Orgasm Options

[Nevermore]

OK, I'll go first, please join in.

It's difficult to climax even using a vibrator. (As if I could without!)

The ability seemed to disappear over night, I guess when my ovaries decided to suddenly call it a day.

Or is there another organ that should be making my *testosterone*? And that's what shut down?

[kar4242]

OK, I'll go first, please join in.

It's difficult to climax even using a vibrator. (As if I could without!)

The ability seemed to disappear over night, I guess when my ovaries decided to suddenly call it a day.

Or is there another organ that should be making my *testosterone*? And that's what shut down?

Nevermore,

I'm in the same boat......and I'm sinking not swimming - lol What a change that has occurred. It was worse when I was on and
AD for a short time but it's soooo difficult for me too....you're not alone.

Hugs,
Karen

[slowbear]

Ok, I'm in. I always keep thinking that if I just feel a little better I will feel little more like "doing it" with hubby but I am always tired and foggy headed....but I have to say that orgasm ...that is having one was going ok until I went on the BCP....then it was very hard to have one.....for the week I am off, it sort of returns....good grief....trying a new BCP but if this kills it too, the BCP goes out the window...I was hoping the BCP would smooth things out and I wouldn't feel so tired and foggy and then FEEL a bit more like I at least wanted it..........what's next!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Molly1]

I just posted in the orgasmic dreams thread, but now I feel that I must let it all hang out and have a "true confession". I am 54 years old, and I don't think I've ever had an orgasm. The best I ever get is a feeling of pressure in my clitoris. There is nothing physically unusual about my anatomy, either. I mentioned it to my doctor during my first pregnancy 22 years ago. She asked me if I could reach orgasm through masturbation. I told her that I could masturbate with power tools and still feel nothing. I don't masturbate anyway, what's the use? It could also be the result of the medications that I'm on for bipolar disorder, I've been taking them since I was thirteen.

I guess I'm sacrificing my sexuality for my sanity. Oh well, one can't have everything!

[Nevermore]

I just posted in the orgasmic dreams thread, but now I feel that I must let it all hang out and have a "true confession". I am 54 years old, and I don't think I've ever had an orgasm. The best I ever get is a feeling of pressure in my clitoris. There is nothing physically unusual about my anatomy, either. I mentioned it to my doctor during my first pregnancy 22 years ago. She asked me if I could reach orgasm through masturbation. I told her that I could masturbate with power tools and still feel nothing. I don't masturbate anyway, what's the use? It could also be the result of the medications that I'm on for bipolar disorder, I've been taking them since I was thirteen.

I guess I'm sacrificing my sexuality for my sanity. Oh well, one can't have everything!

Molly, it probably is your meds. They are nearly all notorious for ruining sex drive and response. I don't know much about bipolar and its meds, but I read (and I'm sure you know) that of all the meds out there Wellbutrin isn't supposed to ruin your sex life.

If your meds keep you from having seizures or spasms I think that's exactly what keeps an orgasm from happening.

You're very brave to come out. Brava! I wish you very well.

[Molly1]

If your meds keep you from having seizures or spasms I think that's exactly what keeps an orgasm from happening.

You're very brave to come out. Brava! I wish you very well.

Yes, this would be the culprit! But I guess I shouldn't complain. If I never had an orgasm, then I don't know what I'm missing!

Oh, well. There are worse things in life.

[kimberccc]

I absolutely mourn this awful part of menopause. I have these little fizzly orgasms that last about 1 second . . . I used to have thunderous, long-lasting ones. All my tests show that testosterone and estrogen are O.K. (I'm in BHRT) but everything's changed.

I work up to that very brink, and then, PHFFT. I just can't tell my husband because he'd feel terrible.

It makes me feel so un-sexy, so unwomanly. I've adjusted to about everything else, but to know that part of my life is gone forever just makes me cry.

kimber

[Nevermore]

I absolutely mourn this awful part of menopause. I have these little fizzly orgasms that last about 1 second . . . I used to have thunderous, long-lasting ones. All my tests show that testosterone and estrogen are O.K. (I'm in BHRT) but everything's changed.

