Uh Oh...Sumthin's Happenin! Options

[KrissyK]

I seem to post here more than I do anywhere else. I've even given up all my "email mates." They're a squirrley bunch anyway and somedays they may respond and then other days they're just as menopausal as me and I'm left to "pound sand." Finicky group... But I have to tell his story to someone or I may simply bust. Not that I'm proud of it...I'm perplexed and confused and frightened...and turned on.

The other night hubby and I went to a party at our neighbor's. About 80 people attended and there was a live band. (I guess opposed to a dead one... ) We had been looking forward to it for a month as we had finally gotten an older child to agree to "sit" for the younger ones, and as we walked over we held hands and giggled like high school kids skipping out of a football match to smooch in the car. It was all fun and laughter at this party for I had had a few glasses of wine (6) and hubby had a few beers (I lost count), and we laughed and danced and visited. All-in-all, it was a grand time and a top night until...

It was in the early morning hours when we were saying our "goodbyes." Hubby was shaking hands and I was hugging "everyone," (I'm a hugger) and as I proceeded around the corner to hug one of my mate's husband, he pushed me against the wall (it was dark) and gave me a very deep kiss. Not a "friendly peck," but one where you knew, "He had 'business' on his mind." Of course I shoved him away aggressively and told him he should not "drink" so much, but on the walk home while hubby yammered on about the things and issues and conversations that went on that night, I could not help my thoughts when they drifted back to those lips on mine. For that moment my whole body seemed to tingle and spark and there were places that simply "came alive" with the touch of a tongue or soft lips. I felt young and giddy and...confused. When we got home, hubby was "in the mood," and quite frankly so was I, but I felt guilty too and so the "dance" between us was a struggle for me that night. Truly, I'm not stupid, I've have been with other men and long before I met him, but still...was it the night? The booze? The man? The newness? I've been complaining for months of having NO libido, and then suddenly I felt amorous and ravenous and my husband tho pleased, was caught off guard...quite honestly, so was I.

Someone tell me what these feelings are? I love my husband and he's a PHENOMENAL lover, but why doesn't he make me feel now what I felt in that moment? A spark that would have ignited a city suddenly caught flame!!! Is this hormonal? Quite honestly, I had given up on all of this "school-girl" butterfly stomach giddy behavior and simply do not indulge in it. "Was this a strange voice calling me and I'm not listening?" "Is this my last chance at "my turn" before I "settle into" the rocking chair?" I do not know. What I do know is that I've thought about that moment (more than likely) a whole lot more than "he" thought about it (if he remembers it at all), and cannot for the life of me understand why it disturbed me so much. I thought my desire was dead, yet a "kiss" ignited it and now I feel altered in some way, excited yet..damaged too. Weird, eh?

[cathym]

lol Hey what ever it was ENJOY it !!!!!! lol

[FoxyRoxy]

OMG what a great night had by all LOL

Enjoy it for what it was, a drunken sneaky snog, and know that your feelings are not dead and buried like most of us think they are at peri time. I find that once my hubby and I are away from the family stress and no kids around and only ourselves to think about we are both extremely amorous, it just doesn't happen often enough these days .

It's our 10 yr wedding anniversay in August this year so we are planning, well actually I am planning, a dirty weekend away with NO kids (especially no troublesome teenagers ) for 3 whole blissful days of food, alcohol, pizza, chocolate and heaps of S E X OMG did I say the dreaded word ...... Motel with double spa bath is booked, brazilian wax is booked, babysitters are nearly booked, deadlocks are on the doors to stop the teenagers coming home and having unexpected parties, wine and beer is on the chill, chocolate in the cupboard, local pizza delivery is on speed dial, I think I'm nearly set oh and the most important part is I won't have my darn period at that time, I can't believe the timing is in my favour for once .

Now where do I go for some of that libido stimulating inspiration

Rox

[leelee2]

sure it's hormonal, a little chemistry too maybe.

the attention from another man is always exciting, (well almost always)

then there is that great old proverbial "TABBO" thing, you know, the forbidden fruit.

you shouldn't feel guilty, you did the right thing by pushing him away, so in the meantime, enjoy.

[aprillv68]

Your 101% normal, so don't feel bad, be flattered that you still turn a man's fuse! Hey, maybe your libido's returning, ever think of that?

