First, I want to thank all of you who have sent me such kind and supportive messages. You don't know how much I appreciate your compassion.

For the past six weeks I have been having unbearable anxiety and depression. I could barely leave my house. I thought I was dying and I just kept getting worse and worse. Last Saturday night I finally had a complete breakdown. I paced the floor all night crying and shaking. I thought I was dying and when I finally went to bed I was afraid to get up. I cried all Sunday morning and my husband was so concerned he called my doctor.

I knew that I was out of options and I had no choice - I agreed to be hospitalized. My doctor sent me to a small hospital with a 12 bed psychiatric ward (that sounds so awful). I wish I had gone six weeks ago. The staff was wonderful, the psychiatrist (and I usually don't like psychiatrist) was compassionate and knowledgable and the support group meetings were so helpful. There were other women there going thru the same thing I was. I felt safe in the hospital - I can't explain it. It was so peaceful and it seemed that the only thing the staff cared about was making sure I got better.

I was put on a low dose of Klonopin twice a day for anxiety attacks (I have to take one at 6:00 a.m. since morning are so bad for me) and I am taking Zoloft for depression. I was scared to death that when I went into the hospital I would be drugged up and made into a zombie but it wasn't like that at all.

I will be seeing a therapist weekly and will see a psychiatrist once a month who will help regulate my medication.

I haven't had an anxiety attack all day and I even went out to a noisy restuarant tonight with no problem. For the first time in a long time I feel a little bit of hope. I was so opposed to taking medication but I see now I have no choice.

While I was in the hospital I read Brook Shields' book "Down Came the Rain" about postpartum depression. Although I am definitely not suffering from the baby blues the book was so enlightening to me. She went thru exactly the same things I have been experiencing. She thought about suicide and she writes a very compelling story of what hormones did to her.


My psychiatrist explained to me (he was very good about answering questions) the role of estrogen and seratonin and all the factors that cause us poor women to go off the deep end.

So, tonight I am feeling better. I may wake up in the morning crying and shaking again (I pray to God that I don't). But I just wanted you all to know that if you find the right doctor and you find the right medication some of your symptoms might be alleviated.

I hate to admit but I didn't want to leave the hospital. I wanted to stay there with those therapists who seemed to understand exactly how I felt and I didn't want to leave Debbie, Lynn and Kara (the other women who were suffering from anxiety and depression). But I couldn't hide away forever so I am now back home. At least I know now that if I ever go off the deep end again there is a place I can go that will help me.

Again, I thank all of you who sent me such kind messages. I was truly at the end of my rope and felt there was no help for me. Your support helped me make it thru.

Hi Gwen


Glad to hear your feeling better...yes ..hormones do a number on us. Im happy you found a doc who understood and took the right measures to help you. Please keep us informed on your progress. Good to hear your able to go out again and have some fun.

Peace
AA

Hi Gwen

I read your post with interest, I've had anxiety 24/7 but not as intense as you described. Did the pacing one night, scared me as you feel as though something bad is going to happen. Funny how you feel this way but when asked what's wrong you don't actually know. It's a horrendous place to be.

Glad to hear you have had help. I thought I was going nuts.......brave of you to go to hospital. I would be afraid they wouldn't let me out

Now you have gone back out into the world you are on the path to healing. Going to a restaraunt can be very daunting with panic and anxiety. I applaud you and hope you continue to progress in beating this. It's very hard work at times but don't give up.

Cheers Cheryl

Dear Gwen,

I am so sorry to hear you were suffering so, and I'm so glad you got the help you needed. I have suffered with menopausal symptoms over the past nine years (!) and I totally relate to what you were describing. I, too, used to get up in the morning and shake, rock back and forth in my chair, and would pace around the house all day long. The only thing that really seemed to alleviate the anxiety was taking long power walks, and that was only temporary. It was absolute torture.

I am so happy that you found the medical staff so helpful, and I know you will continue to get stronger and stronger. I am now at the point where I'm only a little bothered by all of my symtoms, so I have first-hand knowledge that this does dissipate! Good luck, and remember, you are not alone. This is physiological, and there are many, many of us out there.

Many hugs,
Meryl

Hi Gwen,

Sounds as if you found the care you needed. Anxiety and depression was just the worst, of any of my symptoms.
If, I hadn't of had an supportive new doctor, I don't know what I would have done.
I had been down the therapist and physiatrist route and neither one seemed to have a compassionate bone between them.
But, good doctors and therapist are out there, as you well know.