I work up to that very brink, and then, PHFFT. I just can't tell my husband because he'd feel terrible.

It makes me feel so un-sexy, so unwomanly. I've adjusted to about everything else, but to know that part of my life is gone forever just makes me cry.

kimber

Hey, kimber,

There was a book from way back that said a woman is responsible for her own orgasm. So, if you can use a toy to help you might want to give it a try. Your husband will be pleased to see you having a good time. Guys like new stuff & visual stuff. And you deserve it!!

[kimberccc]

Oh, I'm a great fan of the vibrator. It started out really helping, but now that I'm almost 4 years post-meno even the vibrator isn't producing the effect it used to. That's just started in the last few months and I think that's what's depressing me. I thought I could reclaim a pretty good portion of my past experience with just a little help but now even that isn't enough.

It's very frustrating in many ways if you know what I mean.

kimber

[Nevermore]

Oh, Kimber, that's just awful. I'm sorry to have been insensitive while thinking i was helping.

This meno stuff is just so awful!

Best wishes to you. Hope IT returns!!

[greenie]

Hee hee...Okay, I'll jump in too! I have never had one with my husband, and I think that's really sad. I have had them when sleeping and...well, you know.

My counselor is encouraging me to talk to hubby about it and to try to really work on this area of our marriage. If I think about it too much, I feel so hopeless and depressed. Or, I think that maybe my "second husband" down the road will be able to help me out, LOL! Why is it so hard for men to figure out how we work down there? I pray that we can figure things out.

[Molly1]

Why is it so hard for men to figure out how we work down there? .

Maybe because they don't care. As long as they are satisfied, that is all that matters. I was married for 20 years, and my husband never gave a damn about my pleasure. After I turned 50, he didn't want to have sex with me anymore, saying that my aging body disgusted him.

He filed for divorce two weeks ago because he wants to marry a 27 year old woman. I am 54 and he is 44. I guess once a woman is menopausal, she is sexually undesirable anyway, at least that what he says. He says that any man who says any different is either a loser or a liar. So much for us over 50 women! Why not just throw us in the trash heap!

[slowbear]

Good grief, Molly....sorry to say this but is your soon to be X husband (and thank goodness for that) a shallow creep! You should be really GLAD to get rid of him....I am sure one of your only regrets is that you didn't say you wanted a divorce first...........you have done nothing to deserve this......what goes around comes around and eventually this jerk will get it but good....be patient......I guess he is REALLY intimidated by aging....boy is he going to be surprised in a few years when he can't do anything without viagra...poor 27 year old bride.......I said it before and I will say it again,.....just wait until that 27 starts going through meno and he tries to get rid of her....does he think a 64 year old man will be able to get another premeno woman again....HA.....I bet his body will get really disgusting and saggy....probably no amount of viagra will help him.....I am feeling really MEAN today!!!! Hang in there, this metamorphis will finish and BOY WHAT A BEAUTIFUL, CONFIDENT, and wonderful WOMAN will emerge!!!!!!!! He may come begging back and you will just laugh in his face.......HA< HA.....(I AM mean today!!!!)

[sberz69]

Molly--I posted to you in another forum before I read this. Soon and not soon enough ex-husband to be is nothing but a cull, a loser, a piece of S#@t, etc. etc. etc!!!!!! Getting rid of him is and will be the best thing that has ever happened to you!!! Count your blessings. An animal should not be treated the way he treated you. He beat you down with his own insecurities. You are a strong beautiful woman. You can make your own way in life Molly. ---Shelley

[Molly1]

Thank you slowbear and sberz69 for your kind and funny (never mean!) words. Every day I waver between anger, sadness and counting my blessings about my soon to be ex. My children are torn between us and are confused, they are good people and refuse to take sides against us. I am thankful every day for them!

[Duch]

A few comments:

As I entered peri i lost most of my libido. I wanted sex, but felt... unplugged. I could, with patience, still have satisfactory sex w/clitoral stimulation but vaginal sex was tricky.

