Q: hi steven, in response to dee 3/31/07, she needs to be honest with herself. From steven's book it also appears dee displays classic passive cp behaviours. This guy hurt you and you're being "nice"? if it was "nice" the card would have been enough. but the follow up implies she's looking for something more. Based on all the descriptions of cp behaviour, that will only drive him further away and keep dee stuck in something. frankly, dee's being somewhat manipulative and he clearly senses that. letting go is hard. sometimes you have to admit you've lost and walk away. no shame in that unless you dwell on it, then you need help in dealing with the loss the way i've sought it out. No short-cuts to healing dee. sorry if that's not "nice".

A: Frankly, I don't even think a card is appropriate. The guy destroys you and you're still trying to be "nice"? Still sending cards? Why not make chocolate chip cookies and offer to clean his house? To me, it's all very "off". Don't you agree? Dee does need to examine her motives comprehensively. When someone shatters your universe you don't try to be a nice person. You try to get them out of your life and give yourself a chance to heal. In fact, your only chance is to get them out of your life. Keeping them on your greeting card list is self-destructive. And naively manipulative.
Thanks for your p.o.v.. I'll pass it on.

Steven Carter
Relationship expert and author of 20 books, including the New York Times bestseller "Men Who Can't Love" ... and "He's Scared, She's Scared", "What Smart Women Know", "Men Like Women Who Like Themselves", "Getting To Commitment" and "This Is How Love Works" and his newest, Help! I'm In Love With A Narcissist

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