, but on a bad day when im really suffering with anxiety , alot of weird and scary thoughts can run thru my mind. you know, all the " what if's". does my story sound familiar to anyone else out there? am i especially messed up ?

I was just re-reading my post and wanted to add that when i fisrt started going thru this and i had to have my daughters help me with my boys , it wasnt just because i thought i might hurt them. it was also because i couldnt get up to feed them or dress them or give them the attention they needed and deserved. The guilt of that was killing me. I was like alot of you out there, a very strong woman who could deal with anything life thew at me. After all , i was a mother at 15 and i grew up fast and was proud of who i was and what i could do.
Also wanted to add that my husband hand-fed me for a week when he came home and took a month off work to take over everything at home and nurse me back to health. he got me out of bed and took me outside for a few mins at a time and i started walking on my treadmill for 2 mins. at a time at first and i got up to 30 mins eventually. he brought the boys in my bedroom to give me hugs when i needed them and he explained things to them as best he could so they wouldnt be so confused and scared. this going back in time is really emotional and is making me cry. i guess i still feel very guilty about not being the perfect mom to them then.

Hey Sudio:
Yep, your story sounds familiar. I went through very similar experiences; thinking I was needing to be institutionalized, having to take off work. I didn't have kids and unfortunately my husband was not as supportive as yours and I still have some scary days, but I've noticed that I seem to be coming a little bit back to myself every day. I don't know why this happens, but something that helped me was to read "Menopause and Madness" by Marcia Lawrence. Ms. Lawrence had a full psychotic break due to (in her and her doctor's opinion) estrogen/hormonal withdrawal. I don't think I had a break..I knew what reality was and I kept going (just barely some days), but derealization and depersonalization were part of the picture. I had a breakdown, there is no pretty way to put it. I learned later that my grandmother did too during peri and then a hysterectomy (funny story about her sending for "the preacher" to take her to the doctor during the worst of it), but she came out of it OKAY and was the dearest person in the world to me and my best role model.
I don't know why this happens to us as we go through this. I was 44, getting ready to turn 45, so relatively young for late stages of peri. It was (and sometimes still is) frightening. But if the worst happens and you do have to go to a hospital..just know that there a lot of people that have and have led good lives afterwards (Patch Adams for one, I could probably think of some others if pressed). I think that the important thing is for the boys to understand as best they can what is going on (children know if you're hiding things, anyway) and for them to know that it's not their fault and most importantly they are LOVED.
Important for your hormones to be checked and balanced as much as possible.
Estrogen is important for some women at this time as well as progesterone. And be easy on yourself, this is HARD.
Peace and love,
Avi

dearest sudio
I am the one who started this blog/ my name is jeannie I'm 47-yrs old and just starting this hormone hell, I am a registered nurse, and dont let the title fool you, perimeno hit me like a mack truck, I didnt know what was happening to me,they overdosed me on hormones the first go round so detox was a living hell that left me with incredible anxiety and internal shaking, they " keep telling me I will make it through this phase, the Dr started me on ativan for anxiety, so in short 6-months ago i was %100 and today I'm on prozac, estrogen.prometrium and ativan, My husband was going to admit me to a wellness center a nice word for psych unit, He has been my saving grace, I dont know where i would be without him, he was the one who told me not to work anymore until I can pull it together, he came home from work on his lunches to make sure I was ok, he spent all his time just holding me and being there, I have come out of the psychotic phase of estrogen withdrawal, but am left with horriable anxiety, please be aware you are not alone. i had crazed thoughts that would curddle your blood only they involved my grandkids, i had my husband remove all pills from the house so wouldnt hurt myself, so in all the insanity I guess I was aware of my crazziness, One of my coworkers put it very well, she said a part of me died with menopause, she said she was never the same. not a shell just never the same, stay strong for yourself, and write me if you need a friend, jeannie