And it got worse

Welbutrin/zyban restored me to the first levels of diminished sexuality, which is certainly better than nothing. If you're on ADs for any reason and they're interfering with sexuality, I'd suggest talking to the doctor about a change.

kimberly:

Have you had your testosterone levels checked? Also, you might try suppliments that boost your testosterone levels. I think mine's completely packed it in (had one ovary surgically removed)

Anyway, zinc can help, taken at bedtime, and l-arginine. My husband was just fighting off a cold. I made him take zinc because I didn't want him to let it develop, and give it to me over the hols. He's been dead frisky for a week. I laughingly told him to quit taking the zinc, and explained why. He googled zinc and testosterone, then promptly went out and bought another bottle.

Molly

You and I are the same age. PLease read what I wrote for Kim. You can bet your Londondeirriere there is a man out there somewhere that will be warm for your form. I agree that you husband is a toxic waste of space. Time for real love. You owe it to yourself, and talk to your doctor about a change in meds. There's been a few advances in the last 20 years.

And for the record,
Anti-histamines inhibits sexual responses big time.

[janet c]

Just been reading this thread and thought I would add in a copy of a thread i started a couple of weeks ago. I dont think many ladies read it, so here it is again.
Hope it helps!



Ladies,I must tell you about my wondrous discovery!
I had a hysterectomy with removal of ovaries in March due to early stage endo cancer.
As I am not allowed HRT,I have had all sorts of problems associated with surgical menopause, one of the worst being an inability to orgasm.
As I have never had any problem in the past this has been most distressing, because I have not lost interest in sex, but just felt kind of numb in that area.
Apparently having the ovaries removed cuts the body's overall testosterone in half, although, I believe that in time the adrenal glands can take over and make up the difference.
Never one to just sit around and wait, I have been on a painstaking search to find some solution to my problem.
I have found a product which is available in UK and US called "Zestra". It is a natural oil that is applied to the appropriate area for a few minutes during sex and helps increase sensation to the degree that most women can have an orgasm.
Well ladies, I sent for one to try, and I can tell you it really works! I only used a little- not the full amount supplied, and it still worked fine!
There is loads of info about it on the net. Just type it in to google and you will find all you want about it, including the fact that it is totally safe.
I feel so happy to be able to share this information with you because I have been so very sad at the loss of my sexual feelings ,and know just how distressing it can be. I never thought I would ever feel anything again and I have
Please ladies give it a try!!!
janet c

[kimberccc]

Well, just in case someone else is having this problem, here's another lovely facet of meno. As a little TMI, I don't have a problem with arousal, it's just like the muscles won't work when I reach that, you know, brink.

My testosterone and DHEA levels were very high naturally, and they're reducing because of meno but no one will prescribe any additional testosterone because my levels are in the normal range when they were in the 3x range before/at meno. (Don't ask me why, I have no idea.)

My doctor has just said, "Well, it's never going to be like it used to, so just get used to it." If you look at the different websites like NAMS and the Council on Aging, they say the same thing and just suggest you get counseling to adjust. The vaginal muscles weaken with age and just don't work. I'm 52 years old, and nothing about meno made me feel like an old lady until this!

I hate, hate, hate this. I've never faked orgasms in my life, but now sex is just something for my husband and I don't like to see him disappointed. And if I read one more time, that sex is more than orgasms, that just cuddling is great, I'll slug someone. Sure, cuddling is good, but puh-leeze!

My last possibility is to try Kegel exercises. I'll just have to see.

I feel like my personhood is being stolen one piece at a time.

kimber

[584296a]

Well, just in case someone else is having this problem, here's another lovely facet of meno. As a little TMI, I don't have a problem with arousal, it's just like the muscles won't work when I reach that, you know, brink.

My testosterone and DHEA levels were very high naturally, and they're reducing because of meno but no one will prescribe any additional testosterone because my levels are in the normal range when they were in the 3x range before/at meno. (Don't ask me why, I have no idea.)

My doctor has just said, "Well, it's never going to be like it used to, so just get used to it." If you look at the different websites like NAMS and the Council on Aging, they say the same thing and just suggest you get counseling to adjust. The vaginal muscles weaken with age and just don't work. I'm 52 years old, and nothing about meno made me feel like an old lady until this!

