A useful article for dealing with anger, When You're Angry, Let It Show!

A Surprising New Nealth Tip: When You're Angry, Let It Show
By Sarah Henry

Before her divorce, Jane, a 52-year-old attorney, had a hard time dealing with an emotionally abusive husband who badgered their son and verbally attacked her. Sure, she was angry at her ex, but when researchers asked her about her experiences, she never once used the term "angry" to describe her feelings. Ditto when detailing a difficult situation at work. "Frequently I will say: 'It upsets me that I can't express this without the depth of my emotion showing,' " she says. "I try to kind of temper my reactions."

Jane's reluctance to say she's riled isn't surprising. Let's face it: Angry women have a bad rap. The bitchy boss. The mad mama. No wonder so many women opt to hide their rage. Well, scientists who spend their time figuring out why fuming women suppress this form of self-expression have news for you. It's good to get galled.

"It's more than OK to get angry," says Deborah Cox, Ph.D., a psychologist at Southwest Missouri State University in Springfield. "It's a part of being really alive."

Feeling Ashamed About Anger

Why, then, do women need to give themselves permission to get piqued? An ongoing anger study by Cox and her colleagues reveals that women are just as likely as men to become angry when they need to assert themselves, for instance, when challenging an inaccurate restaurant tab.

But, unlike men, women report feeling ashamed and apologetic when they get ticked off. In marked contrast, men feel like failures if they don't show their rage, says Cox, who presented her findings in January at the 11th International Congress on Women's Health in San Francisco. Cox is the co-author of the book "Women's Anger: Clinical and Developmental Perspectives."

Cox and her co-investigators found that women like Jane tended to view anger as a liability, preferred using less loaded words like "frustration" or "upset" to label the emotion and were more comfortable than men with suppressing anger.

"The taboos against women feeling and expressing anger are so powerful that even knowing when we are angry is not a simple matter," writes psychologist and psychotherapist Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D., in her popular self-help book, The Dance of Anger.

That's not a good thing. "When you're angry, you know your needs, rights and opinions in a way that you don't at any other time," Cox says. "When you're happy or sad, you're not necessarily as aware of your individual stake in things as you are when you're angry."

So shake off that shame, Cox advises, and try to remember that anger can help you think more clearly, act more decisively and initiate needed change. If an outburst spurs guilty feelings, Cox suggests it might be helpful to have an "anger buddy" -- a good friend you can call to give you a reality check on your reaction. "Women help each other all the time to normalize their anger," she says. "Making that relationship more overt and deliberate may help women better use this resource."

Anger and Health

Other research supports Cox's conclusions. Studies -- including one published in "Annals of Behavioral Medicine" -- have linked suppressed anger to serious medical problems such as high blood pressure, heart disease, gastrointestinal complaints and even certain cancers.

Researchers have even found a link between unexpressed anger and depression in women, says Dana Crowley Jack, Ed.D., a psychologist at Fairhaven College at Western Washington University in Bellingham, Washington.

When women do get angry, they tend to get especially livid -- the ranting, raving, seething, smoking kind of anger -- at the people they love most. Why? There's more at stake in these relationships, Jack says. But take heart: Research has shown that dealing effectively with someone who provokes anger is much more likely to strengthen rather than weaken the relationship. Indeed, experts say that constructive anger may be the only effective way to problem-solve in a partnership.

"Anger is a wonderful, helpful, restorative emotion," says Jack. "It can be used to get rid of obstacles in a relationship. It really does work for that."

Even getting angry at your kids can bring you closer together. "Expressing your anger is an opportunity for you to speak clearly and honestly and enhance your relationship with your child," Cox says. "Unless kids see their parents or role models expressing anger, they won't know how to do it themselves." Telling your kids exactly why you're angry can help you work out a solution that's acceptable to both of you. However, make sure you're directing your anger in the right place -- if you're furious with your boss, don't take it out on your son.

So go ahead, say the experts, acknowledge that anger and let other people know what you're feeling. When women are conscious of this strong sensation, says Cox, they have a better chance of using it in a constructive way. Anger is just a bodily reaction, a signal that a wrong has taken place, something needs correcting or the demands on a woman exceed her ability to handle them. "We don't have choices about when we feel it," Cox says. "But we do have choices about what we do with it."

