Anger in Perimenopause Options

[Introvert]

I have been reading a lot on this Website and find the info sooo helpful.  I am in perimenopause according to my doctor, myself and anyone who has come in contact with me for any length of time since about April.My anger is ridiculous.  Although quite often it is justified (my husband is a slob), lately it gets out of proportion.  Many times I just need to get away and there is nowhere to go (especially in our house, which is being remodeled).  I woke up the other night to go to the bathroom (down the basement since the upstairs one is ripped up), turned the light on and the blasted radio comes on.  My husband has the radio (usually talk radio) or TV  on or is slamming the back door continuously from morning to night.  Sometimes my head aches so bad, I long for a moment of silence.  

I am probably rambling but I do that a lot lately.  

Oh, by the way, I didn't realize the interest section concerned the Website but I am concerned about my Golden Retrievers.  I don't know if they will make it through this either.  

[athenea]

Hi Introvert - sounds like you are into the fun that most of us have been going through at some time or another, but don't worry about it, ramble and vent all you want, as you can see we all do, and sometimes it helps to pound the computer instead of somebody's head :biggrin:

That was comical when you said that anyone who had come into contact with you since April knew you were in peri - just goes to show we don't even have to tell anyone do we :wink:

I was just wondering what you were taking if anything for all this hormone imbalance which is the root of all evil :wink: or are you battling it out by yourself. If you've been reading around, you may have seen on the different boards that there are loads of ways to get round all the symptoms (even lousy mood swings). Oh, and when you've got to run out - run out, take a drive, take a walk and do what you want to do - that is so important at this time - thinking of yourself, it really is :smile:  I spoilt my husband and kids too much, so when they get too pretentious, I just go to the coffee shop on the corner with a book and take some air.

I think that people talk about their pets sometimes on the Nothing Board, although they mention them on all boards really,

Take care,Barbiexxxxxxx

[Introvert]

Thanks for the response.  I am now using Estrostep (BCP) that I just started last month.  Dr. says that HRT would not be "strong enough" for me at this point.  Last week just purchased some progesterone cream (one recommended by Dr. Lee).  It seemed to give me some relief although I really don't know because the symptoms seem to ebb and flow.   It might take a few months to show any great indication of improvement as I understand it.  

Saturday I was a screaming maniac and always seem too tired to finish anything.  Today, my "period" started because my last pill was Saturday.  Usually I feel good once it starts but today I felt nauseas although it was nothing like it was last week.  What is really weird is that I have major mood swings, nausea, crying jags, backaches and  headaches but hardly any hot flashes.  I do drink soy milk, take my vitamins and calcium (was told I was on the borderline for bone loss -- joy! joy!  

At least I was in a good mood today.  They are so infrequent that I revel in them when they come.

They ought to do a commercial.  This is Mary's brain and show a normal functioning intelligent brain.  And then  ... this is Mary's brain with wildly fluctuating hormones and show one with Medusa like snakes in fury flailing from it.  

[Aunt B]

Anger worse in perimenopause than in PMS.  There is a reason for this.  Besides all of the symptoms that we have to endure, and just when we think ok we are getting closer to post, wham!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  After 9 months period comes back.  We have a reason for being the way we are.  Don't you think.!!!!!!!!!!!  I have had it with all of these crazy symptoms.  I just want to be whole again.  I don't believe that is in the cards for me.  Not right now anyway.

Mood swings - you betcha ya.

Rage - WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent.

Huggsss!!!!!!!!

[wildflowers]

is then the anger less or goes away in menopause??

[athenea]

Hi:Introvert:  I haven't heard about Estrocep, is it just estrogen? If your doctor says it isn't strong enough, maybe he can look for another alternative because you are going through a lot of symptoms.   It might be an idea to post this on the HRT boards and possibly someone will see it and be able to give you some advice on that - Dr. Lee knows his stuff, so he'll probably put you on the right road and suggest something. Keep posting won't you and let us know.

Wildflowers: I reckon there are no fixed laws on this, there are those who have more symptoms in peri than they do in recent post-meno and with others it's just the opposite - so if you are going through a really difficult time now, maybe it'll let up when you're past it (meno that is :biggrin:).  

You know I think there's also a physcological perspective to this, in the way that we are angry with ourselves because we are physically changing in some respects and we make too many balances - I sometimes think of the things I "should have" changed before now and I don't want it to be too late to change them - frustration and anger is a part of that.  I try to think though because I know that irrational angry behaviour towards people won't get me anywhere and try to relieve the nervous tension doing something else - (not just absorbing it, because that will make me worse).  I'm just writing and thinking about this at the same time :smile: not directing it to anyone in particular. I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on that.