I hate, hate, hate this. I've never faked orgasms in my life, but now sex is just something for my husband and I don't like to see him disappointed. And if I read one more time, that sex is more than orgasms, that just cuddling is great, I'll slug someone. Sure, cuddling is good, but puh-leeze!

My last possibility is to try Kegel exercises. I'll just have to see.

I feel like my personhood is being stolen one piece at a time.

kimber

Kimber,

That is terrible about your doctor! I think you should FIRE him and go to someone else. Call your local compounding pharmacies and talk to the pharmacists who do women’s hormones and ask for a referral to someone they think will give you testosterone. It would be great if testosterone was not a controlled substance, it would be easier for you to get. Don’t give up, this is your life and you know what you need. It will be worth it when you find a doctor that will help you.

I am 45 and use testosterone cream daily. I use a small amount in that area as well. It is soooo nice that I do not pee on myself anymore! I did tons of Kegel exercises and I still peed on myself until I started the cream. Dr. Vliet has a good book on testosterone. Have you read it yet? I have only skimmed it so far and I have found it helpful.

Kathy

[SandraSmith]

Molly, I want to tell you that I think it's great that you stepped forward and wrote what you wrote. With the proliferation of porn and near-porn TV shows and films, it seems like every woman in the world except me is having the most fabulous wonderful multiple orgasms every second for hours, can climax just being looked, screan and toss head back, etc etc etc. >:-) (I think all of this fantasy is ruining the sex lives of everyone who sees it !)

I openly admit that I almost never have an orgasm unless I use a vibrator. I am always happy to find other women who are open about their sexual "flaws" (a.k.a. REALITY).

I agree with the others who say your meds are likely to blame. I took Paxil for 6 months and it killed my ability to orgasm, not just during those 6 months but for 18 months after I stopped taking the stuff ! Never again.

TO all, I started getting hot flashes jan 13 2007 and just as suddenly as they appeared, my ability to be aroused and have an orgasm disappeared. I know I'm stressing about the symptoms. I feel crappy all day long, sleep badly (being awakened by the flashes, chills, and palpitations), I'm worried about my relationship with my boyfriend who THANK GOD lives a few hours away so we are not together every day. I'm praying that my lack of desire is due to this new stress but I'm worried it's more permanent. I've already looked into the saliva tests and I'm going to go ahead and order one this evening. If my testosterone is low, I'm going to try to acquire the lowest dose cream and see what happens. I'm new to the board and very eager to read about others' experiences.

[Molly1]

I agree that you husband is a toxic waste of space. Time for real love. You owe it to yourself, and talk to your doctor about a change in meds. There's been a few advances in the last 20 years.

And for the record,
Anti-histamines inhibits sexual responses big time.

It's been a while, but my divorce papers are all filed and it should be final by summer. But I do not want to ever be involved with a man again. In my whole life, I have had sex with only one man, my ex-husband. I guess I won't count the three years when I was a young girl that my father was raping me. After my father died in a car crash, it took me about fifteen years to even think about sex, marriage and a family. Then I met my husband. It turned out to be twenty more years of rape and lies and infidelity. Thank God I cannot have an orgasm or feel the need to have sex ever again. It has only been a source of tremendous suffering for me and probably led to my bipolar disorder being so bad. I told my psychiatrist that I never realised that the source of both my suicide attempts, when I cut my wrists, have been because of the men in my life sexually abusing me. She also said that there are studies on female bodybuilders who were sexually abused as girls, and took anabolic steroids to gain muscle mass was an indirect attempt to become more masculine and powerful. I thought this was a strange coincidence to my life, since I also abused steroids and have never felt so powerful as when I was on them.

Anyway, I got off-track. I guess that I really do not want to change my present medication, since it was recently changed to stabilize me back in December. And I don't want to have a relationship, even a friendly one with a man ever again. I do not and never will trust any of them. First my father damaged me, then my husband ruined me for good. Sexual life has been like a death for me. Best to avoid it at any and all costs!

[SandraSmith]

Molly, I wonder if your meds are obliterating your ability to climax. When I took an AD (Paxil), it KILLED my ability to climax, and it took me about 18 months after stopping the AD to get it back.