It may help to remember that getting cross -- even furious -- can have positive consequences. "Think of some of the social change groups like Mothers Against Drunk Driving or the National Organization of Women," suggests Jack, author of two books, "Silencing the Self" and "Behind the Mask," that address women's anger. "These social movements came about because women were just outraged."

Tips on Handling Anger

Even though expressing your anger can be good for you, flying into a rage at every suspected slight isn't the answer. For instance, blowing off steam by hurling hardware at your hubby or breaking plates over the boss's head aren't great solutions. But it is possible -- even desirable -- to use anger in a positive rather than negative way.

Forget the pop notion of channeling anger into more productive pursuits. "Relationship enhancement is the most productive outlet possible for anger," Cox says -- and this can happen when you let the other person see your upset. So what concrete tips might help when you're mad as hell and not going to take it any more? Read on.

Seek out a safe place to seethe. Before confronting the object of your wrath, talk with a trusted friend, co-worker or counselor who can help get to the root of what's pressing your buttons. Mulling it over with someone safe may help you figure out less hostile, more instructive ways to express your feelings with a loved one, colleague or boss.

Approach the person who sent your blood boiling in the first place. As a general guideline, the more significant the relationship, says Jack, the more important it is to articulate feelings in a constructive way. She suggests trying something like, "This is bothering me. Something has to change. How can we deal with it?"

Identify the reason behind the rage. There's always something underlying an angry reaction. The trick here is to find the trigger. If it's not obvious, keeping a log of anger experiences may help you uncover patterns. For some people, professional help may be needed to delve through deep-rooted feelings of shame and anger that started in childhood.

Find a physical release. Though jogging and other physical activities can be helpful, Cox advocates an anger workout: hitting a mattress with a tennis racket or slapping the sofa with a bat when you really start to see red. The key, says Cox, is to talk as you thwack the furniture. Engaging large muscle groups along with your voice should help you work through some of your fury. Kickboxing or Tae-Bo may give the same results. "Some women feel less likely to lose it if they have a physical release first," explains Cox. "When a client tells me: 'If I really let it out, we'd all burst into flames,' then I might suggest an anger workout."

Take several deep breaths. If you find yourself blinded by heat-of-the-moment anger, try to buy some time to cool off a bit, especially if you think you're at risk of harming someone physically or emotionally. You may even need to walk away from the situation for a while. Remember, though, that in the long run, fleeing the scene won't help you express yourself. So ask for a few moments to collect your thoughts and then say what needs to be said.

Look for like-minded souls. All fired up about a societal injustice? Sick of suffering? Then hook up with people who share your passion or problem through a support group or organization. Consider working with an organization for change, like Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). "Joining other people who care about what you do can transform anger into a positive expression," says Jack.

And, of course. OUR support group is on Power Surge's Anger / Mood Swings / RAGE board at http://www.power-surge.com/php/forums/inde...a>

Whew, good info!

Peri seems to bring up a lot of anger issues for so many of us. Maybe too many years of suppressing!

Thanks for this,

JJ

I think whats happened to me is after 36 years of marriage and kids all my pent up anger is coming out at once. I had major wake up calls with spot on lung(ok for now) and of course meno he!!. It seem like anymore I'm "perma" mad and don't want to be NOT mad!!! I'm mad at hubby before I even walk thru the door from work. No more MS. Nice Girl. It seems my whole life anymore consists of three life styles, 1-Mad, 2-Crying and 3-Covering up the mad and crying when in public.--Shelley

Shelley



Does your doctor know?