[Armadillo]

sure it's hormonal, a little chemistry too maybe.

the attention from another man is always exciting, (well almost always)

then there is that great old proverbial "TABBO" thing, you know, the forbidden fruit.

you shouldn't feel guilty, you did the right thing by pushing him away, so in the meantime, enjoy.

Alcohol makes some people do strange things.

As long as the other man doesn't become a stalker, you're fine!

[CarolH]

(Someone tell me what these feelings are? I love my husband and he's a PHENOMENAL lover, but why doesn't he make me feel now what I felt in that moment?)


I'd vote for the forbidden fruit theory along with the ego spike of feeling attractive to the opposite sex. It's the difference in being chased and being caught. Years of marriage can take the 'flirt' away and steal the 'fire' if we aren't consciously working on it.

Our pastor did a sermon recently and suggested that we take a 'fresh' look at our spouses. Here is an excerpt from that sermon that really touched me.

A woman was giving a talk at a college where her husband worked. After the introduction, an 18-year-old said, “Oh, are you Jody’s wife? I think he’s wonderful.” The girl was swooning. The girl went on to talk about the speaker’s husband as if he were Tarzan, Albert Einstein, and Billy Graham all in one. The speaker said, “I barely made it through my message that afternoon. All the way home I thought about the way this girl saw my husband. It jolted me to look at him through another woman’s eyes.”

What happens when a guy sees disappointment in his wife’s tired eyes, and respect and honor in another woman’s fresh eyes. What happens when a woman sees frustration and disinterest in her husband’s tired eyes, and possibilities and enchantment in another man’s fresh eyes. When a partner feels unappreciated, and disrespected, and taken for granted at home, it is intoxicating to receive respect and honor from another. We have a duty before God to protect each other from temptation. We need to learn to look at our partner with fresh eyes. He may be a little pudgy, and a little balding, and he needs glasses – but he still needs to see your eyes light up when you look at him. And it goes the other way too.

>>

My husband and I just came back from a wonderful weekend in the mountains and it gave each of us the chance to look at each other with fresh eyes. It really does make a difference and while I didn't feel like a schoolgirl again, I did feel quite naughty. Maybe by looking at your husband with fresh eyes and stealing a few moments away with him can get those butterflies to going.

[Tay]

Good grief, I'm blushing here. What a horny bunch of old women....

Truly Krissy, what you're feeling is perfectly normal. Let's face it, meno doesn't just affect our hormones, it affects our self image as well. We pretty much convince ourselves we're so awful looking, we need to be locked away from public view, so as not to scare the children. And as we all know, no matter what our hubbies say, it doesn't do a darned bit of good. After all, they're suppose to say we look splendid, even though we call them bald face liars...(poor guys, they can't win, can they?) However...along comes someone else, someone under no obligation to say we look attractive...and presto, we have a whole new 'light' shed. Granted, the guy was out of line, and stepped way over the boundaries, BUT....look what happened. You suddenly felt yourself again....felt pretty, sexy...alive. And there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, I guess it just takes an unusual situation to re-ignite the flame. But, just be careful around that other guy...ok??

Ok, now that I've added my two cents...ladies feel free to resume your...errr...ahhh....recreational romps???

Now where'd I put my fan...phewwww it's hot in here...

(Huge grin but with eyes closed)
Tay

[KrissyK]

Thank you everyone for your responses and you're right...I did feel "special," if only for a moment. I do have a terrible self esteem right now even though hubby says differently. He always says I'm pretty or I'm sexy, blah, blah, blah... but at the end of the day, I do have a mirror and I know what I look like.

Inside and on any given day I could be considered a total wreck, but now the outside of me is catching up too. I used to dress up daily, wear make-up religiously, have my nails and hair done monthly...but that's all changed. I've truly let myself go and even though I have every intention of getting back on that treadmill or doing something nice for myself, I never do, and simply wallow in the mire. For the last two days I've made it a point to "dress to the nines," but all I can do all day is think about how my feet hurt in the high heels and how I can't wait to get home and put on my "lazy clothes."

The guy did make me feel pretty and sexy and wanted. And in my mind's eye for a moment I felt like I was young again... I would NEVER do anything that would cost me what I have with my husband, but I have relived that ten second kiss 1,000 times in my mind. What a freakin' schoolgirl I've become!!