You have a horrible life experience that certainly explains, even justifies, an aversion to sex with a man. I think you still deserve to have orgasms solo, but with the meds and now peri it's probably going to be difficult for you to start. And do you really need to do this ? I did a relative of ecstasy (I did MDA, ecstasy is MDMA) many times and I am not hesitant to say that the high is way better than sex, but I know a lot of people who've never taken the drug and they don't feel like they are missing anything. So how important are orgasms to someone whose never had one ? Probably not very.

I have been unmarried all of my life and had lots of relationships, and all but the last were fine, we just didn't stay together for one reason or another, no trauma though. But the last guy was a total assh*le, and after breaking up with him I swore off men. I was even thinking NO MORE. When it comes to sex in particular, I usually feel pressure. I have always had a lower drive than my boyfriends, I would be happy with 2-3 orgasms per week, the guys usually want at least one a day. :-) Fine, I don't have any problem doing things for them and not expecting it in return at those times when I'm not so interested, but I really have to love them and want to please them, and most importantly feel loved back, in order for that to work. And even when everything is great, sometimes sex is just, well, uncomfortable. I am delicate and I have been with guys who need a great deal of thrusting to get off. I've learned tricks to help minimize my discomfort, but still it kind of takes away from the pleasure, you know ? It's why I always want to have my orgasm first, so if they cause me discomfort it doesn't obliterate my arousal before I've come. But there is also the mess afterward, I'm sorry, no matter how much I clean up I am still dripping afterward. If we have been having more intercourse than usual I can also feel raw. More taking away from the pleasure.

So when I thought I didn't want to have a boyfriend any more I was alright with the idea. I have a great vibrator and it works very well for me.

And then, just 2 months after breaking up with the last boyfriend, I accidentally met a new guy and we are both having our best relationships ever, so I'm back into it again. Oh well ! I told him he's the last. If we break up that's it, no more. Just too much trouble. :-)

[Duch]

Molly,

You know best. What a dreadful amount you've had to endure. I wish you peace and happiness going forward.

{{{Duch}}}

[Duch]

Sandra - we seem to be reading and responding to the same posts today! V Pleased to here you've a new fellah in your life, who's making you happy. All the best

[SandraSmith]

This relationship is the biggest reason I'm pursuing BHRT. If I were single and decided that the last boyfriend was indeed the last one I would ever have, I'd probably just ride out the symptoms and do the best I can with improved eating and exercise and taking care of myself. Or hell, maybe I'd just sit around eating sweets all day long !! But this guy is so amazing and it all happened by accident, and let me tell you I fought getting involved with him because I knew the easy lazy man-less life I was actually looking forward to leading wouldn't happen, and I'd have to make an effort. >:-) So far it's been worth it, though I have to say the appearance of hot flashes and other peri symptoms have come at a really inconvenient time. I met the guy in April 2006 so we haven't been together long, and you know how it is at the beginning of a relationship, all lusty and lovey and everything. I do not want to be feeling sick or hot or asexual !

[wheatenlover]

Molly, I want to tell you that I think it's great that you stepped forward and wrote what you wrote. With the proliferation of porn and near-porn TV shows and films, it seems like every woman in the world except me is having the most fabulous wonderful multiple orgasms every second for hours, can climax just being looked, screan and toss head back, etc etc etc. >:-) (I think all of this fantasy is ruining the sex lives of everyone who sees it !)

I openly admit that I almost never have an orgasm unless I use a vibrator. I am always happy to find other women who are open about their sexual "flaws" (a.k.a. REALITY).

I agree with the others who say your meds are likely to blame. I took Paxil for 6 months and it killed my ability to orgasm, not just during those 6 months but for 18 months after I stopped taking the stuff ! Never again.

TO all, I started getting hot flashes jan 13 2007 and just as suddenly as they appeared, my ability to be aroused and have an orgasm disappeared. I know I'm stressing about the symptoms. I feel crappy all day long, sleep badly (being awakened by the flashes, chills, and palpitations), I'm worried about my relationship with my boyfriend who THANK GOD lives a few hours away so we are not together every day. I'm praying that my lack of desire is due to this new stress but I'm worried it's more permanent. I've already looked into the saliva tests and I'm going to go ahead and order one this evening. If my testosterone is low, I'm going to try to acquire the lowest dose cream and see what happens. I'm new to the board and very eager to read about others' experiences.

