mare
Jun 10 2001, 07:41 PM
Hi. I'm in trouble at work because for months I've been a prisoner of horrible mood swings that just keep getting worse, uncontrollable anger, anxiety and panic attacks. Anger wells up easily and I yell at co-workers -- I seem to have no tolerance at all. I've missed a lot of work since January because of illnesses like spastic colon episodes, colds and bronchitis, mainly because I'm so run down and fatigued from the nights sweats, hot flashes, worsening PMS, and constant anxiety. My co-executive director (who is a 27 year-old woman - I just turned 50) reported me as a "problem" to our board president and boss and told me last Friday that I'm setting a bad example as a leader and gave me a warning that my attitude, "up and down" behavior and absences must stop. (the president and boss let her "write me up" and really don't want to deal with me) I've been in perimenopause for at least 6 years, but symptoms have been worse than ever lately. I think I may be almost finished with my periods and actual menopause is near. I've tried the hormone patches, birth control pills, herbs, etc. -- nothing really works. I'm taking Paxil and klonopin for depression and panic attacks. Yesterday I order Revival from this site - I'm desperate for relief. My question is -- at what point is it appropriate, if ever, to talk to your boss (a man-73, and board president a woman-76) about my emotional rollercoaster and behavior being health-related - and how much to I tell? How can I possibly talk to my 27 year-old female co-partner about the terrors of menopause or even expect her to understand? Plus, she's the one who "turned me in, " over all this -- she didn't even have the decency to talk to me first. (She's probably afraid I'd take her head off!) I can't afford to lose my job. (I'm single) Help. Thank you so much. Mare
dawn
Jun 10 2001, 08:14 PM
Hi Mare,
This may sound totally out in left field, but if I were you, I'd talk to a lawyer, before I confided in my employer.
It is illegal to fire someone for health reasons. That being said, companies do it all the time, but they do it under the radar screen using other excuses.
A lawyer may be able to advise you of your rights under the various equal opportunity employment acts.
If this sounds like strange advice, my husband has worked for several large Fortune 500 companies over the years, and I don't trust businesses to look out for the needs of their employees.
Kathyh
Jun 10 2001, 09:23 PM
Hi Mare,I agree with Dawn about hiring a lawyer, but before you do that I would go into the boss's and president's office and tell them why your behavior is the way it is. They don't HAVE to understand it, no matter how old they are,but they should hear it firsthand from you. You have nothing to lose by doing this and your work situation could get real ugly if you hire a lawyer without first explaining yourself (without the lawyer). The bosses would immediately be on the defense and could make your life miserable( more than it is right now ) if you just showed up one day with a lawyer. I just started on the Revival myself. I have many of the same mood swings you mentioned and they are no picnic. They can destroy relationships if we are unable to get them under control. I've also started meditating and deep-breathing relaxation exercises.It might sound corny and far-fetched but it has helped. Best of luck to you.
Dearest
Jun 10 2001, 10:09 PM
I agree with Dawn and Kathy that you should seek legal counsel. I'm curious, how long have you worked there? What is your position there? She said something about your not setting a good example as a leader. Your position in the company might even make your legal case stronger (as if you want to get involved in litigation). However, even just a letter from an attorney advising them that their behavior toward you is inappropriate and/or illegal and that if they don't cease and desist, you will have no recourse but to take them to court on harassment charges. That's a very frightening word to most employers.
Don't lose it, Mare. I know how you're feeling -- we all know how you're feeling going through this miserable transition, but don't let them think they're getting the best of you. Remind them of all you have contributed to the company. As for what to tell them, again, I think it would be best to get a good lawyer's opinion so you don't play right into their hands by saying the wrong things.
As for the 27 year old, I won't even say what I'm thinking because I'm a lady and what I'm thinking isn't very nice, but I hope one day she goes through the most miserable menopause any human being has ever gone through.
Good luck to you!
Janel
Jun 10 2001, 10:25 PM
Hi Mare, Yes I know what you are going through and it is sure no fun. I was peri for 6 years and did great on HRT. Then I turned 50 and all he-- broke loose. I am really surprised that my husband did not divorce me, I broke almost everything in our home from anger that came from no where. That lasted for almost 2 years, I have listened to my body very closely over the last few months and chose my own HRT and it is working pretty well so far, thank goodness. Now I am NOT saying that you should go on HRT, What I am saying is that you are not alone in this circle of emotions. You should try to find a good doctor that will listen to your needs and help you find a solution. I was also put on SSIs and they did not work for me but made things worse.In the meantime I would explain to my employers that your problem is medical and you are working closely with your dr. to find a solution. A good dr. would even give you a written slip saying this if it would help and you could give that to your boss. How much you tell your employers is up to you, The main thing here is not to give up. There are allot of us on this emotional ride with you and when you need our hands we are here
Good Luck and keep us informed on how you are doing.