After reading these posts, I can see how very much alike we all are & isn't it incredible? Like for many of you, I'm sure, last month was a real tough one. Yes, I did everything I was required to do to have a traditional christmas, except one thing was missing...me. There was no joy for me during the holidays...just a blur of lists and notes to make certain everything got done. My husband would come home and ask how my day had been. I'd shrug and try to remember. We'd sit in the livingroom, he on the couch, me in the love seat...yet - altho we were no more than 6 feet apart, he seemsed so far away. Do you know what I mean girls? I know it was truly hard for him to understand what I felt like. A stranger in my own skin... Yes, like many of the rest of you, my husband simply cannot relate. Yes, he tries to be supportive, but when he asks me to explain how I feel, he just doesn't get it. Tells me he doesn't understand how I could feel like I've lost myself. This detachment, is truly hard to deal with in itself. But, added all the rest of the responsiblities and it only made it worse. Up until 2006, I truly enjoyed Christmas. Every room was decorated, gifts were wrapped with beautiful bows, and personally picked out with each person in mind. I'd bake lots and lots of cookies and take them around to all the elderly folks in the neighborhood...bing crosby would fill the air and for a month I lived in a house that resembled the north pole. I'd have friends call up and want to 'borrow' the place for evening gatherings...garden clubs, church ladies. I'd gladly hand over the keys and head out to enjoy the holiday spirit, never feeling as if I was 'being put upon' - until just this last christmas...(sigh)

Truthfully, had I had my way, I simply would have let it passed without a notice. What used to be a joy, became nothing more than an uphill battle to get it done. No one could understand why, 2 weeks before christmas, the trees weren't up...the cards hadn't been sent out...most gifts hadn't been bought? (they all looked at me like I was nuts). And yes, I heard all the things you all hear. The..."you know, if you'd put all the stuff up, you'd feel alot better"... really...would I? No, I wouldn't and I knew it. And that made me feel even worse. Yes, I wanted to be ME - I wanted that more than anything, but the harder I tried to accomplish it, the harder it became. I'd look around and everything seemed like it was in a house belonging to someone else. The nights were better because it was darker so nothing seemed so distant. I rarely turned on the lights in the house, I was content to just light the tree instead.

Now, here we are at the end of January, and that sense of 'detachment' is leaving. Yes, it's still there, but not as badly. I'm feeling more grounded...less unfamiliar with myself. Don't get me wrong, I still have a long ways to go - but I do believe I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully, as the months pass, things will get back on a more even keel... But, there's still many days when I feel light headed, which, for me, seemed to go hand in hand with the derealization or depersonalization thing. But, anyway, that's why I've decided to try Xanax. I can almost feel my body's exhaustion. It's been overwhelmed by this bombardment of hormonal warfare, and it needs a breaks. A down time where it can rest, recoup and grow strong again. No, I don't plan on taking the med for an extended period of time...just long enough to allow me to feel more like me.

I would give anything...and I do mean anything, to wake up in the morning and feel calm. No vibrating...no trembling hands...just a sense of serenity...of slowly waking up and feeling peace within me. I know all of that will come back in time...but when? I haven't felt peace in over a year - and I crave it like a junkie craves a narcotic fix. Like I said before in previous posts...I'm now envious of most every woman I see. There they all are, full of energy, vitality...ready to meet daily challenges head on, while I'm struggling to pull a resemblance of myself together. Yes, I still respond normally, answer things correctly...laugh when I'm required to...but nothing is spontanious...it's all a facade.

And I bet every one of you, can relate to this...can't you?

Tay, you described my feelings perfectly! I have felt like a stranger in my own body. My husband has noticed the difference, the detachment. Of course, in December I was recovering from a bout with the flu and bronchitis and recovering from my sisters death and my husband's brother being in the hospital. By the end of December, I felt like I was at a breakdown level. I couldnt feel comfortable in my own skin. But now, a month later, I am doing better, but I'm still like you--wake up with the shakes and internal trembles, sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with a full blown anxiety attack--these two symptoms are new to me--had not had them before the last month. So we'll try our best to hang in there!

Yes Tay and Lynch, I can definitely relate. Most definitely to the shakes/trembles (mine are almost all gone..so it does get better) and to ENVYING people who just seem normal. I used to think (and often still do) that feeling "normal" was/is the best thing in the world. Nevermore has started estrogen and believes that this has helped her with the feelings of detachment. You might ask her to weigh in. I've stubbornly gone about (as best I could) doing my normal activity (I wasn't really up to Christmas last year, but did a lot better this year). After reading about DP/DR, it's almost like those memory pathways get bombarded..so it's important to do the stuff to build new neural pathways, if you can manage it..that's been sort of my theory. Exercise and reconnecting with your body is important too. BZDP's didn't work well for me and seemed to make my sense of disconnection and being "out of it" even worse. But they do work for some..everybody's different and everybody has to make their own decision.
I am SO glad to hear I'm not the only one that's felt this way. Like I said, I think it is getting better; first you have one day that's "normal" and then you have 2-3 that month and then more; you get the picture. I've charted the DP/DR and it definitely correlates with my "cycle" (even though I only had 1 pd in 15 mos). So there's definitely a component. The DP/DR and "blank-mindedness" are separate from the anxiety/shaking.
Hang in there girls and do whatever you need to do to feel better. Like I said before, this is HARD.