Dearest, thanks so much for positng this info, at least, makes me feel somewhat better and not alone!
The major cause of depression and anxiety is indeed supressed anger! But if I will let my anger out, I would be unemployed, divorced, , and completely alone for the rest of my life.
People who let their anger out live longer than those who suppress it, but not everyone can get away with it.
I always tried to be content, never let my emotions spill over, and it is finally got me. I believe those who were trying to be a peacemakers in the family and at work, suffer now from worst menopausal symptoms. My mom used to screm and yell and break dishes a lot, when she was at my age, and managed to get away with everything. My dad was the one who never raised his voice and in general, avoided confrontation at acny cost. he died at 65 from heat desease despite healthy weight and diet; and my mom made it to almost 85 and had no heart problems whatsoever.
I believe ppl with of certain personality, deal with emotional stress differently. it is politically correct for a men to blow off some steam, but if a women does it, she is a crazy b***h.
And you try to get angry at your grown up kids, it will be a while when you see them next time...
I perfectly understand all the aspects of anger and emotions, but it is not enough to make it easier for me. beign a perfectionist by nature, and being raised by very demanding and hard headed mother, made me feel guilty about everything and anything, responsible for everyone in the family, so now is catching up with me big time!
For once, I have tried to express my anger, and my DD said: you are turning into grandma... enough said. Well, she has no problems expressing herself but she just let's the steam out - end of story, while I have tendency to get fixated on small things and never let it go.
Unfortunately, it is not that simple, but I agree that letting anger out would help. It is like "Analyze This": hit the pillow, LOL.
I too became passive aggressive and it comes and goes, but when it comes, it is really bad. of course, this emotional state goes along with depression, so I alternate between cry baby and b***h from h**l.
Another thing ,which I am not sure if it is only part of menopause or generally related to aging, is that I became short temptered and have low tolerance for other ppl BS. Does anyone esle hasthe same problem, or it is me going crazy?
best,
Iradan.

Iradan--I couldn't have said it any better!!!!! Everything you said is oh so very true. I had to laugh at the unemployed and divorced and alone. My daughter calls me a Drama Queen if I even try to give her a hint of how I feel. So as usual everything is bottled up and hidden from public view except for hubby, and I really don't care much anymore about what I say or how I act around him. Too much water under the bridge that I finally let catch up with me. Oh poor poor pitiful me!!!!--Shelley

Iradan,

I am and have always been the same way. Try to keep the peace and avoid arguing at home, at work and everywhere. I think sometimes that IS some of the anxiety because we hold things in. Someone I love and trusted very much hurt me about 10 months ago and I left some of it out but he is not the type that likes to argue either so we have basically danced around it until I may get a couple beers in me and then I get very brave.
But the problem is I have not resolved the hurt and it keeps coming up in my mind and I am still hanging on to the anger. Not good and I wonder if that is part of the problem with my skipped heart beats.
My dad also was the kind not to argue and hold things in and he died 10 years ago Jan 13th. At the age of 71. Still young in my eyes. My mom was always able to express hers and she is 81.
I also am somewhat of a perfectionist. It seems I have gotten more that way the older I get and the guilt Oh boy I can relate when you talk about feeling that way.
Susie

One of the two smartest things I learned about dealing with really rotten situations came from a union leader. He said, "Whatever they say, whatever they do, whatever they threaten, say nothing." He just picked up the information being presented, and mulled it over for a week, picking other people's brains, checking the law, and making in the end a world-class comeback. By the way, I noticed the less he reacted, the more the opposition said, revealed, and that worked to the Union guy's advantage. I think he took a great deal of satisfaction in that strategy.

The other smart thing came from a lawyer. He would be thoroughly pissed at someone, and would dictate a smoking hot letter. His secretary knew he'd never sign it, so she just went through the motions of writing it in shorthand, and tossing the paper after a couple of days.

I do that on "Word". I'll write what I want to say, and go back to it over and over making it more and more scathing. I just don't mail it.

I also hang out in the stables a lot when I'm just plain irritable. I let DH know its not him, its me and I'm not fit company. It helps to have a plan.

Shelley,
My daughted has the same attitude towards my menop-crap, but God forbid she is a bit upset, everyone a mile away will know it, LOL. Her frineds gave her "drama Queen" badge at work, enough said. Everything is a drama for her, but when I am not well, she goes like 'what is wrong again... I sure hope she gets it easy but something tells me it will be worse than mine.
As for DH, he is very understanding (ppo guy) but I am afraid his patience can run thin one day too, LOL. At least, he is sympatetic for now.