Hi all, I am new here. I am 52 and starting to come out the other side of menopause. I had flashes for a year but the worst was this summer when I had heart palps that went into atrial fib
during a hot flash. The sex gets better again- it really does come back- and without pills or creams.

[ngray]

Well, just in case someone else is having this problem, here's another lovely facet of meno. As a little TMI, I don't have a problem with arousal, it's just like the muscles won't work when I reach that, you know, brink.

My testosterone and DHEA levels were very high naturally, and they're reducing because of meno but no one will prescribe any additional testosterone because my levels are in the normal range when they were in the 3x range before/at meno. (Don't ask me why, I have no idea.)

My doctor has just said, "Well, it's never going to be like it used to, so just get used to it." If you look at the different websites like NAMS and the Council on Aging, they say the same thing and just suggest you get counseling to adjust. The vaginal muscles weaken with age and just don't work. I'm 52 years old, and nothing about meno made me feel like an old lady until this!

I hate, hate, hate this. I've never faked orgasms in my life, but now sex is just something for my husband and I don't like to see him disappointed. And if I read one more time, that sex is more than orgasms, that just cuddling is great, I'll slug someone. Sure, cuddling is good, but puh-leeze!

My last possibility is to try Kegel exercises. I'll just have to see.

I feel like my personhood is being stolen one piece at a time.

kimber

I was told that testosterone aids in the arousal stage, but its estrogen that actually helps the orgasm. You might want to have your estrogen levels checked. I know that when my levels are low the orgasm is next to nothing. Just a thought.

[janet c]

Ladies
Here I am again with first hand info which you can believe or not.
Last March I had a hysterectomy and ovaries removed to cure endo cancer.
By September my ability to have an orgasm went completely. I was completely physically numb in the obvious area and also my nipples- as all my hormones had gone.
I was absolutely devastated, and looking on the net didnt help. It just confirmed my worst fears that I would never feel anything ever again.
Fortunately for me, I was and still am having acupuncture for hot flushes from a wonderful lady who used to be a gynaecologist.When we discussed how I was feeling she was so reassurring.
She told me that although at present I could feel nothing, this was because of the abrupt removal of my ovaries, but that eventually my feelings should return.
She explained that the adrenal glands eventually take over in producing the hormones, such as testosterone and oestrogen but it takes time.
I dont know if I believed her at the time but I do now!
This is because in the last couple of months my sexual feelings returned and without any ovaries, HRT,or testosterone supplementation I am having great orgasms again.
To all you ladies who are having problems at present, I say-
If I can have great sex in the absence of any hormones then you certainly all can.
I am sure that a lot of sexual problems are caused through a hormone imbalance-usually too much oestrogen in relation to progesterone.
That is what I had in peri and I totally went off sex and could not have an orgasm at that time.
You are all in peri and therefore your hormones are all over the place. They wont always be, though, so please be reassurred by what I am saying.
One more thing I will say. Even when a woman is through meno, her ovaries will still continue producing a small amount of hormones and actually testosterone levels can be quite high. There is every chance that some ladies libidos increase because of this. Oestrogen is actually a libido suppressant!
So take heart!!!
janet c

[NiteOwl]

Testosterone is the major driver for libido - the interest in having sex. But it is estrogen that is responsible for lubrication, clitoral sensation, and the ability to orgasm. If your estrogen is too low, your natural testosterone may become the dominant force causing an increase in interest but leaving you frustrated when you cannot achieve an orgasm. Estrogen can restore the ability to orgasm but too much in relation to the other hormones can cause you to lose your interest (libido) for sex. It is a balancing act but if you have lost your ability to orgasm you may want to supplement your estrogen hormones first, then add testosterone only if your interest in sex is too low.

[janet c]

NiteOwl-
that is very interesting, because I did go through a phase around Christmas time when I felt like having sex all the time but I just couldnt have an orgasm at all. I was very frustrated at that time!
I presume that my balancing act has sorted itself out, then.
janet c