Desire gone/husband upset, My sexual desire is gone, my husband won't understand Options

[TerryD]

I'm 49, had a hysterectomy 5 yrs ago. My sexual desire is pretty well gone. I'm disgusted with touching my husband in sexual manner let alone being able to have sex. If we do it's because he wants at least "something". I don't want anything but go thru the motions anyway. I'm left with being upset or crying. My husband, the man whom I love dearly, is heartless in this matter. It's his contention that he is deserving of at least some kind of sexual act at least once a week. I have tried to explain the medical side of it, he doesn't really care. He even makes coments to our friends about all the things that are"broken" on me. Is there anyone out their in this position? How do I handle my inconsiderate husband?

[she_beast]

I so badly want to answer this post, but I'm not going to really comment because what I have to say about you husband's behavior is really UGLY. Just know this, in my opinion, he's out of line...WAY OUT OF LINE!

[CarolH]

Maybe it's his attitude that is turning you off and not your libido.

I'm usually in the husband's camp in this area because I do think that it's wrong for us to ask them to live without sex simply because we aren't in the mood. It would be different if we were incapable and there are women who bleed so badly that sex is out of the question but... I am NEVER in the mood to do dishes however the alternative is worse.. that's the way I feel about having sex.. I may not be in the mood but sharing DH with another woman or even a magazine is the worse alternative so I choose to get in the mood. We're talking an hour once a week. A gift of love for your husband whom you love dearly.

All that being said.. my DH is smart enough to know that if he should EVER comment on my being broken ESPECIALLY in the bedroom he would not live through the night. Seriously.... that is just sooo wrong. I hope you have told him so. It's hard to be intimate with someone you can't trust and you can't trust someone who is going to disrespect you to others.

I'll be thinking of you,

[Armadillo]

I believe CarolH is right. You don't have a problem. You husband IS the problem. In your own words, you describe him as "heartless" and he "doesn't care" and he complains about you in public. This is reprehensible behavior. Have you told him how you feel about this? And if so, does he care?

There is not a woman alive who could ever feel sexy with a man who behaves like this, and treats you so badly. Even if he looks like George Cloony, there is no way I could have any romantic feelings for him. I wish you the best, but perhaps you husband needs an attitude adjustment or some marriage counselling. Good luck to you.

[KrissyK]

I dunno and will probably catch grief for this post, but here it goes:

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. In many people's book that's not long but in mine and knowing that I could barely keep a relationship alive in the past for more than a few years...it's a milestone. When hubby and I first met...I could not get enough in the bedroom. I would have sex with him in the parking lot, at the office, in the kitchen, etc. Wherever, we would "do it," we would attempt itl and it ranged from NOT just "intercourse," if you get my meaning.... it was an "anything goes" type attitude.

Suddenly, I'm in menopause. I don't want to have sex. At times, I find it appalling. I'm tired, I'm "dry" and I am simply "not in the mood." How do I expect him to react to this after years of sexual aerobics? Should he be "understanding" and "sympathetic?" or should he be like..."What the F***?" I don't know what would be the correct response.

For years I've told hubby that he was "hot" and "a stud" and "could make any woman's mouth water." Now suddenly, I've gone dry and cold. Shouldn't I feel a "wee" bit responsible and willing to get some help?

For me personally...I'm still struggling, but I'm hoping just the same.

K

[TerryD]

I dunno and will probably catch grief for this post, but here it goes:

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. In many people's book that's not long but in mine and knowing that I could barely keep a relationship alive in the past for more than a few years...it's a milestone. When hubby and I first met...I could not get enough in the bedroom. I would have sex with him in the parking lot, at the office, in the kitchen, etc. Wherever, we would "do it," we would attempt itl and it ranged from NOT just "intercourse," if you get my meaning.... it was an "anything goes" type attitude.

Suddenly, I'm in menopause. I don't want to have sex. At times, I find it appalling. I'm tired, I'm "dry" and I am simply "not in the mood." How do I expect him to react to this after years of sexual aerobics? Should he be "understanding" and "sympathetic?" or should he be like..."What the F***?" I don't know what would be the correct response.

For years I've told hubby that he was "hot" and "a stud" and "could make any woman's mouth water." Now suddenly, I've gone dry and cold. Shouldn't I feel a "wee" bit responsible and willing to get some help?

For me personally...I'm still struggling, but I'm hoping just the same.