[Webalina]

I do have a terrible self esteem right now even though hubby says differently. He always says I'm pretty or I'm sexy, blah, blah, blah... but at the end of the day, I do have a mirror and I know what I look like....For the last two days I've made it a point to "dress to the nines," but all I can do all day is think about how my feet hurt in the high heels and how I can't wait to get home and put on my "lazy clothes."...The guy did make me feel pretty and sexy and wanted. And in my mind's eye for a moment I felt like I was young again... I would NEVER do anything that would cost me what I have with my husband, but I have relived that ten second kiss 1,000 times in my mind. What a freakin' schoolgirl I've become!!

Krissy --

I used to (and still do occasionally) go through the same things you are -- thought I was hideous, malformed, and repulsive (not that you're thinking anything THAT bad, but you get my point). I have a man in my life now like your husband -- tells me I'm beautiful all the time. And he doesn't say it just generally, but he specifies what's beautiful -- he loves my hair, the way my eyes krinkle up when I smile, how animated my face is when I talking about something I'm passionate about. From that I started looking at myself and I let myself see what he sees instead of what I see. I'm sure you can find beautiful things about yourself too, if you'd just give it a chance.

As far as your "dressing to the nines"...just because you're no longer comfortable in fancy clothes and shoes (were we ever REALLY comfortable in that stuff?) doesn't mean you can't still look great. You could start off by wearing something out of your "lazy clothes" collection in a color you like or a style that's flattering to some part of you. The first time someone says "gee, you look nice today. What have you done with yourself?", that's the "lazy clothes" style you should be wearing. And as far as makeup is concerned, I've found that just a touch of lipstick and eye liner and mascara do me as much good as the face full of products I used to wear.

You said this little moment you had made you feel young again. It could have been a start of a whole new mindset for you. Just keep remembering how good that kiss made you feel (write down what you're feeling in a journal if you need to) -- not just sexually, but from a regenerative standpoint -- and let that feeling run over into other parts of your life. And hubby doesn't need to know a thing about it. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

Good luck, beautiful!
Cindy

[the elder]

Hey it doesn't matter where you get your appetite from, as long as you go home to eat!!
and thats what you did

[Onika]

The science of it is interesting to me. I read somewhere that it is phermones (spelling?) that really get us revved up with a new lover. Someones smell that ,to our brain, is most unlike our own is most enticing. this is to produce hybrid vigor in our offspring. But the REAL interesting thing is our brains adapt to our mates smell in about 2 to 4 years making our brain unable to react like before. so a new smell would feel like Wow! and reawaken parts of the brain long forgotten.

[RoundRobin]

Wow! Krissy, I didn't see your thread before, and I'm glad I took a second look. Wow. I'm envious of you. I used to have those feelings....the operative phrase being "used to." My libido has been dead for a long time. To me, it's tragic...and here's why (if you don't mind me hijacking your thread for a bit to wander down memory lane). All my adult life, I had a very high sex drive. Sexual feelings were so strong, they were like a drug. My first husband was man I loved desparately, but he had (or I should say 'has', because I doubt very much he has changed) big problems in the sex department. I don't know all the reasons why--being raised by in a military family by a minister was definitely a factor--but he hated sex. Wouldn't 'french' kiss. Couldn't have the lights on. And when it did come to the actual act...well, let's just say it was as "vanilla" as you could get. I should have known all of this before I agreed to marry him, but there were other complicating factors involved, and well, let's just say that at 20 years old, I didn't have the greatest judgment in the world.

I agonized for a long time with him. He wouldn't own up to his issues and instead turned the tables and blamed it all on me. I was gross, unattractive, too fat, too thin, my hair wasn't long enough, or it was too long, or I smelled bad (yes, he actually told me this.) It destroyed my self esteem. After years and years of torturing myself, I finally came to realize that HE was the one with the problem. It took a lot of therapy, but I finally ended the marriage. I found a man, my current husband, who is normal and healthy regarding sex. And then menopause came and stole it away from me.

I hate that nature does this to us. To me.

In terms of what happened to you...I say, enjoy the delicious memory of your forbidden moment. You did the right thing pushing him away...and there was nothing wrong with that fact that you enjoyed the embrace. How do you think your hubby would have reacted if an attractive woman had popped up out of the shadows and suddenly kissed him? Take the memory and wrap it lovingly up...put it away in a cupboard in your mind, that you can pull down when you're old and gray and fondly remember your younger days. Truth be told, whoever the mysterious stranger was, he's just a man...and if you were single and available and somehow moved beyond that intense and fleeting moment in time and starting seeing him, you'd be exposed to all his flaws and foibles. Who knows, maybe he's actually a jerk in his everyday life.