Dearest
Jun 11 2001, 09:37 AM
I think Mare meant to post this to the board, but clicked on "Message" instead of "Reply."
Here's Mare's message:
Message from mare sent to you on 1:09 am on June 11, 2001 Message title: Thank you
Dearest,
I've read and re-read the responses to my topic and am so grateful to hear only support and no judgement that I could cry. I'm deeply touched and thankful for your words. To answer your question -- I am the co-executive director (my other "co" is the 27 year-old) for almost two years of a small non-profit performing arts organization. I have had a very successful career as a development director (fundraising) in non-profit arts for more than 16 years. The Pres. of the Board is someone I knew from my previous position and she asked me to come in an "professionalize" the org. and make it a going concern. I've accomplished that. Things have gotten rough for me in the last 6 months with the peri stuff going on - from "their" point of view I've been "going downhill" for a long time now. You, and the others who have responded, have given me the courage to respect myself enough to stand up for myself in this terrible situation.
Love, Mare
melinda
Jun 14 2001, 12:32 AM
Mare,
Do you have disability insurance within your benefits program? I know that there are all kinds of reasons for disability, including depression, and even "severe stress caused by the job" so certainly what you are experiencing is viable......it is medical! And that might be your best route to explore. I would think that an MD and counsellor could certainly vouch for you, and that an attorney would see that it is done........if you even need the attorney.
Please check into your benefits and disability plan.....it is surealy a disability if this medical condition is threatening your career that you have worked so hard for!
mare
Jun 21 2001, 01:31 AM
Janel,You gave me the words to use when talking to my employer about my "medical condition" affecting my work ("working closely with my doctors to find a solution.......") Thank you so much for helping. My situation has improved somewhat by having the courage to briefly explain that the "ups and downs" in my behaviour are due to peri. Love, Mare Love, Mare
orb
Jul 18 2004, 11:14 AM
Mare,
I feel for you. I agree about the advice of talking to a lawyer to go over your rights as an employees. However this should be behind the scenes. The lawyer shouldn't have any contact with your employer unless it becomes necessary in the near future.
Re the 27-year old co-worker, I feel that she had no choice. You even said it, she might have been afraid that to talk to you first. We sometimes chose the long or wrong way of approaching the person who we're having trouble with. Somehow it is easier to tell a third party first. However I think if you had approached her and explain to her your mood swings she would have understood your temperamental swings. I still think you and her (co-worker) can work it out. Have a dialog with her.
Best of luck to you. I'm a 50-year old how has been on Celexa for many years and that has helped me a lot.
I'll be thinking of you.
Orb
Mattia
Jul 18 2004, 01:19 PM
Mare,
For documentation purposes, it might be wise to get a statement from your doctor concerning your condition (not your treatment). With that alone, you will have some protection of not being terminated. It is definitely illegal to terminate an employee for a medical condition under the EEO act.
Some states are "At-Will" state meaning they can terminate you immediately for any reason they wish - and it goes both ways - you can leave immediately for any reason. There are many companies that are incorporating this policy because it makes it easier to weed-out the bad employees without having to go through the long documentation process and by-pass the EEO lawsuit that may follow.
An attorney is an excellent idea. You need to know your rights and course of action RIGHT NOW. Do not let them badger you or think you have lost it. You have not. You are a professional and should be treated as such.
In my years of managing people across the US, we dealt with our employees with compassion and caring. It was our motto that we worked for them - and we did. You can't keep good employees by being an iron-butt. When we had a so-called problem employee, our policy was to first talk (no documenting or write-up) with that employee to find out what the situation was, see if there were any other underlying problems that contributed to it, and lastly try to help resolve the problem. It usually worked. If the problem persisted, we would document starting with the 2nd indcident. The 27-year old didn't seem to care enough to even try to talk to you. That was her first mistake, her second was to presume and then write you up. Wrong move on her part.
Keep your chin up Mare. Write back and let us know how things are going. We care.
Hugs to you,
Tina
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