Susie,
I am sure we all have been heart by ppl we love and just randomly, and holding it in hurting ourselves.
Lucky those who don't get mad but get even, like my older son says.
I wonder if we could get even with those who hurt us, would we feel better. My major problem is not being able to get back at people who hurt, betrayed, abused me in any way, and I just sit there and cry instead of getting back at them.
But I managed how not to get my ard fired but not sending angry e-mails and taking depp breathes, yada. yada. I also recall this anxiety settled almost at the same time I quit smoking, so I traded cigs for something that may kill me faster, like heart attack, LOL.
Our problem is we are trying to do everything right and "politically correct" while the world goes around on something opposite.
Hugs,
Iradan

Here's my problem with expressing anger. I can and do get angry, VERY angry, but it's a delayed reaction. I don't think it's suppression or from believing that expressing anger is "bad." I am just not the type to think fast on my feet. My anger comes later on. I will be treated rudely by someone, and I almost feel surprise when it happens. Then, two hours later, I am ANGRY and can think of ten good comebacks. I have always envied those people who are quick on the mark. I see them on TV and in real life; they have a fast comeback and it's deadly accurate. Not me. If I try to respond in the moment, I flub and stammer and feel confused. But later, look out! I can level any number of responses, but by then the moment and the people and the situation are long gone.

Oh, CSugar,

I'm just like you! Sit there not knowing what to say to something rude, until I'm in my bed at 3:00 a.m., still stewing over things!

There is only ONCE I really came back quickly with a response that worked to shut the person up.

I worked in an office of about 6 women and ONE MAN, who was a jerk! One day he came in and berated us because of the state of the room, it was dusty, the windows needed cleaning, etc., which was NOT OUR JOB.

He said, "What, do you girls live in a barn?"

And I answered, (YES IT CAME SHOOTING OUT OF MY MOUTH): "If this is a barn, then YOU MUST BE THE HORSE'S ASS!!!"

JJ

Jacquie,

EXCELLENT!!! This is the type of response that I think of FOUR HOURS later!! I'd never be this fast on my feet.

When I was in high school, I had to walk home and always run into a nasty bunch of girls every day. They could not pass me on the sidewalk (they were younger than I) without always looking me up and down and saying something rude. They made fun of my weight or my clothes or my hair or the little bit of make-up I was trying, like most girls my age. Day after day, I grew to dread seeing them. I crossed the street (maybe I should have tried another street but it was quite a bit out of my way) or I'd actually wait for a while after school was out, so I'd miss them, but I hated hanging around the school alone.

Finally, I'd had enough. The next day, they snapped, "Got a hangover?", probably referring to the little bit of eye make-up I had tried. I went home and sat in my room thinking. I decided to fire back, "Don't know much about hangovers, do you?" This would offend their worldly image. All young kids want their friends to think they have vast experience and knowledge about hangovers and everything else out there. Even if they never had a sip of alcohol, they want the world to think they have great experience with it.

So I actually practiced. I imagined them making the remark, and I practiced answering back quickly.

The next day, they made the remark and I was ready and fired off my answer almost before they were finished. There was stunned silence. I kept walking, feeling quite a bit of triumph.

After this, they left me alone. Had I known it would be this easy, I would have practiced a quick comeback sooner.

It's always amazed me how often bullies and jerks, if you REALLY PRESS BACK, just back right down and stop their nonsense. Good for you for thinking up a good retort!

Whyohwhy do some people feel compelled to make others miserable?

JJ

Duch:
You have horses, too! What do you have?
Peace,
Avi



Sugar, that's me too..I read somewhere, "Ah, the belated eloquence of the inarticulate"....This is especially bad living in the South where we are masters of the cloaked insult..you don't even know until an hour or so later and you go, "Hey wait a minute".

Jacquie, I do believe that people who like making others miserable are feeling miserable themselves, and it somehow lightens their load.

Does anyone know why some people are nasty to receptionists, clerks, janitors--those with what they perceive are "lesser" positions on the corporate totem pole? I used to be a receptionist in the front office area for part of every work day (thank goodness it wasn't all day), and I could not understand why so many people were automatically so unpleasant. On the phone or in person. They bit my head off. It was usually men, but sometimes women, too. When I returned to the back area and had to talk to someone, not as a receptionist, the difference in their attitude was markedly better. I asked a friend and they said people treat someone according to their place on the hierarchy. Why, for heavens' sake?? When I have to speak with a receptionist or front line person, I'm always very courteous, because I know they are human beings like anyone else.

