Loss of Husband and dealing with Perimenopause Issues Options

[jan5745]

I lost my husband in January 2002 to lung cancer.  Going through the grieving process is so very difficult.  Now I am also dealing with Perimenopause issues on top of everything else.  Talk about a double whammy!  Some days are very difficult to get through.  I have been in counseling for over a year now and my counselor helps alot, but there are so many moments of feeling lost and alone with all of this.  I am taking it day by day as this is the best way to handle it all.  Grieving and going through Perimenopause at the same time is not a good mix.  Is there anyone else here going through the same things as me?

jan5745

[MrsUnderstood]

Hi Jan,     Welcome to Power Surge.   I'm sorry to hear of the death of your husband.   There are women dealing with all the events of this stage of life; someone will relate to your situation.   The second year of grief can often be more difficult because people tend to forget your loss still hurts deeply.   Be good to yourself and keep posting.   Take care!  ~Helen

[Gemini]

Oh Jan, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry about your husband. My loss does not compare to yours, in losing your life partner,but I lost a dear friend, in a terrible way, a year ago. I never knew if grieving made peri-meno worse, or vice versa, or both were just as they would have been without the other.As Helen says, we are always here to listen, so please talk to us whenever you like, if it helps.Take care of yourself, and be gentle with yourself at this time.

[jan5745]

Beth and Helen,

Thanks so much for your kind words.

Helen, You're so right about the second year and people sometimes forgetting about the loss.  The first year I was so busy with taking care of everything, and now I have more time to think about what has really happened.  Holidays, like today make it extra hard.  Add to the fact that my period is here and my hormones are all outa wack makes it a very difficult time.  

Beth,

Any kind of loss is hard.  I never in a million years,  thought that I would be in this situation. The mix of peri and grieving sometimes co-inside with each other.  My saddest moments are at certain times of my cycle and it gets to be overwhelming at times.

I hope today was good to both of you and thanks again for your sincere words.

(Edited by jan5745 at 7:42 pm on April 20, 2003)

[jimi]

(((((HUGS))))) Jan. I hope you continue to find comfort  in your grief and help for your meno symptoms in Power Surge. Any time you need some support, come in and have a chat (big chat room) we can be a great distraction sometimes, if nothing else. We will share some of our Mad Meno Moments.

jimi

(Edited by jimi at 3:44 pm on April 21, 2003)

[chriscarol]

Jan, <br> &nbsp; &nbsp; I can only imagine the difficulty of the stress<br>of losing your spouse, on top of perimenopause.<br>Your attitiude of taking each day as it comes is<br>healthy. &nbsp;Holidays can also evoke grief.<br>I hope you feel better after the period passes.

[jan5745]

chriscarol and jimi, thanks so much for your kind words!  Some days are so overwhelming it's hard to explain.... I just try to do the best I can day to day....

I hope you are taking care of yourselves!

[Kari]

Here's a big hug for you (((((((Jan))))))).

These ladies have given you some good advice. Come here and pour your heart out, go to the chat room, take antidepressants, do whatever you have to, just don't stay alone and dwell in your grief. My sister lost her husband two years ago to lung cancer and after the shock and busy part wore off she went into a deep depression and had to take antidepressants to come out of it. I called her at least 3 times a day just to chat and involve her in other life issues. Do you have sisters, or someone close you can unload your feelings onto? If not, come here........we're here for you.

Take care,

[jan5745]

Kari, Thank you so much for your kind words.  It sure has been a struggle with all of this going on.

I have spent a good dela of time here this weekend looking around such. I can tell you are all a great supporting group and this is wonderful!  

Just like with your sister....the first year, after all the shock  and business wears off  is when it hits, and it is hitting pretty hard lately with me.  I feel for your sister, cuz I know what she's been through.  That is very special of you to be there for her in time of need.  My sister and mom are pretty good at keepin in touch with me, which helps.  I do have a very good friend that I can confide in and she has been a god send to me.  Now I have you here at the board, and I have been blessed here too now.

You take care of yourself too, and hopefully I can help you with some support  as well, here on the board.

[jan5745]

Tomorrow is gonna be a tough day.  We bought some silk flowers and will spend some time at my husbands grave sight tomorrow for Fathers Day. How we wish he were here with us....He is dearly missed.  The wonderful memories of him are all that we have left now, and we have to make the best of them.