K

Thank you Krissy for your reply as well as everyone else. I feel better. I'm tearing up as I type. We will be married 14 years tomorow. I was like you in the begining. 2-3 times a day person. Then we started slowing down which I believe to be normal. A few years up to (they found some cancer and alot of my vulva tissue was removed, this is what led to the hysterectomy) and after the hysterectomy was when things really slowed down. Now I find some aspects of sex repulsive and many times I just go thru the motions so he gets the "satisfaction" that he complains about. I have printed some things out about menopause. I will try, once again, to talk to him about it.
Thank you for the support!
TerryD

[TerryD]

I believe CarolH is right. You don't have a problem. You husband IS the problem. In your own words, you describe him as "heartless" and he "doesn't care" and he complains about you in public. This is reprehensible behavior. Have you told him how you feel about this? And if so, does he care?

There is not a woman alive who could ever feel sexy with a man who behaves like this, and treats you so badly. Even if he looks like George Cloony, there is no way I could have any romantic feelings for him. I wish you the best, but perhaps you husband needs an attitude adjustment or some marriage counselling. Good luck to you.

I did speak to my husband about his public insults. He honestly didn't think he was doing anything wrong. He said he was just "joking" around. I let him know that it hurts alot and not to do it again. My main two problems with him is that he feels he should get some kind of sexual gratification from me at least once a week. He acts like its his right and that he is intitled to it. How do I get him out of this mind set? Please tell me that it shouldn't be this way. The second problem is intimacy. I love on him alot out of the bedroom. Holding hands, kissing, hugging, patting the booty ect....His show of intimacy, out of the bedroom, is rare. I usually have to initiate anything to get attention. But in the bedroom the roles switch. I try to stay as far away as I can because I know he will try to initiate some kind of sexual act. He gets unhappy because there is no intimacy in bed. I try to explain that about 99% of the time when I try to cuddle he immediatly tries to get something out of me (I've gotten to where I dread backrubs because this is his main leadin to other things). This is a horrible stand off between the two of us.

I want to ask you, as well as everyone out there, how often is often enough? What would you, or anyone else, feel that giving up some kind of unwanted sex (to meet some of his needs) is often enough? Am I being crazy, stingy or uncaring?

Thank you, Armidillo

[Armadillo]

I want to ask you, as well as everyone out there, how often is often enough? What would you, or anyone else, feel that giving up some kind of unwanted sex (to meet some of his needs) is often enough? Am I being crazy, stingy or uncaring?

Thank you, Armidillo

What I feel is "enough" is different from what you feel is "enough". I refuse to quote a number of times a month/week/day that I have sex, because that number is meaningless to anyone besides my husband and me. Personally, I sometimes have sex with my husband when I am not in the mood, because it pleases me to be able to give him pleasure, and I usually end up having some enjoyment myself. But I do not have cancer, suffer from vaginal dryness, or have pain during intercourse, either. If I did, I would hope that my husband would respect that, and be understanding.

I also understand that my husband looks at intimacy much differently than I do. He becomes sexually excited if I have close physical contact, like hugging, cuddling and playful touching, while I do not. To me, physical closeness is just a comforting gesture. To him, it's a prelude to sex.

Perhaps you could speak to your doctor about this. Testosterone for women is known to increase libido and intensify orgasm. There are many lubricants for vaginal dryness, and other treatments for pain during intercourse.

Ultimately, this is a personal matter that can only be worked out between you and your husband. I wish you well.

[NiteOwl]

Once a week does not sound unreasonable if you are otherwise healthy. Since you previously enjoyed an active sex life I echo Armadillo in that you may want to consider seeing your doctor to see where your hormone levels are now.

[momzoffour]

I've hesitated how to post my opinion in here because I have not had to deal with the problem of my husband making comments towards my lack of interest. But there was a time when I was a sahm with 3 young children and I was a fighting what was surely depression as the days sometimes just ran one into another......

As a result, our sex life went down the tubes...hubbie would get very upset and I remember how much we drifted apart: he holding a grudge after another cold shoulder and me wondering what the heck was wrong with me...

Once the kids were older and I went back to work, I started feeling better about myself, and my drive righted itself. Now, we're actually more active than ever (amazing what having a house to yourself does for "spontaneous encounters" )

Looking back, I'm sure some marriage counseling and maybe some ADs would have corrected it quicker which is what I might suggest for you ladies....