Yes Tay and Lynch, I can definitely relate. Most definitely to the shakes/trembles (mine are almost all gone..so it does get better) and to ENVYING people who just seem normal. I used to think (and often still do) that feeling "normal" was/is the best thing in the world. Nevermore has started estrogen and believes that this has helped her with the feelings of detachment. You might ask her to weigh in. I've stubbornly gone about (as best I could) doing my normal activity (I wasn't really up to Christmas last year, but did a lot better this year). After reading about DP/DR, it's almost like those memory pathways get bombarded..so it's important to do the stuff to build new neural pathways, if you can manage it..that's been sort of my theory. Exercise and reconnecting with your body is important too. BZDP's didn't work well for me and seemed to make my sense of disconnection and being "out of it" even worse. But they do work for some..everybody's different and everybody has to make their own decision.
I am SO glad to hear I'm not the only one that's felt this way. Like I said, I think it is getting better; first you have one day that's "normal" and then you have 2-3 that month and then more; you get the picture. I've charted the DP/DR and it definitely correlates with my "cycle" (even though I only had 1 pd in 15 mos). So there's definitely a component. The DP/DR and "blank-mindedness" are separate from the anxiety/shaking.
Hang in there girls and do whatever you need to do to feel better. Like I said before, this is HARD.

Ya know what I love about this site is every time I'm going thru something...no matter what it is and my dr can't explain it..or should I say find a medical reason for it...I can always finnnd someone here doing the same thing...and it always helps...I love this site and each of ya'll so much!...I tell ya some days I don't know what I'd do without ya!

[font="Comic Sans MS"][/font][color="#FF00FF"][/color]I am 37 years old and started at age 35 with missing periods, hot flashes,insomnia, SEVERE anxiety. At the time I went from doctor to doctor trying to tell them my hormones were messed up and that maybe I was staring menopause. I was just diagnosed as POF. It has taken me two years to get an answer. Not having a diagnoses until now made me think I was going insane. I had to go on Paxil CR a year ago for the horrible anxiety that I was feeling. I had myself convinced that I was schizophrenic, Bipolar, psychotic or maybe I had a brain tumor?
Jeannie,I too needed my mom or husband to be with me at all times,afraid to be alone,racing thoughts,visual disturbances, fear of losing control of my actions, just plain torture. And all the while I was aware of everything that was going on. I have three children under the age of 10 at the time and the only thing that held me together was that I thought at any minute they would take my kids away if I completely lost it. i wish I had found this site about a year or two ago. It is so comforting to know we are not alone. I know in my heart that this was all hormone related. good luck to u all. keep in touch!

Well, here I am back on the monopause freeway. I thought I had been through the worst-but surprise, surprise What I find so frustrating about "the change" is the fact that it is precisely that- a change. An unpredictable, life altering day to day change.

I am 46 years old and naturally post-menopausal. I found out on my 45th birthday. It was sobering to say the least. I felt so ripped off. Here I thought I had at least another ten years before I had to accept this new reality. But that is just not how it turned out for me. I didn't realize I was peri in my thirties. It was just such a busy time for me having kids. I now realize that it was such a blessing that I had my two girls during that hormonal rollercoaster. I simply attributed my anxiety, and periods of depression to post-partum. When my periods became heavier and less frequent-I just chalked it up to stress, but when they ceased completely and I stopped sleeping. I knew something wasn't right. I found out I was post-menopausal at 45 and just couldn't believe it. In a strange sense-I was relieved. I mean, at least I wasn't crazy-right? I have always suffered from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so the anxiety thing was so much more intense for me. As I look back in hindsight-I don't know how I made it unscathed. I had such a rough time. I was always such a vibrant, independant spirit. I was an actress in Hollywood. a writer in the music industry and a world traveler. Suddenly, I was afraid to drive two hours away.(I am getting emotional just talking about it.)I became terrified of EVERYTHING. I had always driven my kids to school because I felt that they were safer with me. I had to let them take the bus during the worst of my anxiety-and I literally couldn'te breathe until they climbed off of the school bus. it was a dark, and confusing time for me when the hormones bottomed out. I researched menopause to death and tried every natural course I could to alleviate the symptoms I suffered.