Barbiexxxxxxxx

[athenea]

I was just reading the other string "Anger in Menopause" and a lot of views were expressed there I suppose, still I reckon we could carry it on here anyway :smile:

Barbiexxxxxxxxx

[Kalanie]

Hi Barbie.... Just a thought I had in regard to the anger...  for myself, it seems like I am less angry than I was when I was younger.  Seems like I am more accepting of myself now, for some reason.  When I was younger, I was much more driven to be perfect and had alot less patience!  :biggrin:

[wildflowers]

i think sometimes too as i've said before...lots of women are all cycling at different times and moments of the day/minute..so some things that you hear/see at 10am might not bother you in an hr...everyone is reacting at different times..and when theres a bunch of women all going at different speeds and times we all can react in many different ways.  

[athenea]

Hi girls:

Thanks for your thoughts

Vickie: I think that is so positive. I wish I could propel myself into that train of thinking :smile:  – still, got a few years to go to realize myself (ha-ha) and then I can reach the point where I let myself off the hook. I don’t just mean projects, it’s a whole sphere of things. I hope that is clear, it's not referring to anger really, just acceptance of who we are.

Wildflowers, That's true. Oh and you made a really good point last week when we spoke on the chat about assertiveness. etc.  I think it’s great to be more assertive, because I suppose we do learn so much about ourselves at this age and that it’s time, if we haven’t done this before, to be firm about what we want.

Kisses,Barbiexxxxxx

[Kalanie]

Hi Barbie...

I don't really know how I got over my anger, but I do have a couple of hunches... one is shedding a marriage that was destroying me, and the other is coming to terms about my relationship with my mother, who was an alcoholic.  Other than that, I figure I just have gotten too old to give a damn about other peoples' opinions of me more than my own.  I think we are all constantly working on ourselves, realizing ourselves, until the day we die, so there is always so much to still learn.  Self-actualization is such a luxury, especially in trying times, but I think we all strive to obtain it, in some way.  I sure hope I make more progress in the time I have left here!  :biggrin:

[athenea]

Vickie: Hi - Yes, I'm sure your strength and the ability to lose your anger must have come from having to face difficulties (those you are telling me here and others I read on the boards). You have a lot of spirit - that must have helped you get through those times and now, hopefully, it's much easier to find happiness when you are open to it and not angry with the world, so now you have every reason to find happiness - your positiveness will just lead you to it. :smile:

Sometimes, your posts have helped me think, I  remember what you said in anxiety that support doesn't always look like support.

Nice weekend to you and everyone else here.Kisses,Barbiexxxxxxxxx

[Aunt B]

I don't know how the mood swings are in post menopause since it looks like I have to start all over again.  All I can say is that after I started my period after 9 months I lost it.  I just got into a terrible argument with my husband.  No one seems to care what I am going through or doesn't seem to understand.

I had a good cry and then I felt a little better.  It seems that I just have to let it out or I will go mad.  Do you know what I mean????  Is anyone else feeling this way?

I remember my poor mother when she was going through menopause.  I was 13 at the time, my brother was in Viet Nam, and  she was a widow trying to make ends meet.  I caught her several times crying by herself.   She never talked to me about it.  It was my Aunt that pulled be aside one day to explain it to me.

She was so independent.  It must have been hard on her.  I don't feel as strong as her though.  Thank God for these boards b/c I feel so alone at times.  But when I come here I see others going through similar situations.  It does help.

Huggggsssss

[Dearest]

It's so interesting you should say that about your mother, Aunt B, because now I can recall my mother's menopause. At the time, I was also a teenager and didn't have a clue what was going on with her except that she wasn't feeling well. I'd bring her cold compresses and hold them on her forehead. She never was much of a crier, but I knew she was going through a very bad time. We never discussed menopause. I wish I'd understood better then, but I did my best to try to help her. I remember her closing herself in her bedroom, listening to music a lot and isolating a great deal at the time. She's always been a very sociable person, but I do recall her friends having to drag her out of the house. She, like your mother, has always been a very independent person - even at nearly 90 today.

That's why sites like this are so important -- women need to talk about what they're going through. Let me tell you something, sites like this save people a fortune on therapy.