And remember, the sex drive begins in the brain and if you're smarting from yet another zinger about your lack of interest, I'm sure that sex switch is going to remain in the OFF positon a lot

I wish you well and hope some of our thoughts are helpful

momz

[TerryD]

Thank you everyone for your replies and advise. I feel so empowered now. I have learned that my husband is being a bit of a butthead! I will definitly discuss this with him (although he will not admit anything is wrong) and I will not always subject myself to anymore unwanted sexual acts. I will, though, give up something every once in while because he does, I believe, needs his relief. I will see a ob/gyn, once again, and take him with me to talk about menopause and a possible inbalance.
I love ya'll!! Thank you so much!!

[DesRothchild]

I have no sex drive anymore, either, but I really do think my husband is "entitled" to have his needs met, because he would do it for me if the tables were turned. That's just my opinion. It's not always intercourse; there are other ways. I use an estrogen suppository just once a week for vaginal atrophy (this one does not go into the system).

I never thought so before, but I think men stay more interested in sex than women as they age. I don't want my husband to feel neglected, and I don't want him to desire other women just because he doesn't get enough sex.

That's how I feel, but again, I have a loving husband who cares for me, and I want to make him happy. He works 60 hours a week and is under a lot of stress and this is a small request, I feel, for all he does for me.

[joliejacq]

I would never, ever have sex when I didn't feel like it. Did I do this as a young woman? - yes.. and I don't think I should have.

Women speak so often about their men being uncommunicative. Would your man "get chatty" with you because he feels he
"owes" you a little talk time? I hardly think so.

And how on earth would a bumble-head who makes unkind comments about you in public, expect that you'd want to fall into his arms at night?

Men can be sooooooooo clueless.

JJ

[DesRothchild]

I would never, ever have sex when I didn't feel like it.
JJ

On occasion, I would agree completely. But what if you never "feel like it," so never do? I would suggest a normally sexual man would have a very miserable life if it were sexless. Does no one remember what it was like to be horny? Well, I do and I don't think I would have stayed in a sexless marriage (even a disabled person can satisfy a partner if he wants to). If he didn't even try, that would tell me something.

The husband in question does sound a bit heartless, AND it is inexcusable to take something public. Marital counseling could help. I don't think a couple will make it if one partner wants regular sex and the other never wants it (or rather, refuses to do it). Or there will be tremendous resentment, in any case.

<<<<Would your man "get chatty" with you because he feels he
"owes" you a little talk time? I hardly think so.>>>>>>

Mine does things all of the time that he doesn't want to do because he knows I like to do them (and yes, he'll even get chatty, if I complain he's not talking enough). He hates, hates, hates looking at model homes, which I love, so every month or so he says, "Do you want to go look at the new development in XXXX city?" Again, maybe I just have a good one. And he's worth keeping.

[mysticforest]

I'm 49, had a hysterectomy 5 yrs ago. My sexual desire is pretty well gone. I'm disgusted with touching my husband in sexual manner let alone being able to have sex. If we do it's because he wants at least "something". I don't want anything but go thru the motions anyway. I'm left with being upset or crying. My husband, the man whom I love dearly, is heartless in this matter. It's his contention that he is deserving of at least some kind of sexual act at least once a week. I have tried to explain the medical side of it, he doesn't really care. He even makes coments to our friends about all the things that are"broken" on me. Is there anyone out their in this position? How do I handle my inconsiderate husband?

[mysticforest]

I'm 49, had a hysterectomy 5 yrs ago. My sexual desire is pretty well gone. I'm disgusted with touching my husband in sexual manner let alone being able to have sex. If we do it's because he wants at least "something". I don't want anything but go thru the motions anyway. I'm left with being upset or crying. My husband, the man whom I love dearly, is heartless in this matter. It's his contention that he is deserving of at least some kind of sexual act at least once a week. I have tried to explain the medical side of it, he doesn't really care. He even makes coments to our friends about all the things that are"broken" on me. Is there anyone out their in this position? How do I handle my inconsiderate husband?

[mysticforest]

[color="#0000FF"][/color][size="2"][/size]
Terri, Sorry, for that typo error. Excuse me.
Well, I feel like you do, I cry, I get frustrated and feel indept, unsexual, blah, blah,blah. Anyway, I am too turning 50 next mos. and I too had a hysterc. atleast 10 yrs. ago. Became meno. when I was 38 but I did no realize it; therefore, Dr;'s put me on Zanaz for anxiety and Zoloft for depression, hello??? I didn't know any better. God Bles us! Well I soon experienced night sweats and I called my GYN and she put me on Estrogen. didn't help. Made things worse. Sooner, or later, to speak I met and employee I hired who turned me on to Progesterone Cream . I gave up everything else except the progesterone cr. and I felt NO anxiety. no sweats. Now. after 6 yrs. of using it the cream that is; I still feel irregegular hot flashes. But I've noticed this past yr. that I have no libido. No sex life at all. My hubby and I try and it is tight and it hurts. So.... Lately, I've been giving him hand jobs. I cannot handle blow jobs anymore. Sorry. Can't So I try to take care of him that way, It works. So there you go. Do it! If it pleases him, hey what have you got to lose?