Aviano, how can I be faster on the comeback? A cloaked insult--I can't even do one without a cloak.

CSugar, I am SO WITH YOU on this. It BURNS me when people are rude to those they believe, for whatever reason, are "inferior" to them!

Ironically, when I taught writing courses at a university, my absolute best friends were the History Department receptionist and the janitor! They were the only ones who made sense, and I MEAN IT!!!

You should have seen the bull that went on in the English Department meetings!!! Like kids in a sandbox!

Luv ya,
JJ

I am very uncomfortable about expressing my anger, especially when I feel unstable and about to fly into a rage and hurt someone. So I turn it on myself. I know this is not good, but I'd rather hurt myself than anyone else. I try to save it all up, so when I get to the gym, I'll take it out in a positive way and bang some iron around rather than say something that can never be taken back, or physically hurt someone that I tried to hit.

I am 5 feet 10 inches tall and weigh 160 pounds, and could do some serious damage that I would regret for the rest of my life. So I never let it out.

I have Lady Jolly and Lady Isabeau, full sisters, black Arab X Percheron. Perchie mind, Arabian grace. Lady Marchpane is Isabeau's daughter and Lord Vandal her son. The terrible Lord Trebet is Lady Jolly's son. The father to this load of gits... I met get... is Lord Horrorchops, escapologist. He's a Friesian.

So - another equinologist! What fun! There are a few of us... I think I'll start a thread, and ask you there about your horsies.

Duch, I have many questions! What's an escapologist? Does he get out and about when he shouldn't? Why is Lord Trebet terrible? I'll bet he's beautiful. Arabians!! Wow....and what's a Perchie mind? Do you have six horses in all? Yes, please start a horsie thread. Even those of us not lucky enough to own one will enjoy reading.

Hey--there's a good name! If I ever get a horsie, I'll name him or her Lucky Enough.

Thanks much for the helpful advice with anger, rage, and these roller coaster emotions. I seem to be standing up for my boundaries these days, for the first time in my life. I have never been a confrontational person. Just kept stuffing everything deep inside. Well, my husband, who is really trying to be very supportive to my difficulties right now, has experienced my "speaking honestly about my feelings" for the first time in maybe forever. I just don't feel I can stand to push anymore frustration, anger and upset into my soul. However, I do seem to be able to think things out for awhile and make the decision whether it's ME or something that needs to be dealt with. I've always had trouble confronting because I always seem to go into crying mode, which I think makes me look either nuts or hysterical. I guess that's my fear-if I speak honestly according to my heart and head, I'LL fall apart. But in fact, so far, I've had good results. I am exercising everyday, and that helps. Walking, stretching, deep breathing. I think I will try beating the heck out of something, not someone!! Thanks so much...

just need to let it out...... here it comes..... MEN ARE SUCH SELFISH SELF SERVING ASSHOLES I THINK I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!! now that i have had a hysterectomy, my brain seems to work different. I beleive my own feelings when i think a guy is lying. Also i seem to be aware of how society has given men the un broken piece of the pie of life. I allway have given them the benefit of the doubt, been generous, never bought into " all men are pigs" But i think I have had it with men!!!
The final straw was meeting this very kind, very considerate man on line, we took it very slow, ( or I took it slow and just let him lead) He seemed smitten as i felt I slowly warmed to him. Finnaly I felt safe enough to show some interest back AND he backs out of a date.....WITH A LAME ASS EXCUSE ( i am a poker player and am getting better at seeing lies)
OH his car was acting funny, is what he said HEY If He like me as much as he proffessed a little car problem would not stop me! But he said he could see me the next day because.....because WHY?? he knew his car would be working again by then ??/ It supposedly was an electrical problem ,which everybody knows are tricky!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I am so tempted to call him right now and rip him a new one. But as he said he would call tommorow ,I have to then to think of a cool counter action that should leave him reeling....... like hmmmmm i think I am going to be going to Canada for a month...cal you when I have time. thank for listening...I feel better already.

Wouldn't his wife let him?

Remember a lot of guys have a fake persona

((Hugs))

Lots of red flags here. Steer clear of this one.

thanks ....I love this site! there is so much positive female energy here. Thank you again Dearest for your gift to the world. thank you all.... Onika