My son made it home from abroad, so at least he is home with us this weekend.  It's great having him home, as I missed him SO much for the 5 weeks that he was out of the country.  One phone call and a few emails were the only contact we had, and it was difficult not hearing his voice  but that one time.

We'll try to go out for breakfast and spend time as a family tomorrow, and just do the best we can....

[chriscarol]

&nbsp; &nbsp; Holidays classically evoke those heart rending<br>emotions caused by the death of a loved one.<br>Enjoy the time with your son. &nbsp;I remember hearing in<br>part of Bill Cosby's eulogy to his murdered son, he<br>stated how blessed they were to have known him.<br>This seems part of the memories we cherish.

[jan5745]

Thanks Chris.....The memories are what we have now..

How are you doing?

[paulinep]

Hi Jan

Just thought i'd say hi and i'm thinking of you.  There really is not alot i can say to make things better.  Just glab that your son made it home.  Where would we be without our kids.

Take carePauline

[LYNCHMOB]

Thinking of you, too, Jan, in dealing with your memory of someone you lost who was so precious to you. I hope you enjoy the time with your son.

[chriscarol]

Oh Jan, life sure isn't easy. &nbsp;We're here for you!!

[jan5745]

Pauline, Lynchmob, and Chris,

Thanks ladies...how sweet of you

Actually today has been worse than yesterday. Maybe it's because we kept busy yesterday and today I had time to think about it and reflect on everything.  I broke down a couple times, once at work , which I hate to do.......sigh.  These hormones are really giving me a tough time.  I hate this emotional roller coaster!

[LYNCHMOB]

Here's an extra {{{hug}}} for you, Jan, to help you through this day!

[jan5745]

Lynchmob, Aw You're so sweet, thanks!  Here's a {{HUG}} for you too.... Just because!

How are you doing?

Today seems better, so far at least, so that is a plus.

[Gemini]

(((( )))))) HUGS for you from me, Jan. All anniversaries and specal days are going to be hard, especially at first. They tell us it gets easier, and I'm sure it must in time.Take good care of yourself, Jan :)Love,

[jan5745]

Hi Beth, and thank you for the hugs,  and support {{HUGS}} back to you.

Yes, most deffinately the special occassions are always extra hard.

I miss him SO much....Words can't explain it.  

Not having him here to talk to, hold me, hear his laugh, see his smile,  and the list goes on.....is all very hard.

Throw in peri and all the emotions that goes with it,  along with grieving, and it's overwhelming at times.

I have learned many things.  The most important one being......

Don't ever take anything or anyone for granted, as you never know when it can be taken away from you.

I hope you have a good day........Remember to stop and smell the roses

[Gemini]

I agree with you Jan. We should make the most of the good times, spend time with the people we care about, let them know they mean a lot to us. Sadly, life is too short, so we can't waste it.Hope you have good day.

[LYNCHMOB]

What a valuable lesson you have shared with us, Jan. It is so true that we take so much for granted. Sometimes when I feel in a complaining mood I just say, STOP! Think of all the things you DO have that others don't! And when I began to think along those lines, I realize how blessed I really am. Thanks for sharing with us, Jan. Here's hoping each day gets a little better.

[Liz51]

Jan,I hope you will get professional help if your grief begins to totally overwhelm you.  So often people try to "tough it out" or think they can handle it on their own, and it just isn't possible sometimes.  Talking to a professional can help put things into perspective and gives you someone to talk to that isn't emotionally involved in your loss.  Sometimes we are so busy comforting others, that we forget to comfort ourselves.  

I've heard it said that you need to complete a full year before the grief begins to fade - you need to go through all the seasons and all the holidays and anniversaries before you can start to heal.  My heart goes out to you  and I'll include you in my prayers.