I am not judging, but your hubby sounds un-understanding to me. Give me a break. This is Life. So get with the program. He needs to deal with it. Hello? My husband does not judge me at all, He loves me. He appreciates that I take care of him. So.. there you go. Hey, I feel like "****" OK? I do. I hate it. I hate myself. I feel frustrated and all. But it's like I cannot control my body. It *****.

Yes, you and I need some release too. I just don't konw what . Bkz. I too don't feel horny or sexual you know? I feel knumb. It stinks. Anyway, Terri , you are not alone. God Bless that I met you and I don't feel alone either .

What do we do? I don't know, just wait till it passes I guess. That's what I do. I eat healthy. and all so I don't know why I feel like this. But I do. Your husband should be more compassionate really. He should be.

Let's stay in touch, Ok? Nice to meet you Terri. God Bless Us Both, Susan

[mysticforest]

Terri , I see you are from Michigan. I live im the U. P. here. Homebodies. here. eh?

[mysticforest]

Terri , I see you are from Michigan. I live im the U. P. here. Homebodies. here.

I hate this message board. You hit a button, and oh well there you go. Off there. you see my initial posts, Blah. I live along U. S. Hwy. 2 in Blaney Park Area. MY email is susan@upsugarshack.com write me. ok? we can support each other and maybe someday meet some day. You are Ok. as is am I. We are OK. We are alright. Just mid=life crappola. I hope anyway. I feel nothing anymore. And I know how you feel. Stay in toudh.

Hugs. Susan

[mysticforest]

I have no sex drive anymore, either, but I really do think my husband is "entitled" to have his needs met, because he would do it for me if the tables were turned. That's just my opinion. It's not always intercourse; there are other ways. I use an estrogen suppository just once a week for vaginal atrophy (this one does not go into the system).

I never thought so before, but I think men stay more interested in sex than women as they age. I don't want my husband to feel neglected, and I don't want him to desire other women just because he doesn't get enough sex.

That's how I feel, but again, I have a loving husband who cares for me, and I want to make him happy. He works 60 hours a week and is under a lot of stress and this is a small request, I feel, for all he does for me.

[mysticforest]

I have no sex drive anymore, either, but I really do think my husband is "entitled" to have his needs met, because he would do it for me if the tables were turned. That's just my opinion. It's not always intercourse; there are other ways. I use an estrogen suppository just once a week for vaginal atrophy (this one does not go into the system).

I never thought so before, but I think men stay more interested in sex than women as they age. I don't want my husband to feel neglected, and I don't want him to desire other women just because he doesn't get enough sex.

That's how I feel, but again, I have a loving husband who cares for me, and I want to make him happy. He works 60 hours a week and is under a lot of stress and this is a small request, I feel, for all he does for me.

[mysticforest]

Does that estrogen suppository work for you? I find I am dry and tight. And I've used vaginal cream it' does not help. Well if it works. Let me know. My sex life stinks.

[DesRothchild]

Does that estrogen suppository work for you? I find I am dry and tight. And I've used vaginal cream it' does not help. Well if it works. Let me know. My sex life stinks.

It works COMPLETELY. I'm supposed to use it 2 times a week, but can get away with once usually, and my doctor said it is NOT systemic (stays locally, but not all of them do), so it won't help the hot flashes, but a miracle in the vagina.

[leanne0721]

It works COMPLETELY. I'm supposed to use it 2 times a week, but can get away with once usually, and my doctor said it is NOT systemic (stays locally, but not all of them do), so it won't help the hot flashes, but a miracle in the vagina.

AGREED!! I don't even insert it. I use just a bit (about the size of a lima bean), I put it around the vulva, on the clitoris, and just rub it in for a moment. It takes just a second to apply. I do this 2-3 times a week, and it perked everything right up!