I began taking bio-identical hormones(tri-est/progesterone). They did help me. I exercised regularly. I cut out ALL caffeine(that is a biggie) I learned to eat small meals frequently throughout the day. I took omega 3/6 and minerals and b vitamins. These things really did help me a bunch. I did everything I could to support myself. I can report that things got better. My attitude was a huge part of it. I tried to reclaim a sense of the woman I was before I felt alienated from myself. I genuinely attempted to love myself in these confusing and often hopeless times. I can say the anxiety and rollercoaster mood swings did get better. I traded all the mental anquish for a few hot flashes. I was okay with that. I learned to accept the 4:00 am wake up call. I even was able to joke about these hot flashes when they beseized me in the most public places. Life was getting back to some normalcy... Then BOOM! Out of no where the insanity returned, Interestingly the hot flashes disappeared-but the anxiey gripped my life again.

One day about a month ago-I was walking across the overpass to collect my daughter from second grade- and I just froze. I was terrified. I wanted to sit down on the ground and die. I was having an oh, so familiar anxiety attack-but this time it was different. It was darker, and morbid. It was like someone turned off the light, and I was shrouded in darkness. I was suffocating and there wasn't the old talking myself out of this one. I think that when we get into those hidious places-it underminds us in such a powerful way. I have read so many of your heart-felt entries, and I have no doubt that the women you claim you were-you indeed were. We just have to hold on to those women in our minds and never forget that she is and will forever remain there. I know I question her. I question all the amazing things I did before this hormonal espionage began. I sit here reaching out to all of you, because for all I have been through in my life, I can't find a way to trust that I will find my way through this darkness. I know I am not crazy, yet I feel like I am a stranger(again-sigh) in this body.

Women didn't live to reach menopause a hundred years ago. Those that did were either stuck away in sanitariums or tied up and flogged in public. I think that our enviornment has thrown so many of us into early menopause. Let's face it- doctors just aren't there yet when it comes to being sauvy on dealing effectively with this transition. I went to my gyno last week when the debilitating anxiety and depression beseiged me again. She instantly prescribed Zoloft. It is a great drug I have taken it during peri when the anxiety was awful. I took it beacuse I was clueless about the "reasons" for my anxiety. I was anxious because my progesterone was bottoming out. If my doctor had told me that, I could have taken progesterone, and perhaps side-stepped the whole anti-depressant thing.

I think this process is a personal journey. It is a journey where we HAVE to reclaim ourselves. We just have too. We really don't have a choice do we? Our bodies have changed-like it or not. I know I don't. I am fighting it all the way. I don't like what it is doing to my body inside or out. Perhaps some would judge that-but it is just the way it is for me(today) I have to be where I am. I had a productive year-practically symptom-free, but things have changed again and I am left having to regroup. I cried yeterday and told my husband I feel like such a stranger to myself. Perhaps that is what I fight the most. Yes, the health stuff is concerning. No one wants to worry about their heart or bones, or even resign to an aging face, but for me-it is the loss of a friend. A person I thought I knew so well, me. I look in the mirror and struggle to recognize this fearful and anxious woman(and with my eye sight weakening-I really mean struggle). I am confused and angry when I feel I have lost control.

I write all these thoughts after reading all your brave entries. This is a place for us all to come together like survivors of a shipwreck. We are longing for others to identify with. When we are really honest with ourselves and get it outside of us- I believe that is the best thing we can do to make this transition. We are only as sick as our secrets. If we keep all this stuff bottled up for fear of being judged, then we can't find the identification we so desperately need at this point of our lives. I am grateful for whom ever has taken the time to listen to what I am sharing. You have helped me by merely being here and hopefully nodding from time to time in a sense of sisterhood. For all of you in different stages of the "change" embrace all the good days, and when the storm hits again from out of the blue-be brave, pray for strength and recall those days when you looked in the mirror and managed to smile at that familar face. she is always there.... just believe! Peace to you all friends.

Dear Jeanie
In answer to your first post yes I did question my sanity at one point. My anxiety levels were through the roof. I just kept thinking this is not me but at the time didn't know what to do or what it was. I would get anxious in situations that previously hadn't been a problem. My doctor prescribed ADs. Now I know it was perimenopause.

Williflour
I can relate to so much of what you say. I have been through the 'stormy seas' of peri and am now in a calm spot but like you I expect to see more 'stormy seas' ahead.


