Sexual issues Options

[Pearly1]

I've been reading this board for a few months & decided to join and throw my two cents in.

I'm 50 and still getting periods a few times a year, although it's tapered off quite a bit.

Most women here complain they're no longer interested in sex and some guys posting about their wives have that same issue.

My issue is a bit different than most. I'm glad for the anonymity of this board because I am so afraid to discuss this with anyone.

I'm still interested in sex--not as much as I used to be, but I still find it pleasurable. My husband, however, has a very low sex drive. He's always had it pretty much, but now that we're older it's much worse. I think my own interest has tapered off not because of meno or peri but because I"m tired of always being the one to make overtures. Then I feel like he's doing "it" just to shut me up or pacify me so he can go back to sleep.
When we do make love, he can't seem to maintain an erection long enough to satisfy me, let alone himself. He did mention this to his doctor and bloodwork revealed he has a low testosterone level. The doctor remarked that he should "use it or lose it." In other words, the low hormone level may be due to his lack of sexual activity. This seems to be putting the cart before the horse, so to speak.
I've blamed myself for this, then I blame him-but ultimately I am so sad. I know it's not the most important thing in life, and we do have a really good relationship otherwise. He loves to cuddle and is a very wonderful, gentle loving soul and I still consider him my best friend. But I'm not ready to say uncle and give up our sex life. We actually went one whole year without making love. And even now I'm counting the days. The last time we did make love was Valentine's Day. We tried this morning, but he just couldn't complete it.

I don't know what to do anymore. Like I said, I'm more sad than anything. Can anyone relate?
Please tell me I'm not alone. I think it hurts him when I tell him to go back to the doctor. Waht can I do???

[Texasgirl]

I think most of the women here do have the opposite problem, but you are certainly not alone. This could very well be my own story. My husband and I have been married 30 years this summer. He hasn't been interested in sex in over 10 years. And even before that, sex was very infrequent. I've lost count many years ago at how many nights I've cried myself to sleep because I felt so unloved and unwanted. He swears up and down that he loves me but I just don't know anymore. He can be very sweet, write a great love letter, or give me flowers for every occasion. But there is no touching except a peck on the lips when leaving for work and a hug about once a month. That's it. He is impotent and tried Viagra many years ago but decided he didn't like it anymore. He will not talk about it with me at all and if I do bring it up he gets defensive and angry. The first 10 years of marriage we were like rabbits. This didn't happen overnight. It's something I think about everyday and wonder why I've stayed with him all these years, but the fact is I have. And now I just can't walk away.

I hope your situation gets better for you. I wish I had some miracle advice. I mainly wanted you to know you're not alone.

[JZZ]

Hey Pearly, Sounds like your husbands doc was insensitive to say "use it or lose it" when he showed a low testosterone blood level. Perhaps he can get fda approved testosterone that insurance would cover. Or, try the different types of ED drugs. ie-Viagara, Cialis, etc. But, if he showed a low testosterone that's where I'd start if it were me. Counseling might be helpful but men can get very hesitant to discuss their sexual issues. Perhaps you can talk to your gyn or internist and see what they suggest in handling this issue. Sending your husband off with "use it or lose it" is about as helpful as telling the Peri/meno women the equivalent advice. It wasn't until I supplemented with some e Vag cream that my dryness issues, and pain, and UI subsided. Telling me to "use it or lose it" (in regard to sex), along with using ky only turned the both of us into gooey Gummi bears. lol My advice is to get to the root of the problem, fix it, and not just treat the symptoms in a scattered approach. Good luck and do not be ashamed in regard to sex. It is a VERY important Quality of Life Issue. Best regards, J.

[Bookworm56]

I can't believe his doctor is such a clod.

While I understand that there is an element of truth in that testosterone levels will decline as you age and if you are not as sexually active, his doctor should really have taken him seriously enough to investigate other avenues.
If you can rule out any serious underlying medical conditions (just for your peace of mind), then perhaps you could see a sex therapist. Is he depressed? Stressed out at work? Does he get enough exercise? Enough rest?


These are some things to consider. Your psychological and physical state can affect so many things, not the least of which is your libido.


Hang in there and just keep loving him like you do. I'm sure you will find a way through this.

[Pearly1]

Thank you all for your responses. Its good to know I'm not alone.

You've all given me some things to think about. Now, if I can just discuss these with my husband without him thinking I'm being critical.

[Bookworm56]

Interesting that no guys on the board chimed in on this one.

Come on, fellas. What do you think?

Just curious.

[JZZ]

Thank you all for your responses. Its good to know I'm not alone.

You've all given me some things to think about. Now, if I can just discuss these with my husband without him thinking I'm being critical.

Hey Pearly, Good luck with the hubby! Remember to blame us if makes the discussion easier!! We're here for you!!! Best Regards, J.