[Ethans NaNa]

Hello, What type and strength of estrogen cream/suppository are you using. Is it estrace or estriol or estradiol? Is it an Rx from your Dr. Is it compounded or a regular prescription available at a pharmacy? I have been using testosterone cream (compounded) 2 mg. (1 ml) per day on vulva area. It does perk things up but a side effect is hair growth, there and on chin. I just shave the hair away on chin and on other area, it doesn't show to anyone but us.

Thanks,
EN

AGREED!! I don't even insert it. I use just a bit (about the size of a lima bean), I put it around the vulva, on the clitoris, and just rub it in for a moment. It takes just a second to apply. I do this 2-3 times a week, and it perked everything right up!

[jcam222]

I hope that I am not breaking any rules by posting as I am a guy. As I sit here and read the struggles everyone goes through I cant keep from crying. I've been reading here now for a week to try and learn, I want to understand.

I am 47 years old and have never been married. About a year ago I met my "happy ending". She is the most amazing woman!! Shes a great mom , a hard worker, a great friend. I knew if I waited long enough she was out there somewhere. I cant imagine my life without her.

Like most people I imagine our initial attraction was physical. We had an AMAZING sex life. As our relationship matured I grew to love her children, the family activities together etc but we always made time for that intimacy as well. Well about November of last year it all seemed to slow down in the bedroom. At first I attributed it to the normal decline. After taht frankly due to some old baggage I thought there must be someone else. Finally we talked in roughy January and here I am. She just doesnt care if she ever has sex. The drive is gone, orgams as difficult at best. She has nite sweats , poor sleep etc.
I have been trying to learn because believe it or not I want relief for ALL her symptoms

I hate the fact that at times we have disputes about sex. I may try to initiate, get rejected and "pout". I dont mean to, i try not to but even being informed it feels like rejection. Often anymore I dont try because I dont want to upset her. There are times we do make love and most of thsoe times I can tell shes doing it for me. I appreciate tht I really do but I would give ANYTHING to really feel and see the desire she used to have for me. There have been a few tmies that were great they are just rare. I know she would if she could. I guess maybe I am just venting? Do I miss the wild , nawty , unplanned sex part of the past? You bet I do.....but you now what I miss the most???? That intimate feeling of being desired by her , the connecation.......does that make sense , i dont know if I explain it well.

I try hard to relax her, I have surprised her wtih bubble baths, candlelight dinners. fondue fun, wine...............I have tried to relax my own insecurites and incorporate at least some toys. I want to help.

If my frieind , companion and lover is never my lover again I still wouldnt want another day of my life without her. I really wouldnt. Perhaps its selfish of me to want my lover too but I do....

ps....when I roll over and "pout" 90% of the time I am crying in frustration at the cruelty of lifes twiets at times.

pss In February I asked her to marry me and she said yes !!!!! I am blessed.

[runr]

jcam,
Sorry that no one has responded to your posting! It could be because people were busy over the weekend. May I suggest that you re-post your situation in the forum topic called, "Men, This One is For You." If you haven't already read that forum, there are a couple guys who post there who, I believe, could definitely relate to what you are going through with your girlfriend.

I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you. My sex drive has plummeted over the last couple years, and my husband has been pretty patient with me. I think that exercise is great for getting the blood flowing, which helps with arousal and orgasms. Other than that, healthy eating and keeping the stress level down might help. Maybe she needs a full workup with her gyno doctor. Just try not to take it personally when she rejects sex. Since she agreed to marry you, she must love you.

Good luck, and congrats on your engagement! Hope you'll be very happy.

jem

[fitnesslady]

Man can I relate to all the difficulties everyone is experiening. Where do I begin. My symtoms have really come on the last few months with definately going thru menopause. Horrible night sweats, chills, in and out of the covers, insomnia, migrain headaches, hair loss, loss of libido, etc You name it. Hubby keeps preaching to me about my lack of desire. last night I finally said are you going to leave me if it doesn't get better. No wonder so many marriages fail at this time. I have been married 30 years, but the last few months have been hell. I know he is trying to understand, but sometimes I feel if I had a broken leg or worse he would still want to have sex. I started Progesterone last October, which helped alot. I started the Estradiol creme a couple weeks ago, because I have become so dry that it even hurts somedays to wipe after I have gone to the restroom. He really thinks there is help out there, a pill or something, but how when the doc's don't understand half this stuff. Its terrible I can talk to a complete room of strangers about, but can't talk to my doctor about.

Anybody got in any miracle supplements to take? let me know. I take so many supps now.

fitnesslady