In anyone knows where my libido might be, I'm hereby offering a $1000 reward for its capture and safe return to me.

[diluvlabs]

RoundRobin,
I think our libidos ran off somewhere together...because mine has been missing for several years also! Would love to have it back...and know that my hubby would pay big money to see it again!

Di

[TMorris]

Someone tell me what these feelings are? I love my husband and he's a PHENOMENAL lover, but why doesn't he make me feel now what I felt in that moment? A spark that would have ignited a city suddenly caught flame!!! ... I thought my desire was dead, yet a "kiss" ignited it and now I feel altered in some way, excited yet..damaged too. Weird, eh?

Greetings Krissy K.
I am almost ashamed to admit that after having a VERY low libido for all of my life, my body decided it was time to put me into hyperdrive (libido-wise). Although that seems to be a bit off-topic, my point is that when I decided sex was going to be one of the most important things in my daily life.... my husband is starting to "turn me on" like he never did before. You ask "why doesn't he make me feel now what I felt in that moment?" My two cents would be to start spicing up your love life. It seems that when I suggest something a bit naughty or out of the ordinary, my hubby looks at me like when he used to when we were dating (not as the wife and mother I have become). It is certainly nice to get the winks from across the room, or the raised eyebrows and the nod of his head for a possible quickie.

Just a thought.

[Webalina]

The science of it is interesting to me. I read somewhere that it is phermones (spelling?) that really get us revved up with a new lover. Someones smell that ,to our brain, is most unlike our own is most enticing. this is to produce hybrid vigor in our offspring. But the REAL interesting thing is our brains adapt to our mates smell in about 2 to 4 years making our brain unable to react like before. so a new smell would feel like Wow! and reawaken parts of the brain long forgotten.

I HAVE to tell a story about pheromones. I was on the bus downtown one of many miserable Houston August afternoons. A man got on at the next stop and sat down in the seat in front of me. Under normal circumstances this guy wasn't anybody I'd be the the least attracted to -- short, dumpy, balding, office attire but kinda sloppy. He was sweating from standing at the bus stop. And that's were the trouble began.

I don't know WHAT it was, but the smell coming from this man's body was driving me WILD. Sounds crazy, I know. But from the time he sat down until we got to the Park N Ride 40 minutes later, all I could think of was sex with this man. Of course, I never let on anything of the kind. But even though this was probably five years ago, I can still smell him in my head to this very day.

I read somewhere once that if a woman doesn't like the way a man spells (I assume they're talking naturally, not cologne or garlic breath), there is NOTHING that man can do to capture her attention. Pheremones WORK, girls.

[BellaScarlett]

I would chalk it up to the temptation of "forbidden fruit."

[larafalcon]

I HAVE to tell a story about pheromones. I was on the bus downtown one of many miserable Houston August afternoons. A man got on at the next stop and sat down in the seat in front of me. Under normal circumstances this guy wasn't anybody I'd be the the least attracted to -- short, dumpy, balding, office attire but kinda sloppy. He was sweating from standing at the bus stop. And that's were the trouble began.

I don't know WHAT it was, but the smell coming from this man's body was driving me WILD. Sounds crazy, I know. But from the time he sat down until we got to the Park N Ride 40 minutes later, all I could think of was sex with this man. Of course, I never let on anything of the kind. But even though this was probably five years ago, I can still smell him in my head to this very day.

I read somewhere once that if a woman doesn't like the way a man spells (I assume they're talking naturally, not cologne or garlic breath), there is NOTHING that man can do to capture her attention. Pheremones WORK, girls.