My daughter was in the hospital for a few days with depression, she had the same thing to say about...not wanting to leave...she felt "safe" and not alone in her depression and anxiety.

Her physiatrist is a very compassionate man, not into the over-medication...just what works.

I've started the family-to-family classes provided by NAMI, it has been a godsend for me to know the support is there.
Because, some days I need the support just as badly, if not more than she does.

May each and everyday....be better than the day before.

Many hugs,

Yep

Hi Yep -
So glad to hear you started NAMI's Family to Family class! So many parents are so afraid of their child's illness that taking the class is out of the question. They learn the hard way that denial is not therapeutic and not taking the class limits their ability to help their child.

I teach NAMI's Peer to Peer class. If there is one in your area, perhaps your daughter will attend. It is a very empowering course - a place and space where having a mental illness is a bond, not a reason to feel shame.

Sorry that this post doesn't directly address meno issues, but the free programs provided by NAMI can certainly help women experiencing depression and anxiety in peri. And they can help family members understand and cope as well.

Cesca

Hello Gwen -

So sorry you went through all that! I am happy you are feeling better. So many women, including me, can relate to your situation. Its truely horrible. Just wanted to send warm wishes your way and to let you know that I'm thinking of you and wish I could give you a warm embrace.

Take care-

Gez

Gwen, if I have offended you in any way....I humbly apologize.
That was not my intention.
I'm much better at communicating face to face, or over the phone.
I'll keep this in mind before posting, again.
Most of the time I feel like a square peg, trying to fit in a round hole.

What I was trying to communicate was exactly what Cesca posted so well below...

"Sorry that this post doesn't directly address meno issues, but the free programs provided by NAMI can certainly help women experiencing depression and anxiety in peri. And they can help family members understand and cope as well".

Just wanted to wrap my arms around you and give you a hug....and try and share.

I've came across the wrong way again...forgive me.



Much love to you...

Yep - Your post seems fine to me! You've done nothing wrong at all and I'm sure Gwen will see it that way too! Youre just another PS angel who has taken the time to give much needed support. Thank god!




Gez

Gwen Like everyone else here at PS I'm glad to hear that your doing so much better!!! I just want to say, in fact it's a repeat of a post I did last week, something that I was told while going thru all this hell. My nurse practioner told me she would not put me in a hospital because it would become my crutch and my safety zone. Hopefully your time there will have been enough to help you work your way thru all this. There are sooo many wonderful ladies here to help you too. Dearest and all the PS ladies here have been a Godsend. Hang tough Gwen, hand tough!!! Shelley

Yep,

I just wanted to add to Gwen's post:

I've come across quite a few of your posts in my 2 months here. You are one of the memorable ones that has stood out & I have actually thought "oh it's that nice kind caring lady again". I've always thought your posts come across as really caring and supportive!

Gwen, I read your post and I want to tell you my experience. 2 years ago I suffered a mini stroke, they are not sure why and luckily it left me with no problems afterward, but mentally I was petrified of it happening again. I was also going through peri menopause and this was discovered by all the tests they put me through. Needless to say I was a mess and I became so nervous and scared I didn't even want to come out of my bedroom. My husband got so worried about me he called our doctor and he recommended that I start seeing a therapist. You cannot know how much she helped me. Just being able to talk to someone and tell them anything and everything without the worry of it coming back and biting you on the butt was sheer heaven. Oralee had such a soothing voice and she taught me so many things to help myself. I still keep a journal of everything that happens my thoughts anything I feel like writing down. And when I start to have an anxiety attack I am able to step back and figure out what brought it on and how to deal with it. As she was fond of saying anxiety attacks never killed anybody. I remember the first time we went on a trip after I had started seeing her, I was ok till we hit
cincinnati and the traffic I started to panic there and I almost had to take a valium to get through it. We were going to the University of Kentucky to watch the Eastern Michigan woman's basketball team play because our youngest son worked for the team. It was great to see Jeff but the crowd made me very nervous anyway I made it through that weekend without any valium or xanax and my therapist was so proud of me. It wasn't long after that she told me there wasn't anything else she could do for me cause I was finally understanding where the anxiety came from and how to deal with it , of course I miss talking to her but now I just tell my family everything I feel and it works for me. So hang in there and know that we are here for you and if you ever need just to talk you can pm me anytime. much love to you.cardlady(Marcia)

Thank-you... Gwen.
Love & best wishes to you...


Squiggle & Gez, thank you for your words, of kindness.



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