Dearest

[wildflowers]

Aunt B. WE CARE....my Mom is almost 83..she still gets a hot flash once in awhile....I remember her in my teen yrs. standing over a pot of soup crying and crying..menopause..she says in the "olden days" she used to take Lydia Pinkam (sp?) pills and the doctors gave her some kind of shots..vitamin one i think..my Dad who passed away over 20 yrs. ago..would hold her hand..when she was having difficult times..she told me in later years..she says although it was nice..sometimes she wanted to smack him lol...he just tried to be so understanding..my husband too trys to understand...i think men go through a type of this minus of course the periods..you know with the mood swings, tired etc..etc..please remember we DO CARE...go back and press the enter button and listen to that song!!it helps me..

[Kalanie]

Hi Barbie...

I guess I do have alot of spirit (that I have to sometimes coral, lol), and I am sure the difficulties from within my family may have strengthened my character, but I think we all have alot of spirit and strength to tap into.  Besides, lol, I was required to go through alot of personal counseling as a requirement of my own master's program in counseling!   :biggrin:

From your posts, I also get the feeling that you also have alot of spirit, positiveness, a willingness to look openly at many things, and to learn all you can about yourself and others, so I am sure you must be very far along the way in your quest for self-actualization!  I have learned alot from you and others here, for which I am very grateful (lol, especially about tennis shoes--sheesh, I have forgotten your name for them at the moment).

I also appreciate your acknowledgement of my comment regarding support not always looking like support, and I am glad I helped you to think about that one, especially!   That one can be a very tricky one to understand sometimes... I know, been there, done that, and fought it for a long time!  :biggrin:

You also have a great (warm, summer!) weekend!

[Kalanie]

Hi Aunt B...

Firstly, I would like to say that I am sure it is so very terribly frustrating to get so close to that 12 month mark and get a period...  I think I will do more than cry if that should happen to me.  But, crying is also a sign of great strength because of the willingness to let yourself feel what it signifies.  It takes much greater strength to let yourself be vulnerable than it does to try to remain stoic and let the pent up feelings churn inside of you until it kills you.  

Crying is a perfectly acceptable outlet for the release of feelings, as are a number of other things that some people unwittingly consider as signs of weakness.  If the feelings we have are not released somehow, they cannot ever get out, and eventually will make us ill.... physically, as well as emotionally.  Further, I think that, because you are able to do this, you are every bit as strong as you consider your mother to have been.

On the subject of our mothers--  they were raised in a different time, and they did the best they could with what they had and knew... today, we are in far better times than they were, especially regarding feelings and meno.  My mother used to try to hide so many things from me and my siblings, including her crying (she was also a widow, and at a very young age), and perhaps she thought she was helping to protect us.  My mother is now gone, and I cannot help but feel a little slighted because I feel that if she had shared some important things with me (like her own menopause, for instance), it would help me greatly now.  I do not blame her, because I know, as I said, that she did the best that she knew how, and gave what she was capable of giving, but I do feel alot of grief sometimes at what got lost along the way.  I am not relating this to your mom, but your post just got me to thinking about my own mom's attempts at saving me from grief, which has had the opposite effect from what I am sure she thought it would.  

Be kind to yourself, and feel good about your ability to cry when you need to.  :)

[Liz51]

As far as dealing with the anger, I suggest slamming a pillow into the bed over and over as hard as you can.  If you'd like to accompany this with a scream or growling noise it will work even better.  It helps tremendously.  The cats and dogs run for cover, but at least this way they are not the targets.

I wish I knew about my mom's menopause. She was 37 when she had me, and I remember her saying that her doctors thought she was starting her menopause when she became pregnant.  Therefore I was too young to remember what she went through.  I do remember a time when my mom would be shut in the bedroom upstairs in the dark in great pain, and the doctor would come (that was back when they made housecalls) and give her a shot for the pain.  I remember standing at the foot of the stairs watching my dad and doctor run up and down stairs, but I wasn't sure what was happening. (That's probably one of the things that has led to my anxiety and paranoia today.)  I wonder now if her pain then was menopausal, maybe migraine headaches, but I have not had those (yet) and I hope I never do.  I do get cluster headaches occasionally though.  

Aunt B your post concerns me.  I've been without a period now for almost 11 months, but this past week I've been feeling that heavy feeling in my pelvis and have been more tense than usual.  Could the menopause gods be cruel enough to me that I would have a period after 11 months!  I'm so close to that 12 months - I'm considering it my Christmas present this year.  Let's just hope its one of those phantom periods.

[Aunt B]

Thanks everyone for your reply.  It did feel good to cry and let it out.  Of course, hubby is not too happy with me right now.  