[chriscarol]

Oh Jan,<br> &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;I've already told my husband, I'd miss him madly if<br>he died. &nbsp;I'm quite sensitive, and the lady across the<br>street died, around Christmas. &nbsp;Except for a passing<br>hello, we didn't know each other well. &nbsp;I did notice her<br>poor husband didn't sleep at the house for months,<br>since I only saw signs of him seldomly. &nbsp;I could<br>only imagine, how terribly heartbroken he must <br>have been to avoid even staying in the house.<br> &nbsp; &nbsp; Many years ago, my sister's 21 year old son<br>committed suicide. &nbsp;She healed, and so shall you.<br>My heart goes out to you. &nbsp;Holidays and<br>anniversaries will likely always be reminders.<br>You sound like you were blessed with a wonderful<br>marriage. &nbsp;Maybe a journal in which you speak with<br>your husband could be healing. &nbsp;Each person<br>handles grief in their own manner, within their own<br>time frame. &nbsp;Counseling could be helpful, perhaps.<br>Did you enjoy the time with your son?

[chriscarol]

Oh yes, you are in counseling. &nbsp;Sorry, I forgot. &nbsp;I<br>still say let your grief and perimenopause run<br>their course. Death and perimenopause can make<br>us realize, how much is truly out of our control in<br>this fleeting journey, called life.

[jan5745]

Wow, Thanks for all of your responses and thoughtfulness ladies. They are much appreciated

Beth, You hit it right on the head!  Our lives get so busy sometimes, that we can forget to take that time.....How are things going with you?

Lynchmob,  The important thing is, that you DO stop and think, about it and that is wonderful!   I count my blessings alot more now than I used to, that's for sure.  How are things going with you?  Taking good care of yourself I hope.

Liz,  I have been in counseling for 15 months now, and my counselor has been wonderful.  I did finally break down and try an anti depressent a couple weeks ago, but had a terrible reaction from it, so I am going to try another route (vitamins, relaxation, etc) which will hopefully help these emotional times.  I have completed the first year of grief, and it was a difficult year for sure.  Going into the second year is hard too, because everything has slowed down, and I am not constantly dealing with all of the legalities, medical payments etc.  Also people tend to get back to their normal lives and come around less often now.  This all gives me more time to think and be sad at times, which makes me realize how much I miss him still.  I tell ya one thing.. you learn who your real friends are after something like this happens...Those that really care, still keep in touch, those that don't drift away, and that's another thing that is hard to deal with.  How are you coping with everything?  Not having to many tough times I hope??

Chris, You're on the right track.  Keep telling the ones you love, how much you love them.  You can't say it enough.  I'm sure your neighbors heart IS breaking, and I can feel his pain..it hurts!  I am verry sorry to hear about your sisters son... She has had to go through this as well, and knows that it takes alot of time to heal.  My heart  goes out to her....  My son is still here...will be till August, and it's WONDERFUL having him home again!  Thanks for asking about him.  I know you have issues that you are dealing with too now, and I hope and pray that you can overcome them one step at a time.  Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you along with this ok? My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Please take care of yourselves.  It's good to know that we can come here and be around others that are truly understanding of what we all go through with this wicked thing called Meno...

[jan5745]

Today has been a very tough day.  Holidays always are.  Kids out doing their own thing, and I haven't been feeling well enough to venture out.  It's period time once again, with heavy flow, cramps galore, D,  and the emotions took over today. It's times like these that makes the grieving so much worse.  I miss my husband so much and have shed alot of tears today. The lonliness s*cks........

Remember to tell your husbands/boyfriends that you love them, and remember to stop and smell the roses.  Be grateful for everything that you have been blessed with, as you never know when something tragic will happen that will change your life forever........

I have met alot of wonderful supportive women here and I thank you for being so caring. It makes it easier to cope from day to day when we all have someone to lean on during difficult times.  

[vgladden2]

Jan--I'm so sorry today was as difficult as it was.  I'm sending prayers for you and yours and hoping that the ache eases and that you are feeling better. We had a decent day but I blew up at just about everyone in my whole family a few hours ago and now feel like crap. Did anyway but seeing your post reminded me of how much I take for granted.

Hugs,Vicki G

[chriscarol]

Jan,<br> &nbsp; &nbsp;I know you were having tummy troubles and <br>your period. &nbsp;Once the period passes I think<br>you'll feel better. &nbsp;Holidays will be rough,<br>but time will diminish the heartache of losing<br>your soulmate. &nbsp;Let those cleansing tears flow.<br>Do something nice for yourself today, Jan.

[paulinep]

Jan

Just thought i'd say hello and that i'm thinking of you at this difficult time. As chris says do something nice for yourself today. Talk to you soon.

Take carePauline