It is so true - women fall in love through their noses - men through their eyes - infact the olfactory sense of a man is not as strong as a womans - women also fall in love with the smell of their babies - so yes - all kinds of love comes in through the nose for women - unfortunately for us this is not quite as true with men - they are very visual creatures - and that's why we have to worry about our faces and bodies - just look around - you see so many "not so good looking men" with beautiful women - but its rare to see a handsome man with an unattractive woman - unless she is very special - its a hard fact of life -

[Devoted]

In the honesty of full disclosure this tread is part of my equation. The afternoon that my wife told me of her unhappiness with me and our marriage I also learned that one of the factors that brought everything to a head was that another man had brought out feelings in her that she had not had in a long time. I don’t know who he is or what happened and she tells me “nothing happened” and that she has no ongoing connection with him or any other man. And I do believe her. But whatever did happen made her very sad and angry that that part of her life had been missing. Yes as we traveled together through the years with the kids and everything else our physical relationship had suffered partly because I got tired and frustrated being turned down all the time and pretty much just gave up. I was always hoping that, maybe when things/life got easier, that she would once again be the woman that I could make advances to and be receptive, but that time never seemed to come. I understand that what I had allowed our life to become she could feel unappreciated and not loved by me and what I am now trying so hard to do now will bring her around back to me. I would like to blame what happened solely on peri but in the back of my mind is the nagging thought that I won’t be able to bring her back around and that the thought of a life without me is more inviting than with. For now trying to be the model husband without going overboard is my course of action and things are improving somewhat, but she still seems to be very angry over past things and just touching her as I pass by sometimes is accepted, but other times reacted to negatively. So I keep looking for the positive signs and I always look for help on what else I can do to try to bring her back.

PS. The afternoon when she told me of unhappiness is the 1 time I suggested that maybe Menopause could be the cause of her unhappiness and that is when she told me of the other guy and then wouldn’t speak to me for a week.

[lann]

Well after reading all of the above, Its nice to know Im not alone. Although I do not wish this on anyone. Menapause. Im 48 and have been going thru some changes recently that I frankly just dont understand. My libido is not totaly gone but it is fading I still can make it to the top but its not as strong and barely there when it happens. It is very weak where it used to be so strong. I have been very moody and get very upset when my poor husband is just watching tv if there is a young pretty woman on tv I get upset and he knows it to the point where he will change the channel. I have never been this way but am having a hard time controling it I know it is not fair to him and he is scared to watch tv around me quit watching his shows he likes cause I get upset. Please I just want someone to tell me Im not crazy. I am trying to control this but it is getting harder. He is very upset with me at this point. Says he is afraid to do anything around me. Why am I doing this????? someone please help me desperate....

[KrissyK]

I had totally forgotten that I had written this thread...how dreadful am I? A drive-by poster is what I've become!!

But I wanted to follow up on this post if for no other reason but to feel alive once more....

Months have past since this post and nothing happened. Hubby and I went back to jobs and life and seasons have come and gone. But that memory remained alive for me, and wanting.

Three weeks ago the man in question returned to the UK. (he was living here at the time) I managed a nice dinner for him where many friends came to send their "farewell's" and give their "well wishes." All night, I watched him and waited...then later he said to me, "It's funny...I find you immensely attractive and want you terribly, but as life would have it, we're both married and we'd simply hate one another if we crossed that line." For a moment, I was like..."No cross it, cross it!!!" But he was right. Some things are better left alone.

How many nights I've envisioned him in my bed (amongst other things )...and it's given me great pleasure to have him not just as a friend, but as a fantasy.

My husband said later..."I had a feeling that he had the hots for you?" But I quickly put his angst to rest and said, "No, he had just been drinking too much." Funny...I didn't want anyone ruining this memory or fantasy.

What...am I, 16 years old now? Geesh!!

[Juliann]

Krissy,

Isn't it funny what a magical moment can inspire? Really, it's all fantasy, cause reality could NEVER be that good.

Once you live together and pay bills together, the fantasy does trail off a bit, lol.

Cheers to a little fantasy now and then!

Juliann

[Webalina]

How many nights I've envisioned him in my bed (amongst other things )...and it's given me great pleasure to have him not just as a friend, but as a fantasy.

My husband said later..."I had a feeling that he had the hots for you?" But I quickly put his angst to rest and said, "No, he had just been drinking too much." Funny...I didn't want anyone ruining this memory or fantasy.

What...am I, 16 years old now? Geesh!!

I say "Good for you!" Your fantasy isn't hurting anybody. I say keep it going if it makes you feel good. It would be really helpful on the nights hubby wants to get cozy and you're either not in the mood, or just can't seem to "finish". Had to be scary for him to come right out and admit his attraction like that though, huh? Really fanned the flames.