I miss my mom terribly.  I wish I could hear her consoling words.  Of course she was a very blunt woman.  She would have had a way of telling me that would have made me angry and it would have pushed me into doing better.  LOL

I will try to push myself into thinking positive again.  I just need a little time to heal if you know what I mean.

Thanks and Hugggssssss:smile:

[Introvert]

Haven't been on the message boards for some days and have missed a lot.  

I talked to my dad about my mom.  He said she was a "mean bean" during perimenopause.  I replied that I never felt good and he said that was what she had told him.  I was living in California at the time and she never mentioned any symptons (She never talked about "personal" things to anyone. )  But I remember she went to bed "for about a month" and my dad said he would take her to the hospital if she didn't get up.  She got up, but I doubt she felt any better.  She also had physical symptoms of anxiety and had gas pains so bad that she did go to the hospital.  

While I am more inclined to seek out information regarding perimenopause (and it has helped), I also feel good one minute and lousy the next.

But I had about 8 great days where I scrambled to get everything done so I could rest more if I felt lousy.  The last few days brought on that hideous backache and the fatigue.  I didn't sleep very well that past few nights either.  So, here we go again!!!

I have to also mention that the anger does seem to have a source.  I just don't want to put up with certain things anymore.  The anger got my husband to stop using the entire first floor of the house as a closet.  

[athenea]

Hi, I wrote quite a bit on this thread, but I wanted to say like wildflowers, that yes, we do care- I think most of us know what it's like to feel vulnerable, sensitive and anxious, so that makes it easier to understand each other.  I didn't see my mother go through much more than hot flashes (my dad is such an understanding person, so if she did have anxiety, he must have helped her get through it) and my mother-in-law always tells me she didn't have symptoms and I remember, she didn't!!! There's still hope - not everyone is going to feel miserable because of this all the time :smile:

Kisses, Barbiexxxxxxxxxxxx

Vickie: "trainers" - sounds a little like something a baby would use :biggrin:- but that was what I was told they were called.

[Dearest]

As we've said so many times, every woman reacts differently to menopause. There are so many factors involved - most importantly including the state of a woman's personal life at the time she enters perimenopause. Don't think for one moment that everything isn't connected. Most of us don't lead perfect lives - lives without all sorts of emotional difficulties -- some physical issues that existed before menopause. Everything in our lives is exacerbated by menopause. It's like when people post about their marital or partner relationship suddenly going sour. I hate to make blanket statements, but I seriously doubt a good relationship with a solid foundation that has been good for years will suddenly find a menopausal woman suing for divorce. I've had men write to me about it all the time -- as though, "Wow, what's with my wife? Suddenly, our ideal marriage is ending because she's going through her changes." Sorry, my friend, but there are problems in your marriage that existed before menopause started.

The anger we experience has so many possible causes, the most significant one being the constant ebbing and flowing of hormone levels, which could drive anyone crazy. It's like having PMS 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Nobody can deal with that without feeling some anger.

The thing that frightened me was experiencing a rage I had never even known I was capable of before perimenopause. I have written about it before -- that for about a year (and it's not easy now either), I was unable to be in the same room with my father without feeling all the pent up anger come to the fore because of so many unresolved issues I've had with him since childhood. There was so much I sequestered away for so many years and once in menopause, *everything* comes to the fore - it's like the floodgates open and all our emotional demons face us head on. This isn't an unusual situation - not the exception, but most often the rule. Maybe that's why all the dreams and nightmares women complain about as well -- many of the suppressed feelings coming to the surface in our dreams. Everyone deals with her emotional issues differently, but anger and rage are very common during menopause and the best way to deal with it is to accept it, address it, find ways of coping with the anger. It can manifest itself in so many ways including gaining weight -- using comfort food to deal with issues we find overwhelming. I mean, let's face it, menopause presents so many challenging physical issues, alone, to cope with -- couple with that the mood swings, anger, anxiety and depression and it could send the most stable person into an emotional rage.

This is simply not an easy time of life!

Bette Davis once said, "Old age ain't for sissies." Wellll, go through about 10-15 years of menopause and most of us will be more than glad to get to old age because if anything ain't for sissies it's menopause.  