Big hugs to both of you
robin

I read your story too and could see the similarities...though I could never be an actress I can play a keyboard by myself but play every wrong note when anyone watches me.

I have always suffered from mild anxiety, I always get nervous (apart from my wedding day, which I sailed through). I had four bad years of it when we didn't even go away on holiday. I'd just have a panic attack. Even shopping or getting stuck in traffic would send me into a panic. I hated making plans. I had nothing at all to worry about really, but it made no difference.

The worse part was when my daughter was getting married and I couldn't go with her to choose her dress or bridesmaid dresses. My sister did it instead. I missed out on the mother of the bride thing. Just turned up, sat next to my husband at the table to feel safe, and danced a bit - all with the aid of diazepam!

I truly think it's hormonal (something to do with triggering the adrenaline glands) but since being 18 months post, it's settled down quite a bit.

I'm still getting some hot flashes, now and again and can feel the anxiety rise, around these times... but it truly gets much better Although it does seem like forever to get here!


Incidently, teaching myself to play a keyboard or do fine cross stitch helped during anxious periods as concentrating on the task helped to distract me.

By the way, read the board on what women did in the 1800's which joliejacque posted.

Found it

http://www.power-surge.com/php/forums/inde...p;hl=what+women

WOW

Alice thank you. Thats amazing and thanks to joliejacque too.

Alice you are right about putting your concentration in to something positive. It helps us get there with the anxiety.

robin

Dear Tay - I am new to this board. Thank you so much for this post. I usually feel terrible during PMS but like you explained, I feel much better about third day into period. The last few months however, I felt like I still had PMS days after my period had ended. Today I feel like my old self finally but am looking for a natural aid. I have never taken anything, not even birth control, and was so scared I'd have to go get pills of some sort from the MD. (The PMS symptoms are really altering my life - I work at home and couldn't get the will or energy to get up out of my chair and get to work - this of course would snow ball into me getting very down in the dumps about being a failure, all washed up, etc).

I am going out today to buy magnesium and progeterone cream. Have taken B6 in the past for a hormone imbalance that was causing skin problems (in my early 20's). I know it will take a while for results but just having the hope that it will alleviate my problem is enough for now.
Thanks,
Daisy

Willifour,

Thank you for post, I think we can all identify with some of the things you are going through. I am sorry for all your struggles, especially with the anxiety. I am 49 years old, married, with a 13 year old daughter and it is hard because she does compare me with the younger Moms and sometimes doesn't want to be seen with me... I know it may be just a teenage thing but truly my daughter will never know the woman I was once was before all h*ll broke loose.

I do have some good days and try to remain positive and hope that I will grow to understand and like the new person I am becoming but sometimes it is sooo hard.

Plumeria

PLum
I dont know any 13 yr old who wants to been seen with her Mom.....Unless they are in a shoping mall and she needs your credit card. She will know the women you used to be....wait til all this stuff is over ...you'll be that woman again and much much more. Wait til she gets thru the teenage yrs..your relationship will be back on track..these are the hard yrs for you and for her. My Mom was 39 when she had me...it never bothered me that she was older than the other Moms..but when I was 13 I didnt want her around either. Hang in there Plum...your a great lady and I know your daughter knows that too.

Peace
AA

Too true AA. There's an ad for a cereal on TV here where this teenagers is saying that her friend's Mum says this and that and then says that FM says that yiu should eat this cereal, which Mum is sat at the table eating.... well hope you get the jist.. it's common.

However my DD still treats me the same way and she's 28!!! She uses bribery too, like this morning
"Yes, you can come and fetch me if we can go to Tesco (supermarket)".
Sigh, "I'll have to go and get changed then".
"Well you don't have to go if you don't want"
Me, "Well I don't really, it's mad on a Friday"
"Well, I'll get the workmen to move their cars and I'll go on my own. I might speak to you later"

PG or not, I'm no longer going to feel guilty! Kids!

AA and Alice,

Thank you so much. Yes, today is another day and we are better. My husband is out of town this week and will return on Saturday and it is always harder to deal with my daughter when he is gone. I don't know how my Mom did it and all you single Moms. I know my daughter is also going through a transition of her own and I just have to find the patience to choose my battles with her. I hate all the arguments we have and it makes me sad. Her best friend's Mom is 10 years younger than me and a "cute" little thing and my daughter constantly compares me to her... she dresses better, she has a better attitude, etc.

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent... you girls are the best.

Plumeria