[Pearly1]

Interesting that no guys on the board chimed in on this one.

Come on, fellas. What do you think?

Just curious.

I didn't know there were guys on this board, too, but am now reading through some of their posts.
Pretty enlightening, but doesn't seem like most of them could relate to my problem.

[njw753]

Your husband needs testosterone! Guys can get the bioidentical hormone pellets of testosterone which will restore his libido! I've been getting them for 5 years along with estrogen pellets and my sex drive went from nothing to OMG! lol.

Search my name as read my story and information about the pellets.

There is also a product called Androgel. Many men use this and it restores their sex drive. It's by prescription only.

http://www.androgel.com/

There are options and just because one doctor is ignorant, doesn't mean help is not available. Don't give up!

I didn't know there were guys on this board, too, but am now reading through some of their posts.
Pretty enlightening, but doesn't seem like most of them could relate to my problem.

[Divine Miss Kim]

I've been reading this board for a few months & decided to join and throw my two cents in.

I'm 50 and still getting periods a few times a year, although it's tapered off quite a bit.

Most women here complain they're no longer interested in sex and some guys posting about their wives have that same issue.

My issue is a bit different than most. I'm glad for the anonymity of this board because I am so afraid to discuss this with anyone.

I'm still interested in sex--not as much as I used to be, but I still find it pleasurable. My husband, however, has a very low sex drive. He's always had it pretty much, but now that we're older it's much worse. I think my own interest has tapered off not because of meno or peri but because I"m tired of always being the one to make overtures. Then I feel like he's doing "it" just to shut me up or pacify me so he can go back to sleep.
When we do make love, he can't seem to maintain an erection long enough to satisfy me, let alone himself. He did mention this to his doctor and bloodwork revealed he has a low testosterone level. The doctor remarked that he should "use it or lose it." In other words, the low hormone level may be due to his lack of sexual activity. This seems to be putting the cart before the horse, so to speak.
I've blamed myself for this, then I blame him-but ultimately I am so sad. I know it's not the most important thing in life, and we do have a really good relationship otherwise. He loves to cuddle and is a very wonderful, gentle loving soul and I still consider him my best friend. But I'm not ready to say uncle and give up our sex life. We actually went one whole year without making love. And even now I'm counting the days. The last time we did make love was Valentine's Day. We tried this morning, but he just couldn't complete it.

I don't know what to do anymore. Like I said, I'm more sad than anything. Can anyone relate?
Please tell me I'm not alone. I think it hurts him when I tell him to go back to the doctor. Waht can I do???

Oh Pearly... at 51, and still having pretty much regular periods, can I ever relate to your challenges... and it's not something most friends want to hear because they just don't get it. Thank goodness for this site and board!

Now let me give you some good news from my point of view: the fact that your husband will even talk to a doctor about this is HUGE (no pun intended... ). My husband blames it all on the anti-depressants he takes as part of his pain management program, but the truth is he's been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which has a large mental health component to it, but he is in complete denial and refuses to address the issue anymore. He even got Viagra from his doctor, but with no libido, he has zero interest in taking the pills... so I'm flying solo.

Your husband needs to see another doctor, perhaps one who is a little younger and doesn't believe that this happens to every man as they age. Nothing against doctors our age, but attitudes about medicine and sex have changed so much since doctors our age were in medical school. Keep looking until you find someone who will take this seriously. Life is much too short to be so unhappy.

[mydarling]

I've been reading this board for a few months & decided to join and throw my two cents in.

I'm 50 and still getting periods a few times a year, although it's tapered off quite a bit.

Most women here complain they're no longer interested in sex and some guys posting about their wives have that same issue.

My issue is a bit different than most. I'm glad for the anonymity of this board because I am so afraid to discuss this with anyone.

I'm still interested in sex--not as much as I used to be, but I still find it pleasurable. My husband, however, has a very low sex drive. He's always had it pretty much, but now that we're older it's much worse. I think my own interest has tapered off not because of meno or peri but because I"m tired of always being the one to make overtures. Then I feel like he's doing "it" just to shut me up or pacify me so he can go back to sleep.
When we do make love, he can't seem to maintain an erection long enough to satisfy me, let alone himself. He did mention this to his doctor and bloodwork revealed he has a low testosterone level. The doctor remarked that he should "use it or lose it." In other words, the low hormone level may be due to his lack of sexual activity. This seems to be putting the cart before the horse, so to speak.
I've blamed myself for this, then I blame him-but ultimately I am so sad. I know it's not the most important thing in life, and we do have a really good relationship otherwise. He loves to cuddle and is a very wonderful, gentle loving soul and I still consider him my best friend. But I'm not ready to say uncle and give up our sex life. We actually went one whole year without making love. And even now I'm counting the days. The last time we did make love was Valentine's Day. We tried this morning, but he just couldn't complete it.