I have no tolerance for doctors who keep telling us about how natural this process is. Whoppie do. Natural, my foot. There ain't nothing natural about this process. It can be the most gut-wrenching experience on a daily basis for years and years and I've never stood for anyone minimizing menopause. Sure, we look for ways to resolve our problems, but don't even present me with the idea that it's all in my mind, or I'm making more of it than it is because for too many women I have seen what a life-altering event menopause can be. Sure, we want to come out of this feeling better, stronger, empowered and more zestful (I'm still waiting for that Margaret Mead prophecy), but until we DO get there, many of feel like we're going to hell in a handbasket.

Don't ever allow anyone to make you feel as though you should be doing better than you are. We're all doing the best we can -- one of the most important things being "talking" about it.

As for those older women who say they went through an easy menopause, I'm very happy for them. Would it were so that we could all go through an easier menopause and would it were so that there were some magical relief to all these issues, but there isn't. It takes work, patience, self-love, understanding and learning to be a little selfish and put yourself first. Hard after years of putting everyone else first? Sure, but something you must do in order to get through this transition.

There IS light at the end of the menpausal tunnel, but it doesn't happen overnight. Just be kind to yourselves -- learn to rest -- give yourself a break. Don't expect to be the superwoman you've been for so many years.

Learn to be your own best friend.

Dearest

[wildflowers]

i'd like to comment on the anger coming out after yrs. of marriage. (on what dearest said) .i've probably read well over 100 books on peri and meno stuff..one book..don't recall the name..was on the positives of HRT replacement..it was written by a Dr. and his wife..well i wasn't interested in using hrt..but one comment came out of that book..and it has stuck with me for a very long time..it was from the Dr. to the men of women in menopause..it went something like this..Men..please remember whatever your wife is saying to you now, the anger, the resentments coming out etc..is not something NEW she has just thought up..it has been there all along, building and hiding beneath the surface..these are things that have bothered her all along and now is the time she WILL speak them...i also think this book had a religious tone to it..i've read so many from ones like this to Indian customs of sitting on moss on a mountain side naked and just letting yourself bleed into Mother Nature....so far i'm leaning towards soy....

[Aunt B]

I've had men write to me about it all the time -- as though, "Wow, what's with my wife? Suddenly, our ideal marriage is ending because she's going through her changes." Sorry, my friend, but there are problems in your marriage that existed before menopause started.

Dearest, you are so right.  It is pent up anger from years ago and when we go through all of these horrible symptoms we suddenly realize or become bold enough to say "Wait a Minute."  Not only w/husbands but other family members, friends, co-workers, etc.

I also have had it with these women that look down on me because I am having such a horrible time with meno and they aren't.  Hurray for you!!!!!!!!!!  I feel like saying, "I wish you were in my shoes right now.  Lets see how you deal w/with them."

I have gotten into Tae-Bo Gold.  But I am having trouble w/cooridnation here.  LOL  I never was a physical fighter.  My son said he will show me how to box.  "Let no one fool w/me then."  LOL  :biggrin:

Huggssss

[MaryO]

Wow!  Thanks for the chocolate "reward", Dearest  Yummy!

[Kalanie]

Hi Barbie...  Wouldn't it be great if we ALL could get through this like some of those lucky women??  Maybe we should get a petition started or something...  :biggrin:    And, thanks very much for refreshing my memory about "trainers"...it is kind of a cute term, though.  :)

[Dearest]

"I have gotten into Tae-Bo Gold.  But I am having trouble w/cooridnation here.  LOL  I never was a physical fighter.  My son said he will show me how to box.  "Let no one fool w/me then."  LOL"

Uh oh! I can just see the next championship boxing match coming up and the referee announces, "And here's Beryl the Boxer in this corner!" :biggrin:

Dearest  

[Dearest]

"Wow!  Thanks for the chocolate "reward", Dearest "

You're very welcome, my chocolate loving friend :biggrin:

Dearest

[Kalanie]

Hey, Wildflowers... I could go for sitting on the moss on the mountain thingee...  I wonder how long I could get off of work for that?  :biggrin:

[wildflowers]

i remember more now of the "moss" book...the lady that wrote it (she also gives seminars all over,  can' recall the name anymore) at the beginning of the book had all of the symptoms listed in the power surge site....i mean loads of symptoms..she couldn't take it anymore..so she went to a dr. and got some form of hrt..then she started doing all of the moss type stuff and going to elders etc...while still taking hrt..so she took the synthetic stuff for the body to stop the bleeding/flashes etc.. and the Indian customs for her mind.. in coming to understand her body now and acceptance etc..i don't know how long she was on the moss lol..but probably not long if she was taking hrt..a few days maybe (she was under control by then  for the bleeding)..some of us would have to be up there for months....and have to have access to a lot of moss.......