I don't know what to do anymore. Like I said, I'm more sad than anything. Can anyone relate?
Please tell me I'm not alone. I think it hurts him when I tell him to go back to the doctor. Waht can I do???

TELL HIM TO EAT OYSTERS! You can eat them raw, or out of a can....and you can buy them anywhere.....he should google natural remidies for low testosterone........or, foods to boost testosterone.....there are many, and one of the best........IS OYSTERS! Believe me.....it takes a few days, but one can a day, and he'll be much more.....shall we say..."energetic"..lol..

[Fried]

Heck sometimes I think I could live with out it forever

[CelticTigress]

Interesting that no guys on the board chimed in on this one.

Come on, fellas. What do you think?

Just curious.

C'mon... when did you ever hear a man admit to no interest in sex? They would usually have us believe they're up and ready for it 24/7!

[Bookworm56]

C'mon... when did you ever hear a man admit to no interest in sex? They would usually have us believe they're up and ready for it 24/7!

[wordsmith]

Sometimes it can be blood pressure medication doing that, or anti-depressants.

Or sometimes, heart disease is an underlying cause of erectile dysfunction.

But how, oh how, to get him to a doctor gracefully without hurt feelings?

You can research anti-aging doctors in your area, and then suggest you go together. Say you need some hormonal boosting too and say you heard and read that supplemental hormones can make you live longer.

Sexuality is an indicator of health, so I would be concerned, 50's are still pretty young. If anti-aging docs are too expensive, perhaps a referral to a urologist.

This is a tough one. Men are so dang sensitive about this.

[Texasgirl]

Sometimes it can be blood pressure medication doing that, or anti-depressants.

Or sometimes, heart disease is an underlying cause of erectile dysfunction.

But how, oh how, to get him to a doctor gracefully without hurt feelings?

You can research anti-aging doctors in your area, and then suggest you go together. Say you need some hormonal boosting too and say you heard and read that supplemental hormones can make you live longer.

Sexuality is an indicator of health, so I would be concerned, 50's are still pretty young. If anti-aging docs are too expensive, perhaps a referral to a urologist.

This is a tough one. Men are so dang sensitive about this.

Mine won't even talk about it. He'll get so defensive we can't have a normal conversation. I'm totally on my own and have had no choice but to accept my sexless life. This has been going on for so long, and my resentment so huge that the arguement is not even worth it anymore.

[Shebee]

I've been reading this board for a few months & decided to join and throw my two cents in.

I'm 50 and still getting periods a few times a year, although it's tapered off quite a bit.

Most women here complain they're no longer interested in sex and some guys posting about their wives have that same issue.

My issue is a bit different than most. I'm glad for the anonymity of this board because I am so afraid to discuss this with anyone.

I'm still interested in sex--not as much as I used to be, but I still find it pleasurable. My husband, however, has a very low sex drive. He's always had it pretty much, but now that we're older it's much worse. I think my own interest has tapered off not because of meno or peri but because I"m tired of always being the one to make overtures. Then I feel like he's doing "it" just to shut me up or pacify me so he can go back to sleep.
When we do make love, he can't seem to maintain an erection long enough to satisfy me, let alone himself. He did mention this to his doctor and bloodwork revealed he has a low testosterone level. The doctor remarked that he should "use it or lose it." In other words, the low hormone level may be due to his lack of sexual activity. This seems to be putting the cart before the horse, so to speak.
I've blamed myself for this, then I blame him-but ultimately I am so sad. I know it's not the most important thing in life, and we do have a really good relationship otherwise. He loves to cuddle and is a very wonderful, gentle loving soul and I still consider him my best friend. But I'm not ready to say uncle and give up our sex life. We actually went one whole year without making love. And even now I'm counting the days. The last time we did make love was Valentine's Day. We tried this morning, but he just couldn't complete it.

I don't know what to do anymore. Like I said, I'm more sad than anything. Can anyone relate?
Please tell me I'm not alone. I think it hurts him when I tell him to go back to the doctor. Waht can I do???

He needs hormones...testosterone. My doctor treats men, too. LOL! He is gyn/ob. Find a compounding pharmacy in your area. Ask them what doctors use compounded hormones and injectable testosterone. As men age, their levels go down. This is not your fault or his. It just happens. I can't believe that your doc did not suggest supplementing hormones...especially when he Knew his testosterone level was down. You might want to try some, too! LOL!

[NiteOwl]

You don't even need a compounding doctor for this. His family doc can prescribe Androgel or Testim, both bioidentical testosterone gel replacements that you can fill at your local pharmacy. When my hubby first started on it several years ago the local CVS didn't have it in stock and had to order a supply in...now they keep a full shelf of it, it's become very common for docs to prescribe for men!